time heals, or does it.

I wish I didn’t get mad…because getting mad means I still care, and I don’t want to care anymore. I know it’ll get easier with time, but still.

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moving on.

It’s one of the most difficult things to do but sometimes it’s necessary. The heart wants what it wants, but when you take a step back and look at the bigger picture, you have to ask yourself one question…are you benefitting or suffering from the relationship? If you are suffering more than you are benefitting from it, then I think the answer is pretty clear. Sometimes we’re blind and we ignore the signs because we want things to work out. But sometimes, the truth hurts.

No matter how much you want to change a person, you can’t. They have to want to change for themselves. Unfortunately, you have to accept things at face value. This is who they are, this is who they will always be. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the situation, thinking that if you hold on for just a little longer, maybe it’ll turn around and things will start to get better. In a perfect world, that would be lovely. However, this is what happens in life and there will come a point where you realize that the only option left is to accept the reality of the situation. It’s just not going to work out.

My mother told me that one day, I’ll wake up and not care about what he’s doing. I won’t care about who he’s with or questioning whether he still has feelings for me. Right now, it doesn’t feel that way because this is just the beginning of the process. I have a long road ahead of me.

I’ve held on to the idea of this relationship for the last three years. Unfortunately, when it finally happened, it didn’t last that long, and things ended before they even started. Since breaking up with him, I’ve continued to hold on. No matter how many red flags and warning signs came my way, I chose to ignore them…and that’s what got me to where I am now…hurt, disappointed, frustrated. When we’re in love, we look for the best in the other person. When they say or do something we don’t like, we try to ignore it. But over time, it starts to build, and then one day, you have that “aha” moment. You realize that you have to move on.

I really hope that one day, I’ll be able to wake up and not care about what he’s doing. I want to wake up not feeling jealous, not feeling betrayed, hurt…He will always have a piece of my heart, but I want to be in control of my life again. I have a habit of letting my circumstances control me and that’s not good. Until I get to that stable place again where I can be happy without him in my life, I’ll continue to fall into my ruts on occasion. I’ll have moments of weakness. I’ll cry, I’ll vent to someone, all my emotions will hit me at once. It’s going to hurt because I care. But everything is going to be okay. Life doesn’t stop for anyone.

They say that some of life’s toughest situations bring the most valuable lessons…and the longer it takes to learn the lesson, the more valuable the lesson. He was my first love, therefore it’s the only love I know, which makes this that much more difficult. I’m going to be that much more guarded when they next guy comes around, I’m not going to jump into things right away. It’s going to take some time. But knowing how to cope with a broken heart and deal with the pain that comes after the relationship ends…knowing that much will make the next one a little easier…at least I hope.

I’m not the type of person who does things out of spite or wishes harm on anyone…but if there is any sort of revenge I would want…it would be for him to realize later on down the road that he made a huge mistake…that he lost someone who really cared about him and would have given him the world…but it’ll be too late. I will have moved on and be with someone new, and I will be happy.

They say when you meet the right person, you’ll know. I find that very interesting, but I guess I’m going to find out.

beyond frustrated.

At this point, I really don’t know what to do anymore…I don’t know what’s right. Yesterday was the first day of my internship and I was really excited to start working there and finally have something to keep my mind off of my personal issues. He texted me about 30 minutes before I got off and asked if I wanted to get something to eat, and, of course, I agreed.

Rewind. It was his birthday a couple of days ago. A couple weeks ago we had talked about what he wanted to do and at the time, he invited me to whatever it was that he was going to plan. The weeks go by and I continue to hear nothing about it. I wasn’t going to bring him up because I didn’t know if he’d changed his mind about inviting me and I didn’t want to make it awkward. Anyway, his birthday rolls around. I texted him in the morning to wish him a happy birthday and all he said was thanks. Then that was pretty much it. I got him a gift, I wrapped it and made it look nice…and then I waited. The whole day goes by and I don’t hear from him. I knew he had a work-related event that day so I was trying not to make a huge deal out of it. Before I know it, the whole day is gone and by the time I saw that it was 9PM, I gave up and thought to myself, forget it. So I changed back into my pjs and watched my tv shows, trying not to avoid the fact that my feelings were hurt.

