different this time.

I’m one of those people that tend to be very introspective and I can spend hours analyzing and dissecting my thoughts and feelings. It’s a blessing and a curse, in my opinion.

A couple of posts ago, I mentioned that I reconnected with an old friend who also happens to be an ex. I feel like I’ve explained our story/situation many times in previous posts, so I’ll spare you the pain. In short, we reconnected for the first time after not seeing or speaking to each other in nearly a year.

When we initially reconnected, I told him that I was thinking about asking if he wanted too hang out, but wasn’t sure how he would feel about it given our circumstances. He said he would be completely down, but that I would have to wait a couple of weeks because he was short on money. So I told him to let me know.

One week goes by, then two. Here I am again, waiting like an idiot for a message I’m never going to get. Pretty soon, nearly a whole month goes by and by this point, I just assume he doesn’t want to hang out. I see multiple check-ins on Facebook so I know he’s going out with friends and clearly has the money to do so. At this point, I was just going to let it go. It wasn’t worth getting into an argument. We’re not even really friends anymore, so what does it matter, right?

Well, one night,  I was sitting at my computer and something compelled me to go on Facebook and send a thoughtful message to each of my closest friends. I truly believe it was because just a couple of weeks earlier, Christina Grimmie was shot to death and then there was the Pulse shooting. Most of the victims were around my age and it it really affected me…that their lives were taken away in an instant, just like that. I know I shouldn’t need a reason to do this, but life is just too short and precious. I like to constantly remind my friends how much they mean to me and how important they are to me.

So I began sending out one message at a time. I had no problems writing from the heart and clicking that send button. But then, I got to him…as I sat there and contemplated whether I should send a message, the better half of me won and I basically told myself, it doesn’t matter what’s happened between us. If he meant anything to me, I would write him a message. It didn’t matter if he felt the same way or not. It didn’t matter that I had a fear of being rejected once again, even though there wasn’t any reason for me to feel any sort of rejection.

Within a few minutes, he messaged me back and said it was sweet. He then apologized for not getting back to me about lunch and I said it was fine. Then he asked me if I was available on Tuesday and I said yes and he said we’ll go to lunch then. Now I just felt awkward, because if I had never sent that message, he wouldn’t have brought it up. I got the feeling that he felt obligated to make plans with me, which didn’t make me feel all that great, but I wasn’t going to argue. I really had nothing to lose at this point.

Before I know it, Tuesday rolls around and I am having so many mixed feelings. I fixed my hair and did my makeup without going too over the top. I had to consciously remind myself that I wasn’t going to try and impress him. I didn’t even dress up either. I was pretty casual. My biggest fear about going into this whole thing was that the moment I saw him, all those feelings would come flooding back and I would be back to where I started. The reason why I cut him out of my life was because I needed to move on, and as long as he was still in the picture, that was never going to happen. My feelings were too strong. So before I left, I told myself to be strong and not take everything he says with a grain of salt. I anticipated it was going to be really awkward anyway, so I just told myself to do my best.

When I saw him for the first time, it was a little weird at first, just because it’d been nearly a whole year since we hung out just the two of us. He gave me a hug and I said it was good to see him. And then the moment I was waiting for never happened. I felt nothing. No butterflies (not even from nerves, I was pretty calm surprisingly), all those feelings he once gave me when we were together, gone.

As we started to talk more, it became a little more comfortable like old times, but I still felt like I was the one initiating everything. If I didn’t, we would have been sitting there in complete silence. Honestly, at one point, I was thinking to myself that I wanted to get out of there because it was just too weird. A part of me wishes I would have been more upfront with him, cut the chitter chatter, and asked what his deal was. But, of course, being the person I am, I wasn’t going to be confrontational.

When lunch was over and we were walking to our cars, I told him that if he ever wanted to hang out, just let me know. I already know it’s not going to happen but I at least made the offer. My problem has been that I’m too nice. I let people take advantage of me. I make myself available to the others at their convenience when it’s not reciprocated. I was relieved it was over, but was still left with unanswered questions.

