i know it’s wrong.

It’s utterly and completely wrong. How can I love and want to be with someone who’s not completely sure how he feels about me…or at least, that’s how it’s coming across. I don’t get it. In a lot of ways, I can do a lot better…no offense to him. Has anyone else been in a situation like this before? What did you do?!

This is someone I’ve had deeply rooted feelings for over the last three years and unfortunately, in my case, they’ve only grown stronger. I say unfortunately because I feel like this relationship is toxic in a lot of ways, yet I continue to subject myself to it, causing unhappiness and a little anxiety if I’m being completely honest. How can I want something so badly that’s so wrong for me at the same time? It makes NO sense to me. I’ve never been in a situation like this before.

To give a brief summary of our history, it goes a little something like this. We met three years ago and had a crush on each other. But because we both are awkward and shy people it took about a year for one of us to finally confess our true feelings. From there, we tried to pursue something more. Unfortunately, he was the one who backed out because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship we had. My heart was broken. About a year later, we tried again…and the same thing happened. He broke my heart a second time. A few months ago, he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, and he was serious this time. We had a relationship that lasted for a grand total of…two months. I blame timing for this one because, yes, we were finally on the same page and things were starting to move forward and going the way we wanted. However, this also had to be the summer I was extremely busy traveling. Therefore, we didn’t have much time to establish anything. By the end of the summer, I was moving and we were both hesitant about doing long distance. Do I believe long distance relationships can work? I do, but only if both people have been together long enough to feel confident in being away from each other for a long period of time. Sadly, that wasn’t the case for us. We were just beginning our relationship. And unfortunately, I was the one who ended it. I didn’t want it to have to be that way, but everything he was saying was giving me doubts and I didn’t want to continue to put myself through that anymore. Now basically, since I’ve moved, we’ve had ups and downs…some days he still talks to me like I’m still his girlfriend, and other days he talks to me like I’m an acquaintance. I don’t understand where he’s coming from. And, not to mention, every time that we’ve seen each other since the break up, we always end up kissing and hugging, and acting like we’re in a relationship again. So obviously, the feelings are still there, I just don’t know what we’re doing. Wow, I know I said I was going to keep it brief. Oops.

Recently, I found out he’s going to be moving closer to me starting January of next year. We’re going to be fifteen minutes away from each other. I know that things happen for a reason, and maybe this is our chance to start over and really develop something. But I’m scared at the same time because I know we’re both going to be working and I just hope he makes the time for me because I’d do it for him. He’s always been someone good with words and by that, I mean he says a lot of things but doesn’t follow through with them.

There have been a lot of red flags but I’ve chosen to ignore them…so I guess I can’t really complain. But I just don’t understand the psychology. How can I love someone who doesn’t make me feel special? How can I love someone who wouldn’t do anything to keep me in his life? How can I love someone who can’t even take me out on a proper date? (Yes, that’s right…we never went out on a single date when we were together). I wish I could get rid of all those feelings and start over, but he has my heart and that frustrates me. I know that a part of me will always love him no matter what, but I definitely feel like I deserve to be treated better than he has been treating me. Well, when we met up a couple of nights ago, I got the feeling he’s still in love with me, but I wasn’t convinced and that’s the thing. And if I tell him this, I already know what he’ll say in response, “Well how can I convince you?” That’s the whole reason we broke up…was because we couldn’t find the solution to our problem. So why get back into something that I know is going to end terribly? It’s because I’m one of those people that doesn’t want to give up. I want to give it another shot, even though I know it’s probably going to end even worse than the first time. Why I choose to put myself through this pain (considering how badly it damaged me the first time), I have no idea. And what does that say about myself and my self worth? It’s kind of sad now that I think about it. I’m basically giving my all to someone who doesn’t deserve it and that’s a huge mistake right there.

