what to do.

So last night we were texting as usual and everything was fine. It wasn’t until I steered the conversation in another direction that the mood changed. For those of you who don’t know, I’ve had feelings for this guy for the last three years. We’ve tried twice in the past to be more than friends but both times never worked. It wasn’t until recently that we got into a relationship, but it only lasted a couple of months…simply because I was moving away, he might be gone for a year and a half starting in January, and we hadn’t had enough time to establish anything to feel confident in being away from each other for so long. Anyway, ever since we broke up, we’ve been texting, I’ve used FaceTime once, I’ve called him, and things seem to be going well. We started talking to the point where we felt like we weren’t really broken up, just taking a break. Both of us haven’t been in many relationships so we don’t really know what we’re doing or how it’s supposed to work, but we’ve been trying to make it work for the both of us.

So last night we were texting and I told him I was watching The Amazing Spider-Man on TV. He thought I was teasing him so I sent him a picture of my TV screen. Before I go any further, let me just say that he is a nerd, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. He loves his comic books, superheroes, Star Wars, Superman, Kingdom Hearts, you name it. He loves it all. Ever since I met him, I’ve KNOWN how much all of this means to him and how important they are and I know they will forever be a part of his life. So when I told him I was watching Spider-Man, he said he was surprised I was watching it without him having to “force” me to watch it. I told him he’s never forced me to do anything. I was trying to be open-minded to the things he liked because I love him and I know how important all of this is to him.

Then, he kept telling me how he’s attracted to nerds and how by me willingly watching it made me more attractive to him. Then I was honest with him. I told him, that when we started dating, and even before that, I thought it would be so much easier if he could find someone who shared these similar interests because I KNOW how passionate he is and I know how exciting it is when you find someone who likes the same things as you and you can talk and talk and the conversation will never go dull. Then he told me how he met these two girls this semester who fit that description, they’re nerds like him, but he said they’re not me. I told him he should be open-minded and explore his options because you never know. Then he said he’s been talking to this one girl in particular and she’s become a really good friend of his because, and these were his exact words, “she is the female equivalent to me.” My heat sank when I read those words and I got really jealous. I told him I know I have no right to be because we’re not in a relationship anymore, but I couldn’t help what I feel. He continued to insist that he loves me and that he wants me, but at that moment, I couldn’t see any of that.

Then he told me that aside from that, I am his ideal girl in every other way possible. So I asked him in what ways. In the past, he’s talked about how much he wants me physically and I know that he’s said he wants certain things with me BECAUSE it’s me, but sometimes I get the feeling there’s more of a physical attraction from him than an emotional one and I am an emotional person. I value an emotional connection with someone when I’m in a relationship. He listed his qualities and they were all emotional qualities, which made me feel a little better. But still, I was more focused on the fact that he’s been talking to and hanging out with this girl and I have NO right to feel jealous. We are NOT in a relationship and I feel horrible for having these feelings, but it’s so damn hard sometimes….especially after everything we’ve been through.

He was starting to get tired so we ended the conversation there. He went to bed, I lied in bed wide awake. I hate when this happens because then my mind starts going into overdrive and I start thinking things I shouldn’t be thinking. But automatically, I started thinking of the time he told me he was going to go out for drinks with “a new friend” but he didn’t because he didn’t want me to get the wrong idea….then I thought about the time he asked me whether or not I’d want to know if he found someone new, if I would want to know…then I thought about the time he told me that by seeing other people it will make us stronger….and all of these thoughts flooded my mind.

I’ve mentioned this before, but in the past, I’ve tried to be more open-minded to the things he likes. I watched one of the Star Wars movies with him, I played a little Kingdom Hearts, I even read my first comic book. No, not all of these appealed to me, but at least I TRIED and did these things because I LOVE him. He knows that and he says it means a lot to him. I guess I just wish he would have done the same for me. But he doesn’t think like that. I mean, even if he didn’t like it, I wish he would have at least tried like I did. I’ve always believed that actions speak louder than words.

