no more regrets.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been back home visiting my parents. Feeling frustrated with no leads for jobs, I decided to enlist their help because obviously, there’s something I’m not doing right. They took a look at my resume and helped me polish it, as well as help me with interview role play.

They bought me an interview handbook filled with various types of questions one could be asked during a job interview. One of them stood out to me in particular…

“If you could start college all over again what would you do differently?”

According to the guide, the best way to answer that question is to say that you wouldn’t change a thing. Saying you have no regrets shows the interviewer that you’re sure of yourself when making a commitment.

For me personally, this is something I’ve been struggling with since I left college? Did I make the right choices? Would I have been more successful if I had chosen a different major? Honestly, none of this even matters because I’ll never know anyway. So what’s the point?

I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before, but there have been many times I’ve regretted the choices I made in school. I thought that my major wasn’t something I was truly passionate about…that I chose it just to choose something and have a path.

But something in the last two weeks has changed that thought process. If I could start college all over again, I wouldn’t do anything differently. I wouldn’t have met the people I did, I wouldn’t have formed the friendships that I did. I still graduated with honors, so what more could I have asked for?

The truth is that everyone, at some point, goes through that period of uncertainty…where they don’t know what they want to do in life. Maybe they’re at a crossroads and don’t know where to go next. Maybe they want a career change. We don’t go through life knowing exactly what we want every single day because life is constantly changing. The future is unknown. You can set long-term goals, but those could change. I’m not saying don’t plan, because ambition is a great thing. My point is that we all feel lost at some point in our lives, whether we’re 25 or 45.

I have to believe that I’m going to be okay. I’ve wasted so many nights having mental breakdowns because I don’t know what to do and I’m tired and done with feeling frustrated. Having my parents help me did give me a little more confidence. When I go back home, I know exactly what I need to do, and all I can do is hope that something will work out. It may not be my “dream job,” but at this point, I just need something to get myself on my feet.

Without pain or suffering, we cannot appreciate happiness. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. It just depends on how you look at the situation. I am thankful to my parents for providing me with an opportunity to get a college education. That within itself is a fortune. I’m thankful for the sacrifices they’ve made so that I can have a better life than they did. Now it’s time to show them my gratitude. No more wasting time and energy on petty things. I am stronger than this and I will find my way. And one day, I’ll be able to look back on these struggles and growing pains and count my blessings. Everything happens for a reason, even when we’re not entirely sure of that reason.

beautifuldarkmystery

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proceed with caution.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss him anymore. The truth is that I will always miss him, what we had, what we were…but it doesn’t necessarily mean I want any of it back. Learning to distinguish between the two has been the most difficult part of the process for me. For the longest time, I didn’t know if it was him I wanted or the memories.

There’s still not a day that goes by that I don’t think about him and wonder how he’s doing. There’s a part of me that wonders if he feels the same. We haven’t talked or interacted at all since we met up a couple of months ago. Like I’ve said in previous posts, I don’t know why he wanted to reconnect and maybe that’s not for me to know or understand.

For the last four and a half years that I’ve know him, he is the one person who’s always found his way back into my life. It didn’t matter how many times I cut him out or said I needed space. I thought 2015 was it…everything was done and we were never going to speak to each other again. And just when I think I’ll never hear from him again, he pops back into my life. I guess life will always work in mysterious ways, and the people who are meant to be in your life will always be there.

I don’t know what the future holds for us. I don’t ever expect us to get back together again. I don’t even expect us to be close friends again. With everything that’s happened, there’s just no way. But I still find it funny that out of everyone I became friends with in college, the one person I had the most dysfunctional friendship/relationship with was the one who ended up moving near me. Weird how life works, right?

I firmly believe that whatever’s meant to happen will happen. Who knows? Maybe next year, we’ll rekindle our friendship again and actually be okay and be able to tolerate being around each other without feelings getting in the way or ruining things. That’s the thing about the future…you just never know. Just like I was 99% sure I would never see or speak to him ever again, there’s always that 1%.

I feel like I’m finally at that place where we can be friends again if time and life allow it. I will never close the door to our friendship, but I will always proceed with caution. There’s a saying, “Don’t run back to what broke you.” I know I need to be careful. There’s no way I’ll allow myself to retreat back to that dark place after we broke up. The most beautiful thing that can ever come from a break up is that you learn more about yourself. What you did right, what you did wrong, what you want in a relationship and what you don’t want, what you’ll compromise and where you’ll draw the line.

We may have only dated for two months, but it was two and a half years in the making. The feelings were there and we both knew it. But it doesn’t matter how long it lasted. I would have much rather gotten out sooner rather than later if I strongly felt like we weren’t going to make it. Does it suck that I didn’t have much trust and faith in the relationship from the beginning? Of course it does. But I would have rather known than to continue living life always wondering what could have been, especially since this relationship was the one thing I wanted most at the time.

