the big “L”.

So since Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, I thought this topic would be very appropriate. Love is a very abstract concept, as we all know. It comes in different forms and each type of love we feel is different. It’s like that saying goes, “You never experience the same love twice.” I think that’s pretty accurate.

How do you know when you love someone? I’m asking all of you because I’m not sure that I’ve ever experienced it. I mean, I know the love from my family, but that’s a little different. I’m talking about relationships. Your boyfriend. Your girlfriend. When I was in my first relationship, we used that word so loosely and we never even said it to each other’s faces. Looking back on it, we both realized that we did love each other, it just wasn’t in the way I wanted it. At the time, I thought I loved him romantically. But now that it’s in the past, whenever I reflect on it, I think that when I said I loved him, I meant it as a friend. I wanted him to be happy, regardless if I was in the picture or not and to be honest, I still feel that way. I really do wish him the best and hope life’s treating him well.

Now I’ve got this new guy. We’re technically not in a relationship, but sometimes we act like it. I think labels scare him, so that’s why we’re taking it slow and just seeing where this goes. Some of you have directly told me that I love him…from the things I’ve written, the feelings I’ve expressed, etc. The truth is, I don’t know that I love him in that sense. I want to, but I don’t want to tell him that I love him until I actually mean it. To me, I’d rather hear those words once from someone and have him mean it, rather than say it a bunch of times and not really mean it…just saying it because it’s what I want to hear.

I’ve never told a guy I love him face to face. I’ve never expressed that kind of emotion towards a guy so I’m not sure what to expect. But I’ve always heard that you’ll know when you’re in love. I hope that’s the case. However, with that comes a fear…if it took me a long time to get over a relationship that shouldn’t have even been considered one, it makes me wonder how I will handle myself in this next relationship…new guy, new feelings, new chances. I know that with every relationship, pain is inevitable, but it scares me. I know I shouldn’t be, but no likes to have a fear of the unknown.

One thing I AM sure of is that I really like him. He’s literally the first person I think about when I wake up, and the last person I think about before I go to sleep (as a matter of fact, I had a dream last night and he was in it). I care about him a lot. It’s just a matter of time until something happens. I know I’m beginning to sound like a broken record repeating that over and over again. But he’s something special. I am so lucky and blessed to have him in my life and although we may not be in a relationship, he’s my best friend, I can tell him anything, I trust him, and I really like him. The more I’m around him, the more comfortable I’m beginning to feel (like I can be myself). My mind has never been so consumed with thoughts about just one person before, so I think that says a lot. I would hope he feels the same way, but I can only speak for myself.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Have you ever been in love? What did it feel like? Do you think the word “love” is used too loosely in relationships and the dating world?

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text messages & sweet gestures.

So we’ve been texting a lot the last couple of days…like more than we usually do. Sometimes it’s flirty (it’s way easier for both of us to flirt through text than in person). On Sunday night I stayed up until 1AM (so I guess Monday too technically) texting him…I had to wake up at 5. So yeah, that goes to show you’d rather lose sleep than not talk to the person you like.

While we were talking Sunday night, he asked me if I wanted to read one of his comic books. Because this is a huge part of his life, I wanted to see what this was all about. Apparently it meant a lot more to him than I realized. On Monday during our class together, he let me borrow one of his favorites and I read it during my break in the library. Later that night when we were texting, he told me that he was reading the same book and the fact that I had read the same thing earlier made him really happy. I thought that was really sweet because I didn’t know how much it was going to mean to him.

Today I only had one class and went to my “office assistant / TA” position after that. To my surprise, when I left her office to go do something, I saw him standing there in the hallway. I walked up to him and gave him a huge hug and he hugged me back tighter. I asked him what he was doing here and he said he stopped by to see me. I thought it was really sweet.

After I got home, I got a text from him asking if I was still on campus, but I told him I left. He asked me because he wanted to say bye to me in person. He had a class while I was working but I ran into him a couple of times. Man, he sure is saying and doing all the right things.

We’re like so close, but yet so far away I feel. We could be in a relationship if someone makes the first move, but I don’t want to rush things if it’s not meant to happen. And like I said, I don’t have any expectations for Valentine’s Day but the fact that we’ve been talking and texting each other more than usual this week, it only makes things a little harder. He sure is making this more difficult for me.