So now I’m torn. I know he says he loves me and wants me, but from my perspective, I feel like I’m kind of in the way. To me, having similar interests in a relationship is a great thing…sometimes I feel like if we did, maybe our conversations wouldn’t be so dull. So now I don’t know if I should start to pull back a bit…because for the last couple of nights, we’ve been texting each other like we’re still in a relationship. It hurts, but I don’t want to hold him back. He keeps telling me he doesn’t see it like that because I’m the one he wants and that he loves me, but I don’t know.

And let me just say something. A couple of years ago, when we admitted to having feelings for each other and wanted to see where this would go, I was working a shift at a film festival (I’m pretty sure I mentioned this in one of my previous posts), and he texted me asking if I thought we’d ever end up together…because he’d been hanging out with someone and felt like he was “betraying” me. No, we weren’t in a relationship and we weren’t exclusive, but I don’t think he knows that that ONE incident kind of scarred me. When feelings get involved, it makes things that much more difficult. My feelings for him were obviously stronger than the ones he had for me back then so of course, the one with the stronger feelings is ALWAYS going to get hurt more in the end. I still remember holding it together until the end of my shift, then rushing back to my car and just sitting there and crying. I vividly remember that day, though I try to block it from my memory. All I’m saying is that I KNOW I’m having these feelings for a reason. It’s not just straight up jealousy. It’s more of a fear…because something similar to this has happened before.

Unfortunately, though, when something like that happens, I focus more on the negatives instead of the positives, which I know I have to work on. So I want to try and focus on the positives for a minute. He and I have grown super close, especially over the last five months or so. He’s opened up to me in ways he never has to anyone before. He feels like he can talk to me about anything and everything. I SAW how much he was hurting after I broke up with him. Thinking about that still rips me to shreds. I KNOW this guy loves me with all of his heart…and that should be enough. I’ve never felt such a tight bond and closeness to another human being before. We both have a strong feeling that this is not the end of our story…that there’s a place for us in the future, those were his exact words.

I guess I’m having these feelings because he’s always been good with words, but when it comes to SHOWING me that he loves me, that hasn’t been so high. He’s told me he’s not good with relationships and he doesn’t know what to do sometimes….so sometimes I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and claim ignorance. But still. I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship where I’m constantly questioning how he feels about me. For some people, that’s enough…but I think I’m the type of person who wants to be SHOWN. I’m not a materialistic person, but if a guy buys me flowers, or even writes me a letter, or ANYTHING, it reaffirms that love. It’s not so much the materialistic part as much as it is about the THOUGHT behind it. I’m sure there are other girls out there who feel the same way. But that’s just not who he is. When I had my going away party, some of my friends got me gifts and at the end of the night he apologized for not getting me anything. I told him not to worry about it, but in my mind, I thought, even if it was just a card, that would have meant the world to me. It didn’t even have to have anything in it. But that’s just not who he is, and if I want to be in a relationship with him, I really have to take those things into consideration and really think about if this is what I really want. Don’t get me wrong, I love this guy with all of my heart. We’ve both expressed to each other how strong of a hold we have on each other…and we both said to each other yesterday morning that we will always be each other’s first true loves.

There’s a part of me that truly believes that what he’s saying is how he really feels and that he is in love with me and there is no one else. But sometimes, me being the person I am, I overlook all of those things and focus on the one thing that should be kind of trivial. Yes, it’s nice to be with someone who shares similar interests with you, but that’s not what the entire relationship is about. Being in a relationship is about being with someone who makes you feel things you’ve never felt before…being with someone who makes you happy, being with someone who can’t stand to be apart from, someone you can be yourself around, someone you can laugh and cry with.