When I picked him up, I asked what he felt like eating, and he said, “I don’t know, but anything that’s cheap and fast.” When he said this, I now felt like I was being bum-rushed and then I was slightly irritated. We ended up eating at Wendy’s, but I wasn’t expecting anything less, to be honest. So I asked him how the event went and how his birthday was. He proceeded to tell me he hung out with his friends the whole day and had dinner with a girl at her apartment and then went to the event. Then his roommates had friends over by the time he got back so he hung out with all of them until about 2 in the morning. The more he was telling me about what he did, the more irritated and hurt I felt because I thought he would have wanted to spend at least part of his birthday with me, but I guess that wasn’t the case. I wasn’t really mad because at this point, that’s exactly what I expect from him. I’m just there when he needs me. But I did make a point of telling him that for future reference, if plans change (granted, this time he didn’t really know how his day was going to pan out), to just let me know so I’m not waiting around. Then he felt really bad…because technically I could have started my internship on his birthday, but because I didn’t know what he was doing, I made sure I kept that day available just in case. But I wasn’t going to make a huge deal out of it.

Another thing that bothers me is that he always seems tired when we hang out. I don’t know if he’s aware of how that makes me feel, but I feel like if you’re really that tired, then why bother hanging out with me if this is what it’s going to be like. I feel like I am wasting his time. And I said that, maybe not so direct. But I did say something like, “Well if you’re that tired, then you could have just stayed home. I wouldn’t have minded.” Then he always says the same thing. “But I wanted to hang out.” I’m sure he doesn’t act this tired around his other friends.

I know this all probably sounds very high school, but it’s not even about the fact that I didn’t get invited to whatever birthday plans he may have had. It’s more about the fact that I feel like ever since he moved down here, I’ve just been the “side chick.” I feel like I’m just the friend to go to when he has no one else to hang out with or nothing else better to do. That’s not a great feeling. I also don’t feel like I am appreciated as a friend…as a person.

The last time we hung out, he mentioned he had to run a couple of errands and asked me if I could drive him so it would go faster. Of course, I said yes. He had a whole day off before we hung out where he could have run his errands. But no, he was out with his friends. So what does he do? He waits until the day WE hang out, cutting into OUR time together, so he can run his stupid errands. I know I really have no right to complain because I could have just said no and been done with it. I’m usually passive aggressive about things but I let him know that this is not going to be okay…that he can’t make a habit out of me running his errands with him just because I have a car and he doesn’t. And at some point, I’ll have to draw the line too, and just say no.

Last night when we hung out, we were trying to find a place to eat and we drove by a Target. As we were driving back to his place, he asked if we could stop by the Target. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and it wasn’t like I had to go out of my way to get there…it was on the way back, so I said yes. As we were getting out of the car and heading into the store, he put his arm around me and thanked me for making this stop. I hinted to him how it made me feel by saying, “Yeah, no problem…because that’s all I’m good for, right?”

Then we got into the store, I thought he actually had to get stuff he needed…he got a dvd. That was it. As we were walking up to the front to pay for it, he starts poking me. This is his personality. This is who he is. When he feels there’s tension, he tries to break it by poking me or acting obnoxious, but it was actually annoying me even more.

When I finally pulled up to the front of his place, he gave me a hug and thanked me for hanging out with him. He said we’ll probably hang out next week and I kind of just brushed it off and didn’t make a huge deal out of it because I’m not expecting it anymore. It just kind of sucks feeling like I’m the option. I know that I did this to myself and I really can’t be upset about it. But when you still have feelings for someone and they don’t treat you with the respect you deserve, it’s kind of hard not to take it personally.

When I woke up this morning, I was in a bad mood, I didn’t feel like getting up and getting ready for my internship. I didn’t even put my contacts in or put my makeup on. All I could think about was everything he had told me last night…and realizing that every time he tells me he’s hanging out with a girl or going to a girl’s apartment, that this could potentially mean he’s moving on. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true. I believe a guy can go over to a girl’s place with no intentions other than to hang out with her. But this is all preparing me for the possibility of that happening.

