history repeats itself.

I’ve been keeping a journal on and off for the last 10 years. It’s always been my way of keeping a written record of my past. I wrote about everything. Things I was going through, drama with friends, breakups, my transition from high school to college. Everything. It’s always been my safe space, where I can write and freely express myself. It’s the only time I really don’t hold back. It’s therapeutic. It’s helped me understand myself better.

I recently came across a binder full of old entries from my high school years, and all I have to say is that history sure has a way of repeating itself. When I started college, I was frustrated because things weren’t happening for me as quickly as I would have liked. I had a hard time making new friends. I lived on campus and my roommate and I didn’t get along. I was frustrated because I felt like my friends from high school had seemingly moved on with their lives and were fitting in well at their new colleges. They had no problems making friends and making that transition. I was hard on myself because I just wanted in, and my straight-edge lifestyle didn’t mesh with the college campus life. I found myself on the outside, desperate for acceptance.

There was one entry in particular I came across that talked about a conversation I had with my mom. I had told her how difficult this transition has been for me and she knew that I had a hard time adjusting. I know her heart was in the right place and she just wanted me to be happy, but she suggested that I drop out of my university, move back home, and enroll in a community college for a couple of years. I was a little shocked at my response (and so was she), but apparently I said something along the lines of, “If I move back home where it’s comfortable and safe, I won’t be able to grow. This is supposed to be hard. I need to go through these struggles…” Long story short, I ended up moving out of the dorms because that was an environment I knew I couldn’t live in for an entire year. However, I chose to stay at my university. I just opted to commute instead of living on campus (which ended up being one of the best decisions I ever made. Living on campus isn’t for everyone).

While I was happy I didn’t have to live on campus anymore, I was now worried about the next three and a half years because I thought that commuting would hinder my ability to get involved in the college life (as if I wasn’t struggling with that enough already). But, sure enough, when it came time for me to start my sophomore year, that’s when I met my core group of friends. Those were the people I hung out with and they were the ones who became my closest friends. And, guess what…NONE of them lived on campus. They all commuted.

The rest of my time at college was great. I had the best time. I met some great people and formed lasting friendships. Since graduating from college, I’ve found myself in a different, yet similar, situation. The transition from college to workforce. It hasn’t been easy for me. I haven’t been able to land a steady job yet, and it has me worried. I’ve been doubting the decisions I made in college. Maybe I should have picked a different major. Maybe I should have done this or that.

I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that I’m starting to overwhelm myself again. I’ve found myself in a situation where I’ve seen my friends graduate college and they’ve successfully found work and are doing fine. Meanwhile, I’ve been at a standstill and it doesn’t feel like I’ve made much progress. It’s similar to how I was feeling when I started college. The frustration of seeing everyone move ahead while I’m stuck. I want things to happen faster for me.

If there’s anything I can take away from my past, it’s that I just need to give it time. I need to also remember what the past version of myself once said…that I need to face these challenges and struggles so that I can grow. If anything, I think that going through these struggles now will make me appreciate things more later on down the road. No one said it would be easy, and if it was easy, what would we learn?

It’s been an interesting day reflecting on my past, and I’m going to use that information to help me move forward. My problems back then seemed like they were the end of the world. I didn’t see how things could get better. I need to realize that just because things aren’t happening for me right now, doesn’t mean they never will. Yes, it’s frustrating feeling like you’re the one falling behind. It’s easy to convince yourself you’re a failure because of that and you’ll never be successful. But sometimes we need to take a step back, breathe, and chill out. As long as I am trying my hardest, there’s no reason to have any doubts.

beautifuldarkmystery

no more regrets.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been back home visiting my parents. Feeling frustrated with no leads for jobs, I decided to enlist their help because obviously, there’s something I’m not doing right. They took a look at my resume and helped me polish it, as well as help me with interview role play.