That night, I came across an old text he sent me years ago. It said, “Believe me when I say this. Unless you tell me to stop, I will always try to be a part of your life.” At the end of the day, it’s not my job to get all these questions I have answered. The truth is that I won’t know the answer to everything. Sometimes, I just have to let things be and take them for what they are. I’ll never know the real reason he wanted to reconnect. Maybe he still wants to be friends. Maybe he “just wants to keep tabs on me” without having to directly ask me. Or maybe he wants to try and rekindle our friendship/relationship again (although, that’s a bit of a stretch and highly unlikely). Whatever the reason, I’m just glad that we’re at a point where there are no residual feelings of anger or resentment towards each other. We both learned a lot from this, but if we can somehow be in each other’s lives going forward without feelings getting in the way, I am totally fine with that.

The most important thing is that I stayed strong and today was the day I realized that this situation no longer had control over me. I can finally rid myself of these demons and move on once and for all. I’m glad I did this because if I didn’t get all my questions answered, I still got closure. I know he’s going to find someone who will make him happy and that relationship will work in all the ways we didn’t. The same goes for me. I believe there’s someone out there who’d love what I have to offer. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

beautifuldarkmystery

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a new chapter.

Last month I reconnected with an old friend/ex. Long story short, we met in college, had feelings for each other for about three and a half years, but didn’t make it official until after I graduated college. I flew to New Mexico to work on a movie, which put strain on our relationship, and it ended before it even had a chance to begin. Not to mention, I moved after graduation and he was still in school, and we both didn’t think we could make it long distance.

Anyway, after he graduated (which was the following year), he moved closer to me but for work reasons. We hung out for a little bit, but I could tell things had changed and he wasn’t very upfront with me about how he felt. It caused a lot of strain and tension to the point where I’d had enough and I decided to cut him out of my life completely. I didn’t tell him I was going to do it. I just silently removed myself from the picture. If I wanted any chance of ever moving on from him, this was my only option.

About a year goes by and at that point, I figured I should just accept that this is how it was meant to be and as unfortunate as the situation was and the fact that I had lost a friend in the process, there are a million other ways this could have ended and it could have gotten nasty. But it wasn’t. We were never intentionally malicious to each other. We were just frustrated. So for one year, I didn’t see or speak to him, until one day, one of our mutual friends was visiting the SoCal area and invited both of us to hang out with him, not really knowing what was going on between us.

It was so awkward when we saw each other because there were months and months of not being in each other’s lives…and it’s not easy to forget all that history we had, even though it had been a long time since we went out. But by the end of the night, things seemed as normal as they could be for the most part and we seemed to be on mutual terms. He had no feelings of resentment towards me for how I ended it and I no longer carried any resentment towards him after everything he put me through.

A few more months go by and we would text each other here and there, but it was always small talk and he would abruptly end the conversation by not replying. At this point, I accepted that this was the new “us.” There was no way our friendship could go back to the way it was before any of this happened.

But then one day, out of the blue, I happened to look at my phone and see a notification from Tumblr letting me know he started following me on Tumblr again. (After I had deleted him from my social media, he did the same to give me my space.) Not even a couple of minutes go by and then I get a notification from Facebook saying he wants to add me as a friend. It caught me off guard, but at that point, whatever had happened between us in the past was in the past and it was time to move forward. But the weird part of it all was that a few weeks before he reconnected with me, I had been thinking about reaching out to him. But I always had reservations, which told me I wasn’t ready.

My relationship with him was the first real one I had, and even though it only lasted a couple of months, the feelings were there for three and a half years. So after we broke up, it really affected me. There were some days I told myself that I was never going to get over this, that I would never be happy again. But I was wrong. Even though it was painful, I learned a lot about myself during that time. A broken heart is not an easy mend, but I finally got to that place I never thought I’d get to…that place of complete acceptance for our fate and that place where I could feel happy and content again.

I realize we’ll never be as close as we once were. I’ve also come to terms with the fact that it will never work out romantically between us either, and that’s okay. We may not be the best of friends, but if we can be friends, I am open to that. This is not the first time I’ve cut him out of my life. I’ve done it a couple of times in the past, but he somehow always found a way back into my life. This time is no different. To this day, I don’t know what made him decide to reconnect with me, but I won’t question it. I was almost positive that we were never going to be a part of each other’s lives again…that this was the part in our story where we’d go our separate ways. But the universe works in mysterious ways, and I have to be open to whatever’s thrown my way.