I hate that I continue to allow situations to control me. I need to get my emotions in check. I need to not make myself to available to him because I think that’s why I continue to end up feeling hurt. He doesn’t think twice about his words or actions and how they might affect other people. But the more I give into him, whether it’s helping him run errands or hanging out when it’s convenient for him, I need to stand my ground more, and not just say the words. I feel like every time I begin to get to a good place where I feel emotionally stable, I take two steps back and I end up right where I started. I want to start making progress and I want to move on. I NEED to move on. Hanging on to him is toxic and not benefiting me. I think I just don’t want to face the fact of what I need to do…which is to cut him off completely. As long as he’s still in my life and I’m still seeing him, talking to him, interacting with him, there’s always an increased chance of me getting hurt.

I wish I could say I don’t know what to do, but I know exactly what I want to do, I just don’t want to do it. For me, at this point, I feel like it’s a lose-lose situation…and I say that because he’s told me before that whatever I need to do, just let him know. If I want him to leave me alone and give me space, to just tell him. I fear that if I do that, he won’t even be affected at all. He has his work friends, he’s been hanging out with them a lot more than he has with me. So I feel like even if I did this, it’ll do nothing to him…because right now, with the way he’s been treating me, it’s like I don’t even exist to him at all. So what difference would it make if I told him not to see or speak to me?

Whatever. I know I deserve to be treated better and I don’t know why I continue to hold on to a person who’s presence is hurting me more than benefitting. me. Maybe it’s time I really start evaluating the pros and cons of this relationship and really decide if it’s worth continuing to put myself through all of this.

I may not be in the best of moods right now, but the minute I walk through those doors at work, my personal problems don’t exist. I need to focus my energy in the things that really matter. The moment I crack and allow this to bother me, is the moment I let him win. And I am DONE allowing him to win.

We’ve never been great at communicating to each other, so I don’t know if he has motives. I don’t know if he’s trying to make me jealous. I don’t know how he feels about me…even though he says he still has feelings for me, what does that even mean? I can’t keep thinking about this as much as I have been because it’s rotting me away. I’m too young to feel this damaged by one person.

I am not defined by my past. I am not defined by the choices I’ve made. I’m not defined by the way others treat me. I am defined by how I get up after I fall. How I recover. How I make my comeback. Life’s going to throw a whole bunch of curveballs at me. The real test will not be how I take the hit, but how I deal with the pain.

– beautifuldarkmystery

Have you been in a situation where you felt like it was controlling you instead of you controlling it? How did you handle yourself? How did you overcome this obstacle?

in order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.

Something profound happened today and I don’t know if it’s temporary or not, but I hope it’s not. Something spoke to me on the inside…it went straight to my heart. But basically, I had a realization that I’m holding on to nothing. The probability of me getting back together with him is very small. Like I mentioned in my last post, we’re complete opposites and it’s just not going to work out.

Anyway, my point is, often times, when we get caught up in something that seems to bring us so much happiness and joy, we sometimes forget to look at the bigger picture. Sure, there are lots of nice things, but when you look at longevity, how is this going to benefit you? Is it going to benefit you at all? When I take a step back and look at my relationship with him, do I miss the person or do I miss the feelings? Truthfully, I miss the feelings. He was my first love, so of course, this one’s going to be the hardest. It’s all I know. It’s the only love I know.

My problem is that I’ve wanted to be in a relationship for so long and I’ve wanted it so bad that I end up ruining it for myself every time I get into one. Not that it’s happened frequently. But I just need to chill out. Obviously, I am nowhere near ready to get back into one and it’s going to take some time. There are things I need to work on about myself before I can get back into another relationship. Then, when I least expect it, it will happen. I know because that’s exactly what happened before I got into this last one.

I’ve told myself a thousand times that I need to let go of him. I need to find someone who will treat me better, someone I can trust, someone I won’t have to worry about losing. I’m so afraid of losing him to someone else that it’s causing all of these unnecessary insecurities and jealousy and I don’t want any of those feelings. It doesn’t make me feel good and it doesn’t make me look like a terrible person.

The reality of it is finally beginning to set in, I fear. It’s a good thing though. I know the heart wants what it wants, but sometimes you have to say no to something in order to achieve greater. If I keep holding on to something that will never happen, how will I ever know what lies beyond? That is my worst fear with relationships…getting so caught up in something and holding on to it so tight that I put the blinders on and ignore potentially good matches.

