rock bottom.

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been super busy. First off, I spent last month in another state working on my first feature. Unfortunately, that caused some friction in my relationship because ever since I’ve come back home, things have not been the same between us. To make things worse, we’ve been texting, not talking, which is resulting in me overthinking and overanalyzing a lot of things…therefore, jumping to conclusions I don’t need to jump to. We’ve both considered splitting before I move. I’m going to be six hours away from him and he doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle the distance. But a couple of days ago, he decides to drop the bomb (well, almost) on me and tell me he might be moving across the country for a year and a half. How am I supposed to take that? They’re both for job opportunities and I would be happy for him if he got both, but I don’t know if I can do long distance. I think in order to do long distance, both people need to feel secure in the relationship, something both of us are lacking. A recipe for disaster.

To make things even worse, as soon as I got back home, I was supposed to start studying for the GRE so I can start applying to grad schools. However, by me being distracted by all that’s going on with him, I neglected my studies and caused friction with my mom, who gave me NO slack. I don’t blame her though. I let this stupid thing take over my life and resulted in some very poor decision-making.

I tend to be the type of person that doesn’t like to open up, and my mom got even more frustrated with me because I wasn’t telling her what was going on. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to her about it, I didn’t know if I was too much inside my own head and that anything I was thinking was even rational at all. Plus, I kind of knew what she would say…and she would try and talk me out of the relationship without intending to.

I don’t know what’s going to happen, but something needs to change. We need to sit down and talk. I think there’s been a lot of miscommunication, which is causing a lot of unhappiness. I’m frustrated because I want this to work, but I keep getting the vibe from him that he doesn’t want this. Yet, he tells me he doesn’t want to break up with me and all he wants is for me to be happy. The way I interpret that is…he’s in the relationship only so that I’ll be happy, which is not right. It’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to me. I’ve given him opportunities for an out, but he insists on staying. Maybe I’m going to have to be the one to pull the cord. As much as I don’t want to. Everything my mom is telling me, everything I am feeling…points to, I shouldn’t be with him.

But I love him so much and I can’t picture my life without him. If we end it, there’s no way I can go back to being “just friends” with him…especially after EVERYTHING we’ve been through these last three years. We’ve only been dating for a couple of months, but this whole thing has been going on since we met. It may be one of the toughest decisions I have to make and I don’t want to do it. But if things really don’t start changing, I’m going to have to do it.

I haven’t felt this frustrated in a long time…not just with relationships, but with my personal life as well. I just graduated college and have no idea what I’m doing. In some ways I feel like I’m being pressured to go to grad school so I can get that higher degree, but at the same time, I don’t even know that that’s what I really want. On top of that, I need to start looking for a job and I don’t know if what I got my BA in is what I want to do in life. There are a lot of things in question at the moment and the timing of everything just sucks. I’ve been crying for the last four days and I don’t even know how I still have any tears left, to be honest. Well, it’s like they say, the great thing about hitting rock bottom is that you can only go up from there. So here goes nothing.

– beautifuldarkmystery

In a relationship, how do you know when to try harder or when to walk away?

just about ready, or am i.

My room is packed. It’s finally beginning to sink in. Although my move won’t be very far, it’s still a drastic change for me. At first, I didn’t really know how to feel about all of this…I didn’t want to move. I wanted to stay where my friends are and where my network is. I wanted this summer to enjoy the fact I graduated college and be with the people who made it an unforgettable experience. However, now that I look at it, I NEED this. Whether I want to move or not, it’s time to spread my wings, make mistakes, and learn. I have to trust that my true friends will stay in touch with me and not completely forget about me once I leave. It’s just hard when I’ve said the same thing with my high school friends and I barely talk to them anymore. I want to believe that it’ll be different this time…that these people I’ve worked with and become friends with, I’ll be working with them after college. High school was tough because we were all going our separate ways. I want to believe it’ll be different this time. But I know that if I expect them to make the effort, I have to make the effort as well.

– beautifuldarkmystery

the end is near.

In a week from today, I will be graduating college. It’s so weird to think about and I don’t think I’ve fathomed it yet. I can’t believe how quickly these last four years went. If I thought high school was fast, college’s got nothing on that. As I’m preparing to end my undergraduate journey, I’m left with mixed feelings.

To be completely honest, I still don’t know if film is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. My mom and dad don’t know and my sister doesn’t know. I haven’t really talked to anyone about it because I’m still trying to figure all of it out. I’m torn because on one hand, I try to convince myself that this is my passion because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be putting in the long hours on set and helping out on as many projects as I can. At the same time, as I’m surrounded by people who know what they want to do and are driven and motivated, I feel as though I’m left on the sidelines. I’ve had an awesome time in college, but I don’t know that I ever found my niche, what it is that I really want to do with my degree.

