i hate change.

I don’t know about you guys, but I hate change. I am trying to be more accepting and open to it, but it doesn’t mean I like it. I was just watching some old videos of me and my friends back when we were in high school, and I can’t help but notice how much times have changed. I’m talking about two people in particular. They’re brother and sister, and they were my best friends in high school. They were there for me when I really needed friends. Without them, high school would have been miserable. They’ve seen me laugh, cry, and everything in between.

Now we’re all in college and we’re going our separate ways…and naturally, we drifted apart. It happens. They’re both in relationships now, they have their own group of friends. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about them or wonder how they’re doing. I’ve recently hung out with them both (on separate occasions) and I could tell that a lot has changed. I don’t know if they think I’m judging them by the choices they’re making (because I don’t believe in some of them, but haven’t been vocal about it…however, they know where I stand with certain issues)…or if it’s because so much time has passed and we don’t see or talk to each other every day like we did back then.

I just miss them sometimes. I’ve always been one of those people jealous of those who can say they’ve been friends with this person since they were in kindergarden or whatever. I wish I could have someone in my life like that. However, I guess having my sister as my best friend kind of compensates for that because she literally is my other half. We can tell each other anything and everything and I KNOW she’s not going anywhere.

I can’t really say I’ve made close friends in college yet, despite how many people I’ve met. I still haven’t met someone I can completely feel comfortable and be myself around. And I hope one day, I’ll meet that person. I mean, don’t get me wrong. It’s nice that I have my sister to talk to, but sometimes I wish I had someone else other than family that I could talk to…someone who could give me a fresh perspective on things.

I know part of that comes with me learning how to put myself out there. I need to become better at socializing because meeting people is half of it. And as difficult as it is for me, it’s something I need to know how to do and be able to do. It just comes a little easier to others, and for some, we have to work at it a little harder…and that’s okay.

Even though my friends and I have drifted apart, it doesn’t mean I despise them or hate them for not being friends with me anymore. I know that whenever I’m having a terrible day, I can look back on a memory we’ve shared together and then I smile. Sometimes God places people in our lives when we need them the most. Sometimes they’re only a part of one chapter in your life. Sorry to get all religious on you guys, I won’t go any further than that. But it’s my philosophy. I believe He puts people in my path when it’s appropriate. That’s why I feel “Tom” came into my life when he did. That’s why those two came into my life when they did. They were the ones who, bless their hearts, listened to me complain about my ex over and over again and still comforted me and gave me advice and guidance when I needed it.

Growing up is hard, and moving on is even harder, but it’s necessary. Nothing lasts forever and all good things must come to an end. Deep down inside, I am truly happy to see they’re doing well. I wish them nothing but happiness. But I hope, like me, they will never forget all of the wonderful times we’ve spent together, all the times we were there to lift each other’s spirits. I hope they will never forget any of that.

I hate change, but it’s something I’ll just have to get used to.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Do you like change? Why or why not?

Advertisements

my prom experience.

I’m not sure if I’ve talked about this yet, but if I have, I apologize for my redundancy. I was just talking to one of my friends and somehow, prom was mentioned and I was explaining to him about my experiences. And now I’d like to share those experiences with you.

When I think of prom, I think the perfect dress, getting my hair done, having the perfect date, renting a limo and getting a huge group of friends together. When I think about prom, I envision it like the movies. The guy arrives at the girl’s house, looking handsome in her tux. She slowly makes her entrance down the staircase, her heart racing because she’s dying to see him. Their eyes meet and he smiles at her…as if she’s the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. The parents jump in with their cameras to get the classic “pinning-the-boutonniere-oh-my-gosh-I-hope-I-don’t-stab-him-but-I’m-going-to-smile-anyway” photo. The group all meets up at one of the houses and everyone piles into the backyard to get those last-minute photos before it’s time to head into the dance. When they finally arrive, the happy couple dances the night away, looking into each other’s eyes, they can’t stop smiling. That slow song begins to play. He gently grabs her hand and pulls her close. She rests her head on his chest as they sway back and forth to the soft ballad. In that moment, it’s as if everything is perfect and she doesn’t want the night to end.

