Well, last night was very bittersweet. I had a little get-together with a few of my closest friends from college to spend one more night with them before I move. It was great seeing everyone, but it was sad when it came time to say goodbye. Before everyone left, I told them to share their favorite memory they’ve had with me. I asked my ex this question but he said he couldn’t choose a favorite, and left it at that.
But it was the most difficult to say goodbye to a very special person. My ex. After everyone left, it was just the two of us and we hung out for a bit. I teared up a few times because I’ve never met a person I don’t want to be apart from. I’m still very much in love with him and he made it clear he still feels the same about me. I hate that this is so complicated. I wish we didn’t make things so complicated as human beings. If two people want to be together, they should be together. I was really hoping tonight he would say something and express that he still wants a relationship, but he’s still pretty damaged and I don’t blame him. I just had to go and ruin something good we had going.
The thing is, I really want to have hope that ONE day, we will finally work out and we will be happy together and things will fall into place. But it’s so difficult to have hope when so much can change once I leave. It’s scary. He has hope and he wants it to work out. I don’t know what makes him so sure.
At one point in the night, he pulled me close and hugged me. It just feels right having his arms wrapped around me. I feel safe, secure, and loved. He whispered “I love you.” Then we looked into each other’s eyes and we kissed. I got butterflies all over again. It was as if he was kissing me for the first time again. I’m going to miss all the little things the most. The “good morning” texts, all the times he told me I was beautiful, his hugs, his kisses, holding his hand, sitting next to him on the couch, and everything else about him.
Then he told me he never answered my question earlier. I was caught off guard, but then I remembered. I had asked everyone to share their favorite memory they had with me. Then he shared his with me. “My favorite memory was that Tuesday night when I fell in love with you.” He was referring to the time he came to my house because my friends and I were going to this film festival thing and he came a couple of days early to spend time with me. I smiled.
I wish there was some way I could take a glance into the future and see if we really do end up together. Some of our friends think we will, my mom think we will, he thinks we will. I seem to be the only one having doubts. My worst fear is that he grows close to someone this semester and develops feelings for her. That will KILL me inside. But honestly, I think that’s the only way I’ll ever be able to move on, because if that happens, I’ll have no choice BUT to move on. The feelings I have for him, are ones that will never go away. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much time passes. There’s a reason I held on for so long. I’ve felt this way about him for the last three years, and the thing is, I never thought it was possible. I never thought I had the ability to love someone the way I love him.
As I was driving home, “Goodnight Moon” by Go Radio came on and every time I hear that song I’m reminded of him, not only because of the lyrics, but because he put this song on a CD he made for me. It’s also the song we were listening to on the day he first said “I love you” to me. It will always be a significant song.
It’s definitely going to be difficult being apart from him. I know I’m not going that far away, but I won’t have the convenience of being able to drive over and hang out whenever I want. He told me he’ll FaceTime me and we’ll talk on the phone and I can text him whenever I want…well, if that’s the case, then I don’t see why we can’t make this work. But I know deep down inside why we can’t right now…I hurt him more than anyone else has before and I will never forgive myself for that. He made me feel really bad when he said if only I would have taken him back that night or said something…that kills me. I will always be haunted by that. He keeps telling me that it’s not my fault and I don’t have to be sorry, but I think I’ll always carry some of that guilt with me.
He said he plans on visiting me during the semester and he still wants to go to Disneyland with me for my birthday. I don’t know how I feel about this yet. Of course I want to see him, but at the same time, it might make things more difficult for me…because for the last couple of times that we’ve seen each other, we’ve gone back into couple mode when we’re not in a relationship anymore. Obviously, it’s because the feelings are still there and we still are in love with each other. I wish I could have one more night with him but I’m afraid it will only make things worse. He’s already sad I’m leaving. He said, “I don’t know why the one person who’s most important to me has to leave. Why couldn’t it have been someone else? Why did it have to be you?” That made it even more difficult.
As I teared up some more, he wrapped his arms around me again and told me I’m going to be okay. He said, “You’re one of the strongest girls I know. You can do this. I’ve always looked up to you.” That was one of the sweetest things he’d ever said to me. I really really really hope we end up together again someday, and this time it will work out. Why? We’ve encountered obstacles like this and we’re making it through.
I told him that if we were in the Wizard of Oz, he’d be my scarecrow. He’s been on this journey with me the longest and I’ll miss him the most. I know we’ll always be there for each other and we’ll always have each other in our lives, but I want it to be more than just that. I want to be in a relationship with my best friend. I want my boyfriend back.
Have any of you been in a situation like this? How did you deal with it? What did you do?