I won’t make the same mistake again. But if I didn’t give myself that year to properly heal and move on, I don’t think I would be able to do this right now, which says a lot. I’ve grown and learned so much about myself and relationships that will make me a better person going forward. I’m ready to start on a clean slate.

beautifuldarkmystery

free.

It’s been over a week now since I let everything set in, and honestly, I’m okay with it. I think, had this been a year ago, the story would be completely different. I think one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever have to make in life is letting go of someone you truly love. But they say if you really love something, set it free, right?

I’ve come to terms with the fact that right now, I need to focus on myself and getting my life in order. A relationship should be the last thing on my mind at the moment. I need to find work, I need to be self-sufficient, I need to know that I will be okay on my own first. Once I know I can do that, I feel like everything else will follow.

beautifuldarkmystery

 

happiness.

Sometimes, another person’s happiness doesn’t include you…and at some point, you have to be okay with that. I recently found out my ex got into another relationship and I was shocked at first, just because I wasn’t expecting it. I was suddenly hit with all these different emotions, sadness, anger, happiness, relief…it was very confusing and I could feel my moods quickly changing from one to the next. However, as I allowed everything to sink in and come to the realization that this wasn’t a dream, I came to terms with it and accepted that our story was never supposed to work out. There was no happily ever after for us, as much as we both wanted it.

Of course, being the person I am, I went to the girl’s profile to see who she is. She’s very pretty and seems to be into the same things as him, so what more could I ask for? He does deserve to be happy, just like anyone else. No matter what’s happened between us in the past, that doesn’t change the fact that I still want nothing but the best for him.

Do I miss him? Of course…I always will. Do I love him? Yes, I always will, even if it’s not in a romantic way anymore. But at this point in our lives, it’s best to just let each other live our lives. If our paths cross again, I’m always open to being friends again. But I’ve come to find that the more I try and push being friends, the worse it gets. Plus, because we haven’t really seen or spoken to each other in over a year.

To be completely honest, this is all still so new to me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel or react, but all I can do is listen to my heart and use good judgement. I’ve never felt what it’s like to see someone you used to be in love with now in love with someone else. Even though I haven’t physically seen them together, just seeing that relationship change was enough. But you know what? I am okay. I have accepted the entire situation. Our relationship is way in the past. It’s time to move on to bigger and better things.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about how things could have been, but what’s done has been done. But this was the day I was waiting for, and now that it’s happened, there’s nowhere to go but up. Even if he doesn’t consider me a friend anymore, I will always be here for him. He will always have a special place in my heart, even if it’s not reciprocated. His happiness still matters just as much to me as it did when we were in a relationship, even if I’m not in the picture anymore…even if I’m just some distant memory at this point.

There’s a lot that can be said about this whole thing, but then I feel like I would just be repeating myself. If there’s one thing I can take away from this experience, it’s that I grew from it and learned more about myself than I ever thought was possible. I can only hope that he feels the same way. This has been a strenuous journey, but now it’s over. It’s time to start a new chapter and move forward. For the first time, I feel like I can walk away from the situation at peace. And I couldn’t be happier.

beautifuldarkmystery

we don’t always get the closure we want.

Wow, I haven’t written anything here in a while. That’s partly because the last couple of months have been a bit busier for me. I wish I could sit here and say my life’s been full of exciting events that I’m dying to talk about, but that’s not the case. Although, something did happen last month that I’d like to reflect on.

So last month, I made the bold move of sending him an e-mail. At that point, it had been nearly six months since we spoke to each other and I just wanted to clear the air. I put a lot of thought into it. I spoke right from the heart because I wanted to know that, if this was our last exchange, that I got everything I needed to say off my chest and I can let it be. I’ve always been the type of person who searches for closure in any situation. Sadly, as I’m growing older, I’m learning that you don’t always get the closure you want.

It took him a few days to respond. Of course, when I wrote it, I had to tell myself that he wasn’t going to respond. As much as I wanted him to acknowledge I reached out to him, why would he? I was the one who cut him off. I was the one who decided to stop talking to him. I was the one who cut the strings. So he doesn’t owe me anything. Yet, I felt like I owed HIM something, which is also not quite right.

