when one door closes.

As much as I wanted that job, I was fortunate to have been presented with a potential opportunity. One of my good friends from college recently started his own production company and wants me to be involved. Unfortunately, because they’re just starting, I would be working for free. Right now, my main priority is finding a job that pays, but I’m excited to be on board and help them out. This could turn into something great and I know it will. The two guys running this company are some of the smartest, most creative people I know. They’re passionate and committed to their work and I am honored that they asked me to be a part of this. Plus, it’s also very cool to see something from the very beginning and watch it grow over time.

Even though this isn’t a paying job, there are still many benefits to it. First, I’m in the field I’m most comfortable with, which is production. Looking for work in this industry has been very difficult for me and my internships have led to nothing. But I haven’t given up just yet. Second, I’m working with people I already know and trust, who have my best interests at heart. I know they won’t take advantage of me or anything like that. Third, it’s giving me experience with managing multiple projects at once, while also giving me the opportunity to expand my knowledge in digital media, which is kind of the direction I’m leaning towards at the moment.

There’s still a lot in the air at the moment, but like I said, I think this will lead to great things. I am hoping I will have a full time job by the end of this month. I’m still sticking with my October deadline, but the sooner, the better.

It’s been a frustrating couple of years trying to figure everything out and just feeling so lost. A part of me feels like I’m making this more difficult than it should be, but then the other half of me just doesn’t know what to do. Yes, the future freaks me out and I wish there was some way I could guarantee that I will be okay. But I can only live for now and do everything I can to ensure I will be okay. I know things have a way of working themselves out, and I feel like it’s happening right now. Everything happens for a reason and I think I need to have some faith and trust that this is all meant to be a part of my journey.

beautifuldarkmystery

moving on.

It’s one of the most difficult things to do but sometimes it’s necessary. The heart wants what it wants, but when you take a step back and look at the bigger picture, you have to ask yourself one question…are you benefitting or suffering from the relationship? If you are suffering more than you are benefitting from it, then I think the answer is pretty clear. Sometimes we’re blind and we ignore the signs because we want things to work out. But sometimes, the truth hurts.

No matter how much you want to change a person, you can’t. They have to want to change for themselves. Unfortunately, you have to accept things at face value. This is who they are, this is who they will always be. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the situation, thinking that if you hold on for just a little longer, maybe it’ll turn around and things will start to get better. In a perfect world, that would be lovely. However, this is what happens in life and there will come a point where you realize that the only option left is to accept the reality of the situation. It’s just not going to work out.

My mother told me that one day, I’ll wake up and not care about what he’s doing. I won’t care about who he’s with or questioning whether he still has feelings for me. Right now, it doesn’t feel that way because this is just the beginning of the process. I have a long road ahead of me.

I’ve held on to the idea of this relationship for the last three years. Unfortunately, when it finally happened, it didn’t last that long, and things ended before they even started. Since breaking up with him, I’ve continued to hold on. No matter how many red flags and warning signs came my way, I chose to ignore them…and that’s what got me to where I am now…hurt, disappointed, frustrated. When we’re in love, we look for the best in the other person. When they say or do something we don’t like, we try to ignore it. But over time, it starts to build, and then one day, you have that “aha” moment. You realize that you have to move on.

I really hope that one day, I’ll be able to wake up and not care about what he’s doing. I want to wake up not feeling jealous, not feeling betrayed, hurt…He will always have a piece of my heart, but I want to be in control of my life again. I have a habit of letting my circumstances control me and that’s not good. Until I get to that stable place again where I can be happy without him in my life, I’ll continue to fall into my ruts on occasion. I’ll have moments of weakness. I’ll cry, I’ll vent to someone, all my emotions will hit me at once. It’s going to hurt because I care. But everything is going to be okay. Life doesn’t stop for anyone.

They say that some of life’s toughest situations bring the most valuable lessons…and the longer it takes to learn the lesson, the more valuable the lesson. He was my first love, therefore it’s the only love I know, which makes this that much more difficult. I’m going to be that much more guarded when they next guy comes around, I’m not going to jump into things right away. It’s going to take some time. But knowing how to cope with a broken heart and deal with the pain that comes after the relationship ends…knowing that much will make the next one a little easier…at least I hope.

I’m not the type of person who does things out of spite or wishes harm on anyone…but if there is any sort of revenge I would want…it would be for him to realize later on down the road that he made a huge mistake…that he lost someone who really cared about him and would have given him the world…but it’ll be too late. I will have moved on and be with someone new, and I will be happy.

They say when you meet the right person, you’ll know. I find that very interesting, but I guess I’m going to find out.

i felt my heart drop to my stomach.

