we got engaged.

We were at a concert with his sister, my sister, and my dad. The three of them wandered off somewhere so then it was just us. He told me that he hoped that we’d get to do something special together and I said this was something special. He reached for my hand and we sat there continuing to enjoy the concert.

After it was over, we went back to my house and we were just hanging out in my room. I walked over to the window, meanwhile he was preparing to ask the big question. When I turn around, I see him standing there so rigid and serious. I asked him if he was okay and he said yes. And then it happened.

He told me I’ve always been one of the most important people in his life, and that no matter how many challenges we faced over the years, nothing could ever tear us apart. He never lost faith. He always had hope that one day, we would try again and that it would finally feel right and work out the way we wanted it to.

Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a box and I started freaking out (and not in the good way). I put my hands to my face and kept saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, this isn’t happening, this isn’t happening.” And I kept repeating that over and over again. He got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I paused for a moment before saying yes. He put the ring on my finger and we kissed.

That’s when I woke up. I couldn’t believe I had a dream about getting engaged and it felt so real. But who was the guy? Well, none other than my ex, which explains why I was freaking out so much. This was marriage we were talking about here. Was I really ready to make that kind of commitment to someone who put me through so much emotional turmoil? If it never worked out before, what made me think that marriage would solve all those problems? I hope I’m not that stupid in real life.

All that matters is that it was just a dream and it wasn’t real. Phew! 🙂

beautifuldarkmystery

head vs. heart.

It scares me how strong my feelings are for him…but I think it’s for real this time, that we’re going back to being just friends. At the moment, I don’t know that I can. How do I even get over this? How do I push past this and move on? Right now, that seems impossible. I just want to be happy again, and right now, happiness would mean being with him…but I know that’s not going to happen. On top of that, I can’t seem to let go of what’s happened in the past, things that have caused me to have trust issues with him…so even if we were to get back into a relationship, I DON’T know that I’d be happy. It really sucks and I’ve never been in a situation like this. I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m going home for a week and maybe this will be my chance to talk to some of my friends and find comfort. I’ve confided in a couple of people about this, people who I think understand me the best and can sort of advise me through all of this. I know it’s not the end of the world, but it sure feels like it. He’s always been so good with his words, saying exactly what I want to hear, and me, being who I am and the emotional person I am, took every single word to heart and believed all of it. I’m not saying that all of what he was saying was false, but it doesn’t help me now.

Right now, he needs to do what’s best for him, and I need to do what’s best for myself. He shouldn’t have to feel like he has to walk on eggshells whenever he talks to me just because I get super sensitive over stupid things sometimes…but at the same time, he realizes and knows why I get sensitive over all of it…because he knows what he’s done. Unfortunately, I hate to have this type of attitude, but it is what it is. I don’t know what it would take for me to get over the times he hurt me in the past. I don’t know that it would happen again because he’s been the one unsure of his feelings all this time. It’s that hesitancy that makes ME hesitant and that’s no way to start off any relationship. Some may ask, so why give him another chance if it didn’t work out the first two times? Well, to be honest, YES, it would have spared me a whole lot of pain right now if I just said no. But I’m the type of person that would rather go through with it than spend my life wondering “what if?”. When he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, I had a feeling it was going to be different this time. And in some ways, yes it was. I do believe his feelings were real and strong towards me. Do I think he still has some of those feelings? Absolutely. We were both each other’s first real love, so we’ll never forget that.

A few posts back, I mentioned having a strong feeling that we’d end up together again in the future. It was a pretty strong feeling and I’d never felt anything like that before. But now that I’m looking at the bigger picture, the smaller that hope is becoming. I think we were putting too much pressure on ourselves in the first place, and I kind of felt it. I’m sure he did too. So that’s not to say that by taking this pressure away, things can happen more naturally…but based on our history and past experiences, I don’t see us having a successful relationship. So as much as it pains me to say it, we are better off being friends. But I just wish it didn’t have to be this difficult. I’ve never had feelings for anyone the way I have feelings for him. Like I said, it truly scares me. It scares me to lose him to someone else, it scares me that someone else can make him happier. And I don’t know if I can be friends with someone I am in love with…to watch him love someone else, that breaks my heart just thinking about it.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to move on. All I know is that I can’t let what happened happen again. I cannot let this consume me, to the point, where I sit in my room and just think about it. I’ve recognized this about myself and know it’s never good. So I need to try and stay as busy as possible…try to think of happier and more positive things. But I can’t leave myself alone with my thoughts because that’s when I get worked up over nothing. I wish I didn’t feel so much with my heart. I feel like that gets me into trouble a lot of the time. We’ll see what happens. I might see him when I come home and we’ll just see how that goes. I just hope it’s not too awkward.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Can you remember your first love? 

we made it official.