He continues to tell me that there’s a place for us in the future, but if that’s going to happen, there needs to be some changes, and I’m not just talking about change from my end of the relationship. He has to recognize what he’s doing wrong and do something about that too, it can’t just be one way. And that’s where it’s going to go wrong. I already know because when we met up face-to-face, I told him that I know there are things about myself that I need to work on, and he didn’t say anything. He just told me, “It would make things a little easier.”

Well, Next year is it. If nothing has changed, I HAVE to move on. I can’t keep giving him more chances. Time’s up. I want to be happy and I want to be with someone who makes me feel happy. And I don’t want to “waste time” on the wrong person. Life’s too short. If things don’t work out this time, I’m going to have to force myself to move on. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.

– beautifuldarkmystery

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heartbreak and regret.

The last couple of days have been pretty rough for me. First off, I broke up with my boyfriend. I know, it’s crazy…we’d only been going out for a couple of months. But there’s more to the story. I am hurt, frustrated, lost, and regretful.

It all started when I came back from my trip. I hadn’t seen him for a whole month so I was looking forward to returning home and spending time with him before I have to move. Sadly, that wasn’t the case. Things started off great…he came over to my house the day I got back just so he could spend time with me. I had missed him so much and I’ll never forget the feeling I had when I saw him for the first time in 30 days. It was what happened after that was the beginning of the end.

A couple of days after he came over, I noticed we were a little distant. Okay, sometimes, I have a tendency to be really passive aggressive, and instead of telling someone what’s wrong, it translates into being pissed off. He brought up that when I get in moods like this, he doesn’t know how to handle it and it hurts him because he doesn’t know what to do…and that if it continued, he didn’t know how much longer we’ll last. Our conversations started to become stiffer and stiffer. (These conversations were all happening through text, which was not a good idea.) He also started saying things like he has doubts about our relationship whenever he doesn’t see me…meaning it gets difficult for him when we are apart. As he was saying these things, I started to become anxious and get way inside my own head, overanalyzing every little thing instead of just talking it out. As the week went on, I became more and more frustrated. On top of this, I was already dealing with other personal issues, so the timing of everything really sucked. I felt trapped and I had no way of getting out. We continued texting for the week and I was so paranoid that I kept asking him if this is what he really wanted. He kept telling me yes, but the way I was thinking was that he wasn’t happy and that he was staying in this only because it was what I wanted.

On Friday night, we met up and I ended up being the one breaking up with him. But the thing was, I just jumped to a conclusion instead of trying to talk it out like I wanted to. And I found out after the fact, that he had NO IDEA why I was upset. So if he didn’t know, how could he have fixed it? We were both upset. I broke down because I really didn’t want to do it, but I felt like it was what was best at the moment. We both left things on bad terms. Both of us were broken, hurt, and visibly upset.

I spent all of Friday night and Saturday morning absolutely miserable, crying my eyes out. I can’t remember a time I felt that upset over anything. It physically hurt, I could feel my heart breaking. I felt like I had no control over my emotions. And I think I felt ten times worse than he did because I was the one who broke up with him. I hurt him.

When I woke up Saturday morning, I checked my phone out of habit, expecting a text from him like usual. Sadly, there wasn’t one. I nearly went the entire day not talking to him. My mom hated seeing me so upset that it actually made her cry, and that didn’t make me feel any better about what was going on. She sat down with me and we had a talk. I decided I needed to talk to him again. So I texted him…I said I just wanted one or two hours of his time to really talk and we were originally going to do it Sunday because Saturday night, he had already made plans with his friend. But he said if I really wanted to meet up that night, he’d be there.

We met up, same time same place as the night before. He was very guarded when I saw him, which was understandable. I don’t think he wanted to give me a hug, but I gave him one anyway. Then we sat in my car and I started the conversation. It’s never easy to admit you’re wrong, but that’s exactly what I had to do…own up to my mistake, because I felt like I’d made a HUGE mistake Friday night. I told him I was willing to make some compromises and changes to make this work. There was a pause before he looked at me and said that he didn’t think it was a good idea. He said it was too soon and he was really destroyed Friday night. Yes, I was disappointed, but at the same time, I understood and he had every right to feel that way. But yes, I was hurt because I guess I was expecting the answer he gave me, but I was still a little hopeful.