I’m glad I can look back on how far I’ve come and know that I am okay. There are no more feelings of anger or resentment…..regret, especially. Everything happens for a reason. It’ll be interesting to see what the future has in store for us. Whether we ever rekindle our friendship or continue living life as nothing more than acquaintances. One of the weirdest parts about this journey has been that transition to being “strangers” again. When we hung out last month, I literally felt like I was sitting across from someone I didn’t know. It was awkward like the first-time-meeting kind of awkward. Yet, we share this past that cannot be erased, no matter how hard he or I try to block those memories out of our minds. Simply put, we’re strangers with history. And I’m okay with that.

If there’s anything I would want him to know, it’s that no matter what’s happened between us in the past and no matter where we stand today, if he ever truly needed a friend, I will always be there for him. I know I’m probably not the first person he would run to, but I will always be a friend. Last August we had a brief conversation through text and he said there were moments he was struggling and having a difficult time and wanted to reach out to me. I never said this to him, but it was nice to hear. To know that he still needed me and wanted that friendship meant something to me.

But anyway, I’ve gone on long enough. I’ll end with this. I firmly believe that you meet people for a reason, and the ones who are meant to be in your life will always find their way back, no matter how far they wander. It’ll be interesting to see where life takes us a year from now, five years from now…but you can guarantee I’ll have something to say about it when the time comes.

beautifuldarkmystery

we don’t always get the closure we want.

Wow, I haven’t written anything here in a while. That’s partly because the last couple of months have been a bit busier for me. I wish I could sit here and say my life’s been full of exciting events that I’m dying to talk about, but that’s not the case. Although, something did happen last month that I’d like to reflect on.

So last month, I made the bold move of sending him an e-mail. At that point, it had been nearly six months since we spoke to each other and I just wanted to clear the air. I put a lot of thought into it. I spoke right from the heart because I wanted to know that, if this was our last exchange, that I got everything I needed to say off my chest and I can let it be. I’ve always been the type of person who searches for closure in any situation. Sadly, as I’m growing older, I’m learning that you don’t always get the closure you want.

It took him a few days to respond. Of course, when I wrote it, I had to tell myself that he wasn’t going to respond. As much as I wanted him to acknowledge I reached out to him, why would he? I was the one who cut him off. I was the one who decided to stop talking to him. I was the one who cut the strings. So he doesn’t owe me anything. Yet, I felt like I owed HIM something, which is also not quite right.

But anyway, I don’t know why I was expecting this heartfelt response, but when I read what he wrote, I was a little hurt, but not enough to put me in a tailspin. However, I would have rather him not reply at all than get the response I did. And THAT’S the moment when I knew that I’d done everything I could. This friendship could not be saved. We’re both at that point where we’ve just given up on each other…not because we want to, but because we have to. Even if this were to continue, it’d be toxic for the both of us.

So from that point on, I decided I was not going to tamper with this anymore. It’s better to let it be and let bygones be bygones. I don’t hold grudges. I’m not mad anymore. I can’t be disappointed anymore. It’s time to move on. I’ve spent more than enough time trying to hold on to something that was gone a long time ago. I’m a stubborn person, and as much as I felt like I gave up on him, obviously there was always a part of me that was still trying and willing to turn this around.

At some point in your life, you have to learn that people will never change. They’ll never be the version you want them to be. Sometimes, you have to pick up the pieces on your own and carry yourself through the pain. But no matter what happens, you have to realize that you’re not the bad guy. It takes two people to get to a place like this. As much as I took the blame, I have to tell myself that this wasn’t entirely my fault. But I’m not here to point fingers. I’ve accepted my wrongdoings, I’ve apologized for them, and now it’s time to move on…once and for all.

The worst part is that it’s always going to hurt a little. It’s going to hurt because I care. Sometimes I hate that I care so much, but there’s someone out there for all of us. It might take a little while until we find that person, but when we do, it’ll be worth it. Every heartbreak. Every ounce of pain we’ve ever endured. None of that will matter anymore once we find our other half.

– beautifuldarkmystery

hold on to that feeling.

You know that feeling you sometimes get when you just know that everything is going to be okay? I wish I could hold on to that feeling. I wish it never went away. I’ve been doing better for the most part…aside from the occasional slips and I fall back into those ruts.

I think the most important thing to focus on right now is how far I’ve gotten. This has been one roller coaster of a journey and sometimes, I can’t help but sit and think that this was a lot more difficult than it needed to be. Sometimes, I reflect on the decisions I’ve made and how I’ve handled certain situations and I wonder if maybe I did over-react or maybe I could have handled it differently. But there I go again…thinking about the past when clearly, there’s nothing I can do to change it. So why bother???