If I could go back and relive my prom, this is how I’d want it to be. Of course, things don’t always work out the way you want them to. I wouldn’t say I had a terrible experience, but I definitely think it could have been a lot better. However, instead of choosing to make the most out of my situation, I wallowed in my own “misery.”

Let’s rewind to junior year. Now, at my school, we have two proms…one during junior year and one during senior year. So junior prom was okay. However, I guess you could say I had expectations. It was during my junior year when I got into my first relationship and I remember feeling so excited because I thought I finally had someone who’d do all the cute couple-y things with me, including going to prom. However, we broke up a few months before so I was to fly solo for this one. I ended up going with a group of friends, but they weren’t people I was super close with. Heck, I didn’t even know a couple of them…they went to a different school but apparently other people in the group knew them and asked them to come. I bought this really nice dress, it was floor-length, a blue ombre design, and it sparkled. It looked like your “stereotypical” prom dress. I didn’t get my hair or nails done because I figured they weren’t that important.

My ex ended up not going to prom…it’s not really his thing, which I was kind of thankful for because I think if I had to see him there, it would have made things a lot more difficult for me. But that’s not to say it wasn’t. Everywhere I looked, it seemed as though everyone was paired up and having a good time. And here I was, standing with a group of people, awkwardly swaying side to side. Not a good time. Looking back, yeah, it’s an experience I’d rather forget because it was anything but picture perfect, but everyone’s experience is different. Everyone has a different opinion.

Fast forward to senior year. Prom season was here and I was actually looking forward to it. I was planning on going with a group, a group of people I was closer to and actually considered good friends. We all pitched in to rent a party bus. It was going to be a good time. I honestly wasn’t expecting to get asked, but I did. I’ll never forget either. So…I’m a band kid…and I’m sure most of you judge us as being the awkward social outcasts of high school. While there may be some truth to that, I don’t think anything will compare to this situation. So I was waiting in the band room and all of a sudden, one of my friends (he was more of an acquaintance) walked up to me and asked if he could speak to me in the hallway). So I followed him and he pulls out this small bouquet of flowers and basically asks me to go to prom with him. It was so awkward though because I could see him shaking and he was looking everywhere and he stumbled through his words. I could see how nervous he was and I felt bad so on impulse, I said no. Looking back, I should have been honest with him because when we got to prom, I had never felt so uncomfortable in my life. I still feel bad even thinking about it all over again because I was the jerk. Anyways, like with my junior prom, I can’t say I had a completely miserable time…the venue was a lot nicer than the previous one and for me, it was nice to be able to spend one last big night with my class before graduation. It was bittersweet I guess.

But yeah, that’s my experience with prom….not the best one, but not the worst either. I always say that I hope that one day I’ll get to relive prom in a different way. I don’t know what that means yet, but I know all it takes is the right guy to show me. I wanted to share this experience with you to let you know that not everyone’s prom experience is like the ones you see in the movies. Oh how we wish though, right? But that’s what makes it unique to my life. It was my experience and I lived through it. It definitely created lasting memories that I don’t think I will ever forget. Everyone’s experience is different, and each one is special, no matter the circumstance.

-beautifuldarkmystery

What was your prom experience like? Was it everything you had hoped for? What were some of the positives and negatives?

i don’t want break to end.

It’s been so nice having a week away from him…not seeing him, not having to deal with the tension between us. I’m not looking forward to that one class we have together for the rest of the semester. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, there’s always going to be that tension there, it’s just inevitable. But, I’m not going to focus on that…or at least try.

There’s only a month and a half left of this semester and then it’s 3 months of summer vacation. There are days I still wish things didn’t turn out this way, but that’s life…there are a lot of those moments. Unfortunately, things don’t always work out according to plan. I would have liked to have ended things on a good note, but that’s not something I can control.

I do hope he’s had a good spring break. He’s probably over this whole thing by now…and here I am, sitting here as each day goes by…my mind always wanders to him…forever in the back of my mind. I know that with time it’ll get easier because it already has! That feeling of shock and being in denial has gone away, now the reality is finally sinking in.

