hold on to that feeling.

You know that feeling you sometimes get when you just know that everything is going to be okay? I wish I could hold on to that feeling. I wish it never went away. I’ve been doing better for the most part…aside from the occasional slips and I fall back into those ruts.

I think the most important thing to focus on right now is how far I’ve gotten. This has been one roller coaster of a journey and sometimes, I can’t help but sit and think that this was a lot more difficult than it needed to be. Sometimes, I reflect on the decisions I’ve made and how I’ve handled certain situations and I wonder if maybe I did over-react or maybe I could have handled it differently. But there I go again…thinking about the past when clearly, there’s nothing I can do to change it. So why bother???

The fact that I still continue to try and justify my actions and choices makes me a little sad. I shouldn’t have to feel like I have to explain myself to anyone. I often wonder what he’s thinking…if he thinks I just simply gave up just because we’re not talking anymore…especially when I said I’d always be there for him and that I wasn’t going anywhere. Well, to be honest, I think we were both a little naive. I had to make the decisions I made in order to be happy again. I wasn’t happy with the way things were going. I wasn’t happy with the way I was being treated. There’s a difference between giving up and knowing when you’ve had enough. I’m a pretty tolerant person and it takes a lot for me to walk away, especially when I’ve fought so hard and so long for something/someone.

I need to stop worrying about what he’s thinking. His opinion of me shouldn’t matter. Right now, I need to focus on myself and focus on the people I still DO have…the people who genuinely care about my well-being and want to see my happy. I need to get rid of any toxins….any negative energy and give myself a chance to breathe and recollect.

to be honest, I don’t know if we’ll ever be friends again. As much as I want to, I have to think how having him back in my life would affect me…and after everything I went through with him, I don’t want to put myself through any of that all over again…especially when it’s taken me this long to make any sort of progress.

I know it sounds like all I’m doing is complaining, but I’m just trying to think out loud. My natural tendency is to overthink a lot of things…if only all of this was as easy as the flip of a switch, right?

-beautifuldarkmystery

it’s for the best.

Things are going great…and even though I’m sad that he’s not a part of my life anymore, I know that this is for the best. I need to learn to focus on the positive and not so much on the negative. I’m not saying avoid them completely…but more like, acknowledge that they’re there, but don’t dwell on them.

The hardest part is waiting for that right person to come along who will change your life forever. I hope it’ll be worth the wait…because I feel like I deserve to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.

strangers, again.

It’s funny how two friends can become strangers again. Someone you once knew so well, or, at least, you thought you did…is now just a name and face. I never thought that was possible, until I experienced it.

Yes, there are times I find myself wondering how he’s doing, if he’s happy. It seems like it. But sometimes, I want to know what he’s really thinking. We both know he’s always been good at putting on a facade, acting like everything’s okay. Well, regardless, I hope he’s happy.

I wish I could be a part of that happiness. I wish I could be a part of his present. But now he’s a part of my past. This is a time when we’re both experiencing important milestones in our lives and there are moments when I wish I could just share all of that with him. But then I remember our situation. I wish I didn’t have to be so extreme. I wish I didn’t have to cut him out of my life and that we could still be friends right now. But if I want ANY chance of moving on and being happy again, this is what I have to do.

It feels like I am mourning the death of a friend. There’s an emptiness inside of me, a void that cannot be filled. I miss having that one person I shared everything with. The one person I had some of the best memories with. Three years of it and now it’s gone, just like that.

It hurts, but I do the best I can. And I know that with each passing day, it will get better. But I will never be whole again. He has a piece of my heart I will never get back.

– beautifuldarkmystery

just friends.

Is it possible to go back to being just friends with someone you’re in love with? For me, the answer is no…at least right now. We both knew the risk we were taking when we decided we wanted to take our friendship to the next level. It’s unfortunate our relationship didn’t last that long and that the feelings (on my end, at least) are still there.

A couple of months ago, we both told each other that we’d like to try having a relationship again. He’ll be living fifteen minutes away from me and it’ll give us a chance to rebuild our friendship. However, given the circumstances, it’s been difficult just trying to be his friend. I feel like I have been trying but it’s just too difficult for me right now. The littlest things he does upsets me…things that wouldn’t upset me if my feelings were strictly platonic.