Normally on Tuesdays, I help out a professor from 1PM-3PM after my one class. However, this week, she told me to come Wednesday instead of Tuesday. I was kind of relieved because this meant I wouldn’t have to see him. He has a class around the same time I arrive at the building and he normally waits outside in the hall. So since I didn’t have to work for her today, that meant avoiding him…or so I thought. Even though I didn’t have to help her today, I still had to stay on campus to do an interview for one of my assignments. I took a different path than I normally did and I ended up walking right behind him. I know, just my luck. Anyway, I didn’t even notice at first because there were so many people (it was passing period so people were everywhere, going in all directions). All of a sudden I see his backpack and recognize it, then I look up even more and see that it’s him. He was walking with this girl who was wearing a black laced top and mint jeans. I couldn’t see her face because she was walking in front of me and she was wearing sunglasses. I don’t know if this is the new girl he supposedly likes, but I was CRUSHED. I literally whispered, “Oh s***” under my breath and I quickly tried to go around them, hoping he didn’t see me. When I got to the building my interview was in, I looked through the tinted window and I saw them walking. My heart began to race and I could feel a new wave of pain settling in. This is so difficult for me. For once, I really want the guy I can’t have. He doesn’t feel the same about me anymore and I don’t want to believe it.

I really wish I hadn’t invested so many feelings in this nonexistent relationship from the start because whenever there are feelings involved, you know you’re basically doomed. It’s my own fault and he’s tried to apologize to me thinking this is his fault, but I know it was my own. I set myself up for this one. This is the type of stuff you see in the movies, and now it’s actually happening in my own life. I don’t know how I feel about that. There’s so much drama but I don’t want to be involved.

And I know I need to stop comparing myself to other girls. I know there will always be someone better than me out there…someone smarter, someone prettier, etc. But I don’t know how to get over this self-confidence issue. I think because I was having issues before  I even met him, this just makes everything worse. I think I need to have faith now more than ever. I need to trust that there’s a guy out there for me who’s going to love me for who I am, with or without makeup, a guy who’ll see my flaws and accept them, a guy who will help me become a better person. I have to trust. I guess it’s just hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel right now because I’ve been so unsuccessful in this area of my life.

I really could use a friend tomorrow, so I’m going to grab dinner with one of my friends, we’ll call him Andy, after my last class. I just want someone to talk to and he said he’ll meet up with me. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this already, but the thing that bothers me the most about this situation is that I bet he (the guy I like) is not as affected by this as I am. He supposedly doesn’t let anything bother him, so I’m worried that he doesn’t even care that I’m not talking to him right now. I mean, he was fine talking to that girl today. I don’t understand how he can just move on like that so quickly. I will never be able to begin to express my frustration and pain. But I’m going to go to class like nothing’s wrong. I don’t want him to see me suffer because I think that’s the WORST thing I could do right now. It’s a good thing I’ve got other friends in that class I can talk to.

But I definitely didn’t like what I saw this morning. The thing is, I knew that I was going to be disappointed in the end. Our “friendship” was based on words…not actions. Now I’m paying the price. I’m so stupid sometimes, that I think that maybe I’m better off not being in a relationship. I mean, obviously, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I know that people say you find what you’re looking for when you stop looking for it, but this is driving me crazy. All I want is to have a guy in my life who will love me, treat me with respect, and shows me that he wants to be with me. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.

Now that I think about it, I’m noticing a pattern I’ve developed. This isn’t a bad thing, but I’ve noticed that pretty much every guy friend I’ve had in my life is gay. I wonder why this is…perhaps it’s because I know they can’t hurt me in that way. I’m going to be real for a second. I don’t think a guy and a girl can just be friends without one developing feelings for the other at some point (unless you’re in my situation, where that’s just not possible). That’s my opinion and I’ve got proof in my own life for justification. As much as I want to forgive “Tom” right now, I can’t, and I don’t know when I will. It’s not that I’m trying to hold a grudge or anything. I really want him to see that what he did was not okay. I even told him in my Facebook message that things will never be the same after this…no matter how hard he tries to believe that. I don’t even think he realizes that. Just because I’m mad at him right now, doesn’t mean I don’t care about him. I’ll still be here for him, but I can’t be a friend to him RIGHT NOW. It’s just too painful.

As much as I don’t want things to work out with this girl, that’s not being a good friend. I know that if two people are meant to be together, they’ll find their way back. I don’t know what it is about him that I’m still so very attracted to, but I need to believe that. If we are truly meant to be together, then it will happen. But something is telling me that this is it. I’m friend-zoned from here on out.

Okay, this was way longer than I intended it to be. I’m so sorry. I really need somewhere to let everything out. I can’t keep my emotions bottled up any longer. I can’t wait to have dinner with my friend tomorrow, because I need this. I need to talk to someone and get some advice. I feel so lost right now.

-beautifuldarkmystery

frustration and constant self-doubt.

Perhaps I’m making a huge deal out of this, but I can’t help but feel that I have a right to my feelings and no one should have to justify them or say they’re wrong when it’s me who’s experiencing them…if that makes sense. Maybe you guys can help me out or give me some advice or just tell me that I’m absolutely crazy. So here’s what’s happened.