One thing’s for sure…I’m REALLY glad I got to spend some time with two of my high school friends during spring break. Seeing them reminded me that I’ve still got some pretty amazing people in my life…people who’ve continually been there for me and shown me the love and support. We didn’t even have to talk about deep stuff…we just hung out and had a great time. I really miss them. I’ve realized that I’ve pretty much lost most of my friendships from high school and it’s kind of sad. But the ones I still keep in touch with, I know those friendships are real because we don’t have to see or talk to each other every day, but when we hang out, we’re able to pick up right from where we left off and it’s fantastic.

I wonder if he’s been texting this new girl…probably…and it’s sad to think she’s falling for the same words I fell for as we speak. Well, I can say this much…it won’t be long until she begins to see this pattern and then it’s on to the next. I hate to say it, but it’s true. He clearly doesn’t see that there’s something wrong with his behavior, therefore, he’s not going to do anything to change it. He needs to seriously grow up. As much as he wants to be a kid, he’s not one anymore. He’s an adult. It’s time to start taking certain things more seriously. I’m not saying everything has to be serious, but you’ve got to draw a line somewhere.

-beautifuldarkmystery

great night.

It started when my parents and I went out to each dinner. It was for my mom’s belated birthday celebration since we didn’t get the chance to go out on her real birthday. I recognized one of the waitresses because we went to high school together. But she was one of those people that I never really talked to or hung out with. I think we had a couple of classes, but I didn’t think she knew who I was. She wasn’t our waitress, but she did walk by our table and asked us if we needed anything and then she looks at me and says my name. I was completely surprised because I thought this was going to be awkward moments where she didn’t know who I was but weird because I knew who she was. Anyways, we talked for like a minute or so and then she had to help out the other tables. She was a lot friendlier than I remember her, but that’s a good thing. It’s good to see she’s doing well and maybe I’ll see her around.

When I got home, I went on the computer and started watching old videos. All of a sudden my phone buzzed and it was a text message from “Tom.” Tom’s my crush for those of you who don’t know. He basically said he was thinking about me and we started talking for a bit. Then he had to leave because he had plans. Now I’m sitting here trying to stay awake so that we can talk when he’s done, but I don’t even know when that will be. Plus I have orientation tomorrow morning for a volunteer position.

It was great though, for the first time…I began to open up to him and he made me feel better. Still wish we would have been in person when we talked about this because I would have wanted to see his reaction. I mean it’s one thing to type up a response and send it, but it’s another to actually BE THERE in the moment and emotionally connect with each other. I hope we can hang out one of these days…and I mean outside of school, just the two of us. I just want to see what would happen.

-beautifuldarkmystery

old friends, new friends.

I don’t know if any of you guys do this, but do you ever stop and wonder how your life would be different if you hadn’t met someone? That somewhere out there, there’s like a parallel universe…one where you’ve never met this person? It’s crazy to think about because personally, I find that everyone I meet has a purpose…whether it’s that they have really good timing, they’re here to teach me something, or whatever the reason may be. There are definitely a few people I want to address specifically in this post because I truly believe that my life would be completely different today if I had never met them.

Let’s start with my ex. Now, this one’s pretty obvious because OF COURSE things would be different if we had never met. I believe he was put into my life for a reason and though at the time I may not have known that reason, I do now. I think his purpose was to teach me a lesson…a lesson on how to be a good friend. Even though I felt like I was being lied to, I still put myself out there and let him know that I will always be there for him. But sometimes, it’s not something I can control. People grow apart. He taught me that it’s important to be honest in a relationship and that communication is crucial. It may seem obvious but when you’re young and stupid, you don’t necessarily realize it at the time.

Next, I want to talk about my two best friends from high school. One of them is “Nancy” (whom I mentioned in a previous post) and her brother, we’ll call him Max. Max and I met in 6th grade and I thought he was one of the most annoying kids ever. He followed me everywhere, always asked me questions, and was super hyper. However, when we got to high school, he matured a little and we ended up becoming good friends. By senior year we were best friends. Max and Nancy were there for me all throughout high school. They were the ones who helped me when I was going through my first breakup. They got me out of my bad moods by calling me up and getting me out of the house. They always seemed to have this way of showing up when I needed them. I didn’t even have to say anything. It’s like they were psychic or something. Honestly, they were the best friends I could ever have. They showed ME what a good friend encompasses. They saw me at my worst, and celebrated with me at my best. Two people I could completely be myself around and not feel judged.

