i know it’s wrong.

It’s utterly and completely wrong. How can I love and want to be with someone who’s not completely sure how he feels about me…or at least, that’s how it’s coming across. I don’t get it. In a lot of ways, I can do a lot better…no offense to him. Has anyone else been in a situation like this before? What did you do?!

This is someone I’ve had deeply rooted feelings for over the last three years and unfortunately, in my case, they’ve only grown stronger. I say unfortunately because I feel like this relationship is toxic in a lot of ways, yet I continue to subject myself to it, causing unhappiness and a little anxiety if I’m being completely honest. How can I want something so badly that’s so wrong for me at the same time? It makes NO sense to me. I’ve never been in a situation like this before.

To give a brief summary of our history, it goes a little something like this. We met three years ago and had a crush on each other. But because we both are awkward and shy people it took about a year for one of us to finally confess our true feelings. From there, we tried to pursue something more. Unfortunately, he was the one who backed out because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship we had. My heart was broken. About a year later, we tried again…and the same thing happened. He broke my heart a second time. A few months ago, he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, and he was serious this time. We had a relationship that lasted for a grand total of…two months. I blame timing for this one because, yes, we were finally on the same page and things were starting to move forward and going the way we wanted. However, this also had to be the summer I was extremely busy traveling. Therefore, we didn’t have much time to establish anything. By the end of the summer, I was moving and we were both hesitant about doing long distance. Do I believe long distance relationships can work? I do, but only if both people have been together long enough to feel confident in being away from each other for a long period of time. Sadly, that wasn’t the case for us. We were just beginning our relationship. And unfortunately, I was the one who ended it. I didn’t want it to have to be that way, but everything he was saying was giving me doubts and I didn’t want to continue to put myself through that anymore. Now basically, since I’ve moved, we’ve had ups and downs…some days he still talks to me like I’m still his girlfriend, and other days he talks to me like I’m an acquaintance. I don’t understand where he’s coming from. And, not to mention, every time that we’ve seen each other since the break up, we always end up kissing and hugging, and acting like we’re in a relationship again. So obviously, the feelings are still there, I just don’t know what we’re doing. Wow, I know I said I was going to keep it brief. Oops.

Recently, I found out he’s going to be moving closer to me starting January of next year. We’re going to be fifteen minutes away from each other. I know that things happen for a reason, and maybe this is our chance to start over and really develop something. But I’m scared at the same time because I know we’re both going to be working and I just hope he makes the time for me because I’d do it for him. He’s always been someone good with words and by that, I mean he says a lot of things but doesn’t follow through with them.

There have been a lot of red flags but I’ve chosen to ignore them…so I guess I can’t really complain. But I just don’t understand the psychology. How can I love someone who doesn’t make me feel special? How can I love someone who wouldn’t do anything to keep me in his life? How can I love someone who can’t even take me out on a proper date? (Yes, that’s right…we never went out on a single date when we were together). I wish I could get rid of all those feelings and start over, but he has my heart and that frustrates me. I know that a part of me will always love him no matter what, but I definitely feel like I deserve to be treated better than he has been treating me. Well, when we met up a couple of nights ago, I got the feeling he’s still in love with me, but I wasn’t convinced and that’s the thing. And if I tell him this, I already know what he’ll say in response, “Well how can I convince you?” That’s the whole reason we broke up…was because we couldn’t find the solution to our problem. So why get back into something that I know is going to end terribly? It’s because I’m one of those people that doesn’t want to give up. I want to give it another shot, even though I know it’s probably going to end even worse than the first time. Why I choose to put myself through this pain (considering how badly it damaged me the first time), I have no idea. And what does that say about myself and my self worth? It’s kind of sad now that I think about it. I’m basically giving my all to someone who doesn’t deserve it and that’s a huge mistake right there.

He continues to tell me that there’s a place for us in the future, but if that’s going to happen, there needs to be some changes, and I’m not just talking about change from my end of the relationship. He has to recognize what he’s doing wrong and do something about that too, it can’t just be one way. And that’s where it’s going to go wrong. I already know because when we met up face-to-face, I told him that I know there are things about myself that I need to work on, and he didn’t say anything. He just told me, “It would make things a little easier.”

Well, Next year is it. If nothing has changed, I HAVE to move on. I can’t keep giving him more chances. Time’s up. I want to be happy and I want to be with someone who makes me feel happy. And I don’t want to “waste time” on the wrong person. Life’s too short. If things don’t work out this time, I’m going to have to force myself to move on. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.

– beautifuldarkmystery

i just need to do it.

Why is it so hard for me to talk to him? What’s holding me back? I know what it is. My own fears are holding me back. I guess, in my heart there’s an answer I want, but in my head, there’s the answer I’ll get. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m sitting here wondering how he feels about me, when really, all I have to do is ask him. But knowing that the answer is going to be one I don’t want to hear, it sucks. I’ve been talking to friends and they’re all telling me I need to have this conversation with him. I guess that means I should do something, right?

