the big “L”.

So since Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, I thought this topic would be very appropriate. Love is a very abstract concept, as we all know. It comes in different forms and each type of love we feel is different. It’s like that saying goes, “You never experience the same love twice.” I think that’s pretty accurate.

How do you know when you love someone? I’m asking all of you because I’m not sure that I’ve ever experienced it. I mean, I know the love from my family, but that’s a little different. I’m talking about relationships. Your boyfriend. Your girlfriend. When I was in my first relationship, we used that word so loosely and we never even said it to each other’s faces. Looking back on it, we both realized that we did love each other, it just wasn’t in the way I wanted it. At the time, I thought I loved him romantically. But now that it’s in the past, whenever I reflect on it, I think that when I said I loved him, I meant it as a friend. I wanted him to be happy, regardless if I was in the picture or not and to be honest, I still feel that way. I really do wish him the best and hope life’s treating him well.

Now I’ve got this new guy. We’re technically not in a relationship, but sometimes we act like it. I think labels scare him, so that’s why we’re taking it slow and just seeing where this goes. Some of you have directly told me that I love him…from the things I’ve written, the feelings I’ve expressed, etc. The truth is, I don’t know that I love him in that sense. I want to, but I don’t want to tell him that I love him until I actually mean it. To me, I’d rather hear those words once from someone and have him mean it, rather than say it a bunch of times and not really mean it…just saying it because it’s what I want to hear.

I’ve never told a guy I love him face to face. I’ve never expressed that kind of emotion towards a guy so I’m not sure what to expect. But I’ve always heard that you’ll know when you’re in love. I hope that’s the case. However, with that comes a fear…if it took me a long time to get over a relationship that shouldn’t have even been considered one, it makes me wonder how I will handle myself in this next relationship…new guy, new feelings, new chances. I know that with every relationship, pain is inevitable, but it scares me. I know I shouldn’t be, but no likes to have a fear of the unknown.

One thing I AM sure of is that I really like him. He’s literally the first person I think about when I wake up, and the last person I think about before I go to sleep (as a matter of fact, I had a dream last night and he was in it). I care about him a lot. It’s just a matter of time until something happens. I know I’m beginning to sound like a broken record repeating that over and over again. But he’s something special. I am so lucky and blessed to have him in my life and although we may not be in a relationship, he’s my best friend, I can tell him anything, I trust him, and I really like him. The more I’m around him, the more comfortable I’m beginning to feel (like I can be myself). My mind has never been so consumed with thoughts about just one person before, so I think that says a lot. I would hope he feels the same way, but I can only speak for myself.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Have you ever been in love? What did it feel like? Do you think the word “love” is used too loosely in relationships and the dating world?

Advertisements

text messages & sweet gestures.

So we’ve been texting a lot the last couple of days…like more than we usually do. Sometimes it’s flirty (it’s way easier for both of us to flirt through text than in person). On Sunday night I stayed up until 1AM (so I guess Monday too technically) texting him…I had to wake up at 5. So yeah, that goes to show you’d rather lose sleep than not talk to the person you like.

While we were talking Sunday night, he asked me if I wanted to read one of his comic books. Because this is a huge part of his life, I wanted to see what this was all about. Apparently it meant a lot more to him than I realized. On Monday during our class together, he let me borrow one of his favorites and I read it during my break in the library. Later that night when we were texting, he told me that he was reading the same book and the fact that I had read the same thing earlier made him really happy. I thought that was really sweet because I didn’t know how much it was going to mean to him.

Today I only had one class and went to my “office assistant / TA” position after that. To my surprise, when I left her office to go do something, I saw him standing there in the hallway. I walked up to him and gave him a huge hug and he hugged me back tighter. I asked him what he was doing here and he said he stopped by to see me. I thought it was really sweet.

After I got home, I got a text from him asking if I was still on campus, but I told him I left. He asked me because he wanted to say bye to me in person. He had a class while I was working but I ran into him a couple of times. Man, he sure is saying and doing all the right things.

We’re like so close, but yet so far away I feel. We could be in a relationship if someone makes the first move, but I don’t want to rush things if it’s not meant to happen. And like I said, I don’t have any expectations for Valentine’s Day but the fact that we’ve been talking and texting each other more than usual this week, it only makes things a little harder. He sure is making this more difficult for me.

-beautifuldarkmystery

great night.