Finally, I want to talk about “Tom.” As most of you know, this is the guy I like. This is the guy I could be in a potential relationship with in the future. He’s pretty special to me. He came into my life when I really needed a friend. At the time, I was starting to feel detached from most of my high school friends. We were all headed in our own directions…new school, new friends, new everything. Unfortunately, sometimes that means saying goodbye to the old ones. Anyways, being a commuter, I don’t really have that many friends in college, or at least not as much as I would have if I lived on campus. So in the beginning of the year, I was feeling optimistic about the year. It was my chance to start fresh (because the year before was terrible, I was going through a lot). Then I find out that my dog is really sick and we need to put her down. I know pets are pretty important and special to us, but this dog was extra special because she grew up with me. I got her when I was in the fourth grade. I was a kid and she was a puppy. She was with me all through my teen and adolescent years until she passed away in October 2011, at the beginning of my second year of college. Tom came into my life right as I was dealing with all of that. The thing is…he didn’t have to say or do anything. Just by having his presence and knowing I had this friend I instantly connected with, that in itself was comforting. I hope that one day I will be able to articulate this to Tom because I want him to know what he’s done for me. Because he’s become a huge part of my life, I can’t even imagine how different it would be if we had never met. The thing is…the class we met in, I almost didn’t sign up for. But at the last minute I did…and that’s how we met. Crazy right? All it takes is one decision. One of two paths. YOU get to choose. I never expected for Tom to mean so much to me in such a short amount of time and vice versa. I’ve never been able to connect with someone so quickly. I actually texted him the other night saying that he means a lot to me and that I wanted him to know that. He said that it made him smile and that I mean a lot to him as well.

Even though I only talked about four people here, EVERYONE I’ve met has impacted my life in some sort of way. But these are the people who’ve meant the most to me so far. These are people who’ve changed me for the better. Though I may not talk to most of them anymore, they’ll always be in my memories and will always hold a special place in my heart. And a part of me would hope that they feel the same way.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Which friends have impacted your life the most? What did you learn?

in a moment.

So I want to say something and I feel like this is a great place to get all of those emotions out. I am going to talk about a sensitive subject in this post, just a heads up. And please, if you’re going to comment on this story, think about what you’re going to say before you publish it (not that I’ve had bad comments, but for the sake of other people who read this). Thank you.

I was having the best day at school until I came home. My mom was in the kitchen and she asked me how my day was and the usual questions. Recently, I had lunch with one of my good friends. I hadn’t seen her in a while and I wanted to hang out and catch up. Out out of the blue, my mom asks, “How’s Nancy doing in school? When you had lunch with her you never really mentioned anything about it.” I told her that Nancy had a rough start to the semester. She was going through some personal things and on top of that she was adjusting to living on her own for the first time.

Then my mom told me the words no one wants to hear at the start of a conversation. She said, “Well, I want to tell you something, but don’t freak out. Remember there are always different ways to think about this.” I told her to get to the point already because now I was really concerned. Basically, I found out that Nancy was put under 48-hour watch. She was contemplating suicide. Now, I’ve known Nancy for about five years now and she’s never seemed to be the type to think about this. In high school she was very outgoing, very friendly with a bubbly personality. She’s very pretty and did well in school. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

My mom said she received a call from my sister, who goes to the same school as Nancy (they’ve known each other since high school too). Basically Nancy went to her RA and her RA directed her to a counselor. They did a psychiatric evaluation and determined that she was suicidal and then she was hospitalized. As much as I wanted to call her up and make sure she was okay, it’s really not my place or any of my business at the moment.

After I received the news, I had a flashback to when Nancy and I went out for lunch over winter break. Of course, my first thought was, what if that was the last time I ever saw her? It’s sad that it took something like this for me to realize…but at any moment, our loved ones can be taken away. I appreciate my friends, but I definitely need to show it more. When was the last time you told someone how lucky you are to have him/her in your life? When was the last time someone said that to you?