I am home for the holidays and we’re planning on hanging out next weekend at some point…and that’s when I’m going to have the talk. It scares me because I’m basically going to tell him that I need to cut him out of my life for a while…it doesn’t mean this will be temporary, but trying to do this whole thing backwards is not making anything better. I’m hoping he will understand…but a part of me feels that he won’t. He’s going to see this as me giving up and abandoning him, which is not the case. The last thing I want to do is feel like the bad guy yet again. Sometimes, you need to do what’s necessary for YOURSELF and quite honestly, it’s been hard for me to accept the whole “just friends” thing. It’s not fair to me. I don’t want to hurt him, but sometimes, you have to be a little selfish.

I’ve been trying not to worry too much about how this is going to go down because at the end of the day, I know I have no control over what’s going to happen. I can’t control how he’s going to react, what he’s going to say, or how he’s going to feel. All I can do is speak for myself, be honest (but not mean), and hope that there’s some level of a mutual understanding there. But, again, I have no control over that either. If he doesn’t get it…well then…

This is all a part of growing up. You have to go through these life experiences, you have to go through trial and error to see what works and what doesn’t work. The one thing I will not allow myself to do anymore is to sit and dwell on what I cannot change. I’ve found that the more time I have on my hands, the more time I have to think about everything…things I wish I could have done differently, feeling like I was never good enough for him…basically, thoughts I shouldn’t even be having. But, this is how I’m learning. The first one is always going to be the most difficult because it’s the only love you’ve ever known. You want to hold onto it because you remember the feelings you had being with that person and how it made you feel…how happy you were. I know that life only gets harder from here on out, but I hope that, with dating at least, it’ll get a little easier because I’ll know what not to do and how to handle myself in different situations.

– beautifuldarkmystery

goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem.

I think most people feel it is immature to cut someone completely out of your life, but sometimes it’s necessary. I’ve decided that this is what I need to do with my ex. Right now, it’s just too difficult to go back to being just friends when we’ve already crossed that line.

I’ve cut him out once before, but that was a while ago, and before anything really happened. At the time, all that HAD happened was that we confessed our feelings for each other. But he couldn’t make up his mind about how he felt about me and every time we tried to be more than friends, he’d pull back because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. So finally, I got fed up and cut him off. I didn’t speak to him, I only saw him when necessary (I was still in school at the time). But that was it. And as much as it sucked not being able to see him or hang out with him, allowing that time for myself helped the healing process. For the most part, my feelings for him were starting to go away because I had finally gotten to the point where I didn’t want to wait around anymore.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, for the longest time, I thought that cutting him off was a stupid thing to do and it seemed very childish. But seeing as how much pain I’m causing myself by trying to be in the friendship, I know exactly why I did it in the first place. I haven’t had the conversation with him yet, but I am waiting until he is done with finals because I know he’s not going to like this. He absolutely hated it that last time I did this and for the longest time, that was the reason he was scared to get into a relationship with me. Not losing me completely was more important to him than being in a relationship. But if he’s really my friend and loves me like he says he does, then he’ll understand why I need to do this. He will let me go. It’s going to hurt so much and if there was some other way I could go about this, I would. But right now, even just trying to be friends, it’s not working and I’m sacrificing my own happiness to be in this friendship and I’m tired of being sad all the time. I need to completely separate myself from him…however long that’s going to take. And if or when I am ready, we can try to be friends again.

But I need to completely remove him from my life. That means, no speaking to him, I can’t see him, I’ve removed every photo of us I have up in my room, I need a clean cut in order to move forward. I wish I wasn’t that type of person because it all sounds so drastic and unnecessary, but I feel like this is the only way. Sometimes, you have to be a little selfish and put yourself before anyone else. It sucks I’m going to hurt him in the process too, but like I said, if he’s truly my friend, he will understand that I need to do this for myself.