He didn’t make me feel any better when he continued to tell me how the rest of Friday night went for him. He came home and talked to his sister and now she doesn’t like me very much. He said he was hoping that before we parted ways that night that I would have taken him back. That KILLED me because for the rest of that night, that’s all I wanted to do. I began to regret everything I said on Friday night, the way everything went down, the fact that I didn’t even give him a chance to explain his side of the story…and I ruined something good. We would have been perfectly fine if I would have just communicated with him on Friday night like I did on Saturday night.

When things got a little better, we ended up grabbing a bite to eat, and then we sat in his car for the rest of the night just talking and reassuring each other that we’re always going to be a presence in each other’s lives…that no matter what happens, we will ALWAYS be there for each other. We both agreed we’ve never fought for each other as much as we have for anyone else, and that what we have is something truly special. I almost felt as though we became even closer that night, no matter how much the circumstances sucked. So in the end, yes, we walked away on good terms, which is great because it could have ended a hundred other ways under much worse circumstances. But the fact that he was willing to meet up with me the day after I broke his heart and that I cared enough to reach out to him and talk to him and apologize for what I felt was a mistake on my behalf…that shows what type of relationship we truly have. We care enough about each other that much.

When we were just sitting in his car, it was a little rigid, only because we were used to being a couple and now we were trying to keep our hands off of each other. It was difficult because he kept staring at me and rubbing my leg as if we were still in a relationship. He’s a very physical person when it comes to that sort of thing, so his natural tendency was to touch me.

“What are you thinking about?” I said.
“Well, I want to say something, but I don’t know if I’m allowed to say it anymore,” he responded.
“Tell me.”
“You look amazing. That’s why it was so hard for me to look at you and say that I couldn’t take you back.”
“Oh, well thank you.”

We sat there and continued to look at each other. His hand was still on my leg. I put my hand over his.

“It’ll be okay,” I told him.
He gave me a look.
“What?” I asked.
“I really want to kiss you now and it’s taking everything in me not to do it,” he said.
“I know, it’s hard. Believe me,” I said.

To make a long story short, we gave into temptation and went back to being a couple for one more night. In hindsight, I don’t know that that was a good idea. At the time, I was thinking, well, it doesn’t really matter because I’ll be gone after this and I won’t be able to see him. But I shouldn’t have given him what he wanted because the next morning, he told me that this gave him closure to this step in our relationship. I kind of felt like if he didn’t want to go back to being in the relationship, I shouldn’t have let him treat me like his girlfriend when I wasn’t.

But now I need to move forward, even though it’s difficult at the moment. I’m a person who adores the small things…a good morning text, holding hands, cuddling, a kiss on the forehead…ALL of those things are the things I’m going to miss the most. I’m going to miss being close to him. I’m going to miss texting him all day, every day. I’m going to miss sitting on the couch with him watching The Big Bang Theory. I’m going to miss him telling me that he loves me. The sound of his voice, the way he used to look at me, like I was the most beautiful girl in the world. I’m going to miss the fact that he remembered every single detail of our relationship, from the day I said yes to him, to the first time he told me he loved me. I’m going to miss everything we’ll never have…how we saw a future together, living together, growing old together, the fact that we both wanted to go to Disneyland together as a couple for my birthday…but now none of that is ever going to happen.

