thanksgiving 2012.

Sometimes, I wish certain memories weren’t attached to certain days…especially holidays. I hate to keep bringing up the past, but this is what happens every single year around this time. Thanksgiving Day 2012 was the day he admitted his feelings for me. This was just the beginning to what would later be a roller coaster of a relationship. But at the time, I had no idea. I was just happy over the simple fact that for the first time in ages, the guy I had a crush on actually liked me back.

I often wonder how different things would be today if we actually made it…but when I start to have those thoughts, I have to stop myself because our story ended differently. It’s always tough to see the one you love move on, but it took my a couple of years to come to terms with the situation and realize that if things were meant to work out, I wouldn’t be sitting here fantasizing over the alternate ending.

He always tells me the week he spent with me in summer 2014 changed everything for him, but for me, it was that Thanksgiving night. It was the first time I started to see that wall come down and he started opening up to me. It was the first time I actually felt like I had a chance and that this was going to turn into something great.

Unfortunately, every Thanksgiving, the memories come flooding back and the saddest part is that he probably doesn’t even remember this. But because it was so special to me, I made sure I was never going to forget that night.

So instead of focusing on being sad that things didn’t work out (I think there will always be a part of me that feels this way because he was the first person I ever loved), I am choosing to focus on the other side of the coin. I am thankful that that night happened because if he never told me how he felt, I’m not sure that I ever would have told him because I’m too chicken. That relationship taught me more about myself than anything I had ever experienced. Even though it was painful and I was truly devastated and heartbroken when things ended, I grew stronger and wiser.

I’m not going to lie and say I don’t miss him, but I’m glad I can finally feel at peace with everything. We were never meant to last forever. We were no good for each other and I think we both realized that. And the fact that we can still be a part of each other’s lives without feelings of resentment towards each other is a great thing. I couldn’t be any more grateful for the way things turned out between us because I know it could have been a lot worse.

I’m happy I’ll be spending Thanksgiving with my family. The quality time is always nice and I look forward to creating new memories in the company of those I love the most. Happy Thanksgiving!

beautifuldarkmystery

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we got engaged.

We were at a concert with his sister, my sister, and my dad. The three of them wandered off somewhere so then it was just us. He told me that he hoped that we’d get to do something special together and I said this was something special. He reached for my hand and we sat there continuing to enjoy the concert.

After it was over, we went back to my house and we were just hanging out in my room. I walked over to the window, meanwhile he was preparing to ask the big question. When I turn around, I see him standing there so rigid and serious. I asked him if he was okay and he said yes. And then it happened.

He told me I’ve always been one of the most important people in his life, and that no matter how many challenges we faced over the years, nothing could ever tear us apart. He never lost faith. He always had hope that one day, we would try again and that it would finally feel right and work out the way we wanted it to.

Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a box and I started freaking out (and not in the good way). I put my hands to my face and kept saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, this isn’t happening, this isn’t happening.” And I kept repeating that over and over again. He got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I paused for a moment before saying yes. He put the ring on my finger and we kissed.

That’s when I woke up. I couldn’t believe I had a dream about getting engaged and it felt so real. But who was the guy? Well, none other than my ex, which explains why I was freaking out so much. This was marriage we were talking about here. Was I really ready to make that kind of commitment to someone who put me through so much emotional turmoil? If it never worked out before, what made me think that marriage would solve all those problems? I hope I’m not that stupid in real life.

All that matters is that it was just a dream and it wasn’t real. Phew! 🙂

beautifuldarkmystery

different this time.

I’m one of those people that tend to be very introspective and I can spend hours analyzing and dissecting my thoughts and feelings. It’s a blessing and a curse, in my opinion.

A couple of posts ago, I mentioned that I reconnected with an old friend who also happens to be an ex. I feel like I’ve explained our story/situation many times in previous posts, so I’ll spare you the pain. In short, we reconnected for the first time after not seeing or speaking to each other in nearly a year.

When we initially reconnected, I told him that I was thinking about asking if he wanted too hang out, but wasn’t sure how he would feel about it given our circumstances. He said he would be completely down, but that I would have to wait a couple of weeks because he was short on money. So I told him to let me know.

One week goes by, then two. Here I am again, waiting like an idiot for a message I’m never going to get. Pretty soon, nearly a whole month goes by and by this point, I just assume he doesn’t want to hang out. I see multiple check-ins on Facebook so I know he’s going out with friends and clearly has the money to do so. At this point, I was just going to let it go. It wasn’t worth getting into an argument. We’re not even really friends anymore, so what does it matter, right?