I can’t believe I’ve spent the last two years emotionally invested in someone who doesn’t even care about me as much as I care about him. Or maybe he does, he’s just not as great at expressing it as I am. See, there I go again. I guess, there have been some subtle hints that he may still slightly feel the same way. For instance, the time I drove into the city with two of my guy friends and he made a point of saying that he was jealous that they got to spend time with me. Then there was the time he was hanging out at his friend’s house and he kept saying how much he missed me and how much he wanted me to be there, like it was pretty insistent to the point where it didn’t even sound like him talking. Maybe it wasn’t. O.o Then there’s everything that happened this summer…all the hugging, cuddling, hand-holding, etc. All the late nights, staying up until 3 in the morning texting each other. What does all of THAT mean?

Even though the possibility of him rejecting me is greater than the chance of him feeling the same way, there’s ALWAYS that slim chance that things could go right. Obviously, I won’t know until I have the talk with him. Why do I like to complicate things? I know I’m only hurting myself by doing that…

I KNOW I need to have this conversation with him. I’ve waited and waited for him to say something, and I’ve finally come to a point where I don’t want to wait around, I CAN’T wait around forever. I need closure. Where that will put our friendship, I don’t know. As much as I don’t want this to have an effect on our friendship, I already know it will. I’ve had feelings for so long that it will absolutely crush me to see him with another girl. He’s been such an important part of my life over these last two years, I just wish he wanted this as much as I do. I always seem to be the one who wants it more, the one who invests more…and I am ALWAYS the one who gets hurt in the end. But I am NOT going to continue to sit here and play the victim card. I need to stand up for myself and I need to say something, and when I look at the bigger picture, the truth is, I would much rather say something now and get hurt, than not say anything at all and always wonder “what if.”

This has been the battle in the back of my mind…do I say something and risk our friendship changing, or do I not say anything at all and continue this self-destructive cycle? As much as I want to put others before myself, I need to do this for ME. I need to reevaluate my own level of happiness and whether I’m truly happy. Honestly, it might be best if I’m gone after next semester. It’s not that I don’t necessarily want to get away from him, but I think I need time to detach.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i’m going to get hurt.

Now it’s only a matter of time. I feel like ever since we started school, “Tom’s” been pulling away from me. Perhaps he started hanging out with that other girl again. The conversations we have aren’t the ones we had over the summer. This sucks. I know I’m going to get hurt, I can feel it coming, and the worst part is that it’s too late. There’s nothing I can do to prevent it. It’s inevitable.

He told me he wants to drive up next weekend but I don’t think that’s going to happen. This sucks…how is it that I’ve had feelings for someone for two years who doesn’t have those same feelings back? I can’t fight them. And the thing is…for a second there, I thought he felt the same. So why hold back? Why try to fight it?

This is dangerous. I don’t like being home alone…just me and my thoughts…in nothing but silence. That’s when the wheels start turning and I think and think and think and think.  I don’t know what to do…I think I need to have this talk with him, and better sooner than later.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i complicate things.

So I think it’s safe to say that regardless of whether we end up in a relationship or not, I’m going to get hurt, just because I’ve been emotionally invested in this non-existent relationship for nearly two years. He wants to come over next weekend…I’ve loved all the time we’ve spent together this summer. He’s really made an effort.

However, it also scares me how jealous I get sometimes. I don’t want to be, but I don’t know why I’m so insecure. Maybe it’s because there is a part of me that feels I’m being led on in a sense. I think it’s that part in me that wants to secure this relationship and make it official. I just don’t know what’s holding him back. I have an idea and it’s pretty much the universal reason why guys and girls don’t want to get into a relationship…they don’t want to ruin the friendship that they have. However, I feel like if there’s chemistry there and a deep connection, sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and go for it. For all I know, it could turn out into something great, now that we’re more comfortable around each other. I realize the consequences that comes with dating him, but at this point, I’m willing to take that risk.

I need to talk to him and I need to do it soon. The long nights I spend thinking about what we could be are driving me absolutely insane. I don’t know why I choose to make life so complicated for myself when it doesn’t need to be. But I do fear that bringing this up will bring back that awkwardness and tension that took nearly two years to get over. I don’t even know what I’m doing…

– beautifuldarkmystery

dreading this conversation.

So I visited one of my good friends because he’s kind of going through some stuff and I wanted to be a good friend because he’s always been there for me. Anyways, I told him about my current situation and he said the only way I’ll get the answer I’m looking for is by talking to him (the guy I like). Shocker. It seems to make more sense when someone else says it. But I thought his advice was interesting. He said that by talking to him, I’ll get the answers I’m looking for, though they may not necessarily be the answers I want. He said I need to be blunt and just tell him how I feel. Easier said than done for me.