I’m going to see him in about three weeks so we’ll see how that goes. He also plans on visiting me in a couple of months, so that’ll be interesting. I guess, if I’ve realized anything after typing out my thoughts, it’s that I can’t focus on the future, I can’t worry about it because it hasn’t happened yet. However, there are things I need to start seriously considering if I want to continue a relationship with him. Can I live with the fact he doesn’t do the small gestures to show me he loves me? Can I live with the fact that he’s not great with relationships? Can I live with the fact that he doesn’t know how to deal with me or my emotions sometimes? Can I trust him and know that what he feels for me is true? Am I willing to accept all of these to be in a relationship with him? I am so torn because I am in love with him, but I don’t know if I would necessarily be happy. It’s about how much I’d be willing to give up to be with him…I don’t know.


feeling good.

We FaceTimed and it was my first time seeing him since I moved. It was so great to see him and hear his voice. I couldn’t help but noticed he looked a little sad and he said he really misses me and hates that I’m so far away from him. I did tell him I’m coming home in about three weeks and that seemed to make him feel a little better.

“When I come home, I’m going to give you THE biggest hug ever,” I told him
“Oh really?” he said surprised.
“Yes, will that make you feel better?”
“A little…”
“A little?! I want a LOT!”
“Well, you’d have to kiss me to make me feel better.”
“Aw, well maybe I’ll have to do that.”

We both laughed. At least we can laugh about it. I know he wants the relationship, and so do I. But we both know that the timing isn’t so great and the fact that he doesn’t know where he’ll be this next year makes things a little difficult. I can’t wait to see him, but I hope it’ll be okay. I know he’s going to go back into boyfriend mode and treat me like his girlfriend, but we’ll just see what happens. I think it’ll be okay.

We also talked about going to Disneyland for my birthday. Apparently he said we’re going to do it, so I guess it’s happening. That should be interesting. It’s been THE number one thing at the top of our list of things we want to do together…we’ve been talking about this since the day we met, nearly three years ago. If we FINALLY make it happen, it’ll be a dream come true. Should be interesting…

Overall, I think we’re in a good place. We both have a feeling that this is not the end of our relationship…that we will be together again someday, and that feeling alone, has brought both of us some comfort and peace of mind. It’s going to take some getting used to because I’ve never been in a situation like this before. But all I know is what I feel. I love him, and he loves me…and one day, maybe it’ll finally work out the way we want. I hope…but time will tell.


a test of true love.

So he and I had a pretty good talk last night and I’m glad we did, because it somewhat puts my mind at ease a little bit. Basically, I was hit with a very strong feeling yesterday, and I mentioned this in my previous post…that I feel as though this is not over yet. Somehow, someway, we will find our way back to each other. I gained more confidence as we were talking about how we’d both be a tad jealous if we ended up dating other people in the meantime. There’s a quote that I read a while back that always stuck with me, before I even knew what love was. It was a quote by Johnny Depp that says, “If you love two people at the same time, choose the second, because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.” It’s so true. So I’m going to look at this as a test of our love for each other. If he loves me like he says he does, he will come back. I can only speak for myself and know that I love him more than anything. Could I date other people? Absolutely, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll necessarily fall in love with them.

Yes, I’ll still be jealous if he finds someone else but this feeling I got last night…it was enough to give me the confidence I need in knowing that there’s a place in the future for us. Could I be wrong? Of course. For all I know, I am completely out of my mind. But his dad said we don’t know what could happen, my mom believes we’re going to end up together again, and even some of our friends have pointed it out. I think part of this feeling comes from knowing our past and knowing what we’ve been through together. Yes, there were times he was interested in other girls, but who did he go back to at the end of it? Me. And all of those previous events we went through together of falling apart and coming back together have made us stronger today. I can only hope for the best, but expect the worst.

He claims he doesn’t want it to happen, that he doesn’t want to find someone new, but it’s always going to be in the back of my mind. I need to prepare myself for it too. There could also be a possibility I could meet someone. But I know that things happen for a reason (I’m starting to sound like a broken record now). But I know this is not the end yet. We’re not through, our love story is just beginning. But this…this is going to be the true test of our love for each other, right here, right now.