I’m sure some of you have felt this way and can relate. Sometimes, I feel lost. Sometimes, I feel crazy. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal or if I’m losing my mind. But I think after today, I feel a sense of peace…something I haven’t felt in a while. I mean, sure, it’s still going to hurt when he finds another girl, but I can’t let that poison me. I have to free myself of those bonds, the ones that have been preventing me from moving on in my life.

There’s a quote from one of my favorite authors, Mitch Albom, that I often see that relates to all of this. “In order to move on, you need to understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.” It’s a quote that’s stuck with me ever since and it could no relate to my life more than it does now.

At the end of the day, whatever’s going to happen is going to happen. The more I begin to distance myself now, the less hurt I’ll end up. It sucks always feeling like you’re the more vulnerable one…and although there’s only so much you can do to protect yourself, you can try to take as many steps as you can to lessen the amount of pain. It’s going to hurt regardless, but this is the only life we’re given. We need to make the most of it instead of staying in the same place. We need to move on. I need to move on.

– beautifuldarkmystery

move on or remain in the same place.

We can’t help who we fall in love with…sometimes it’s with someone who may not be the best fit for us. Unfortunately, this applies to my life at the moment. I honestly thought that him moving closer to me would make things a lot better and I’d look forward to it. But if anything, it’s made things that much harder. But there’s nothing I can do about it.

I was talking to my mom on the phone last night and we talked about him. She said she doesn’t know what it is that I’m still attracted to about him. To tell you the truth, I don’t exactly know either. However, I think it’s more of the feelings I miss. I miss how I felt with him, I miss the memories, the little things, all of that.

But when I look at the bigger picture, we are complete opposites (hence, opposites attract, right?). We see things very differently. In my mind, I’m afraid of opening myself up to other guys or potentially showing interest because I feel like I’d be emotionally cheating on him…even though we are not together and we are not exclusive. For him, I don’t think that’s the case. For him, I think that not being in a relationship means he can do whatever he wants, which, yes, that’s true. But I don’t want to be someone’s option. I want to have more respect for myself than that. I need to have more respect for myself.

I hate that this still affects me. I wish I didn’t feel so much with my heart. That’s what breaks me. I hate that I’m still the one who’s sad and upset about it while he’s perfectly fine. He probably doesn’t even think twice about it.

I do want better for myself because I know that I deserve to be treated better than this. I just wish I didn’t let him hold me back because I know it’s not like that for him. I want to open my heart again but I know I’m nowhere near ready. They say you can’t look for love, you have to allow it to find you. When the time is right, someone will be placed in front of me. But my biggest fear with this whole thing is that I remain closed off and hold on to the hope that someday things will work out with him. I’ll miss out on opportunities to meet and get to know new people if I continue to live like this. I’m sure there are others who can relate to this situation.

This has been a ticking time bomb from the start. I think it’s really starting to hit me that this is the beginning of the end. In my mind, I’ve already started to accept that it’s never going to work out between us. I need to let go so that I can allow for something better. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person, because he’s not. I just need someone who’s able to provide for me what I need, and he can’t do that…even if he tried. There are parts of his personality that will never click with me and it doesn’t mean I hate him or dislike him as a person. I hope that, if we’re able to move past all of this, we can still be friends. But I see a long road ahead before that can happen.

The ultimate battle is head vs. heart. We’ve all been there before, we all know what that’s like. My mom tells me that one day I’ll wake up and I’ll feel different. It’s difficult to believe when my feelings are so strong, but I hope she’s right. I don’t want to hold on to someone who’s not going to respect me or my feelings…someone who can’t commit to a relationship. I know he has his reasons and they’re valid. But one day, I won’t be waiting around anymore. And it’ll be too late. And he won’t get me back.

– beautifuldarkmystery

head vs. heart.