They bought me an interview handbook filled with various types of questions one could be asked during a job interview. One of them stood out to me in particular…

“If you could start college all over again what would you do differently?”

According to the guide, the best way to answer that question is to say that you wouldn’t change a thing. Saying you have no regrets shows the interviewer that you’re sure of yourself when making a commitment.

For me personally, this is something I’ve been struggling with since I left college? Did I make the right choices? Would I have been more successful if I had chosen a different major? Honestly, none of this even matters because I’ll never know anyway. So what’s the point?

I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before, but there have been many times I’ve regretted the choices I made in school. I thought that my major wasn’t something I was truly passionate about…that I chose it just to choose something and have a path.

But something in the last two weeks has changed that thought process. If I could start college all over again, I wouldn’t do anything differently. I wouldn’t have met the people I did, I wouldn’t have formed the friendships that I did. I still graduated with honors, so what more could I have asked for?

The truth is that everyone, at some point, goes through that period of uncertainty…where they don’t know what they want to do in life. Maybe they’re at a crossroads and don’t know where to go next. Maybe they want a career change. We don’t go through life knowing exactly what we want every single day because life is constantly changing. The future is unknown. You can set long-term goals, but those could change. I’m not saying don’t plan, because ambition is a great thing. My point is that we all feel lost at some point in our lives, whether we’re 25 or 45.

I have to believe that I’m going to be okay. I’ve wasted so many nights having mental breakdowns because I don’t know what to do and I’m tired and done with feeling frustrated. Having my parents help me did give me a little more confidence. When I go back home, I know exactly what I need to do, and all I can do is hope that something will work out. It may not be my “dream job,” but at this point, I just need something to get myself on my feet.

Without pain or suffering, we cannot appreciate happiness. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. It just depends on how you look at the situation. I am thankful to my parents for providing me with an opportunity to get a college education. That within itself is a fortune. I’m thankful for the sacrifices they’ve made so that I can have a better life than they did. Now it’s time to show them my gratitude. No more wasting time and energy on petty things. I am stronger than this and I will find my way. And one day, I’ll be able to look back on these struggles and growing pains and count my blessings. Everything happens for a reason, even when we’re not entirely sure of that reason.

beautifuldarkmystery

un-friended.

Yesterday I deleted my ex off of Facebook. Some people may see that as an immature way to handle things, but sometimes it’s necessary, especially for someone like me, who’s been having a difficult time trying to move on. Sometimes, you need that clean break from an ex in order to even have the slightest chance of moving on.

We live in a generation where our lives revolve around social media. These are the main ways we stay connected to our friends…we find out what they’re doing through what they post. I’ve been thinking about this for the past week now. I knew that un-friending him meant I would no longer be able to see what’s going on in his life, and he would no longer be able to see what’s going on in mine.

I won’t go into too much detail about my situation, but we have been in this limbo since we broke up (which was about five months). We weren’t even in a relationship that long so it’s weird calling him my ex. But anyway, he’s made it clear to me in the last five months that he still has feelings for me but he doesn’t want to get back into a relationship any time soon. It has been THIS cycle that has caused me so much frustration because I don’t know what he wants from me. One day he’ll act like he wants me, the next he’ll act completely different. I’ve been unhappy through all of this, so enough is enough. I’ve learned that I need to come to a decision for myself…that we are never getting back together.

Unfortunately, since I’ve been in this cycle for a while now, it’s made it super difficult for me to move on…which is why I resorted to deleting him off of social media. Unfortunately, I lacked the self control and discipline and found myself visiting his Facebook page every once in a while to see what he was up to. Then, when I saw he was hanging out with his new friends, I would get my feelings hurt and I would feel left out and then I would get upset all over again. I want to get to that point where I’m not affected by the simplest of things. So I need a clean break. Cold turkey. I need to cut him off. It’s the only way…for me at least.