The fact that I still continue to try and justify my actions and choices makes me a little sad. I shouldn’t have to feel like I have to explain myself to anyone. I often wonder what he’s thinking…if he thinks I just simply gave up just because we’re not talking anymore…especially when I said I’d always be there for him and that I wasn’t going anywhere. Well, to be honest, I think we were both a little naive. I had to make the decisions I made in order to be happy again. I wasn’t happy with the way things were going. I wasn’t happy with the way I was being treated. There’s a difference between giving up and knowing when you’ve had enough. I’m a pretty tolerant person and it takes a lot for me to walk away, especially when I’ve fought so hard and so long for something/someone.

I need to stop worrying about what he’s thinking. His opinion of me shouldn’t matter. Right now, I need to focus on myself and focus on the people I still DO have…the people who genuinely care about my well-being and want to see my happy. I need to get rid of any toxins….any negative energy and give myself a chance to breathe and recollect.

to be honest, I don’t know if we’ll ever be friends again. As much as I want to, I have to think how having him back in my life would affect me…and after everything I went through with him, I don’t want to put myself through any of that all over again…especially when it’s taken me this long to make any sort of progress.

I know it sounds like all I’m doing is complaining, but I’m just trying to think out loud. My natural tendency is to overthink a lot of things…if only all of this was as easy as the flip of a switch, right?

-beautifuldarkmystery

do it for you and not anyone else.

The older I get, the more I’m learning about myself. But that’s how it’s supposed to go, right? Well, right now I’m in a situation where I don’t really know what I want to do with my life or what direction I want to go. I thought I did, but I’m lacking that fire, the passion that everyone around me has.

I recently applied for a job that I really want. I have not heard back from them yet, but if I do hear from them, it should be some time soon. The weird thing is that I haven’t wanted something so badly in such a long time. I kind of put all my eggs in one basket with this because I have not been looking at other jobs, I haven’t applied anywhere else. I know it’s crazy, but I want to hear from them first.

One of the main reasons why I want this job is because I want to push myself. I’ve always been a quiet and passive person, and I’ve heard that those qualities are ones you’re born with and can’t change, but I believe I can. By no means is it going to be easy…because what may come easily to others does not come as easily to me…but I know that if I really push myself outside my comfort zone, I can achieve what I consider impossible.

It’s one thing I’ve learned from past internships. I’ve surprised myself and done things I never thought I could do. It’s all about how much you want it and how far you’re willing to push yourself. It was very uncomfortable for me…something as easy as talking over a walkie to yelling and being loud (something I’m definitely not used to), but I did it enough times and it became comfortable. With practice, I felt more and more confident.

I’ve always been the type of person to believe when someone tells me I can’t do something. It’s a terrible mindset to have and I know I’ll never achieve anything with that kind of attitude. But as I’m growing older, I’m learning that, it’s more important to do it for yourself and not anyone else. I don’t owe anyone anything. If I want to push myself and I want to reach a certain goal, I have to do it because I WANT it.

I know it seems like common sense, but this is yet another one of those lessons that’s taking time and I’m going through it right now. I don’t think I’ll end up where I currently am. I don’t think this is my calling or what I’m meant to do. People may ask me, “Well, then what would you want to do?” I don’t know the answer. As frustrating as it is, I have to remind myself that it’s okay that I don’t have all of the answers. Things will happen for me when they are supposed to happen and if this job opportunity works out, then great. If not, then it’s not meant to be.

All I know is that I haven’t felt this passionate about something in a long time. I haven’t wanted something so badly in a long time. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I don’t want to lose hope either. Until then, I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

-beautifuldarkmystery

it’s for the best.

Things are going great…and even though I’m sad that he’s not a part of my life anymore, I know that this is for the best. I need to learn to focus on the positive and not so much on the negative. I’m not saying avoid them completely…but more like, acknowledge that they’re there, but don’t dwell on them.

The hardest part is waiting for that right person to come along who will change your life forever. I hope it’ll be worth the wait…because I feel like I deserve to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.

strangers, again.

It’s funny how two friends can become strangers again. Someone you once knew so well, or, at least, you thought you did…is now just a name and face. I never thought that was possible, until I experienced it.

Yes, there are times I find myself wondering how he’s doing, if he’s happy. It seems like it. But sometimes, I want to know what he’s really thinking. We both know he’s always been good at putting on a facade, acting like everything’s okay. Well, regardless, I hope he’s happy.

I wish I could be a part of that happiness. I wish I could be a part of his present. But now he’s a part of my past. This is a time when we’re both experiencing important milestones in our lives and there are moments when I wish I could just share all of that with him. But then I remember our situation. I wish I didn’t have to be so extreme. I wish I didn’t have to cut him out of my life and that we could still be friends right now. But if I want ANY chance of moving on and being happy again, this is what I have to do.

It feels like I am mourning the death of a friend. There’s an emptiness inside of me, a void that cannot be filled. I miss having that one person I shared everything with. The one person I had some of the best memories with. Three years of it and now it’s gone, just like that.

It hurts, but I do the best I can. And I know that with each passing day, it will get better. But I will never be whole again. He has a piece of my heart I will never get back.

– beautifuldarkmystery