I’ve been volunteering at this film festival because I’m a film major and I want to start somewhere and get some sort of insight/experience. On Friday evening, I left my water bottle at the venue and I didn’t realize it until I got home…let’s just say I don’t live down the block. I don’t know if anyone else is like this, but it drives me crazy when I lose something…even something as silly as a water bottle that could totally be replaced. I get this weird paranoia, and I don’t really know how to explain it other than that. Anyways, it was bothering me so much that the next morning I decided I was going to go back and see if it was still there. I told my mom and she said it was okay.

As soon as I got there, I went to the place where I was working and sure enough, there it was. Just as I was on my way out, my supervisor saw me and asked me if I could help up front. I wasn’t scheduled to work on Saturday but because they were short-staffed, I felt obligated to help. The volunteers have been really flaky this year (I don’t know how this compares to other years because this is my first year volunteering for the festival, but it’s been like this the whole week). So I call my parents and let them know that I have to work, but that I could try and leave by two. Our shifts are split into two, there’s a morning shift from 8AM-2PM and an evening shift from 2PM-7PM.

The night before, my parents told me we were having dinner Saturday night with my grandparents because they felt bad they never did anything for my mom’s birthday. I bet you all know where this is going, right? The volunteers who were supposed to show up for the 2PM-7PM shift never showed up so I had to work that shift as well. I called my mom and she was upset with me. When I got home, she acted as though nothing had happened, which made me mad because hours earlier she was mad at me. She then asked me why I looked like I was about to cry and before I could say anything, I ran to my room and lost it.

In that moment, so many emotions were running through my head. Here I was, trying to teach myself some responsibility by working at this festival…it’s almost like having a real job, except I don’t get paid. Now I was in trouble. I’ve gotten mad before, but not so mad that I wanted to punch a wall. That’s how I felt. My mom came in my room and told me to knock it off and now she was mad at me again. Every time I get upset, I can’t be in the same room as her because she gets mad at me for getting upset. That’s why I left before I could break down. I didn’t want to do it in front of her.

Later when things cooled down, she tried to talk to me but I was so pissed I told  her I didn’t want to talk about it. I was upset, I was crying, I was a mess. I wanted to talk to her, but not like this…not when my emotions were everywhere. When I finally DID try to explain to her, she told me I was full of shit. Those were her words.

Okay, I’m not trying to make my mom the bad person here. I understand why she was upset. We had made obligations to go to dinner and I disappointed her (a phrase she told me over and over…I got it the first time). I apologized repeatedly and told her it would never happen again. She said the reasons why she was upset with me was A) It was irresponsible of me to flake out on this family dinner when she had told me the night before that we were going, so I really had no excuse and B) I “lied” to her by not telling her I was working on Saturday. Honestly, I didn’t know that I was going to work, I wasn’t even dressed in business casual attire, but I guess I should have told her that I might be working before I left because I knew they were short-staffed and I knew there was a chance I could be snagged. She just wanted me to communicate better with her on my behalf and that’s understandable and I could see where she’s coming from and why she was upset with me.

But here’s my defense. My mom knew weeks in advance that these next couple of weeks were going to be extremely busy for me. She knew I was working weekends at this festival. I don’t understand why she would plan this dinner on a weekend I happened to be working. When she told me the night before that we were going to dinner, she said she didn’t even know which day I had off, so why go ahead and plan it anyway? In addition, what if, hypothetically, they called me Friday night and told me I had to work Saturday morning? Am I supposed to say no?

The point is, I get why my mom is upset, but I hate when she talks down to me and tries to tell me that my feelings are “wrong.” She’s NOT me. She doesn’t know what I’m thinking or how I feel. This “tension” has been going on since I started college. I’m living at home with my parents, which makes it hard for me to be able to make decisions for myself sometimes. When I feel like my life is going somewhere or that I am making good decisions, here comes my mom to make me feel otherwise. It’s frustrating at times and I definitely had a breaking point on Saturday night. I hate going to bed upset and waking up the next morning upset. It’s not a great way to start the day.

Another thing that made me mad was that when she was trying to talk to me, she asked me, “Do you wish you didn’t live at home like “Melody” (my sister) so that you could make these decisions for yourself? I was livid, but I didn’t say anything. There are definitely times I wish I didn’t live at home…I think that’s a huge part of the reason why I feel like I can’t make these decisions and I’m technically an adult now. It’s frustrating. How many times have I said that?

I try my best to please my parents and make them happy so that they don’t have to worry about me, but it’s difficult, especially when it comes to my mom because she IS a very opinionated person with a strong personality. With someone like me who’s on the other end of the spectrum, sometimes it’s hard to talk to her. She’s definitely been giving me mixed signals.

I don’t know, after that night I’m beginning to question how damaged my self-esteem and confidence really is. I mean, I was really upset…but it’s hard to tell how much of that emotion was from the frustration because A) I had worked from 10AM-7PM that day and B) I didn’t eat all day. So I definitely think some of that stemmed from those other two factors as well. I could try to explain this to her, but I feel like no matter what, it’ll always seem like I’m making excuses for myself. But maybe that’s just me.

-beautifuldarkmystery