I will be going to get my Masters and even though it “looks better” to have the higher degree, I don’t really want to go. I haven’t told this to my parents either because they’re the ones who “made the decision for me.” I don’t want to disappoint them. I guess I better start being more proactive and really focus on trying to see what I like to do.

And that’s the other thing…I feel like if I have to TRY and search for some aspect of film that interests me, then I feel like this is what I shouldn’t be doing. To me, having a passion doesn’t require the effort of “searching,” it’s there, you just have to mold and craft it. But perhaps I AM getting ahead of myself. Maybe I haven’t “found” my passion yet and the best is yet to come.

I’m sure there are a bunch of other people who know how I’m feeling right now and can relate. So what can I conclude from this post? I have very mixed feelings about graduation. I’m happy because the last four years of hard work are finally paying off. However, at the same time I’m sad…not only because I’m leaving behind some incredibly talented and amazing people, but also because it means I will no longer have school to simply occupy time. I need to figure my life out and I need to find what motivates and inspires me.

I know that I don’t need to have all the answers at this very moment, but some guidance wouldn’t hurt. I’ve always felt a little lost throughout my four years of college, but every time I begin to think like that, again, I always remind myself that if I didn’t love it, I wouldn’t be putting in the long hours being on set. It’s a scary place to be in, but I think that this is pretty normal. I think if I WEREN’T questioning myself, I’d be in a lot of trouble.

– beautifuldarkmystery

a new year, a new beginning.

I know that’s what everyone says, but I feel like this is true. I’m about to go into my last semester as a undergrad…after graduation, I’m moving to a different city…I don’t know what I’ll be doing by this time next year. It’s exciting yet scary at the same time. I’ve never been open to change, but I’m finding that as I get older, I’m becoming more open-minded. If you would have asked me if I wanted to live away from home four years ago, I would have said no. I always saw myself living near my parents and never really going that far away from home. But now I’m at that point, where I’m ready for a little independence. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s time for that next step.

I also feel like this move will also help me get over him. I mean, for the most part, we barely talk anymore, which is how it should be. The other night we were texting each other but it was so painfully awkward and dead so I ended the conversation. We never used to be like this, and it’s sad that this is how things are now, but that’s life…and you have to learn how to move on.

I’ve been keeping myself busy with production work so I haven’t really had the time for a social life, but honestly, I’m not looking for anything right now. I think I’m over these guys over here. They’re either bold and completely unafraid to make a move and come on strong…or they’re quiet and I have to play the guessing game. I feel like most of the guys that have liked me are the latter. I know because I talk to mutual friends, but shhhh you didn’t hear it from me.

I’m ready for this semester. I’m sad it’s going to be my last one, but I’m going to make it the best one. I can’t believe how quickly time has gone by. It feels like it was just yesterday I was starting my freshman year, but let’s not relive that again. I’ve grown so much as a person since then…and I’ve met wonderful people in my department. I think that’s what I’ll miss the most. I’ve never been surrounded by such passionate students and teachers. I can’t explain it, but it’s infectious. I’ve learned so much from them. I don’t want this to end.

But it’s time to move on…to bigger and better things. I’ll miss everyone I’ve crossed paths with here, but now comes the big test. How many of those people will I stay connected to?

-beautifuldarkmystery

i hate change.

I don’t know about you guys, but I hate change. I am trying to be more accepting and open to it, but it doesn’t mean I like it. I was just watching some old videos of me and my friends back when we were in high school, and I can’t help but notice how much times have changed. I’m talking about two people in particular. They’re brother and sister, and they were my best friends in high school. They were there for me when I really needed friends. Without them, high school would have been miserable. They’ve seen me laugh, cry, and everything in between.

Now we’re all in college and we’re going our separate ways…and naturally, we drifted apart. It happens. They’re both in relationships now, they have their own group of friends. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about them or wonder how they’re doing. I’ve recently hung out with them both (on separate occasions) and I could tell that a lot has changed. I don’t know if they think I’m judging them by the choices they’re making (because I don’t believe in some of them, but haven’t been vocal about it…however, they know where I stand with certain issues)…or if it’s because so much time has passed and we don’t see or talk to each other every day like we did back then.

I just miss them sometimes. I’ve always been one of those people jealous of those who can say they’ve been friends with this person since they were in kindergarden or whatever. I wish I could have someone in my life like that. However, I guess having my sister as my best friend kind of compensates for that because she literally is my other half. We can tell each other anything and everything and I KNOW she’s not going anywhere.

