proceed with caution.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss him anymore. The truth is that I will always miss him, what we had, what we were…but it doesn’t necessarily mean I want any of it back. Learning to distinguish between the two has been the most difficult part of the process for me. For the longest time, I didn’t know if it was him I wanted or the memories.

There’s still not a day that goes by that I don’t think about him and wonder how he’s doing. There’s a part of me that wonders if he feels the same. We haven’t talked or interacted at all since we met up a couple of months ago. Like I’ve said in previous posts, I don’t know why he wanted to reconnect and maybe that’s not for me to know or understand.

For the last four and a half years that I’ve know him, he is the one person who’s always found his way back into my life. It didn’t matter how many times I cut him out or said I needed space. I thought 2015 was it…everything was done and we were never going to speak to each other again. And just when I think I’ll never hear from him again, he pops back into my life. I guess life will always work in mysterious ways, and the people who are meant to be in your life will always be there.

I don’t know what the future holds for us. I don’t ever expect us to get back together again. I don’t even expect us to be close friends again. With everything that’s happened, there’s just no way. But I still find it funny that out of everyone I became friends with in college, the one person I had the most dysfunctional friendship/relationship with was the one who ended up moving near me. Weird how life works, right?

I firmly believe that whatever’s meant to happen will happen. Who knows? Maybe next year, we’ll rekindle our friendship again and actually be okay and be able to tolerate being around each other without feelings getting in the way or ruining things. That’s the thing about the future…you just never know. Just like I was 99% sure I would never see or speak to him ever again, there’s always that 1%.

I feel like I’m finally at that place where we can be friends again if time and life allow it. I will never close the door to our friendship, but I will always proceed with caution. There’s a saying, “Don’t run back to what broke you.” I know I need to be careful. There’s no way I’ll allow myself to retreat back to that dark place after we broke up. The most beautiful thing that can ever come from a break up is that you learn more about yourself. What you did right, what you did wrong, what you want in a relationship and what you don’t want, what you’ll compromise and where you’ll draw the line.

We may have only dated for two months, but it was two and a half years in the making. The feelings were there and we both knew it. But it doesn’t matter how long it lasted. I would have much rather gotten out sooner rather than later if I strongly felt like we weren’t going to make it. Does it suck that I didn’t have much trust and faith in the relationship from the beginning? Of course it does. But I would have rather known than to continue living life always wondering what could have been, especially since this relationship was the one thing I wanted most at the time.

I’m glad I can look back on how far I’ve come and know that I am okay. There are no more feelings of anger or resentment…..regret, especially. Everything happens for a reason. It’ll be interesting to see what the future has in store for us. Whether we ever rekindle our friendship or continue living life as nothing more than acquaintances. One of the weirdest parts about this journey has been that transition to being “strangers” again. When we hung out last month, I literally felt like I was sitting across from someone I didn’t know. It was awkward like the first-time-meeting kind of awkward. Yet, we share this past that cannot be erased, no matter how hard he or I try to block those memories out of our minds. Simply put, we’re strangers with history. And I’m okay with that.

If there’s anything I would want him to know, it’s that no matter what’s happened between us in the past and no matter where we stand today, if he ever truly needed a friend, I will always be there for him. I know I’m probably not the first person he would run to, but I will always be a friend. Last August we had a brief conversation through text and he said there were moments he was struggling and having a difficult time and wanted to reach out to me. I never said this to him, but it was nice to hear. To know that he still needed me and wanted that friendship meant something to me.

But anyway, I’ve gone on long enough. I’ll end with this. I firmly believe that you meet people for a reason, and the ones who are meant to be in your life will always find their way back, no matter how far they wander. It’ll be interesting to see where life takes us a year from now, five years from now…but you can guarantee I’ll have something to say about it when the time comes.

beautifuldarkmystery

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when one door closes.

As much as I wanted that job, I was fortunate to have been presented with a potential opportunity. One of my good friends from college recently started his own production company and wants me to be involved. Unfortunately, because they’re just starting, I would be working for free. Right now, my main priority is finding a job that pays, but I’m excited to be on board and help them out. This could turn into something great and I know it will. The two guys running this company are some of the smartest, most creative people I know. They’re passionate and committed to their work and I am honored that they asked me to be a part of this. Plus, it’s also very cool to see something from the very beginning and watch it grow over time.

Even though this isn’t a paying job, there are still many benefits to it. First, I’m in the field I’m most comfortable with, which is production. Looking for work in this industry has been very difficult for me and my internships have led to nothing. But I haven’t given up just yet. Second, I’m working with people I already know and trust, who have my best interests at heart. I know they won’t take advantage of me or anything like that. Third, it’s giving me experience with managing multiple projects at once, while also giving me the opportunity to expand my knowledge in digital media, which is kind of the direction I’m leaning towards at the moment.