It’s never easy saying goodbye to a friend, especially when that friend has been such an important part of your life…this person has become a part of you. But goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem. But I need to move on. The longer I try to hold on, the more painful this is going to be. He’s told me he wants to give this another chance, but at this point, I don’t see a happy ending for us. Maybe in another life…

– beautifuldarkmystery

goodnight moon.

Well, last night was very bittersweet. I had a little get-together with a few of my closest friends from college to spend one more night with them before I move. It was great seeing everyone, but it was sad when it came time to say goodbye. Before everyone left, I told them to share their favorite memory they’ve had with me. I asked my ex this question but he said he couldn’t choose a favorite, and left it at that.

But it was the most difficult to say goodbye to a very special person. My ex. After everyone left, it was just the two of us and we hung out for a bit. I teared up a few times because I’ve never met a person I don’t want to be apart from. I’m still very much in love with him and he made it clear he still feels the same about me. I hate that this is so complicated. I wish we didn’t make things so complicated as human beings. If two people want to be together, they should be together. I was really hoping tonight he would say something and express that he still wants a relationship, but he’s still pretty damaged and I don’t blame him. I just had to go and ruin something good we had going.

The thing is, I really want to have hope that ONE day, we will finally work out and we will be happy together and things will fall into place. But it’s so difficult to have hope when so much can change once I leave. It’s scary. He has hope and he wants it to work out. I don’t know what makes him so sure.

At one point in the night, he pulled me close and hugged me. It just feels right having his arms wrapped around me. I feel safe, secure, and loved. He whispered “I love you.” Then we looked into each other’s eyes and we kissed. I got butterflies all over again. It was as if he was kissing me for the first time again. I’m going to miss all the little things the most. The “good morning” texts, all the times he told me I was beautiful, his hugs, his kisses, holding his hand, sitting next to him on the couch, and everything else about him.

Then he told me he never answered my question earlier. I was caught off guard, but then I remembered. I had asked everyone to share their favorite memory they had with me. Then he shared his with me. “My favorite memory was that Tuesday night when I fell in love with you.” He was referring to the time he came to my house because my friends and I were going to this film festival thing and he came a couple of days early to spend time with me. I smiled.

I wish there was some way I could take a glance into the future and see if we really do end up together. Some of our friends think we will, my mom think we will, he thinks we will. I seem to be the only one having doubts. My worst fear is that he grows close to someone this semester and develops feelings for her. That will KILL me inside. But honestly, I think that’s the only way I’ll ever be able to move on, because if that happens, I’ll have no choice BUT to move on. The feelings I have for him, are ones that will never go away. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much time passes. There’s a reason I held on for so long. I’ve felt this way about him for the last three years, and the thing is, I never thought it was possible. I never thought I had the ability to love someone the way I love him.

As I was driving home, “Goodnight Moon” by Go Radio came on and every time I hear that song I’m reminded of him, not only because of the lyrics, but because he put this song on a CD he made for me. It’s also the song we were listening to on the day he first said “I love you” to me. It will always be a significant song.

It’s definitely going to be difficult being apart from him. I know I’m not going that far away, but I won’t have the convenience of being able to drive over and hang out whenever I want. He told me he’ll FaceTime me and we’ll talk on the phone and I can text him whenever I want…well, if that’s the case, then I don’t see why we can’t make this work. But I know deep down inside why we can’t right now…I hurt him more than anyone else has before and I will never forgive myself for that. He made me feel really bad when he said if only I would have taken him back that night or said something…that kills me. I will always be haunted by that. He keeps telling me that it’s not my fault and I don’t have to be sorry, but I think I’ll always carry some of that guilt with me.

He said he plans on visiting me during the semester and he still wants to go to Disneyland with me for my birthday. I don’t know how I feel about this yet. Of course I want to see him, but at the same time, it might make things more difficult for me…because for the last couple of times that we’ve seen each other, we’ve gone back into couple mode when we’re not in a relationship anymore. Obviously, it’s because the feelings are still there and we still are in love with each other. I wish I could have one more night with him but I’m afraid it will only make things worse. He’s already sad I’m leaving. He said, “I don’t know why the one person who’s most important to me has to leave. Why couldn’t it have been someone else? Why did it have to be you?” That made it even more difficult.