Was there ever a time you tested your love with someone? How did it work out?

some things fall apart so other things can fall together.

I’ve been texting him a lot tonight and our conversation suddenly took a turn towards the deep end…we just broke up recently and obviously the feelings are still there on both ends. But he wanted to know if he should tell me if/when he meets someone new. I didn’t really know how to answer this at first, but basically I told him that I would want him to tell me so I wouldn’t be waiting around wishing on something that’s not going to happen. However, because my feelings are so strong, I wouldn’t be happy…I would start to pull away. Then he responded with something like, “Well then you won’t have to worry about that because I don’t want you to pull away. I need you in my life.” See how sticky this situation is??? I told him it wouldn’t be temporary, but it WOULD be difficult for me to be in his life, seeing him happy with someone else. I know I’m not alone in this. We’ve all gone through it at some point.

This whole conversation started when I brought up the film festival a few of our mutual friends gathered for back in June. There was one particular night when a group of us were hanging out at the after party and we were all bowling and having a good time. He pointed out that that night is his favorite memory of me because he’d never seen me so free and happy before. I’m typically a reserved and quiet person…a lot of my friends know me as the “serious one,” but that night, it was like everyone saw a different side of me, a FUN side. Yes, serious people know how to have a little fun too. Anyway, then I started joking around saying that I’ll probably have plenty more of those nights now that I’ve moved and he said he wish he could be there to see it. Then, randomly, he said, “Yeah, you’re sure to catch someone’s eye.” I said, “What’s that supposed to mean?” He said, That you’re beautiful and amazing.” And then we went on from there. I said, “The girl you end up with is going to be a lucky one. Guarantee it. 🙂 You’re more amazing than you think.” He responded with, “Here’s to hoping it’s you. And the same goes for you. Whoever you end up with there will always be a part of me that’s jealous.”

It’s difficult not being in a relationship anymore when the feelings are still so strong and very much there. He plans on visiting me at least once this semester and he still wants to take me to Disneyland for my birthday. I don’t know if this is going to help or hurt us, especially since we’re trying to hard to “move on.” I keep having this gut feeling that he’s going to meet someone this semester or grow closer to someone this semester and then I’m going to get that dreaded text or phone call. I fear this because it’s happened before. A long time ago when I was still in school, I was working a shift at a local film festival and he texted me and said something along the lines of, “Do you think we’ll ever end up together? I’ve been hanging out with someone and I feel like I’m betraying you.” That was one of THE worst text messages I had ever received and I fear that history is going to repeat itself and I’ll be the one hurt again. Feelings suck. I wish I could detach them all…

Speaking of feelings, he told me he didn’t have very many until he met me. That was kind of nice to hear because it only reaffirmed that what we had was very real. The feelings were real. It wasn’t just some relationship. We truly loved each other and we still do. These last two weeks have been hell for us…from breaking up to coping with trying to go back to being “just friends.” It’s been difficult. And now that I’m 300 miles away from him, it sucks even more. But I mean, maybe we have to be apart to realize how much we need each other. We may even date some people between now and the next time we see each other. But at the end of the day, I truly believe with all of my heart that if we love each other, we will find our way back. I strongly believe it. There’s something about him, there’s a connection I feel with him that I don’t feel with anyone else. I don’t know how to describe it. But I don’t want to get my hopes up and be disappointed yet again. But something is telling me that this isn’t over yet. My mom’s told me the same thing, some of our friends have said the same thing. I can only hope that they are all right.


goodnight moon.

Well, last night was very bittersweet. I had a little get-together with a few of my closest friends from college to spend one more night with them before I move. It was great seeing everyone, but it was sad when it came time to say goodbye. Before everyone left, I told them to share their favorite memory they’ve had with me. I asked my ex this question but he said he couldn’t choose a favorite, and left it at that.