It started when my parents and I went out to each dinner. It was for my mom’s belated birthday celebration since we didn’t get the chance to go out on her real birthday. I recognized one of the waitresses because we went to high school together. But she was one of those people that I never really talked to or hung out with. I think we had a couple of classes, but I didn’t think she knew who I was. She wasn’t our waitress, but she did walk by our table and asked us if we needed anything and then she looks at me and says my name. I was completely surprised because I thought this was going to be awkward moments where she didn’t know who I was but weird because I knew who she was. Anyways, we talked for like a minute or so and then she had to help out the other tables. She was a lot friendlier than I remember her, but that’s a good thing. It’s good to see she’s doing well and maybe I’ll see her around.

When I got home, I went on the computer and started watching old videos. All of a sudden my phone buzzed and it was a text message from “Tom.” Tom’s my crush for those of you who don’t know. He basically said he was thinking about me and we started talking for a bit. Then he had to leave because he had plans. Now I’m sitting here trying to stay awake so that we can talk when he’s done, but I don’t even know when that will be. Plus I have orientation tomorrow morning for a volunteer position.

It was great though, for the first time…I began to open up to him and he made me feel better. Still wish we would have been in person when we talked about this because I would have wanted to see his reaction. I mean it’s one thing to type up a response and send it, but it’s another to actually BE THERE in the moment and emotionally connect with each other. I hope we can hang out one of these days…and I mean outside of school, just the two of us. I just want to see what would happen.

-beautifuldarkmystery

skinny love.

Okay, so I’ve seen this term everywhere. I was scrolling through my dashboard on Tumblr and saw a picture with “skinny love
on it. So finally, I decided to do a Google search for a definition. According to Urban Dictionary, skinny love is when two people love each other but are too shy to admit it but they still show it. I still can’t get over when he said it the other day, “You know I love you.”  Yeah, I know it was in a friendly way and we were joking around, but I loved hearing that.

Anyways, I couldn’t help but relate this to my situation because I feel that this is where I’m headed with this guy, which I don’t really mind. I’d rather hear him say it once (even if it takes a long time) and mean it than to hear it from him a hundred times that it almost loses its meaning. We’re both shy people when it comes to relationships. Neither of us wants to be the first to say something or make a move. Yeah, that’ll complicate things for us, but I’m willing to stick with him and see where things go. Maybe I’ll work up the courage to put myself out there more. Who knows?

I know that the quickest way to disappointment is to allow your happiness to depend on another person, but I can’t help it. He makes me happy. The more I’m around him, the more comfortable I feel being myself…like I don’t have to hide anything and I would hope he feels the same way. Man, I care about this guy A LOT…more than I probably think. I’ve just never met someone I’ve connected with so easily and so fast. It’s like we’re so similar in a lot of ways that it’s almost creepy…and somehow our paths ended up crossing, we met, and became friends. It’s been a while since I’ve had someone in my life I could be myself around. I tend to be more of an introverted person, but he’s slowly breaking down my walls. In fact, we’re slowly approaching that place where I feel I can begin to share more personal stories…you know, more deeper-level surface stuff instead of just talking about friends and school…things you don’t tell acquaintances.

This guy…you all are going to get sick of hearing me talk about him, so I apologize in advance. But to tell you the truth, he’s the first guy I’ve been able to like since my last relationship. It’s probably not that big of a deal to anyone, but to me it kind of is. I’ll try not to talk about it as much, but if something does happen, it’s guaranteed there will be a post about it.

-beautifuldarkmystery

makeup vs. natural beauty.

Now this is a topic I’m more familiar with. As I’m getting older, I’m trying to embrace my natural beauty more. I first started wearing makeup in the 8th grade and haven’t really stopped since. I’ve always slightly struggled with the way I look, which stems from a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem (which, to this day, I’m not exactly sure where those issues are rooted). At one point, I couldn’t leave the house without putting makeup on and even if I didn’t have anywhere to go and stayed in the house all day, I would still put my makeup on. Ugh, right?

When I think about it, yeah I am somewhat obsessed with how I look, but I actually don’t think my makeup routine is all that intensive. My everyday routine consists of eyeliner and sometimes mascara. Being that I am Asian, I’ve found that eye liner and dark eye shadow really make my eyes pop. It’s so simple, but creates a HUGE difference (I’m sure you’ve seen those tutorials on YouTube about how much makeup can really transform a person). On occasion, I will wear lipstick and apply a powder foundation, but nothing too crazy.I think makeup is supposed to enhance your features, not make you look like a completely different person. I stay very neutral with the exception of lipstick. No crazy colors like blues, greens, pinks, purples. Very rarely do I wear false lashes. They’re a pain anyway.

