do it for you and not anyone else.

The older I get, the more I’m learning about myself. But that’s how it’s supposed to go, right? Well, right now I’m in a situation where I don’t really know what I want to do with my life or what direction I want to go. I thought I did, but I’m lacking that fire, the passion that everyone around me has.

I recently applied for a job that I really want. I have not heard back from them yet, but if I do hear from them, it should be some time soon. The weird thing is that I haven’t wanted something so badly in such a long time. I kind of put all my eggs in one basket with this because I have not been looking at other jobs, I haven’t applied anywhere else. I know it’s crazy, but I want to hear from them first.

One of the main reasons why I want this job is because I want to push myself. I’ve always been a quiet and passive person, and I’ve heard that those qualities are ones you’re born with and can’t change, but I believe I can. By no means is it going to be easy…because what may come easily to others does not come as easily to me…but I know that if I really push myself outside my comfort zone, I can achieve what I consider impossible.

It’s one thing I’ve learned from past internships. I’ve surprised myself and done things I never thought I could do. It’s all about how much you want it and how far you’re willing to push yourself. It was very uncomfortable for me…something as easy as talking over a walkie to yelling and being loud (something I’m definitely not used to), but I did it enough times and it became comfortable. With practice, I felt more and more confident.

I’ve always been the type of person to believe when someone tells me I can’t do something. It’s a terrible mindset to have and I know I’ll never achieve anything with that kind of attitude. But as I’m growing older, I’m learning that, it’s more important to do it for yourself and not anyone else. I don’t owe anyone anything. If I want to push myself and I want to reach a certain goal, I have to do it because I WANT it.

I know it seems like common sense, but this is yet another one of those lessons that’s taking time and I’m going through it right now. I don’t think I’ll end up where I currently am. I don’t think this is my calling or what I’m meant to do. People may ask me, “Well, then what would you want to do?” I don’t know the answer. As frustrating as it is, I have to remind myself that it’s okay that I don’t have all of the answers. Things will happen for me when they are supposed to happen and if this job opportunity works out, then great. If not, then it’s not meant to be.

All I know is that I haven’t felt this passionate about something in a long time. I haven’t wanted something so badly in a long time. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I don’t want to lose hope either. Until then, I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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it’s for the best.

Things are going great…and even though I’m sad that he’s not a part of my life anymore, I know that this is for the best. I need to learn to focus on the positive and not so much on the negative. I’m not saying avoid them completely…but more like, acknowledge that they’re there, but don’t dwell on them.

The hardest part is waiting for that right person to come along who will change your life forever. I hope it’ll be worth the wait…because I feel like I deserve to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.