Before the night ended, he told me he’ll never lose hope that one day this could work out, but sadly, I think I lost my final chance. I forgot to mention that there’s a possibility he cold be gone for a year and a half starting next January, and a LOT can change in that amount of time. Feelings could change. But I can only speak for myself, and I know that I truly love this guy. There’s no one else I can see myself with. I love him so much I was willing to really make some changes in my life in order to make this work, but I guess at the end of the day, it wasn’t worth it to him too…not saying that he doesn’t care, because I know he does. But we are different people and maybe I’m too much for him to handle. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to detach my feelings because I don’t think they will ever go away. I’ve felt this way about him for the last three years and the feelings are still strong; they just grew stronger once we were actually in a relationship. He will always have a part of my heart I will never get back…even if he moves on completely. I will always love him in a way I don’t love anyone else. He will always be that one guy I never lose feelings for. I know it may seem like I’m only saying that now because everything is raw and still recent…but I truly believe this in my heart…it’s why I held on for so long, it’s why I fought. The thought of meeting someone else seems unfathomable. I hate that I took away his happiness, I hate that I hurt him, I hate that I was the cause of his pain.

-beautifuldarkmystery

What challenges and obstacles do you face in your relationships? How did you work it out?

the heart wants what it can’t have.

I’ve never really understood what that meant until this year…when I realized that the guy I was falling for, woke up one morning and felt differently. I haven’t even been in love yet, but with these experiences I’ve been having, I’m fearful more than ever about falling in love.

I want to talk to him this weekend but I feel like that’s going to be pretty much pointless. In the end, it’s going to be me who pours my heart out, only to run right into a brick wall. There are some days I wish I never met him because then I wouldn’t be feeling any of this. But at the same time, I can’t regret all of the good times we have. I want to replay those memories instead. But the mind has a way of finding the negatives, especially my mind.

With my ex, yeah I was hurt when we broke up and it took me what seemed like forever to get over, but with this guy…I feel differently…worse. I felt like we were so close and then he changed his mind. It sucks always being the one who cares more…who wants the friendship/relationship more. For once, I want someone to be afraid to lose me. For once, I want someone to show me he cares.

Despite what’s happened…despite how dysfunctional this friendship is, there’s still a part of me that wants to be with him. Is that wrong? I told myself I would never be the type to fall for the “wrong guy,” but I guess, once you’re actually in the moment and you’re experiencing it for yourself…some things change. There are certain things I will never sacrifice, like my morals and values. For me to be in any relationship with a guy, he has to be able to respect, or even better, share those values.

It’s late and I’m tired. I’m probably not even making sense anymore. So I think I’ll just stop here…

-beautifuldarkmystery

untitled.

Well, this week will be interesting, since we’re talking again…no more awkwardness or tension in class, which I guess is a good thing, right? I don’t know. I just hope I don’t regret this. On the bright side, the semester is almost done. I think I’ve got like five weeks left or something like that. Wow, only five weeks left…that is crazy.

Anyways, I’m trying to force myself not to like him anymore, but it’s difficult. I mean, I don’t know what his intentions were by telling me he liked me in the first place. I don’t even know if he really thought this was going to go anywhere. I want us to be together, but I’m conflicted. If I listen to my heart, he’s the one I want and he’s the one I want to be with. There’s something about him that I’m still attracted to…there’s still some sort of comfort or security. Like I’ve said before, perhaps it was because he had good timing. He came into my life when I really needed a friend…and he didn’t even have to say anything. His physical presence was that sense of security and stability. If I think with my head, we’re better off as just friends. He’s thrown WAY too many red flags and his actions don’t match up with his words. A huge part of me says that is he really cared, he would have thought about my feelings…if he liked me like he said he did, he would have acted upon it. But I don’t know his past. Maybe someone’s hurt him before and he’s scared to put himself out there again. And I know I don’t make that very easy for him sometimes…I’m not always the easiest person to talk to.

I value the opinions of my friends and family…they think I’m making a mistake…but they know that this is a battle I have to fight myself. They don’t know him like I do. They just know what I’ve told them. There’s a gut feeling telling me that this is supposed to work out. But I’m not going to force it. If this friendship is meant to be, then it will happen. We both know it’s going to take a little more effort going forward because of what happened, but I have no idea what the future has in store for us.