I think I can speak for a lot of girls when I say we just love our makeup. It can get really difficult for us to accept our natural selves, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It just takes some work and time. Am I still conscious about how I look? Of course, I don’t think that will ever go away. I’m not going to lie, when I like a guy, I will try to “spice up” my makeup routine and do something a little different to get his attention…but I’ve heard mixed opinions about this. I’ve heard that some guys actually prefer the caked on makeup, and there are a lot of guys that actually hate it when girls wear makeup because they prefer as minimal enhancements as possible. The former is just very superficial if you ask me…I prefer the latter. A guy who can love me despite the way I look…he’s a keeper.

Let’s face it though, we live in a pretty vain society so it’s hard to not be obsessive about the way we look…but that’s just it…it’s okay to use makeup to enhance your features, but don’t let it become an obsession. Don’t go crazy and let it consume your life because that’s when it becomes just a bit ridiculous. I truly believe people are beautiful in their own way…physically or internally. That’s what we should embrace.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Ladies, how much makeup do YOU wear (if at all)? Guys, do you prefer makeup on a girl or natural beauty?

what does it mean?

So today was the first day of the semester and I had a really weird thing happen to me. I was really anxious to see “Tom” because I hadn’t seen him in a month. I was sitting in the library trying to kill time and all of a sudden my stomach started feeling weird…almost like it was doing flips. It was almost nauseating. I felt sick. I don’t know if it was because I was excited/nervous…but I’ve never had that happen to me before. I’ve never felt like THAT nervous/anxious about seeing someone ever. Even as I was walking down the library steps, I felt my knees shake a little and I could barely walk down the steps. I thought, what the heck is happening to me? Why did this happen? Is my body trying to tell me something? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

-beautifuldarkmystery

Has a guy/girl ever made you feel like this? What was that experience like for you?

the pressure to be skinny.

I’d be lying to you if I said I’ve never struggled with body image…I think EVERY girl has at least some time in their life. It’s difficult because unfortunately, we live in a society where skinny is considered beautiful. I would consider myself average. I’m not too skinny but I’m not overweight. In fact, according to the BMI, I am exactly where I need to be.

There have been certain things I’ve wanted to change about myself. For the longest time, my legs bothered me. I always wished they were skinnier. Yes, I was one of those girls who wanted the gap between her legs. I was first self-conscious about my legs when I was a freshman in high school. It bothered me that all of my friends had stick-thin legs and I wanted mine to look like that as well. Today, I’ve become more accepting about my legs. I still want them a little skinnier, but I’m not going to extremes to achieve it.

Another thing I’ve hated is my stomach. I’ve always wanted a super flat stomach. To this day, I am still self-conscious about wearing a bathing suit around other people, so I rarely go swimming when I’m invited. It’s gotten pretty bad the older I’ve gotten. When I was younger I didn’t care about any of this stuff. But now, I rarely go in the pool. I tend to wear baggy shirts or loosely-fitted tops to cover my stomach. I can’t wear anything that’s skin tight. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

I’ve never gone to super extremes to try and be skinny. One thing I did do was cut soda completely out of my diet and that actually worked. By not drinking soda, I lost a good 5-7 pounds. Plus it’s just better for your health anyway…soda has so much artificial sugar and the caffeine is bad for you (in large amounts). I haven’t had soda for over two years now.

Once the weather is nice again, I want to start walking/exercising. I usually do this around springtime. I’ll walk around my neighborhood or climb hills to work my leg muscles. I LOVE doing this because I enjoy the time to myself, and I’m getting in a decent workout at the same time.

I think there will always be a part of me that remains self-conscious about my weight. Like I said, I will never go to extremes to get the result I want, but as a girl, it’s hard living in a society where you’re judged by the way you look. I really am working on trying to accept myself for who I am, but I’ve still got a ways to go. But like I said, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve found that I HAVE become more accepting of myself and the way I look. But it doesn’t hurt to want to strive to be a little healthier…just as long as it’s safe.

-beautifuldarkmystery

How do you view yourself in terms of body image and how have they changed over the years? Has it gotten better or worse?