But it was the most difficult to say goodbye to a very special person. My ex. After everyone left, it was just the two of us and we hung out for a bit. I teared up a few times because I’ve never met a person I don’t want to be apart from. I’m still very much in love with him and he made it clear he still feels the same about me. I hate that this is so complicated. I wish we didn’t make things so complicated as human beings. If two people want to be together, they should be together. I was really hoping tonight he would say something and express that he still wants a relationship, but he’s still pretty damaged and I don’t blame him. I just had to go and ruin something good we had going.

The thing is, I really want to have hope that ONE day, we will finally work out and we will be happy together and things will fall into place. But it’s so difficult to have hope when so much can change once I leave. It’s scary. He has hope and he wants it to work out. I don’t know what makes him so sure.

At one point in the night, he pulled me close and hugged me. It just feels right having his arms wrapped around me. I feel safe, secure, and loved. He whispered “I love you.” Then we looked into each other’s eyes and we kissed. I got butterflies all over again. It was as if he was kissing me for the first time again. I’m going to miss all the little things the most. The “good morning” texts, all the times he told me I was beautiful, his hugs, his kisses, holding his hand, sitting next to him on the couch, and everything else about him.

Then he told me he never answered my question earlier. I was caught off guard, but then I remembered. I had asked everyone to share their favorite memory they had with me. Then he shared his with me. “My favorite memory was that Tuesday night when I fell in love with you.” He was referring to the time he came to my house because my friends and I were going to this film festival thing and he came a couple of days early to spend time with me. I smiled.

I wish there was some way I could take a glance into the future and see if we really do end up together. Some of our friends think we will, my mom think we will, he thinks we will. I seem to be the only one having doubts. My worst fear is that he grows close to someone this semester and develops feelings for her. That will KILL me inside. But honestly, I think that’s the only way I’ll ever be able to move on, because if that happens, I’ll have no choice BUT to move on. The feelings I have for him, are ones that will never go away. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much time passes. There’s a reason I held on for so long. I’ve felt this way about him for the last three years, and the thing is, I never thought it was possible. I never thought I had the ability to love someone the way I love him.

As I was driving home, “Goodnight Moon” by Go Radio came on and every time I hear that song I’m reminded of him, not only because of the lyrics, but because he put this song on a CD he made for me. It’s also the song we were listening to on the day he first said “I love you” to me. It will always be a significant song.

It’s definitely going to be difficult being apart from him. I know I’m not going that far away, but I won’t have the convenience of being able to drive over and hang out whenever I want. He told me he’ll FaceTime me and we’ll talk on the phone and I can text him whenever I want…well, if that’s the case, then I don’t see why we can’t make this work. But I know deep down inside why we can’t right now…I hurt him more than anyone else has before and I will never forgive myself for that. He made me feel really bad when he said if only I would have taken him back that night or said something…that kills me. I will always be haunted by that. He keeps telling me that it’s not my fault and I don’t have to be sorry, but I think I’ll always carry some of that guilt with me.

He said he plans on visiting me during the semester and he still wants to go to Disneyland with me for my birthday. I don’t know how I feel about this yet. Of course I want to see him, but at the same time, it might make things more difficult for me…because for the last couple of times that we’ve seen each other, we’ve gone back into couple mode when we’re not in a relationship anymore. Obviously, it’s because the feelings are still there and we still are in love with each other. I wish I could have one more night with him but I’m afraid it will only make things worse. He’s already sad I’m leaving. He said, “I don’t know why the one person who’s most important to me has to leave. Why couldn’t it have been someone else? Why did it have to be you?” That made it even more difficult.

As I teared up some more, he wrapped his arms around me again and told me I’m going to be okay. He said, “You’re one of the strongest girls I know. You can do this. I’ve always looked up to you.” That was one of the sweetest things he’d ever said to me. I really really really hope we end up together again someday, and this time it will work out. Why? We’ve encountered obstacles like this and we’re making it through.

