rock bottom.

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been super busy. First off, I spent last month in another state working on my first feature. Unfortunately, that caused some friction in my relationship because ever since I’ve come back home, things have not been the same between us. To make things worse, we’ve been texting, not talking, which is resulting in me overthinking and overanalyzing a lot of things…therefore, jumping to conclusions I don’t need to jump to. We’ve both considered splitting before I move. I’m going to be six hours away from him and he doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle the distance. But a couple of days ago, he decides to drop the bomb (well, almost) on me and tell me he might be moving across the country for a year and a half. How am I supposed to take that? They’re both for job opportunities and I would be happy for him if he got both, but I don’t know if I can do long distance. I think in order to do long distance, both people need to feel secure in the relationship, something both of us are lacking. A recipe for disaster.

To make things even worse, as soon as I got back home, I was supposed to start studying for the GRE so I can start applying to grad schools. However, by me being distracted by all that’s going on with him, I neglected my studies and caused friction with my mom, who gave me NO slack. I don’t blame her though. I let this stupid thing take over my life and resulted in some very poor decision-making.

I tend to be the type of person that doesn’t like to open up, and my mom got even more frustrated with me because I wasn’t telling her what was going on. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to her about it, I didn’t know if I was too much inside my own head and that anything I was thinking was even rational at all. Plus, I kind of knew what she would say…and she would try and talk me out of the relationship without intending to.

I don’t know what’s going to happen, but something needs to change. We need to sit down and talk. I think there’s been a lot of miscommunication, which is causing a lot of unhappiness. I’m frustrated because I want this to work, but I keep getting the vibe from him that he doesn’t want this. Yet, he tells me he doesn’t want to break up with me and all he wants is for me to be happy. The way I interpret that is…he’s in the relationship only so that I’ll be happy, which is not right. It’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to me. I’ve given him opportunities for an out, but he insists on staying. Maybe I’m going to have to be the one to pull the cord. As much as I don’t want to. Everything my mom is telling me, everything I am feeling…points to, I shouldn’t be with him.

But I love him so much and I can’t picture my life without him. If we end it, there’s no way I can go back to being “just friends” with him…especially after EVERYTHING we’ve been through these last three years. We’ve only been dating for a couple of months, but this whole thing has been going on since we met. It may be one of the toughest decisions I have to make and I don’t want to do it. But if things really don’t start changing, I’m going to have to do it.

I haven’t felt this frustrated in a long time…not just with relationships, but with my personal life as well. I just graduated college and have no idea what I’m doing. In some ways I feel like I’m being pressured to go to grad school so I can get that higher degree, but at the same time, I don’t even know that that’s what I really want. On top of that, I need to start looking for a job and I don’t know if what I got my BA in is what I want to do in life. There are a lot of things in question at the moment and the timing of everything just sucks. I’ve been crying for the last four days and I don’t even know how I still have any tears left, to be honest. Well, it’s like they say, the great thing about hitting rock bottom is that you can only go up from there. So here goes nothing.

– beautifuldarkmystery

In a relationship, how do you know when to try harder or when to walk away?

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the end is near.

In a week from today, I will be graduating college. It’s so weird to think about and I don’t think I’ve fathomed it yet. I can’t believe how quickly these last four years went. If I thought high school was fast, college’s got nothing on that. As I’m preparing to end my undergraduate journey, I’m left with mixed feelings.

To be completely honest, I still don’t know if film is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. My mom and dad don’t know and my sister doesn’t know. I haven’t really talked to anyone about it because I’m still trying to figure all of it out. I’m torn because on one hand, I try to convince myself that this is my passion because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be putting in the long hours on set and helping out on as many projects as I can. At the same time, as I’m surrounded by people who know what they want to do and are driven and motivated, I feel as though I’m left on the sidelines. I’ve had an awesome time in college, but I don’t know that I ever found my niche, what it is that I really want to do with my degree.

I will be going to get my Masters and even though it “looks better” to have the higher degree, I don’t really want to go. I haven’t told this to my parents either because they’re the ones who “made the decision for me.” I don’t want to disappoint them. I guess I better start being more proactive and really focus on trying to see what I like to do.

And that’s the other thing…I feel like if I have to TRY and search for some aspect of film that interests me, then I feel like this is what I shouldn’t be doing. To me, having a passion doesn’t require the effort of “searching,” it’s there, you just have to mold and craft it. But perhaps I AM getting ahead of myself. Maybe I haven’t “found” my passion yet and the best is yet to come.

I’m sure there are a bunch of other people who know how I’m feeling right now and can relate. So what can I conclude from this post? I have very mixed feelings about graduation. I’m happy because the last four years of hard work are finally paying off. However, at the same time I’m sad…not only because I’m leaving behind some incredibly talented and amazing people, but also because it means I will no longer have school to simply occupy time. I need to figure my life out and I need to find what motivates and inspires me.

I know that I don’t need to have all the answers at this very moment, but some guidance wouldn’t hurt. I’ve always felt a little lost throughout my four years of college, but every time I begin to think like that, again, I always remind myself that if I didn’t love it, I wouldn’t be putting in the long hours being on set. It’s a scary place to be in, but I think that this is pretty normal. I think if I WEREN’T questioning myself, I’d be in a lot of trouble.

– beautifuldarkmystery