Well, one night,  I was sitting at my computer and something compelled me to go on Facebook and send a thoughtful message to each of my closest friends. I truly believe it was because just a couple of weeks earlier, Christina Grimmie was shot to death and then there was the Pulse shooting. Most of the victims were around my age and it it really affected me…that their lives were taken away in an instant, just like that. I know I shouldn’t need a reason to do this, but life is just too short and precious. I like to constantly remind my friends how much they mean to me and how important they are to me.

So I began sending out one message at a time. I had no problems writing from the heart and clicking that send button. But then, I got to him…as I sat there and contemplated whether I should send a message, the better half of me won and I basically told myself, it doesn’t matter what’s happened between us. If he meant anything to me, I would write him a message. It didn’t matter if he felt the same way or not. It didn’t matter that I had a fear of being rejected once again, even though there wasn’t any reason for me to feel any sort of rejection.

Within a few minutes, he messaged me back and said it was sweet. He then apologized for not getting back to me about lunch and I said it was fine. Then he asked me if I was available on Tuesday and I said yes and he said we’ll go to lunch then. Now I just felt awkward, because if I had never sent that message, he wouldn’t have brought it up. I got the feeling that he felt obligated to make plans with me, which didn’t make me feel all that great, but I wasn’t going to argue. I really had nothing to lose at this point.

Before I know it, Tuesday rolls around and I am having so many mixed feelings. I fixed my hair and did my makeup without going too over the top. I had to consciously remind myself that I wasn’t going to try and impress him. I didn’t even dress up either. I was pretty casual. My biggest fear about going into this whole thing was that the moment I saw him, all those feelings would come flooding back and I would be back to where I started. The reason why I cut him out of my life was because I needed to move on, and as long as he was still in the picture, that was never going to happen. My feelings were too strong. So before I left, I told myself to be strong and not take everything he says with a grain of salt. I anticipated it was going to be really awkward anyway, so I just told myself to do my best.

When I saw him for the first time, it was a little weird at first, just because it’d been nearly a whole year since we hung out just the two of us. He gave me a hug and I said it was good to see him. And then the moment I was waiting for never happened. I felt nothing. No butterflies (not even from nerves, I was pretty calm surprisingly), all those feelings he once gave me when we were together, gone.

As we started to talk more, it became a little more comfortable like old times, but I still felt like I was the one initiating everything. If I didn’t, we would have been sitting there in complete silence. Honestly, at one point, I was thinking to myself that I wanted to get out of there because it was just too weird. A part of me wishes I would have been more upfront with him, cut the chitter chatter, and asked what his deal was. But, of course, being the person I am, I wasn’t going to be confrontational.

When lunch was over and we were walking to our cars, I told him that if he ever wanted to hang out, just let me know. I already know it’s not going to happen but I at least made the offer. My problem has been that I’m too nice. I let people take advantage of me. I make myself available to the others at their convenience when it’s not reciprocated. I was relieved it was over, but was still left with unanswered questions.

That night, I came across an old text he sent me years ago. It said, “Believe me when I say this. Unless you tell me to stop, I will always try to be a part of your life.” At the end of the day, it’s not my job to get all these questions I have answered. The truth is that I won’t know the answer to everything. Sometimes, I just have to let things be and take them for what they are. I’ll never know the real reason he wanted to reconnect. Maybe he still wants to be friends. Maybe he “just wants to keep tabs on me” without having to directly ask me. Or maybe he wants to try and rekindle our friendship/relationship again (although, that’s a bit of a stretch and highly unlikely). Whatever the reason, I’m just glad that we’re at a point where there are no residual feelings of anger or resentment towards each other. We both learned a lot from this, but if we can somehow be in each other’s lives going forward without feelings getting in the way, I am totally fine with that.

The most important thing is that I stayed strong and today was the day I realized that this situation no longer had control over me. I can finally rid myself of these demons and move on once and for all. I’m glad I did this because if I didn’t get all my questions answered, I still got closure. I know he’s going to find someone who will make him happy and that relationship will work in all the ways we didn’t. The same goes for me. I believe there’s someone out there who’d love what I have to offer. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

beautifuldarkmystery

soulmates.

They don’t always have to be in the romantic sense. I believe soulmates come in all different types. They’re simply people you felt you met for a reason, that you were always meant to find your way to each other.

It’s funny because my college ex was the first person I ever had this “feeling” with. When we first met, I don’t know what it was, but I felt that he was going to play an important role in my life. I knew he wasn’t going to be one of those people that comes and goes. He would stick around for a long time.