I told him that if we were in the Wizard of Oz, he’d be my scarecrow. He’s been on this journey with me the longest and I’ll miss him the most. I know we’ll always be there for each other and we’ll always have each other in our lives, but I want it to be more than just that. I want to be in a relationship with my best friend. I want my boyfriend back.


Have any of you been in a situation like this? How did you deal with it? What did you do?

on the mend.

I didn’t talk to him at all yesterday, not even text him, even though I had many urges to ask how he’s doing. In a sense, I feel obligated since I’M the one who broke his heart. But at the same time, I think the only way I can begin to move forward for myself is to create some space and distance. It’s difficult because we spent the last three months or so texting each other every single minute of every day, we FaceTimed each other, talked on the phone occasionally…it’s going to be hard getting into a new routine. I don’t know what’s going through his mind or how he feels, but I get the feeling he’s starting to move on too.

I’m definitely still having some regrets about how things went down last weekend, but every time I start to go back to that place, I just remind myself that if we didn’t do any of that now, it would have happened at some point, eventually. There is just SO much in the air right now, so much uncertainty. With the fact that he might be gone for a year and a half makes my stomach turn. If we were to still continue our relationship, I don’t know that I could. I feel like long distance only works if both people feel completely secure with each other, and , clearly, neither of us felt like that. So in my mind, we were going to break up anyway, whether this fight happened or not…

What sucks is that I DON’T know if that’s actually going to happen. There could be a possibility he gets neither job opportunity and he’s still here. I don’t know why I don’t think about that. In my mind, I think he’s going to get both. Well, whatever the case, I do believe that things happen for a reason, and if we are seriously and truly meant to be together, we’ll find a way back to each other. I really do believe that…we’ve tried this three times now, and, from the outside, someone would probably tell me that it’s never going to work if it hasn’t worked yet. But the way I look at it is that there’s still something that keeps drawing us back together. I blame timing for why our relationship didn’t work out this time. My sister brought up a very good point. He and I started our relationship at the beginning of July. Immediately after that, I went away on vacation for a week so I couldn’t see him or spend time with him. I was offered a job/internship for the entire month of August, so unfortunately, we lost some more time there…and looking back on it, we didn’t really have time to develop anything before I move down south. I think THAT’S where a huge amount of this feeling of insecurity is coming from. it sucks that I see this only now in hindsight. But, there’s a slight possibility that we’re not through yet. I don’t want to plant any false hopes in my head so I keep telling myself that this is it…but I DON’T know what’s going to happen. I don’t know that we’ll end up together again.

With the way we left things, it’s not a yes or a no…it’s a maybe. My mom told me it’s important to be really good friends before dating. When I hear that, in my mind I’m thinking, well, yeah, we were friends before we started dating. But what she truly meant was…really get to know the person. I may have known this guy for three years, but have I really KNOWN him? I know it sounds weird. But we are both still growing and there are things about each other we don’t like or don’t know how to handle. If we really took the time to develop a serious friendship, maybe this would have turned out differently…which is why my mom keeps telling me that maybe it’s not over yet. She said we both need to go through hardships like this and if we can get over this hurdle, we’ll be stronger in the end.

Everything happens for a reason. They say if you love someone, let that person go. If he/she comes back, then they’re yours. If they don’t, then they never were. I know I’ll love him no matter what. In the deepest parts of my heart, I’ll ALWAYS want a relationship with him, I will ALWAYS have those feelings for him…but if a friendship is the only thing that will ever come out of this, then I’d like to continue developing that. I just really wish I could read his mind right now and really know what he’s thinking.


Can two people go back to being friends after being in a relationship? 

heartbreak and regret.

The last couple of days have been pretty rough for me. First off, I broke up with my boyfriend. I know, it’s crazy…we’d only been going out for a couple of months. But there’s more to the story. I am hurt, frustrated, lost, and regretful.