There’s still a lot in the air at the moment, but like I said, I think this will lead to great things. I am hoping I will have a full time job by the end of this month. I’m still sticking with my October deadline, but the sooner, the better.

It’s been a frustrating couple of years trying to figure everything out and just feeling so lost. A part of me feels like I’m making this more difficult than it should be, but then the other half of me just doesn’t know what to do. Yes, the future freaks me out and I wish there was some way I could guarantee that I will be okay. But I can only live for now and do everything I can to ensure I will be okay. I know things have a way of working themselves out, and I feel like it’s happening right now. Everything happens for a reason and I think I need to have some faith and trust that this is all meant to be a part of my journey.

beautifuldarkmystery

new year, moving forward.

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything here. Not much has really happened, although this year is going to be an interesting one. I’ll start with New Year’s.

So basically feelings between me and my ex resurfaced that night and it’s frustrating at times because I never know where we truly stand. At this point, I’ve tried to accept that we’re not getting into a relationship any time soon. I try not to have too many expectations so I don’t end up disappointed and hurt. Yet, that seems to keep happening regardless.

Anyway, he moved closer to me this month (we’re about 15 minutes away from each other now) for work purposes. I’ve had mixed feelings about him living closer to me. On one hand, I think it’s great because we’ll get to see each other more frequently and it’ll give us time to work on our friendship. However, at the same time, it makes it difficult to try and move on…even KNOWING he’s so close to me.

Back to New Year’s. So, back when we broke up, I didn’t think we’d be spending New Year’s together. It can be a “couple-y” thing and when we were dating, I was really excited to get to spend these special occasions with him…Christmas, New Years, Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately, we broke up before then. I was back in town at the time and he was still back home, and we spontaneously decided to try and get a group together for New Year’s. It ended up being pretty successful. It was a good group and we all went bowling. After we bowled, the whole group headed over to a party but I decided not to go because my drive going back home was an hour long and I didn’t want to stay out too late, especially on a day like New Year’s when people drink and drive (which you shouldn’t do!!). He decided to stay back with me and not go to the party with the others. I told him he really didn’t have to do that because I wanted him to have fun. But he insisted. So we hung out, went to a small party one of his friends held at his place. I didn’t exactly get a New Year’s kiss, but as we were walking back to my car at the end of the night, it kind of just happened…we kissed, and then suddenly all those feelings re-surfaced and came back. I miss him so much, and I really wish we were still together.

Since then, like I said, he moved closer to me. He’s been extremely busy and we haven’t really talked that much since he moved, but he has surprised me a couple of times. I’ve said before, I try not to have expectations when it comes to him so that I’m not disappointed. But yesterday we hung out for pretty much the whole day. It was one of his days off and so we hung out, we treated me to lunch, and we had a good time. It’s difficult sometimes though because our natural tendency is to go back into couple mode and treat each other like we’re in a relationship, but I tried so hard to refrain from it. I feel like I keep giving him mixed messages.

I guess the point I’m trying to get at here is that…you never know what the future holds. The job he got, he could have been relocated to Florida. Instead, he ended up merely 15 minutes away from me. I didn’t think we’d spend New Year’s together, but we did. What this says about our relationship for the future, I have no idea. All we can do is focus on the now and focus on rebuilding out friendship and “starting over.” It’s difficult trying to do this backwards, but we’re making it work somehow. As for him, I don’t know if he’s met anyone yet or started developing feelings for other girls (I mean, it’s still pretty early, but I never know with him). I’ve tried to prepare myself for the possibility that this could happen, but just like with death, I don’t think there’s ever a way you can truly prepare yourself. If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen and I have no control over that. Yeah, it’ll hurt, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

This year is definitely going to test me in so many ways. But my main thing is that I want to stay positive and stay on the right track. I have a tendency of allowing people and situations to control me and it puts me in this really dark place. So the moment I feel like I’m starting to go down that dark path again, I try to fight it and stay positive. I have a lot of things to be thankful for and that needs to be my main focus. New doors will be opened, I’ll meet new people…and I have no idea what the future holds. But until then, I have to change my mindset and move forward. It’s a new year, a fresh start, time to get back on track.

– beautifuldarkmystery

in a moment, everything can change.

Recently, I came across some very sad news. I found out that a student who was set to graduate from my alma mater passed away on Monday after being critically injured by a drunk driver early Sunday morning. Before I found out about his passing (or even about the accident), I was on Facebook and noticed one of my friends liked a photo of this boy and girl. I didn’t know who either of the people were, but I clicked on the photo anyway. When I read the caption, it said something like “…I feel so helpless…all I can do at this point is pray for a miracle…” Then a couple of days later, I realized that the young man who passed away was the same one in that photo. Judging from what I read in the caption, it seemed like these two were in a relationship. Now that he’s passed away, I can only imagine what she’s going through right now.