I had it set and decided in my mind that after we had that fight, that was it. That was literally the end. But then he re-enters my life when I least expect it.

-beautifuldarkmystery

thoughts.

It’s funny how certain people always have a way of coming back into your life. To be honest, I thought he was going to walk away. I figure he would have thought I was too much to handle or my personality was too strong for his. Like I said, he seems like the type to shut down when things get rough, but he came back. Now, I don’t know what his intentions are now that we had that falling out. I honestly don’t know the reason why he still wants to be friends with me, but I can guess a few.

  • Things didn’t work out with the other girl and wants to use me as a rebound
  • He wants to make up so it doesn’t have to be so awkward during class for the rest of the semester
  • He really misses me and thinks my friendship is worth keeping
  • Because we’re similar in terms of certain personality traits, maybe he thinks I can help him with that since I seem to be the more emotionally developed of the two of us

I’m not going to even begin to try and figure out what he wants. I just need to stay cautious, take things slow, and monitor his behavior. I’m still on the fence about this whole thing, but at the end of the day, real friendships are the ones that survive the tests and challenges. Real friendships are the ones where both people think it’s worth saving. I know this one’s worth saving on my end, but we’ll see about him.

And obviously, there’s always going to be a small part of me that likes him. I can’t help it. I’ve accepted the fact he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore, but true feelings never go away. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, because for all I know…he could really turn around and prove me wrong. That would be ideal. I mean, he’s had about a month to think about what he did. I made it very clear to him though…he has A LOT to prove to me. And I’m not putting it all on him. I need to make some compromises as well, one of those being that I have to accept the fact he’s not comfortable talking face-to-face about certain issues and topics. If he prefers to text me, I’ll have to allow him to do that. I think it’s sad that he can’t do that or refuses to learn how, but I mean, I can’t change a person. Accepting their flaws is something that comes with accepting a person for who he/she is.

It sucks to be the person who always strives to look for the best in people, even when they show me otherwise. I want to have hope that he can turn around, but you know what they say…old habits die hard. Once a person is set in their ways, it’s hard to change.

Next week will be interesting, that’s for sure. We’ll see what happens.

-beautifuldarkmystery

well that was unexpected.

So, it’s been over a month since I talked to him…then out of the blue, after class today, he texted me apologizing. We had a short talk about how we’re both willing to move past everything that happened and try to be friends again. I made it very clear to him though that he has a lot to prove to me if this is going to work and that he HAS TO communicate with me, even if he’s scared of how I might react. It all comes down to this…I don’t like when people are shady. I’d rather have you be upfront with me than try and avoid the issue or brush it under the rug. He agreed. So we’ll see if his actions speak louder than his words. I realize he’s not completely comfortable talking in person about issues so if he prefers text messaging, I’ll have to make a compromise. A friendship works both ways. I truly believe the real ones survive the challenges and come out stronger on the other end. I honestly think he needs me more than I need him, but I’m willing to work with him to try and get back to that place where we used to be. It might take a while and I let him know that my guard is up and just because I’ve forgiven him, but words are not enough. A person can say “I’m sorry” a hundred times and it’ll mean nothing. He really needs to prove to me that our friendship is as important to him as he claims. So I guess we’ll see what happens now. I was definitely NOT expecting that at all, and I let him know that I appreciated the effort he made. I appreciated that he apologized to me again and made that initiative. There are just some people you don’t want to give up and regardless of what happened in the fast, whether we had feelings for each other or not, he was always one of those people and always will be…no matter what anyone tells me.

I’m still not sure how I’ll handle the fact that he likes someone else now, but I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. I haven’t seen him around campus with that girl lately so I haven’t really thought about it. We’ll see…

-beautifuldarkmystery

What does friendship mean to you?

moving on.