Last night, July 1, 2014, I said yes to being his girlfriend. Doing the whole long distance thing scares me and I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it, but the way I look at it is that it can’t be easy all the time. To me, this will be a real test of our relationship. We’ll see if he steps it up and makes it work, because I know I will. He’s lucky I’m giving him another chance. The way I see it is, yeah, he hurt me in the past, but this time feels different. He really is trying to prove himself and I can tell that he really wants it this time. Don’t let me down…

-beautifuldarkmystery

just about ready, or am i.

My room is packed. It’s finally beginning to sink in. Although my move won’t be very far, it’s still a drastic change for me. At first, I didn’t really know how to feel about all of this…I didn’t want to move. I wanted to stay where my friends are and where my network is. I wanted this summer to enjoy the fact I graduated college and be with the people who made it an unforgettable experience. However, now that I look at it, I NEED this. Whether I want to move or not, it’s time to spread my wings, make mistakes, and learn. I have to trust that my true friends will stay in touch with me and not completely forget about me once I leave. It’s just hard when I’ve said the same thing with my high school friends and I barely talk to them anymore. I want to believe that it’ll be different this time…that these people I’ve worked with and become friends with, I’ll be working with them after college. High school was tough because we were all going our separate ways. I want to believe it’ll be different this time. But I know that if I expect them to make the effort, I have to make the effort as well.

– beautifuldarkmystery

the end is near.

In a week from today, I will be graduating college. It’s so weird to think about and I don’t think I’ve fathomed it yet. I can’t believe how quickly these last four years went. If I thought high school was fast, college’s got nothing on that. As I’m preparing to end my undergraduate journey, I’m left with mixed feelings.

To be completely honest, I still don’t know if film is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. My mom and dad don’t know and my sister doesn’t know. I haven’t really talked to anyone about it because I’m still trying to figure all of it out. I’m torn because on one hand, I try to convince myself that this is my passion because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be putting in the long hours on set and helping out on as many projects as I can. At the same time, as I’m surrounded by people who know what they want to do and are driven and motivated, I feel as though I’m left on the sidelines. I’ve had an awesome time in college, but I don’t know that I ever found my niche, what it is that I really want to do with my degree.

I will be going to get my Masters and even though it “looks better” to have the higher degree, I don’t really want to go. I haven’t told this to my parents either because they’re the ones who “made the decision for me.” I don’t want to disappoint them. I guess I better start being more proactive and really focus on trying to see what I like to do.

And that’s the other thing…I feel like if I have to TRY and search for some aspect of film that interests me, then I feel like this is what I shouldn’t be doing. To me, having a passion doesn’t require the effort of “searching,” it’s there, you just have to mold and craft it. But perhaps I AM getting ahead of myself. Maybe I haven’t “found” my passion yet and the best is yet to come.

I’m sure there are a bunch of other people who know how I’m feeling right now and can relate. So what can I conclude from this post? I have very mixed feelings about graduation. I’m happy because the last four years of hard work are finally paying off. However, at the same time I’m sad…not only because I’m leaving behind some incredibly talented and amazing people, but also because it means I will no longer have school to simply occupy time. I need to figure my life out and I need to find what motivates and inspires me.

I know that I don’t need to have all the answers at this very moment, but some guidance wouldn’t hurt. I’ve always felt a little lost throughout my four years of college, but every time I begin to think like that, again, I always remind myself that if I didn’t love it, I wouldn’t be putting in the long hours being on set. It’s a scary place to be in, but I think that this is pretty normal. I think if I WEREN’T questioning myself, I’d be in a lot of trouble.

– beautifuldarkmystery

i just need to do it.

Why is it so hard for me to talk to him? What’s holding me back? I know what it is. My own fears are holding me back. I guess, in my heart there’s an answer I want, but in my head, there’s the answer I’ll get. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m sitting here wondering how he feels about me, when really, all I have to do is ask him. But knowing that the answer is going to be one I don’t want to hear, it sucks. I’ve been talking to friends and they’re all telling me I need to have this conversation with him. I guess that means I should do something, right?

I can’t believe I’ve spent the last two years emotionally invested in someone who doesn’t even care about me as much as I care about him. Or maybe he does, he’s just not as great at expressing it as I am. See, there I go again. I guess, there have been some subtle hints that he may still slightly feel the same way. For instance, the time I drove into the city with two of my guy friends and he made a point of saying that he was jealous that they got to spend time with me. Then there was the time he was hanging out at his friend’s house and he kept saying how much he missed me and how much he wanted me to be there, like it was pretty insistent to the point where it didn’t even sound like him talking. Maybe it wasn’t. O.o Then there’s everything that happened this summer…all the hugging, cuddling, hand-holding, etc. All the late nights, staying up until 3 in the morning texting each other. What does all of THAT mean?