I can’t really say I’ve made close friends in college yet, despite how many people I’ve met. I still haven’t met someone I can completely feel comfortable and be myself around. And I hope one day, I’ll meet that person. I mean, don’t get me wrong. It’s nice that I have my sister to talk to, but sometimes I wish I had someone else other than family that I could talk to…someone who could give me a fresh perspective on things.

I know part of that comes with me learning how to put myself out there. I need to become better at socializing because meeting people is half of it. And as difficult as it is for me, it’s something I need to know how to do and be able to do. It just comes a little easier to others, and for some, we have to work at it a little harder…and that’s okay.

Even though my friends and I have drifted apart, it doesn’t mean I despise them or hate them for not being friends with me anymore. I know that whenever I’m having a terrible day, I can look back on a memory we’ve shared together and then I smile. Sometimes God places people in our lives when we need them the most. Sometimes they’re only a part of one chapter in your life. Sorry to get all religious on you guys, I won’t go any further than that. But it’s my philosophy. I believe He puts people in my path when it’s appropriate. That’s why I feel “Tom” came into my life when he did. That’s why those two came into my life when they did. They were the ones who, bless their hearts, listened to me complain about my ex over and over again and still comforted me and gave me advice and guidance when I needed it.

Growing up is hard, and moving on is even harder, but it’s necessary. Nothing lasts forever and all good things must come to an end. Deep down inside, I am truly happy to see they’re doing well. I wish them nothing but happiness. But I hope, like me, they will never forget all of the wonderful times we’ve spent together, all the times we were there to lift each other’s spirits. I hope they will never forget any of that.

I hate change, but it’s something I’ll just have to get used to.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Do you like change? Why or why not?

it’s difficult, but i’m trying.

No one said moving on was going to be easy, it never is. I was looking forward to having spring break because I knew it meant not seeing hin around campus. However, since I started break, that’s the only thing that’s been on my mind. It sucks because I’m pretty sure he’s not thinking about me. I’m the one who called off the friendship, and yet I’m the one who wants him back.

Every time I get those thoughts, I tell myself that I don’t need people like that in my life. If he honestly cared about me like he claimed he did, he would have showed that. I’ve said it over and over again…his actions did not match his words. In addition, I actually have felt better cutting ties with him because after I did, I realized how much tension there really was between the two of us. It literally felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I think that says a lot.

I feel like once I go through something like this, I take some time for myself and I “switch it up.” I scheduled a hair appointment for Thursday and I’m going to cut my hair and get it styled (it’s about time…it’s been like three years), I went shopping today and bought a bunch of new clothes for spring. When it comes time to go back to school, I’m going to be ready. Fresh look, fresh start. I don’t know if anyone else does that, but it usually helps me.

One of my good friends is home for break and I’m going to try and get together with her. She’s probably the only one right now, besides my family, who’s close enough to me that I can tell her these things without feeling like a burden. We are so alike in terms of our personalities, it’s unbelievable. We can understand each other in a way no one else can and she’s a good listener. I’ll see what she has to say about this.

I also hope to get together with one of my friends from college so we can go take a day trip somewhere and take some photographs. It’ll just be nice to have any sort of distraction…something to keep me happy and make me forget about all of this for a while. I don’t want my whole break consumed in these negative thoughts because really, I should be doing the opposite. I should be happy and thankful for the real friends I have in my life and to have a family who cares. And I am, but I’m not going to completely ignore the fact that this sucks. I could be worse though…I could be in the state I was in that night he texted me and asked me where we stood in terms of having a future relationship. I didn’t sleep well, barely ate (which resulted in a dramatic weight loss), overworked myself, and cried (a lot). But right now, I am okay…there’s none of that. The only thing that’s bothering me is that as much as I try to tell myself not to think about this, the more I do. đŸ˜› I know it will get better though, it always does.

-beautifuldarkmystery

frustration and constant self-doubt.

Perhaps I’m making a huge deal out of this, but I can’t help but feel that I have a right to my feelings and no one should have to justify them or say they’re wrong when it’s me who’s experiencing them…if that makes sense. Maybe you guys can help me out or give me some advice or just tell me that I’m absolutely crazy. So here’s what’s happened.

I’ve been volunteering at this film festival because I’m a film major and I want to start somewhere and get some sort of insight/experience. On Friday evening, I left my water bottle at the venue and I didn’t realize it until I got home…let’s just say I don’t live down the block. I don’t know if anyone else is like this, but it drives me crazy when I lose something…even something as silly as a water bottle that could totally be replaced. I get this weird paranoia, and I don’t really know how to explain it other than that. Anyways, it was bothering me so much that the next morning I decided I was going to go back and see if it was still there. I told my mom and she said it was okay.