Last night I was debating on whether I should give him a letter or not…I wanted him to know all the things I was going to say on Monday if we met up. I also wrote another letter apologizing for coming across so harshly with my words when I got upset with him. However, I also told him I don’t regret what I said. I can’t be friends with someone who won’t communicate with me.

I was so nervous this morning. I walked into class and saw him sitting at his desk, reading one of his comic books. I walked up to him, slid the note on his desk, and walked to my seat. From where I was sitting, I didn’t want to look back and see if he was reading it or not, but I really wanted to know. Here’s my reason for doing this. I didn’t want him to get the impression that I simply gave up on our friendship. I gave him my word and said I will always be here for you if you need me, and I never back down on my word. However, I also said that we can’t be friends unless we’re on the same page. I hope that one day we can reconcile and have things back to the way they were, but truthfully, that’s going to be a long, long, way down the road, if at all.

I think I would have regretted not giving him the letter because on my end, I wanted to know that I did everything I could to be a good friend, to SHOW him that I will be there for him. I would be a hypocrite if I said one thing but acted differently. I’m not a fighter, and I don’t like going through these fights with people, especially the ones I really care about. But I don’t think he realizes that the reason why I am frustrated is BECAUSE I care. But at this point, I can only control my own thoughts and feelings. The only thing to do from here is to move on and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

It’s just a really sad situation. Here’s someone I truly care about and I want nothing but the best for him. Yet, he doesn’t even see that anything is wrong. To him, all of this is normal. I honestly don’t think he’s ever had someone stand up to him like this. I think he’s gotten so comfortable with sweeping problems under the rug, or he’s surrounded himself with people who act as though nothing is wrong. Now he’s lost a friend because of this behavior and to tell you the truth, I still don’t believe he’ll see anything wrong with it. In his mind, he’s probably thinking, “That’s okay, I’ve got plenty of other friends, this doesn’t bother me.” Well if that’s the case, then I really know where we stand now.

I hate that I care so much sometimes. For once, I want those actions to be reciprocated. I don’t think it’s much to ask for. I thought I had something really great with this guy, but now I’m realizing that his words were nothing but empty promises. I’m just hoping that all of this “bad luck” I’m having with friends means that God has someone really special and really important who’s going to come along and make me realize that all these obstacles and waiting was worth it. I’ll keep praying about it if I have to.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t thinking about it right now. I’d also be lying if I said I wasn’t bummed out about losing this friend. But at the same time, I’m also thinking, life’s too short to surround yourself with people that give you less than what you deserve. Truthfully, I do feel “happier” now that we’ve cut ties. I felt it, I the weight being lifted like I said, and it was like my whole mood changed. But of course there will always be a smal part of me that misses him because there was obviously something that attracted me to him in the first place. Plus we spent a really great year and a half being friends. Sometimes, you really have to think about what’s best for yourself.

These last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult for me because I was beginning to see his true colors and the type of person he really is. I wanted to believe his words, “I’ll always be here for you,” “You’re one of the most important people in my life,” “I value our friendship,” “You mean a lot to me,” etc. But actions will always speak louder than words. I’m the type of person who always strives to see the good in people because that’s just the kind of heart I have. I can see all these red flags, but still give them the benefit of the doubt. But I know at some point, I’ll need to come to terms with all of this and move on. Plain and simple. I will be okay and I am so glad spring break is just around the corner. The timing couldn’t have been better. I would hope that he thinks about what I’ve said during this week we have off and seriously think about our friendship, but I can already guarantee that’s not going to happen. From the patterns of behavior I’ve seen, he’s going to hang out with his friends, do everything he can to stay occupied just so he can avoid thinking about this. But I’m not going to even try to figure him out because I’m exhausted and it’s just not my place. I can’t believe I’m going to take advice from him right now, but when I was having a bad week one time, he told me, “all will be well.” That’s how I have to look at this situation. It’s his loss.

-beautifuldarkmystery