It all started when I came back from my trip. I hadn’t seen him for a whole month so I was looking forward to returning home and spending time with him before I have to move. Sadly, that wasn’t the case. Things started off great…he came over to my house the day I got back just so he could spend time with me. I had missed him so much and I’ll never forget the feeling I had when I saw him for the first time in 30 days. It was what happened after that was the beginning of the end.

A couple of days after he came over, I noticed we were a little distant. Okay, sometimes, I have a tendency to be really passive aggressive, and instead of telling someone what’s wrong, it translates into being pissed off. He brought up that when I get in moods like this, he doesn’t know how to handle it and it hurts him because he doesn’t know what to do…and that if it continued, he didn’t know how much longer we’ll last. Our conversations started to become stiffer and stiffer. (These conversations were all happening through text, which was not a good idea.) He also started saying things like he has doubts about our relationship whenever he doesn’t see me…meaning it gets difficult for him when we are apart. As he was saying these things, I started to become anxious and get way inside my own head, overanalyzing every little thing instead of just talking it out. As the week went on, I became more and more frustrated. On top of this, I was already dealing with other personal issues, so the timing of everything really sucked. I felt trapped and I had no way of getting out. We continued texting for the week and I was so paranoid that I kept asking him if this is what he really wanted. He kept telling me yes, but the way I was thinking was that he wasn’t happy and that he was staying in this only because it was what I wanted.

On Friday night, we met up and I ended up being the one breaking up with him. But the thing was, I just jumped to a conclusion instead of trying to talk it out like I wanted to. And I found out after the fact, that he had NO IDEA why I was upset. So if he didn’t know, how could he have fixed it? We were both upset. I broke down because I really didn’t want to do it, but I felt like it was what was best at the moment. We both left things on bad terms. Both of us were broken, hurt, and visibly upset.

I spent all of Friday night and Saturday morning absolutely miserable, crying my eyes out. I can’t remember a time I felt that upset over anything. It physically hurt, I could feel my heart breaking. I felt like I had no control over my emotions. And I think I felt ten times worse than he did because I was the one who broke up with him. I hurt him.

When I woke up Saturday morning, I checked my phone out of habit, expecting a text from him like usual. Sadly, there wasn’t one. I nearly went the entire day not talking to him. My mom hated seeing me so upset that it actually made her cry, and that didn’t make me feel any better about what was going on. She sat down with me and we had a talk. I decided I needed to talk to him again. So I texted him…I said I just wanted one or two hours of his time to really talk and we were originally going to do it Sunday because Saturday night, he had already made plans with his friend. But he said if I really wanted to meet up that night, he’d be there.

We met up, same time same place as the night before. He was very guarded when I saw him, which was understandable. I don’t think he wanted to give me a hug, but I gave him one anyway. Then we sat in my car and I started the conversation. It’s never easy to admit you’re wrong, but that’s exactly what I had to do…own up to my mistake, because I felt like I’d made a HUGE mistake Friday night. I told him I was willing to make some compromises and changes to make this work. There was a pause before he looked at me and said that he didn’t think it was a good idea. He said it was too soon and he was really destroyed Friday night. Yes, I was disappointed, but at the same time, I understood and he had every right to feel that way. But yes, I was hurt because I guess I was expecting the answer he gave me, but I was still a little hopeful.

He didn’t make me feel any better when he continued to tell me how the rest of Friday night went for him. He came home and talked to his sister and now she doesn’t like me very much. He said he was hoping that before we parted ways that night that I would have taken him back. That KILLED me because for the rest of that night, that’s all I wanted to do. I began to regret everything I said on Friday night, the way everything went down, the fact that I didn’t even give him a chance to explain his side of the story…and I ruined something good. We would have been perfectly fine if I would have just communicated with him on Friday night like I did on Saturday night.