But anyway, I don’t know why I was expecting this heartfelt response, but when I read what he wrote, I was a little hurt, but not enough to put me in a tailspin. However, I would have rather him not reply at all than get the response I did. And THAT’S the moment when I knew that I’d done everything I could. This friendship could not be saved. We’re both at that point where we’ve just given up on each other…not because we want to, but because we have to. Even if this were to continue, it’d be toxic for the both of us.

So from that point on, I decided I was not going to tamper with this anymore. It’s better to let it be and let bygones be bygones. I don’t hold grudges. I’m not mad anymore. I can’t be disappointed anymore. It’s time to move on. I’ve spent more than enough time trying to hold on to something that was gone a long time ago. I’m a stubborn person, and as much as I felt like I gave up on him, obviously there was always a part of me that was still trying and willing to turn this around.

At some point in your life, you have to learn that people will never change. They’ll never be the version you want them to be. Sometimes, you have to pick up the pieces on your own and carry yourself through the pain. But no matter what happens, you have to realize that you’re not the bad guy. It takes two people to get to a place like this. As much as I took the blame, I have to tell myself that this wasn’t entirely my fault. But I’m not here to point fingers. I’ve accepted my wrongdoings, I’ve apologized for them, and now it’s time to move on…once and for all.

The worst part is that it’s always going to hurt a little. It’s going to hurt because I care. Sometimes I hate that I care so much, but there’s someone out there for all of us. It might take a little while until we find that person, but when we do, it’ll be worth it. Every heartbreak. Every ounce of pain we’ve ever endured. None of that will matter anymore once we find our other half.

– beautifuldarkmystery

hold on to that feeling.

You know that feeling you sometimes get when you just know that everything is going to be okay? I wish I could hold on to that feeling. I wish it never went away. I’ve been doing better for the most part…aside from the occasional slips and I fall back into those ruts.

I think the most important thing to focus on right now is how far I’ve gotten. This has been one roller coaster of a journey and sometimes, I can’t help but sit and think that this was a lot more difficult than it needed to be. Sometimes, I reflect on the decisions I’ve made and how I’ve handled certain situations and I wonder if maybe I did over-react or maybe I could have handled it differently. But there I go again…thinking about the past when clearly, there’s nothing I can do to change it. So why bother???

The fact that I still continue to try and justify my actions and choices makes me a little sad. I shouldn’t have to feel like I have to explain myself to anyone. I often wonder what he’s thinking…if he thinks I just simply gave up just because we’re not talking anymore…especially when I said I’d always be there for him and that I wasn’t going anywhere. Well, to be honest, I think we were both a little naive. I had to make the decisions I made in order to be happy again. I wasn’t happy with the way things were going. I wasn’t happy with the way I was being treated. There’s a difference between giving up and knowing when you’ve had enough. I’m a pretty tolerant person and it takes a lot for me to walk away, especially when I’ve fought so hard and so long for something/someone.

I need to stop worrying about what he’s thinking. His opinion of me shouldn’t matter. Right now, I need to focus on myself and focus on the people I still DO have…the people who genuinely care about my well-being and want to see my happy. I need to get rid of any toxins….any negative energy and give myself a chance to breathe and recollect.

to be honest, I don’t know if we’ll ever be friends again. As much as I want to, I have to think how having him back in my life would affect me…and after everything I went through with him, I don’t want to put myself through any of that all over again…especially when it’s taken me this long to make any sort of progress.

I know it sounds like all I’m doing is complaining, but I’m just trying to think out loud. My natural tendency is to overthink a lot of things…if only all of this was as easy as the flip of a switch, right?

-beautifuldarkmystery

it’s for the best.

Things are going great…and even though I’m sad that he’s not a part of my life anymore, I know that this is for the best. I need to learn to focus on the positive and not so much on the negative. I’m not saying avoid them completely…but more like, acknowledge that they’re there, but don’t dwell on them.

The hardest part is waiting for that right person to come along who will change your life forever. I hope it’ll be worth the wait…because I feel like I deserve to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.