It scares me how strong my feelings are for him…but I think it’s for real this time, that we’re going back to being just friends. At the moment, I don’t know that I can. How do I even get over this? How do I push past this and move on? Right now, that seems impossible. I just want to be happy again, and right now, happiness would mean being with him…but I know that’s not going to happen. On top of that, I can’t seem to let go of what’s happened in the past, things that have caused me to have trust issues with him…so even if we were to get back into a relationship, I DON’T know that I’d be happy. It really sucks and I’ve never been in a situation like this. I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m going home for a week and maybe this will be my chance to talk to some of my friends and find comfort. I’ve confided in a couple of people about this, people who I think understand me the best and can sort of advise me through all of this. I know it’s not the end of the world, but it sure feels like it. He’s always been so good with his words, saying exactly what I want to hear, and me, being who I am and the emotional person I am, took every single word to heart and believed all of it. I’m not saying that all of what he was saying was false, but it doesn’t help me now.

Right now, he needs to do what’s best for him, and I need to do what’s best for myself. He shouldn’t have to feel like he has to walk on eggshells whenever he talks to me just because I get super sensitive over stupid things sometimes…but at the same time, he realizes and knows why I get sensitive over all of it…because he knows what he’s done. Unfortunately, I hate to have this type of attitude, but it is what it is. I don’t know what it would take for me to get over the times he hurt me in the past. I don’t know that it would happen again because he’s been the one unsure of his feelings all this time. It’s that hesitancy that makes ME hesitant and that’s no way to start off any relationship. Some may ask, so why give him another chance if it didn’t work out the first two times? Well, to be honest, YES, it would have spared me a whole lot of pain right now if I just said no. But I’m the type of person that would rather go through with it than spend my life wondering “what if?”. When he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, I had a feeling it was going to be different this time. And in some ways, yes it was. I do believe his feelings were real and strong towards me. Do I think he still has some of those feelings? Absolutely. We were both each other’s first real love, so we’ll never forget that.

A few posts back, I mentioned having a strong feeling that we’d end up together again in the future. It was a pretty strong feeling and I’d never felt anything like that before. But now that I’m looking at the bigger picture, the smaller that hope is becoming. I think we were putting too much pressure on ourselves in the first place, and I kind of felt it. I’m sure he did too. So that’s not to say that by taking this pressure away, things can happen more naturally…but based on our history and past experiences, I don’t see us having a successful relationship. So as much as it pains me to say it, we are better off being friends. But I just wish it didn’t have to be this difficult. I’ve never had feelings for anyone the way I have feelings for him. Like I said, it truly scares me. It scares me to lose him to someone else, it scares me that someone else can make him happier. And I don’t know if I can be friends with someone I am in love with…to watch him love someone else, that breaks my heart just thinking about it.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to move on. All I know is that I can’t let what happened happen again. I cannot let this consume me, to the point, where I sit in my room and just think about it. I’ve recognized this about myself and know it’s never good. So I need to try and stay as busy as possible…try to think of happier and more positive things. But I can’t leave myself alone with my thoughts because that’s when I get worked up over nothing. I wish I didn’t feel so much with my heart. I feel like that gets me into trouble a lot of the time. We’ll see what happens. I might see him when I come home and we’ll just see how that goes. I just hope it’s not too awkward.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Can you remember your first love? 

losing hope.

I don’t know at this point if I see a future with him anymore…if I see us getting back together…because everything I’ve been feeling is beginning to push me away from him. I can guarantee you this has everything to do with what happened in the past and that’s unfortunate because I really wanted to let all of that go and start over. But past behaviors predict future ones. The feelings I’m getting are all signs that I do not trust him. That’s no way to begin a relationship, if we were to get back in one again. This sucks…my heart wants him, but my brain is telling me he’s not the one…wait for someone better. This sucks!!! I’ve never been in a situation like this before.

A part of me wants to believe that if he TRULY feels the way he’s claiming, he would be trying a little harder. I hate that I think like this, but a part of me feels that he’s only saying the words I want to hear…just to keep me close. I really don’t want to believe that’s true and I hope to God it’s not. We’re not talking as much anymore, and maybe that’s for the better. I can slowly begin cutting him out of my life…because as long as he’s still present in my life, moving on will be that much more difficult. I have to do what’s best for me at this point…and I don’t think a relationship is what’s best. It hurts me to say all of this because my heart longs for me to be with him. But all I can think about are the two girls he’s been hanging out with and how he claims that nothing is going on. In my mind, I am preparing for the worst. I don’t know how much longer I can do this…

– beautifuldarkmystery