Long story short, we met in 2011. Since then, we’ve had about four falling outs, we went out for two months, and had a huge falling out post-relationship for nearly one year. Yikes. Not even trying to make myself the victim here, but I got hurt a lot, and mainly because I didn’t know how to stand up for myself. Because he was someone I wanted to be with, I did everything to fit his idea of the “perfect girl”, and boy, did that bite me in the long run. DON’T DO IT. Finally, because I didn’t know where we stood with each other, I needed a clean break, and I mean absolutely no contact with him whatsoever.

Anyway, every time I’ve cut him out of my life, he’s always had a way of finding his way back, which I find very strange. I’ve never been in a situation like this, but when I saw that he wanted to re-connect with me on social media, I figured okay, it’s been a year, I feel better about things, I won’t make the same mistake again, and let’s just be adult about this. So I think at this point, unless he does something to really piss me off, there won’t be a need to cut him off like that anymore.

And honestly, I don’t know why now and why at all. I don’t know if he did it to keep tabs on me. I don’t know if he did it because he missed me. I don’t know what his intentions are, but at this point, I’m just going to let it go. It is what it is.

Life sure does work in mysterious ways and I don’t know where we’ll be five years from now. They always say to never close the door completely on anything, but in all honesty, our ship has sailed. There’s no way we could ever be in a relationship again, and even if he was considering it, my answer still remains the same. I experienced more emotional turmoil in this relationship than with anything else I’ve ever been through in life. It sucked. Our friendship will never go back to being the same either. We can’t simply erase all that history and start over like it never happened. But we can move forward.

We did meet up today for the first time in a year and it was definitely awkward, but tolerable. The more we talked, the clearer it became to me that this will never work out moving forward, and that’s okay. But, I think whether he wants to admit it or not, we do have a special bond, because no matter how far he wanders away from me, he always finds his way back.

I don’t like being on bad terms with people, so it’s nice to know that we’ve reached mutual grounds and that there are no residual feelings of resentment towards one another. We’re pretty much as okay as we can be given the circumstances, and honestly, I can live with that. I am content. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I genuinely wish him the best and I hope he ends up with someone who can make him happy in the ways I could not. True love is wanting the best for someone, even if you’re not in the picture. If this was a year ago, I would have been jealous at the thought of him being with someone else, but now that that’s sort of a reality now, I’ve come to terms with it and accepted it and I am okay with it! I never thought I would be, but I guess that goes to show how much I’ve learned about myself in the process.

beautifuldarkmystery

a new chapter.

Last month I reconnected with an old friend/ex. Long story short, we met in college, had feelings for each other for about three and a half years, but didn’t make it official until after I graduated college. I flew to New Mexico to work on a movie, which put strain on our relationship, and it ended before it even had a chance to begin. Not to mention, I moved after graduation and he was still in school, and we both didn’t think we could make it long distance.

Anyway, after he graduated (which was the following year), he moved closer to me but for work reasons. We hung out for a little bit, but I could tell things had changed and he wasn’t very upfront with me about how he felt. It caused a lot of strain and tension to the point where I’d had enough and I decided to cut him out of my life completely. I didn’t tell him I was going to do it. I just silently removed myself from the picture. If I wanted any chance of ever moving on from him, this was my only option.

About a year goes by and at that point, I figured I should just accept that this is how it was meant to be and as unfortunate as the situation was and the fact that I had lost a friend in the process, there are a million other ways this could have ended and it could have gotten nasty. But it wasn’t. We were never intentionally malicious to each other. We were just frustrated. So for one year, I didn’t see or speak to him, until one day, one of our mutual friends was visiting the SoCal area and invited both of us to hang out with him, not really knowing what was going on between us.

It was so awkward when we saw each other because there were months and months of not being in each other’s lives…and it’s not easy to forget all that history we had, even though it had been a long time since we went out. But by the end of the night, things seemed as normal as they could be for the most part and we seemed to be on mutual terms. He had no feelings of resentment towards me for how I ended it and I no longer carried any resentment towards him after everything he put me through.

A few more months go by and we would text each other here and there, but it was always small talk and he would abruptly end the conversation by not replying. At this point, I accepted that this was the new “us.” There was no way our friendship could go back to the way it was before any of this happened.

But then one day, out of the blue, I happened to look at my phone and see a notification from Tumblr letting me know he started following me on Tumblr again. (After I had deleted him from my social media, he did the same to give me my space.) Not even a couple of minutes go by and then I get a notification from Facebook saying he wants to add me as a friend. It caught me off guard, but at that point, whatever had happened between us in the past was in the past and it was time to move forward. But the weird part of it all was that a few weeks before he reconnected with me, I had been thinking about reaching out to him. But I always had reservations, which told me I wasn’t ready.