-beautifuldarkmystery

great night.

It started when my parents and I went out to each dinner. It was for my mom’s belated birthday celebration since we didn’t get the chance to go out on her real birthday. I recognized one of the waitresses because we went to high school together. But she was one of those people that I never really talked to or hung out with. I think we had a couple of classes, but I didn’t think she knew who I was. She wasn’t our waitress, but she did walk by our table and asked us if we needed anything and then she looks at me and says my name. I was completely surprised because I thought this was going to be awkward moments where she didn’t know who I was but weird because I knew who she was. Anyways, we talked for like a minute or so and then she had to help out the other tables. She was a lot friendlier than I remember her, but that’s a good thing. It’s good to see she’s doing well and maybe I’ll see her around.

When I got home, I went on the computer and started watching old videos. All of a sudden my phone buzzed and it was a text message from “Tom.” Tom’s my crush for those of you who don’t know. He basically said he was thinking about me and we started talking for a bit. Then he had to leave because he had plans. Now I’m sitting here trying to stay awake so that we can talk when he’s done, but I don’t even know when that will be. Plus I have orientation tomorrow morning for a volunteer position.

It was great though, for the first time…I began to open up to him and he made me feel better. Still wish we would have been in person when we talked about this because I would have wanted to see his reaction. I mean it’s one thing to type up a response and send it, but it’s another to actually BE THERE in the moment and emotionally connect with each other. I hope we can hang out one of these days…and I mean outside of school, just the two of us. I just want to see what would happen.

-beautifuldarkmystery

skinny love.

Okay, so I’ve seen this term everywhere. I was scrolling through my dashboard on Tumblr and saw a picture with “skinny love
on it. So finally, I decided to do a Google search for a definition. According to Urban Dictionary, skinny love is when two people love each other but are too shy to admit it but they still show it. I still can’t get over when he said it the other day, “You know I love you.”  Yeah, I know it was in a friendly way and we were joking around, but I loved hearing that.

Anyways, I couldn’t help but relate this to my situation because I feel that this is where I’m headed with this guy, which I don’t really mind. I’d rather hear him say it once (even if it takes a long time) and mean it than to hear it from him a hundred times that it almost loses its meaning. We’re both shy people when it comes to relationships. Neither of us wants to be the first to say something or make a move. Yeah, that’ll complicate things for us, but I’m willing to stick with him and see where things go. Maybe I’ll work up the courage to put myself out there more. Who knows?

I know that the quickest way to disappointment is to allow your happiness to depend on another person, but I can’t help it. He makes me happy. The more I’m around him, the more comfortable I feel being myself…like I don’t have to hide anything and I would hope he feels the same way. Man, I care about this guy A LOT…more than I probably think. I’ve just never met someone I’ve connected with so easily and so fast. It’s like we’re so similar in a lot of ways that it’s almost creepy…and somehow our paths ended up crossing, we met, and became friends. It’s been a while since I’ve had someone in my life I could be myself around. I tend to be more of an introverted person, but he’s slowly breaking down my walls. In fact, we’re slowly approaching that place where I feel I can begin to share more personal stories…you know, more deeper-level surface stuff instead of just talking about friends and school…things you don’t tell acquaintances.

This guy…you all are going to get sick of hearing me talk about him, so I apologize in advance. But to tell you the truth, he’s the first guy I’ve been able to like since my last relationship. It’s probably not that big of a deal to anyone, but to me it kind of is. I’ll try not to talk about it as much, but if something does happen, it’s guaranteed there will be a post about it.

-beautifuldarkmystery

under his spell.

Today is Wednesday, which means I had my class with him. We’re going to work on a group project together which is great, because I’m looking forward to spending more time with him. As soon as I left class and got to the library to begin my 3-hour break, he texted me and asked if I was free because he got out of class early. I don’t know if I’m overanalyzing this, but I’m pretty sure that means I was the first person he thought about because obviously he wanted to see me. When I asked him why his class got out so early, he said it was because they were supposed to be working on a group project. So he left and came to see me. I don’t think that’s a very good thing, but these are definitely actions and he’s showing me that he likes me…which is good!