I think I’m still trying to process this because I’m still in shock. She’s one of the last people I would expect to have those kinds of thoughts. From what I’ve heard, she’s going to take some time off of school for the rest of the semester. I hope that when things get better I can talk to her because I’ve been through a similar situation. I’ve never contemplated suicide, but I know what it feels like to not have any control over your thoughts…that feeling of being trapped inside your own head. It’s hard to explain unless you’ve experienced it yourself, but it’s not a great feeling. But for right now, she needs to be with her family. She needs to be home.

Though we may not see or talk to each other every day, Nancy was one of those people who helped me get through high school. She was there for me during my bad days and definitely there for my good days. I don’t know what I would do if anything happened to her. Just because we may not be as close as we were three years ago, it doesn’t mean she’s not important to me anymore. I think she’ll always have a place in my heart.

I’ve never had to stop and think twice about how I would really feel if one of my friends was here one moment and gone the next. It’s something we try to not think about, but the truth is…this is life. It’s very fragile. We’re given one life and so we need to tell our loved ones how much they mean to us. It’s something I’m definitely going to work on.

(I apologize if this post seems disjointed. My thoughts were everywhere as I tried to write this and I wrote it in three different sittings.)

-beautifuldarkmystery

picking a college major.

So for this post, I’m interested in breaking down the process of choosing a major in college. As someone who’s been struggling with finding the right field, I hope this will help those of you just entering college who still don’t know what you want to do.

To be honest, I should have been more proactive in high school. I didn’t know where I wanted to go to school or what I wanted to major in…until it was time to begin the application process and I was forced to start choosing places. The universities I chose to apply to, I may have well just picked them out of a hat because I had no clue! I ended up applying to three local universities that were close to home and I got into my “top choice.” I had declared English as my major simply because I loved writing and considered myself a fairly experienced writer since I did well in my English classes and was a staff writer/reporter for my school newspaper.

After my first semester of college, I decided to change my major to film. In high school, I loved putting together music videos with my friends and I loved working with cameras and editing. I took my first Film/TV Production class the following fall term and I’ll admit, it was overwhelming at first. But by the end of the class, I had made new friends who were also in that major and I had learned how the different positions of a TV studio work.

After that semester, things got a little dry, and by that I mean, I took the film history classes and the electronic media classes that are more lecture than hands-on. I was beginning to question if I was in the “right” major or not. I began to lose motivation and confidence, but one of my friends told me to stick it out because the film industry is very broad and there are many different options you can go into with that degree.

At the beginning of this school year (now a third-year student), I saw an educational counselor to get an opinion on what I should I do. She basically said that if I wanted to change majors, I needed to do it now because after you pass a certain number of units, you are locked in that major and can’t switch. They want students to get in and get out. That didn’t help, so I ended up staying with my major.

On top of that, I declared a minor. A minor is not required for my major but A) It looks better to have those two degrees and B) It’ll be a good thing to fall back on if film doesn’t work out for me…or I can marry the two and form my own independent company. Who knows?

To this very day, I am still unsure about whether film is the right field for me. But now I am starting to get into field-specific classes like film management, the business of film, audio production, etc. I hope to take a screenwriting class next semester. Hopefully I’ll begin to figure out what it is I want to do.

Now that I am a little older and a little more mature, I am beginning to be a lot more proactive than I was in high school. I’ve even calculated what it’ll take to get me out of school on time (Not that I don’t want to leave just yet because I actually like college). At my university, they make it practically impossible to graduate within 4 years because students can’t get their classes and there are budget cuts left and right. The likelihood of my graduating by next spring is still pretty slim because that’s only IF I can take summer school and get ALL the classes I need for the next two terms. It’s a huge “What If” game.

So if you’re out there and you feel completely lost, whether you’re in high school or college, don’t stress. You WILL find what works best for you. Sometimes you just need to give it time. Don’t rush into things so quickly like I did. Slow down, breathe, and see what your strengths are. What are you PASSIONATE about? What can you see yourself doing for the rest of your life? I know what it feels like to “fall behind” the rest of the pack. It’s hard to watch your friends move ahead of you, who have everything planned out. Just remember to run your own race. I have to keep telling myself that because I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others, especially when it seems like they have it so much easier than me. But I know, everyone has their own battle they’re fighting. So stay in faith, don’t lose hope, and be PROACTIVE.

-beautifuldarkmystery