They say you should always trust your gut feeling. I was reluctant for the longest time about deleting him from social media, Facebook specifically, because I felt like if I did, I would lose him. But the irony of it all has been that…I’ve been holding on to him so tightly and I’ve been holding on to the hope that we would get back together that in many ways, I’ve already lost him. And like I said, I knew that once I did it, I wouldn’t be able to know what was going on in his life. But that’s the whole point of all of this. I need to break this habit of needing to know what he’s doing. I don’t want to be THAT person. Anyway, back to my point, my gut feeling told me I needed to do this. If I wanted any chance of moving on, I need a clean break. I thought I would feel regretful and sad after I did it, but surprisingly, I felt liberated, I suddenly felt like one of those chains had been broken and I felt a sense of freedom. I know it sounds crazy, but I guess I didn’t realize how much I was allowing this one person to hold me down. I don’t want to do that anymore.

I don’t know if he’s even noticed yet, but I’m not going to tell him I did it. The whole point of this is trying to be as subtle as possible. I don’t want to make a huge deal out of it. I’m just doing what I think is necessary for me in order to be happy again. Sometimes we have to be a little selfish and I’ve put his feelings before mine for way too long now and it hasn’t been reciprocated.

I know that this is just the beginning. But it’s a step in the right direction. I want to get to that place where I feel no bitterness towards him. Right now, because feelings are still so raw, I’m a little more sensitive than I should be to certain situations. I know that deep down in my heart, he has a piece of me I’ll never get back…but if I can move on for the most part and be okay, then that’s when I’ll know. It’s been difficult because he was my first love, so unfortunately, it’s the only love I know. But I know I’ll get there some day. It just might take a while, and that’s okay. But based on how I felt after I un-friended him, I knew it was the right thing to do. He might see it as an immature way to handle it, but if he really loves me, he’ll let me go.

– beautifuldarkmystery

Have you ever deleted an ex from social media after breaking up? Why or why not? Did it help you?

and then reality sets in.

I’m starting to reach that point where I’m really starting to evaluate my relationship with him and starting to wonder if it’s even worth trying to pursue something more. After talking to my mom and sister and some of my closest friends about this, it almost seems like there are more cons than pros. It’s not the answer I want, but I have to stop and ask myself…is it really worth it. That doesn’t mean that he’s not worth it. I’m saying, is it really worth putting myself through all of this to be with someone…especially when I feel I am not being treated like I deserve to be treated.

It’s so difficult when your heart is in one place, but your head is in another. How is it possible to have feelings for someone who isn’t right for you, and you KNOW he isn’t right for you? How? That blows my mind. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. My mom told me that I should follow my heart and I told her, “Well, look where that got me.” This is probably one of the toughest growing pains I’ve experienced yet. I know I’ll have to talk to him face-to-face at some point about all of this because I want to know once and for all where we stand for each other. Are we friends? Are we more than friends? I am done being in this limbo with him and it shouldn’t have to be like that. Honestly, I feel like if he really wants a relationship with me and wants to be with me, it would have happened by now. Something is holding him back and I don’t know what it is. He told me yesterday he’s totally fine and recovered from our “disastrous” breakup back in September. Maybe there is someone else in the picture but he isn’t telling me about her. It’s none of my business, but if he doesn’t want to be with me, then he has to let me know. I think I deserve to know that much at the very least. I waited three and a half years for him and I’m not going to wait around any longer.

-beautifuldarkmystery

what to do.

So last night we were texting as usual and everything was fine. It wasn’t until I steered the conversation in another direction that the mood changed. For those of you who don’t know, I’ve had feelings for this guy for the last three years. We’ve tried twice in the past to be more than friends but both times never worked. It wasn’t until recently that we got into a relationship, but it only lasted a couple of months…simply because I was moving away, he might be gone for a year and a half starting in January, and we hadn’t had enough time to establish anything to feel confident in being away from each other for so long. Anyway, ever since we broke up, we’ve been texting, I’ve used FaceTime once, I’ve called him, and things seem to be going well. We started talking to the point where we felt like we weren’t really broken up, just taking a break. Both of us haven’t been in many relationships so we don’t really know what we’re doing or how it’s supposed to work, but we’ve been trying to make it work for the both of us.