Why am I bringing this up? It was another reminder that life is short and precious. I look at my situation with my ex-boyfriend. At this point, I don’t know if I’m ever going to get back together with him. I don’t think he wants it as much as I do. But the point is that…we waste so much time arguing over petty things instead of taking the time to appreciate each other and be thankful that we have another day with that person. We may be three hundred miles apart, but that shouldn’t be an excuse as to why we can’t tell each other how much we value the other person. In the blink of an eye, our loved ones can be taken away from us. Any moment. They could be gone tomorrow. So since that, I’ve been telling him that I love him because I really want him to know that and I want him to hear it. We may not be together at the moment, but I really do love him with all of my heart, and yeah, we may argue from time to time, but I never want a day to go by without telling him how much he means to me.

I miss him every single day and the distance sucks. I wish I could see him and have his physical presence with me, but even if all I can do is text him every single night, I’ll take it. But I think it’s really important to say these words to your loved ones every once in a while. You shouldn’t need a special holiday like a birthday or Valentine’s Day to let them know you love them. Just the other week, he was having a bad day and feeling extremely alone, angry, and frustrated. And I just told him, “I love you.” He was so caught off guard that he even asked me where that came from. I told him that I just wanted to tell him. Sometimes a few words can help us more than he thinks. I may not know what he’s going through right now, but I can be there to support him and love him.

I may not know what the future holds for us, but I do know one thing…I love this guy with every ounce of my being. He will always be my first true love and I will never forget that. He means the world to me and I didn’t know someone could be this important to me outside of my family. I will never be the same because of him and I wish I could be with him right now. I’ll remain hopeful that one day it will work out like it’s supposed to. But until then, I will keep reminding him of just how much I love him. I miss him so much.

– beautifuldarkmystery

on the mend.

I didn’t talk to him at all yesterday, not even text him, even though I had many urges to ask how he’s doing. In a sense, I feel obligated since I’M the one who broke his heart. But at the same time, I think the only way I can begin to move forward for myself is to create some space and distance. It’s difficult because we spent the last three months or so texting each other every single minute of every day, we FaceTimed each other, talked on the phone occasionally…it’s going to be hard getting into a new routine. I don’t know what’s going through his mind or how he feels, but I get the feeling he’s starting to move on too.

I’m definitely still having some regrets about how things went down last weekend, but every time I start to go back to that place, I just remind myself that if we didn’t do any of that now, it would have happened at some point, eventually. There is just SO much in the air right now, so much uncertainty. With the fact that he might be gone for a year and a half makes my stomach turn. If we were to still continue our relationship, I don’t know that I could. I feel like long distance only works if both people feel completely secure with each other, and , clearly, neither of us felt like that. So in my mind, we were going to break up anyway, whether this fight happened or not…

What sucks is that I DON’T know if that’s actually going to happen. There could be a possibility he gets neither job opportunity and he’s still here. I don’t know why I don’t think about that. In my mind, I think he’s going to get both. Well, whatever the case, I do believe that things happen for a reason, and if we are seriously and truly meant to be together, we’ll find a way back to each other. I really do believe that…we’ve tried this three times now, and, from the outside, someone would probably tell me that it’s never going to work if it hasn’t worked yet. But the way I look at it is that there’s still something that keeps drawing us back together. I blame timing for why our relationship didn’t work out this time. My sister brought up a very good point. He and I started our relationship at the beginning of July. Immediately after that, I went away on vacation for a week so I couldn’t see him or spend time with him. I was offered a job/internship for the entire month of August, so unfortunately, we lost some more time there…and looking back on it, we didn’t really have time to develop anything before I move down south. I think THAT’S where a huge amount of this feeling of insecurity is coming from. it sucks that I see this only now in hindsight. But, there’s a slight possibility that we’re not through yet. I don’t want to plant any false hopes in my head so I keep telling myself that this is it…but I DON’T know what’s going to happen. I don’t know that we’ll end up together again.

With the way we left things, it’s not a yes or a no…it’s a maybe. My mom told me it’s important to be really good friends before dating. When I hear that, in my mind I’m thinking, well, yeah, we were friends before we started dating. But what she truly meant was…really get to know the person. I may have known this guy for three years, but have I really KNOWN him? I know it sounds weird. But we are both still growing and there are things about each other we don’t like or don’t know how to handle. If we really took the time to develop a serious friendship, maybe this would have turned out differently…which is why my mom keeps telling me that maybe it’s not over yet. She said we both need to go through hardships like this and if we can get over this hurdle, we’ll be stronger in the end.