My relationship with him was the first real one I had, and even though it only lasted a couple of months, the feelings were there for three and a half years. So after we broke up, it really affected me. There were some days I told myself that I was never going to get over this, that I would never be happy again. But I was wrong. Even though it was painful, I learned a lot about myself during that time. A broken heart is not an easy mend, but I finally got to that place I never thought I’d get to…that place of complete acceptance for our fate and that place where I could feel happy and content again.

I realize we’ll never be as close as we once were. I’ve also come to terms with the fact that it will never work out romantically between us either, and that’s okay. We may not be the best of friends, but if we can be friends, I am open to that. This is not the first time I’ve cut him out of my life. I’ve done it a couple of times in the past, but he somehow always found a way back into my life. This time is no different. To this day, I don’t know what made him decide to reconnect with me, but I won’t question it. I was almost positive that we were never going to be a part of each other’s lives again…that this was the part in our story where we’d go our separate ways. But the universe works in mysterious ways, and I have to be open to whatever’s thrown my way.

I won’t make the same mistake again. But if I didn’t give myself that year to properly heal and move on, I don’t think I would be able to do this right now, which says a lot. I’ve grown and learned so much about myself and relationships that will make me a better person going forward. I’m ready to start on a clean slate.

beautifuldarkmystery

hold on to that feeling.

You know that feeling you sometimes get when you just know that everything is going to be okay? I wish I could hold on to that feeling. I wish it never went away. I’ve been doing better for the most part…aside from the occasional slips and I fall back into those ruts.

I think the most important thing to focus on right now is how far I’ve gotten. This has been one roller coaster of a journey and sometimes, I can’t help but sit and think that this was a lot more difficult than it needed to be. Sometimes, I reflect on the decisions I’ve made and how I’ve handled certain situations and I wonder if maybe I did over-react or maybe I could have handled it differently. But there I go again…thinking about the past when clearly, there’s nothing I can do to change it. So why bother???

The fact that I still continue to try and justify my actions and choices makes me a little sad. I shouldn’t have to feel like I have to explain myself to anyone. I often wonder what he’s thinking…if he thinks I just simply gave up just because we’re not talking anymore…especially when I said I’d always be there for him and that I wasn’t going anywhere. Well, to be honest, I think we were both a little naive. I had to make the decisions I made in order to be happy again. I wasn’t happy with the way things were going. I wasn’t happy with the way I was being treated. There’s a difference between giving up and knowing when you’ve had enough. I’m a pretty tolerant person and it takes a lot for me to walk away, especially when I’ve fought so hard and so long for something/someone.

I need to stop worrying about what he’s thinking. His opinion of me shouldn’t matter. Right now, I need to focus on myself and focus on the people I still DO have…the people who genuinely care about my well-being and want to see my happy. I need to get rid of any toxins….any negative energy and give myself a chance to breathe and recollect.

to be honest, I don’t know if we’ll ever be friends again. As much as I want to, I have to think how having him back in my life would affect me…and after everything I went through with him, I don’t want to put myself through any of that all over again…especially when it’s taken me this long to make any sort of progress.

I know it sounds like all I’m doing is complaining, but I’m just trying to think out loud. My natural tendency is to overthink a lot of things…if only all of this was as easy as the flip of a switch, right?

-beautifuldarkmystery

strangers, again.

It’s funny how two friends can become strangers again. Someone you once knew so well, or, at least, you thought you did…is now just a name and face. I never thought that was possible, until I experienced it.

Yes, there are times I find myself wondering how he’s doing, if he’s happy. It seems like it. But sometimes, I want to know what he’s really thinking. We both know he’s always been good at putting on a facade, acting like everything’s okay. Well, regardless, I hope he’s happy.

I wish I could be a part of that happiness. I wish I could be a part of his present. But now he’s a part of my past. This is a time when we’re both experiencing important milestones in our lives and there are moments when I wish I could just share all of that with him. But then I remember our situation. I wish I didn’t have to be so extreme. I wish I didn’t have to cut him out of my life and that we could still be friends right now. But if I want ANY chance of moving on and being happy again, this is what I have to do.

It feels like I am mourning the death of a friend. There’s an emptiness inside of me, a void that cannot be filled. I miss having that one person I shared everything with. The one person I had some of the best memories with. Three years of it and now it’s gone, just like that.

It hurts, but I do the best I can. And I know that with each passing day, it will get better. But I will never be whole again. He has a piece of my heart I will never get back.

– beautifuldarkmystery