So last night we were texting and I told him I was watching The Amazing Spider-Man on TV. He thought I was teasing him so I sent him a picture of my TV screen. Before I go any further, let me just say that he is a nerd, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. He loves his comic books, superheroes, Star Wars, Superman, Kingdom Hearts, you name it. He loves it all. Ever since I met him, I’ve KNOWN how much all of this means to him and how important they are and I know they will forever be a part of his life. So when I told him I was watching Spider-Man, he said he was surprised I was watching it without him having to “force” me to watch it. I told him he’s never forced me to do anything. I was trying to be open-minded to the things he liked because I love him and I know how important all of this is to him.

Then, he kept telling me how he’s attracted to nerds and how by me willingly watching it made me more attractive to him. Then I was honest with him. I told him, that when we started dating, and even before that, I thought it would be so much easier if he could find someone who shared these similar interests because I KNOW how passionate he is and I know how exciting it is when you find someone who likes the same things as you and you can talk and talk and the conversation will never go dull. Then he told me how he met these two girls this semester who fit that description, they’re nerds like him, but he said they’re not me. I told him he should be open-minded and explore his options because you never know. Then he said he’s been talking to this one girl in particular and she’s become a really good friend of his because, and these were his exact words, “she is the female equivalent to me.” My heat sank when I read those words and I got really jealous. I told him I know I have no right to be because we’re not in a relationship anymore, but I couldn’t help what I feel. He continued to insist that he loves me and that he wants me, but at that moment, I couldn’t see any of that.

Then he told me that aside from that, I am his ideal girl in every other way possible. So I asked him in what ways. In the past, he’s talked about how much he wants me physically and I know that he’s said he wants certain things with me BECAUSE it’s me, but sometimes I get the feeling there’s more of a physical attraction from him than an emotional one and I am an emotional person. I value an emotional connection with someone when I’m in a relationship. He listed his qualities and they were all emotional qualities, which made me feel a little better. But still, I was more focused on the fact that he’s been talking to and hanging out with this girl and I have NO right to feel jealous. We are NOT in a relationship and I feel horrible for having these feelings, but it’s so damn hard sometimes….especially after everything we’ve been through.

He was starting to get tired so we ended the conversation there. He went to bed, I lied in bed wide awake. I hate when this happens because then my mind starts going into overdrive and I start thinking things I shouldn’t be thinking. But automatically, I started thinking of the time he told me he was going to go out for drinks with “a new friend” but he didn’t because he didn’t want me to get the wrong idea….then I thought about the time he asked me whether or not I’d want to know if he found someone new, if I would want to know…then I thought about the time he told me that by seeing other people it will make us stronger….and all of these thoughts flooded my mind.

I’ve mentioned this before, but in the past, I’ve tried to be more open-minded to the things he likes. I watched one of the Star Wars movies with him, I played a little Kingdom Hearts, I even read my first comic book. No, not all of these appealed to me, but at least I TRIED and did these things because I LOVE him. He knows that and he says it means a lot to him. I guess I just wish he would have done the same for me. But he doesn’t think like that. I mean, even if he didn’t like it, I wish he would have at least tried like I did. I’ve always believed that actions speak louder than words.

So now I’m torn. I know he says he loves me and wants me, but from my perspective, I feel like I’m kind of in the way. To me, having similar interests in a relationship is a great thing…sometimes I feel like if we did, maybe our conversations wouldn’t be so dull. So now I don’t know if I should start to pull back a bit…because for the last couple of nights, we’ve been texting each other like we’re still in a relationship. It hurts, but I don’t want to hold him back. He keeps telling me he doesn’t see it like that because I’m the one he wants and that he loves me, but I don’t know.