I don’t want to have this conversation because I don’t want to make things awkward between us. Yet, at the same time, I want to define whatever this is. I know he’s a nice guy, but there are just some instances where it seems like he’s treating me as more than just a friend. I mean, perhaps he’s waiting for me to make the first move since he was the one who did so last time. This meteor is headed to earth and there’s not much time left until it crashes.

-beautifuldarkmystery

one of the best summers ever.

My summer is coming to an end and I must say this has been one of THE best ones yet. I got to see a lot of my friends, make movies with them, and just hang out and have some fun in the sun…not to mention, I got a really nice tan. But I must say out of everything that’s happened, one of my favorites is the fact that he and I have grown a lot closer. He pointed out the other day that we texted each other nearly every single day this summer. I can’t count the number of times we’ve seen each other. Overall, I finally feel like I can be myself around him and feel comfortable enough to make an idiot of myself and not feel embarrassed. For the longest time, I didn’t think we’d ever get to that place, but all I had to do was stop thinking about it and just let it happen.

We were texting each other again last night and he said he was at a friend’s house hanging out. He invited me over, but I said I didn’t want to impose, because I don’t know any of those people, and I didn’t want to be rude. If it was a mutual friend, it would have been a little different. Anyway, he kept saying how he wishes I lived closer to him and how much he wanted me there…he even said he missed me.

The other night, I was out with a couple of mutual friends (we took a spontaneous trip to the city), and I was texting him and he straight up told me that he was a little jealous that they got to hang out with me. He continued to say how he wished he was there with me, that he could watch out for me, that he wanted to make sure I got home safely. All these things are very nice and friendly, but a part of me thinks that there’s a little more behind it. I don’t know though, and I don’t want to begin to over-analyze this. We all know what happens when I do that…

It’s still hard to read the signs. I feel as though a part of him still has feelings for me, but then I also feel another part of him pull back every once in a while. But perhaps I just need to not think so much about it and let it happen if that’s where this is going. I mean, it seemed to work pretty well for our friendship. I’m just worried that the more I invest myself, the more I’m going to get hurt…and if I thought it hurt the first time, I know it’s going to be even worse this time around.

The reality is that I may not be around here in a year. My parents bought a house somewhere else and they eventually want to move there. So it’s difficult to tell what will happen. He said not to remind him though and that he’ll deal with it when the time comes. But basically we sort of made a pact, that we’re going to make this the best year ever, whatever that may be.

I want to hang out with him on Monday because he doesn’t have work and I want to see him one last time before school starts, but I don’t know if it’ll happen or not. I better start lowering my expectations and not build up so much hope.

-beautifuldarkmystery

thoughts.

It’s funny how certain people always have a way of coming back into your life. To be honest, I thought he was going to walk away. I figure he would have thought I was too much to handle or my personality was too strong for his. Like I said, he seems like the type to shut down when things get rough, but he came back. Now, I don’t know what his intentions are now that we had that falling out. I honestly don’t know the reason why he still wants to be friends with me, but I can guess a few.

• Things didn’t work out with the other girl and wants to use me as a rebound
• He wants to make up so it doesn’t have to be so awkward during class for the rest of the semester
• He really misses me and thinks my friendship is worth keeping
• Because we’re similar in terms of certain personality traits, maybe he thinks I can help him with that since I seem to be the more emotionally developed of the two of us

I’m not going to even begin to try and figure out what he wants. I just need to stay cautious, take things slow, and monitor his behavior. I’m still on the fence about this whole thing, but at the end of the day, real friendships are the ones that survive the tests and challenges. Real friendships are the ones where both people think it’s worth saving. I know this one’s worth saving on my end, but we’ll see about him.

And obviously, there’s always going to be a small part of me that likes him. I can’t help it. I’ve accepted the fact he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore, but true feelings never go away. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, because for all I know…he could really turn around and prove me wrong. That would be ideal. I mean, he’s had about a month to think about what he did. I made it very clear to him though…he has A LOT to prove to me. And I’m not putting it all on him. I need to make some compromises as well, one of those being that I have to accept the fact he’s not comfortable talking face-to-face about certain issues and topics. If he prefers to text me, I’ll have to allow him to do that. I think it’s sad that he can’t do that or refuses to learn how, but I mean, I can’t change a person. Accepting their flaws is something that comes with accepting a person for who he/she is.

It sucks to be the person who always strives to look for the best in people, even when they show me otherwise. I want to have hope that he can turn around, but you know what they say…old habits die hard. Once a person is set in their ways, it’s hard to change.

Next week will be interesting, that’s for sure. We’ll see what happens.

-beautifuldarkmystery