As I teared up some more, he wrapped his arms around me again and told me I’m going to be okay. He said, “You’re one of the strongest girls I know. You can do this. I’ve always looked up to you.” That was one of the sweetest things he’d ever said to me. I really really really hope we end up together again someday, and this time it will work out. Why? We’ve encountered obstacles like this and we’re making it through.

I told him that if we were in the Wizard of Oz, he’d be my scarecrow. He’s been on this journey with me the longest and I’ll miss him the most. I know we’ll always be there for each other and we’ll always have each other in our lives, but I want it to be more than just that. I want to be in a relationship with my best friend. I want my boyfriend back.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Have any of you been in a situation like this? How did you deal with it? What did you do?

on the mend.

I didn’t talk to him at all yesterday, not even text him, even though I had many urges to ask how he’s doing. In a sense, I feel obligated since I’M the one who broke his heart. But at the same time, I think the only way I can begin to move forward for myself is to create some space and distance. It’s difficult because we spent the last three months or so texting each other every single minute of every day, we FaceTimed each other, talked on the phone occasionally…it’s going to be hard getting into a new routine. I don’t know what’s going through his mind or how he feels, but I get the feeling he’s starting to move on too.

I’m definitely still having some regrets about how things went down last weekend, but every time I start to go back to that place, I just remind myself that if we didn’t do any of that now, it would have happened at some point, eventually. There is just SO much in the air right now, so much uncertainty. With the fact that he might be gone for a year and a half makes my stomach turn. If we were to still continue our relationship, I don’t know that I could. I feel like long distance only works if both people feel completely secure with each other, and , clearly, neither of us felt like that. So in my mind, we were going to break up anyway, whether this fight happened or not…

What sucks is that I DON’T know if that’s actually going to happen. There could be a possibility he gets neither job opportunity and he’s still here. I don’t know why I don’t think about that. In my mind, I think he’s going to get both. Well, whatever the case, I do believe that things happen for a reason, and if we are seriously and truly meant to be together, we’ll find a way back to each other. I really do believe that…we’ve tried this three times now, and, from the outside, someone would probably tell me that it’s never going to work if it hasn’t worked yet. But the way I look at it is that there’s still something that keeps drawing us back together. I blame timing for why our relationship didn’t work out this time. My sister brought up a very good point. He and I started our relationship at the beginning of July. Immediately after that, I went away on vacation for a week so I couldn’t see him or spend time with him. I was offered a job/internship for the entire month of August, so unfortunately, we lost some more time there…and looking back on it, we didn’t really have time to develop anything before I move down south. I think THAT’S where a huge amount of this feeling of insecurity is coming from. it sucks that I see this only now in hindsight. But, there’s a slight possibility that we’re not through yet. I don’t want to plant any false hopes in my head so I keep telling myself that this is it…but I DON’T know what’s going to happen. I don’t know that we’ll end up together again.

With the way we left things, it’s not a yes or a no…it’s a maybe. My mom told me it’s important to be really good friends before dating. When I hear that, in my mind I’m thinking, well, yeah, we were friends before we started dating. But what she truly meant was…really get to know the person. I may have known this guy for three years, but have I really KNOWN him? I know it sounds weird. But we are both still growing and there are things about each other we don’t like or don’t know how to handle. If we really took the time to develop a serious friendship, maybe this would have turned out differently…which is why my mom keeps telling me that maybe it’s not over yet. She said we both need to go through hardships like this and if we can get over this hurdle, we’ll be stronger in the end.

Everything happens for a reason. They say if you love someone, let that person go. If he/she comes back, then they’re yours. If they don’t, then they never were. I know I’ll love him no matter what. In the deepest parts of my heart, I’ll ALWAYS want a relationship with him, I will ALWAYS have those feelings for him…but if a friendship is the only thing that will ever come out of this, then I’d like to continue developing that. I just really wish I could read his mind right now and really know what he’s thinking.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Can two people go back to being friends after being in a relationship?