Even though the possibility of him rejecting me is greater than the chance of him feeling the same way, there’s ALWAYS that slim chance that things could go right. Obviously, I won’t know until I have the talk with him. Why do I like to complicate things? I know I’m only hurting myself by doing that…

I KNOW I need to have this conversation with him. I’ve waited and waited for him to say something, and I’ve finally come to a point where I don’t want to wait around, I CAN’T wait around forever. I need closure. Where that will put our friendship, I don’t know. As much as I don’t want this to have an effect on our friendship, I already know it will. I’ve had feelings for so long that it will absolutely crush me to see him with another girl. He’s been such an important part of my life over these last two years, I just wish he wanted this as much as I do. I always seem to be the one who wants it more, the one who invests more…and I am ALWAYS the one who gets hurt in the end. But I am NOT going to continue to sit here and play the victim card. I need to stand up for myself and I need to say something, and when I look at the bigger picture, the truth is, I would much rather say something now and get hurt, than not say anything at all and always wonder “what if.”

This has been the battle in the back of my mind…do I say something and risk our friendship changing, or do I not say anything at all and continue this self-destructive cycle? As much as I want to put others before myself, I need to do this for ME. I need to reevaluate my own level of happiness and whether I’m truly happy. Honestly, it might be best if I’m gone after next semester. It’s not that I don’t necessarily want to get away from him, but I think I need time to detach.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i’m going to get hurt.

Now it’s only a matter of time. I feel like ever since we started school, “Tom’s” been pulling away from me. Perhaps he started hanging out with that other girl again. The conversations we have aren’t the ones we had over the summer. This sucks. I know I’m going to get hurt, I can feel it coming, and the worst part is that it’s too late. There’s nothing I can do to prevent it. It’s inevitable.

He told me he wants to drive up next weekend but I don’t think that’s going to happen. This sucks…how is it that I’ve had feelings for someone for two years who doesn’t have those same feelings back? I can’t fight them. And the thing is…for a second there, I thought he felt the same. So why hold back? Why try to fight it?

This is dangerous. I don’t like being home alone…just me and my thoughts…in nothing but silence. That’s when the wheels start turning and I think and think and think and think.  I don’t know what to do…I think I need to have this talk with him, and better sooner than later.

-beautifuldarkmystery

in a moment.

So I want to say something and I feel like this is a great place to get all of those emotions out. I am going to talk about a sensitive subject in this post, just a heads up. And please, if you’re going to comment on this story, think about what you’re going to say before you publish it (not that I’ve had bad comments, but for the sake of other people who read this). Thank you.

I was having the best day at school until I came home. My mom was in the kitchen and she asked me how my day was and the usual questions. Recently, I had lunch with one of my good friends. I hadn’t seen her in a while and I wanted to hang out and catch up. Out out of the blue, my mom asks, “How’s Nancy doing in school? When you had lunch with her you never really mentioned anything about it.” I told her that Nancy had a rough start to the semester. She was going through some personal things and on top of that she was adjusting to living on her own for the first time.

Then my mom told me the words no one wants to hear at the start of a conversation. She said, “Well, I want to tell you something, but don’t freak out. Remember there are always different ways to think about this.” I told her to get to the point already because now I was really concerned. Basically, I found out that Nancy was put under 48-hour watch. She was contemplating suicide. Now, I’ve known Nancy for about five years now and she’s never seemed to be the type to think about this. In high school she was very outgoing, very friendly with a bubbly personality. She’s very pretty and did well in school. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

My mom said she received a call from my sister, who goes to the same school as Nancy (they’ve known each other since high school too). Basically Nancy went to her RA and her RA directed her to a counselor. They did a psychiatric evaluation and determined that she was suicidal and then she was hospitalized. As much as I wanted to call her up and make sure she was okay, it’s really not my place or any of my business at the moment.

After I received the news, I had a flashback to when Nancy and I went out for lunch over winter break. Of course, my first thought was, what if that was the last time I ever saw her? It’s sad that it took something like this for me to realize…but at any moment, our loved ones can be taken away. I appreciate my friends, but I definitely need to show it more. When was the last time you told someone how lucky you are to have him/her in your life? When was the last time someone said that to you?

I think I’m still trying to process this because I’m still in shock. She’s one of the last people I would expect to have those kinds of thoughts. From what I’ve heard, she’s going to take some time off of school for the rest of the semester. I hope that when things get better I can talk to her because I’ve been through a similar situation. I’ve never contemplated suicide, but I know what it feels like to not have any control over your thoughts…that feeling of being trapped inside your own head. It’s hard to explain unless you’ve experienced it yourself, but it’s not a great feeling. But for right now, she needs to be with her family. She needs to be home.

Though we may not see or talk to each other every day, Nancy was one of those people who helped me get through high school. She was there for me during my bad days and definitely there for my good days. I don’t know what I would do if anything happened to her. Just because we may not be as close as we were three years ago, it doesn’t mean she’s not important to me anymore. I think she’ll always have a place in my heart.

I’ve never had to stop and think twice about how I would really feel if one of my friends was here one moment and gone the next. It’s something we try to not think about, but the truth is…this is life. It’s very fragile. We’re given one life and so we need to tell our loved ones how much they mean to us. It’s something I’m definitely going to work on.

(I apologize if this post seems disjointed. My thoughts were everywhere as I tried to write this and I wrote it in three different sittings.)

-beautifuldarkmystery