And let me just say something. A couple of years ago, when we admitted to having feelings for each other and wanted to see where this would go, I was working a shift at a film festival (I’m pretty sure I mentioned this in one of my previous posts), and he texted me asking if I thought we’d ever end up together…because he’d been hanging out with someone and felt like he was “betraying” me. No, we weren’t in a relationship and we weren’t exclusive, but I don’t think he knows that that ONE incident kind of scarred me. When feelings get involved, it makes things that much more difficult. My feelings for him were obviously stronger than the ones he had for me back then so of course, the one with the stronger feelings is ALWAYS going to get hurt more in the end. I still remember holding it together until the end of my shift, then rushing back to my car and just sitting there and crying. I vividly remember that day, though I try to block it from my memory. All I’m saying is that I KNOW I’m having these feelings for a reason. It’s not just straight up jealousy. It’s more of a fear…because something similar to this has happened before.

Unfortunately, though, when something like that happens, I focus more on the negatives instead of the positives, which I know I have to work on. So I want to try and focus on the positives for a minute. He and I have grown super close, especially over the last five months or so. He’s opened up to me in ways he never has to anyone before. He feels like he can talk to me about anything and everything. I SAW how much he was hurting after I broke up with him. Thinking about that still rips me to shreds. I KNOW this guy loves me with all of his heart…and that should be enough. I’ve never felt such a tight bond and closeness to another human being before. We both have a strong feeling that this is not the end of our story…that there’s a place for us in the future, those were his exact words.

I guess I’m having these feelings because he’s always been good with words, but when it comes to SHOWING me that he loves me, that hasn’t been so high. He’s told me he’s not good with relationships and he doesn’t know what to do sometimes….so sometimes I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and claim ignorance. But still. I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship where I’m constantly questioning how he feels about me. For some people, that’s enough…but I think I’m the type of person who wants to be SHOWN. I’m not a materialistic person, but if a guy buys me flowers, or even writes me a letter, or ANYTHING, it reaffirms that love. It’s not so much the materialistic part as much as it is about the THOUGHT behind it. I’m sure there are other girls out there who feel the same way. But that’s just not who he is. When I had my going away party, some of my friends got me gifts and at the end of the night he apologized for not getting me anything. I told him not to worry about it, but in my mind, I thought, even if it was just a card, that would have meant the world to me. It didn’t even have to have anything in it. But that’s just not who he is, and if I want to be in a relationship with him, I really have to take those things into consideration and really think about if this is what I really want. Don’t get me wrong, I love this guy with all of my heart. We’ve both expressed to each other how strong of a hold we have on each other…and we both said to each other yesterday morning that we will always be each other’s first true loves.

There’s a part of me that truly believes that what he’s saying is how he really feels and that he is in love with me and there is no one else. But sometimes, me being the person I am, I overlook all of those things and focus on the one thing that should be kind of trivial. Yes, it’s nice to be with someone who shares similar interests with you, but that’s not what the entire relationship is about. Being in a relationship is about being with someone who makes you feel things you’ve never felt before…being with someone who makes you happy, being with someone who can’t stand to be apart from, someone you can be yourself around, someone you can laugh and cry with.

I’m going to see him in about three weeks so we’ll see how that goes. He also plans on visiting me in a couple of months, so that’ll be interesting. I guess, if I’ve realized anything after typing out my thoughts, it’s that I can’t focus on the future, I can’t worry about it because it hasn’t happened yet. However, there are things I need to start seriously considering if I want to continue a relationship with him. Can I live with the fact he doesn’t do the small gestures to show me he loves me? Can I live with the fact that he’s not great with relationships? Can I live with the fact that he doesn’t know how to deal with me or my emotions sometimes? Can I trust him and know that what he feels for me is true? Am I willing to accept all of these to be in a relationship with him? I am so torn because I am in love with him, but I don’t know if I would necessarily be happy. It’s about how much I’d be willing to give up to be with him…I don’t know.