So he hung out with me for a little bit today, which made me really happy. Now I can’t even concentrate on any of my homework because all I’m thinking about is him. Boys…why do they do this to us. The conversation we had wasn’t awkward like it has been, which is good. We’re becoming more comfortable around each other. He came up from behind me and gave me a hug, which made me smile. We joked around, he made fun of me as usual. At one point he hugged me and said, “You know I love you.” I know this wasn’t meant in a romantic sense, but I don’t know…to hear the words come out of his mouth made me feel special. I’ve never heard those words from a guy’s mouth, let alone have it be directed at me…even if in a friendly way. To be honest, I don’t know that I love him in a romantic way yet. It’s hard to tell. I feel like the word is used so loosely so I want to be careful. I’ve heard that you KNOW when you’re in love. I guess because I’ve never experienced it before, I’m not sure what it will feel like or how I will know. It’s a little far-fetched at the moment, but just maybe he’ll be that person I say “I love you” to. But if so, that’ll be a while from now.

He sat really close to me, so I tried to sit closer to him. It wasn’t awkward at all. I think we just need to let things happen naturally. As stupid and obvious as it seems. We were the most comfortable we’ve been around each other and we didn’t say anything about relationships or dating. This will be an interesting journey, but I’m along for the ride.

I don’t know. I feel like I’m beginning to open up to him. Eventually I want to be able to share parts of my life with him. And of course, I want to know about him. I want him to be able to share things with me as well. I really like him. I really do. I hate feeling this way in a sense because it’s like I’m under this spell. I try not to allow people to have control over me, but he’s one of those people. I’m starting to fall…

-beautifuldarkmystery

Have you ever been in love? If so, what was it like?

thoughts for the day.

So I’m sitting in the library right now…I have a 6 hour break, three hours are down, three more to go. It sucks when you don’t get priority registration or the classes you need are only offered at certain times. Anyways, that’s not why I wanted to write this post. I figured, since I have the time, I can do a little self reflection.

So basically, as far as my crush goes…I’ve actually kind of settled down for the time being. Over winter break I was obsessing over not seeing him and as crazy as it seems, 5 weeks DID make me crazy. I missed him so much and I know that if we really wanted to, we could have gotten together over break. I brought it up a couple of times but no one made the effort. I just feel bad because we live about two hours apart from each other and I don’t want to make him drive all the way to where I live just to see me. Then again, if he really likes me, he would do it anyway, right? Ugh, I suck at this sometimes.

Anyways, like I was saying…I saw him this morning in our class and we didn’t really talk all that much. It sucks because on Mondays he doesn’t have any breaks and so I only see him for that hour and 15 minutes and then we go our separate ways. But it’s weird…I feel so hot and cold with him. Like…one day I’ll really think about him and picture how things would be if we were in a relationship. Then there are other days where I just don’t see anything happening. I don’t know if it’s from a lack of “experience” in the dating world or what. But it sure gets a little confusing sometimes.

I think I’m just going to leave it alone for now…or at least until I can work up the courage and just say how I feel. THAT would be a HUGE step for me in terms of anything really. But until then, why worry about it…

I feel so paranoid typing this up in the library because I’m afraid someone’s going to just look over my shoulder and read everything. *dies* (not really). So yeah, that’s pretty much where I’m at now. Hopefully I’ll be able to get more in-depth posts but for now, I’ll keep it short and sweet. Hope everyone’s having a great Monday!

-beautifuldarkmystery

what does it mean?

So today was the first day of the semester and I had a really weird thing happen to me. I was really anxious to see “Tom” because I hadn’t seen him in a month. I was sitting in the library trying to kill time and all of a sudden my stomach started feeling weird…almost like it was doing flips. It was almost nauseating. I felt sick. I don’t know if it was because I was excited/nervous…but I’ve never had that happen to me before. I’ve never felt like THAT nervous/anxious about seeing someone ever. Even as I was walking down the library steps, I felt my knees shake a little and I could barely walk down the steps. I thought, what the heck is happening to me? Why did this happen? Is my body trying to tell me something? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

-beautifuldarkmystery

Has a guy/girl ever made you feel like this? What was that experience like for you?