When things got a little better, we ended up grabbing a bite to eat, and then we sat in his car for the rest of the night just talking and reassuring each other that we’re always going to be a presence in each other’s lives…that no matter what happens, we will ALWAYS be there for each other. We both agreed we’ve never fought for each other as much as we have for anyone else, and that what we have is something truly special. I almost felt as though we became even closer that night, no matter how much the circumstances sucked. So in the end, yes, we walked away on good terms, which is great because it could have ended a hundred other ways under much worse circumstances. But the fact that he was willing to meet up with me the day after I broke his heart and that I cared enough to reach out to him and talk to him and apologize for what I felt was a mistake on my behalf…that shows what type of relationship we truly have. We care enough about each other that much.

When we were just sitting in his car, it was a little rigid, only because we were used to being a couple and now we were trying to keep our hands off of each other. It was difficult because he kept staring at me and rubbing my leg as if we were still in a relationship. He’s a very physical person when it comes to that sort of thing, so his natural tendency was to touch me.

“What are you thinking about?” I said.
“Well, I want to say something, but I don’t know if I’m allowed to say it anymore,” he responded.
“Tell me.”
“You look amazing. That’s why it was so hard for me to look at you and say that I couldn’t take you back.”
“Oh, well thank you.”

We sat there and continued to look at each other. His hand was still on my leg. I put my hand over his.

“It’ll be okay,” I told him.
He gave me a look.
“What?” I asked.
“I really want to kiss you now and it’s taking everything in me not to do it,” he said.
“I know, it’s hard. Believe me,” I said.

To make a long story short, we gave into temptation and went back to being a couple for one more night. In hindsight, I don’t know that that was a good idea. At the time, I was thinking, well, it doesn’t really matter because I’ll be gone after this and I won’t be able to see him. But I shouldn’t have given him what he wanted because the next morning, he told me that this gave him closure to this step in our relationship. I kind of felt like if he didn’t want to go back to being in the relationship, I shouldn’t have let him treat me like his girlfriend when I wasn’t.

But now I need to move forward, even though it’s difficult at the moment. I’m a person who adores the small things…a good morning text, holding hands, cuddling, a kiss on the forehead…ALL of those things are the things I’m going to miss the most. I’m going to miss being close to him. I’m going to miss texting him all day, every day. I’m going to miss sitting on the couch with him watching The Big Bang Theory. I’m going to miss him telling me that he loves me. The sound of his voice, the way he used to look at me, like I was the most beautiful girl in the world. I’m going to miss the fact that he remembered every single detail of our relationship, from the day I said yes to him, to the first time he told me he loved me. I’m going to miss everything we’ll never have…how we saw a future together, living together, growing old together, the fact that we both wanted to go to Disneyland together as a couple for my birthday…but now none of that is ever going to happen.

Before the night ended, he told me he’ll never lose hope that one day this could work out, but sadly, I think I lost my final chance. I forgot to mention that there’s a possibility he cold be gone for a year and a half starting next January, and a LOT can change in that amount of time. Feelings could change. But I can only speak for myself, and I know that I truly love this guy. There’s no one else I can see myself with. I love him so much I was willing to really make some changes in my life in order to make this work, but I guess at the end of the day, it wasn’t worth it to him too…not saying that he doesn’t care, because I know he does. But we are different people and maybe I’m too much for him to handle. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to detach my feelings because I don’t think they will ever go away. I’ve felt this way about him for the last three years and the feelings are still strong; they just grew stronger once we were actually in a relationship. He will always have a part of my heart I will never get back…even if he moves on completely. I will always love him in a way I don’t love anyone else. He will always be that one guy I never lose feelings for. I know it may seem like I’m only saying that now because everything is raw and still recent…but I truly believe this in my heart…it’s why I held on for so long, it’s why I fought. The thought of meeting someone else seems unfathomable. I hate that I took away his happiness, I hate that I hurt him, I hate that I was the cause of his pain.


What challenges and obstacles do you face in your relationships? How did you work it out?