-beautifuldarkmystery

rock bottom.

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been super busy. First off, I spent last month in another state working on my first feature. Unfortunately, that caused some friction in my relationship because ever since I’ve come back home, things have not been the same between us. To make things worse, we’ve been texting, not talking, which is resulting in me overthinking and overanalyzing a lot of things…therefore, jumping to conclusions I don’t need to jump to. We’ve both considered splitting before I move. I’m going to be six hours away from him and he doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle the distance. But a couple of days ago, he decides to drop the bomb (well, almost) on me and tell me he might be moving across the country for a year and a half. How am I supposed to take that? They’re both for job opportunities and I would be happy for him if he got both, but I don’t know if I can do long distance. I think in order to do long distance, both people need to feel secure in the relationship, something both of us are lacking. A recipe for disaster.

To make things even worse, as soon as I got back home, I was supposed to start studying for the GRE so I can start applying to grad schools. However, by me being distracted by all that’s going on with him, I neglected my studies and caused friction with my mom, who gave me NO slack. I don’t blame her though. I let this stupid thing take over my life and resulted in some very poor decision-making.

I tend to be the type of person that doesn’t like to open up, and my mom got even more frustrated with me because I wasn’t telling her what was going on. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to her about it, I didn’t know if I was too much inside my own head and that anything I was thinking was even rational at all. Plus, I kind of knew what she would say…and she would try and talk me out of the relationship without intending to.

I don’t know what’s going to happen, but something needs to change. We need to sit down and talk. I think there’s been a lot of miscommunication, which is causing a lot of unhappiness. I’m frustrated because I want this to work, but I keep getting the vibe from him that he doesn’t want this. Yet, he tells me he doesn’t want to break up with me and all he wants is for me to be happy. The way I interpret that is…he’s in the relationship only so that I’ll be happy, which is not right. It’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to me. I’ve given him opportunities for an out, but he insists on staying. Maybe I’m going to have to be the one to pull the cord. As much as I don’t want to. Everything my mom is telling me, everything I am feeling…points to, I shouldn’t be with him.

But I love him so much and I can’t picture my life without him. If we end it, there’s no way I can go back to being “just friends” with him…especially after EVERYTHING we’ve been through these last three years. We’ve only been dating for a couple of months, but this whole thing has been going on since we met. It may be one of the toughest decisions I have to make and I don’t want to do it. But if things really don’t start changing, I’m going to have to do it.

I haven’t felt this frustrated in a long time…not just with relationships, but with my personal life as well. I just graduated college and have no idea what I’m doing. In some ways I feel like I’m being pressured to go to grad school so I can get that higher degree, but at the same time, I don’t even know that that’s what I really want. On top of that, I need to start looking for a job and I don’t know if what I got my BA in is what I want to do in life. There are a lot of things in question at the moment and the timing of everything just sucks. I’ve been crying for the last four days and I don’t even know how I still have any tears left, to be honest. Well, it’s like they say, the great thing about hitting rock bottom is that you can only go up from there. So here goes nothing.

– beautifuldarkmystery

In a relationship, how do you know when to try harder or when to walk away?

a nice little break.

I must say, being on spring break and not seeing or speaking to him…it’s refreshing and it’s been nice to say the least. Unfortunately, break is almost over for me and there’s no avoiding him once I get back to school. I haven’t thought about him, I haven’t gotten jealous over the fact he may be hanging out with or talking to that other girl. Not even a little. But when I have to go to class on Wednesday, that’ll be a different story.

By Tuesday, I’ll have about a month and a half left of school, then I can say goodbye forever and be done with him…for good. And I can’t wait for that day to come. I’ve never been hurt by the same person so many times and at this point, I can’t see myself being friends with him. It’s not fair to either of us.

I’ve enjoyed my escape from reality…but…all good things must come to an end, right?

– beautifuldarkmystery