Everything happens for a reason. They say if you love someone, let that person go. If he/she comes back, then they’re yours. If they don’t, then they never were. I know I’ll love him no matter what. In the deepest parts of my heart, I’ll ALWAYS want a relationship with him, I will ALWAYS have those feelings for him…but if a friendship is the only thing that will ever come out of this, then I’d like to continue developing that. I just really wish I could read his mind right now and really know what he’s thinking.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Can two people go back to being friends after being in a relationship? 

the end is near.

In a week from today, I will be graduating college. It’s so weird to think about and I don’t think I’ve fathomed it yet. I can’t believe how quickly these last four years went. If I thought high school was fast, college’s got nothing on that. As I’m preparing to end my undergraduate journey, I’m left with mixed feelings.

To be completely honest, I still don’t know if film is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. My mom and dad don’t know and my sister doesn’t know. I haven’t really talked to anyone about it because I’m still trying to figure all of it out. I’m torn because on one hand, I try to convince myself that this is my passion because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be putting in the long hours on set and helping out on as many projects as I can. At the same time, as I’m surrounded by people who know what they want to do and are driven and motivated, I feel as though I’m left on the sidelines. I’ve had an awesome time in college, but I don’t know that I ever found my niche, what it is that I really want to do with my degree.

I will be going to get my Masters and even though it “looks better” to have the higher degree, I don’t really want to go. I haven’t told this to my parents either because they’re the ones who “made the decision for me.” I don’t want to disappoint them. I guess I better start being more proactive and really focus on trying to see what I like to do.

And that’s the other thing…I feel like if I have to TRY and search for some aspect of film that interests me, then I feel like this is what I shouldn’t be doing. To me, having a passion doesn’t require the effort of “searching,” it’s there, you just have to mold and craft it. But perhaps I AM getting ahead of myself. Maybe I haven’t “found” my passion yet and the best is yet to come.

I’m sure there are a bunch of other people who know how I’m feeling right now and can relate. So what can I conclude from this post? I have very mixed feelings about graduation. I’m happy because the last four years of hard work are finally paying off. However, at the same time I’m sad…not only because I’m leaving behind some incredibly talented and amazing people, but also because it means I will no longer have school to simply occupy time. I need to figure my life out and I need to find what motivates and inspires me.

I know that I don’t need to have all the answers at this very moment, but some guidance wouldn’t hurt. I’ve always felt a little lost throughout my four years of college, but every time I begin to think like that, again, I always remind myself that if I didn’t love it, I wouldn’t be putting in the long hours being on set. It’s a scary place to be in, but I think that this is pretty normal. I think if I WEREN’T questioning myself, I’d be in a lot of trouble.

– beautifuldarkmystery

jealousy is such an ugly feeling.

I hate feeling jealous. But then again, who loves it? That’s what I thought. It’s such a waste of energy because it’s like what’s the point? You can’t control the way people feel or think, so what’s the use in “worrying” about something you can’t change? Right? I hate that I still get jealous every time I see him hug another girl or every time I think there’s something going on. I try to brush it off because I don’t want to be one of those people that gets jealous over everything. At this point, I know that in my mind there’s NO WAY things will EVER work out between us. And honestly, I could care less if we’re still friends. I’ve stopped making an effort because I don’t think I can ever be friends with him again. It’s hard…once you’ve developed strong feelings for someone, it’s hard to get over. I mean, pretty much for the most part, I AM over it…but there will always be that small part of me that holds on and it’s frustrating. But let’s just say, hypothetically, he gets into a relationship (my worst nightmare), how am I supposed to be happy for him when I still have deeply rooted feelings? It’s not fair to either one of us. That’s why the whole friendship thing isn’t going to work for us.

I can see he’s still trying to make an effort to stay in my life…not as much as when he liked me and was trying to do everything to impress me…but every now and then, he’ll either say or do something to show me that he’s trying. I want to tell him that he’s wasting his time because I’ve slowly stopped making an effort. I can’t do this anymore.

I think there’s a bigger issue to look at here. I try not to hold grudges because A) it’s not healthy for my own being and B) it’s also a waste of energy. However, looking at this situation as a whole, I think I am holding a grudge against him that I just need to let go of. I hate when people make me look stupid and I’m still upset over the things he did to me. I know I need to get over it and move on…but any of you who’ve been in this situation before will understand where I’m coming from.

I know that with time, things will get better. I held a grudge against my ex for the longest time, but now I’m over it…but that took how long??? Exactly. There are lots of things I need to work on about myself and I’ll get there. Change like this doesn’t happen over night. But I hope that one day, I can learn to let go of the past and move forward…because as long as I keep dwelling on it, I’m running in circles going nowhere.

– beautifuldarkmystery