As soon as I got there, I went to the place where I was working and sure enough, there it was. Just as I was on my way out, my supervisor saw me and asked me if I could help up front. I wasn’t scheduled to work on Saturday but because they were short-staffed, I felt obligated to help. The volunteers have been really flaky this year (I don’t know how this compares to other years because this is my first year volunteering for the festival, but it’s been like this the whole week). So I call my parents and let them know that I have to work, but that I could try and leave by two. Our shifts are split into two, there’s a morning shift from 8AM-2PM and an evening shift from 2PM-7PM.

The night before, my parents told me we were having dinner Saturday night with my grandparents because they felt bad they never did anything for my mom’s birthday. I bet you all know where this is going, right? The volunteers who were supposed to show up for the 2PM-7PM shift never showed up so I had to work that shift as well. I called my mom and she was upset with me. When I got home, she acted as though nothing had happened, which made me mad because hours earlier she was mad at me. She then asked me why I looked like I was about to cry and before I could say anything, I ran to my room and lost it.

In that moment, so many emotions were running through my head. Here I was, trying to teach myself some responsibility by working at this festival…it’s almost like having a real job, except I don’t get paid. Now I was in trouble. I’ve gotten mad before, but not so mad that I wanted to punch a wall. That’s how I felt. My mom came in my room and told me to knock it off and now she was mad at me again. Every time I get upset, I can’t be in the same room as her because she gets mad at me for getting upset. That’s why I left before I could break down. I didn’t want to do it in front of her.

Later when things cooled down, she tried to talk to me but I was so pissed I told  her I didn’t want to talk about it. I was upset, I was crying, I was a mess. I wanted to talk to her, but not like this…not when my emotions were everywhere. When I finally DID try to explain to her, she told me I was full of shit. Those were her words.

Okay, I’m not trying to make my mom the bad person here. I understand why she was upset. We had made obligations to go to dinner and I disappointed her (a phrase she told me over and over…I got it the first time). I apologized repeatedly and told her it would never happen again. She said the reasons why she was upset with me was A) It was irresponsible of me to flake out on this family dinner when she had told me the night before that we were going, so I really had no excuse and B) I “lied” to her by not telling her I was working on Saturday. Honestly, I didn’t know that I was going to work, I wasn’t even dressed in business casual attire, but I guess I should have told her that I might be working before I left because I knew they were short-staffed and I knew there was a chance I could be snagged. She just wanted me to communicate better with her on my behalf and that’s understandable and I could see where she’s coming from and why she was upset with me.

But here’s my defense. My mom knew weeks in advance that these next couple of weeks were going to be extremely busy for me. She knew I was working weekends at this festival. I don’t understand why she would plan this dinner on a weekend I happened to be working. When she told me the night before that we were going to dinner, she said she didn’t even know which day I had off, so why go ahead and plan it anyway? In addition, what if, hypothetically, they called me Friday night and told me I had to work Saturday morning? Am I supposed to say no?

The point is, I get why my mom is upset, but I hate when she talks down to me and tries to tell me that my feelings are “wrong.” She’s NOT me. She doesn’t know what I’m thinking or how I feel. This “tension” has been going on since I started college. I’m living at home with my parents, which makes it hard for me to be able to make decisions for myself sometimes. When I feel like my life is going somewhere or that I am making good decisions, here comes my mom to make me feel otherwise. It’s frustrating at times and I definitely had a breaking point on Saturday night. I hate going to bed upset and waking up the next morning upset. It’s not a great way to start the day.

Another thing that made me mad was that when she was trying to talk to me, she asked me, “Do you wish you didn’t live at home like “Melody” (my sister) so that you could make these decisions for yourself? I was livid, but I didn’t say anything. There are definitely times I wish I didn’t live at home…I think that’s a huge part of the reason why I feel like I can’t make these decisions and I’m technically an adult now. It’s frustrating. How many times have I said that?

I try my best to please my parents and make them happy so that they don’t have to worry about me, but it’s difficult, especially when it comes to my mom because she IS a very opinionated person with a strong personality. With someone like me who’s on the other end of the spectrum, sometimes it’s hard to talk to her. She’s definitely been giving me mixed signals.

I don’t know, after that night I’m beginning to question how damaged my self-esteem and confidence really is. I mean, I was really upset…but it’s hard to tell how much of that emotion was from the frustration because A) I had worked from 10AM-7PM that day and B) I didn’t eat all day. So I definitely think some of that stemmed from those other two factors as well. I could try to explain this to her, but I feel like no matter what, it’ll always seem like I’m making excuses for myself. But maybe that’s just me.

-beautifuldarkmystery