new year, moving forward.

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything here. Not much has really happened, although this year is going to be an interesting one. I’ll start with New Year’s.

So basically feelings between me and my ex resurfaced that night and it’s frustrating at times because I never know where we truly stand. At this point, I’ve tried to accept that we’re not getting into a relationship any time soon. I try not to have too many expectations so I don’t end up disappointed and hurt. Yet, that seems to keep happening regardless.

Anyway, he moved closer to me this month (we’re about 15 minutes away from each other now) for work purposes. I’ve had mixed feelings about him living closer to me. On one hand, I think it’s great because we’ll get to see each other more frequently and it’ll give us time to work on our friendship. However, at the same time, it makes it difficult to try and move on…even KNOWING he’s so close to me.

Back to New Year’s. So, back when we broke up, I didn’t think we’d be spending New Year’s together. It can be a “couple-y” thing and when we were dating, I was really excited to get to spend these special occasions with him…Christmas, New Years, Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately, we broke up before then. I was back in town at the time and he was still back home, and we spontaneously decided to try and get a group together for New Year’s. It ended up being pretty successful. It was a good group and we all went bowling. After we bowled, the whole group headed over to a party but I decided not to go because my drive going back home was an hour long and I didn’t want to stay out too late, especially on a day like New Year’s when people drink and drive (which you shouldn’t do!!). He decided to stay back with me and not go to the party with the others. I told him he really didn’t have to do that because I wanted him to have fun. But he insisted. So we hung out, went to a small party one of his friends held at his place. I didn’t exactly get a New Year’s kiss, but as we were walking back to my car at the end of the night, it kind of just happened…we kissed, and then suddenly all those feelings re-surfaced and came back. I miss him so much, and I really wish we were still together.

Since then, like I said, he moved closer to me. He’s been extremely busy and we haven’t really talked that much since he moved, but he has surprised me a couple of times. I’ve said before, I try not to have expectations when it comes to him so that I’m not disappointed. But yesterday we hung out for pretty much the whole day. It was one of his days off and so we hung out, we treated me to lunch, and we had a good time. It’s difficult sometimes though because our natural tendency is to go back into couple mode and treat each other like we’re in a relationship, but I tried so hard to refrain from it. I feel like I keep giving him mixed messages.

I guess the point I’m trying to get at here is that…you never know what the future holds. The job he got, he could have been relocated to Florida. Instead, he ended up merely 15 minutes away from me. I didn’t think we’d spend New Year’s together, but we did. What this says about our relationship for the future, I have no idea. All we can do is focus on the now and focus on rebuilding out friendship and “starting over.” It’s difficult trying to do this backwards, but we’re making it work somehow. As for him, I don’t know if he’s met anyone yet or started developing feelings for other girls (I mean, it’s still pretty early, but I never know with him). I’ve tried to prepare myself for the possibility that this could happen, but just like with death, I don’t think there’s ever a way you can truly prepare yourself. If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen and I have no control over that. Yeah, it’ll hurt, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

This year is definitely going to test me in so many ways. But my main thing is that I want to stay positive and stay on the right track. I have a tendency of allowing people and situations to control me and it puts me in this really dark place. So the moment I feel like I’m starting to go down that dark path again, I try to fight it and stay positive. I have a lot of things to be thankful for and that needs to be my main focus. New doors will be opened, I’ll meet new people…and I have no idea what the future holds. But until then, I have to change my mindset and move forward. It’s a new year, a fresh start, time to get back on track.

– beautifuldarkmystery

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a new year, a new beginning.

I know that’s what everyone says, but I feel like this is true. I’m about to go into my last semester as a undergrad…after graduation, I’m moving to a different city…I don’t know what I’ll be doing by this time next year. It’s exciting yet scary at the same time. I’ve never been open to change, but I’m finding that as I get older, I’m becoming more open-minded. If you would have asked me if I wanted to live away from home four years ago, I would have said no. I always saw myself living near my parents and never really going that far away from home. But now I’m at that point, where I’m ready for a little independence. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s time for that next step.

I also feel like this move will also help me get over him. I mean, for the most part, we barely talk anymore, which is how it should be. The other night we were texting each other but it was so painfully awkward and dead so I ended the conversation. We never used to be like this, and it’s sad that this is how things are now, but that’s life…and you have to learn how to move on.

I’ve been keeping myself busy with production work so I haven’t really had the time for a social life, but honestly, I’m not looking for anything right now. I think I’m over these guys over here. They’re either bold and completely unafraid to make a move and come on strong…or they’re quiet and I have to play the guessing game. I feel like most of the guys that have liked me are the latter. I know because I talk to mutual friends, but shhhh you didn’t hear it from me.

I’m ready for this semester. I’m sad it’s going to be my last one, but I’m going to make it the best one. I can’t believe how quickly time has gone by. It feels like it was just yesterday I was starting my freshman year, but let’s not relive that again. I’ve grown so much as a person since then…and I’ve met wonderful people in my department. I think that’s what I’ll miss the most. I’ve never been surrounded by such passionate students and teachers. I can’t explain it, but it’s infectious. I’ve learned so much from them. I don’t want this to end.

But it’s time to move on…to bigger and better things. I’ll miss everyone I’ve crossed paths with here, but now comes the big test. How many of those people will I stay connected to?

-beautifuldarkmystery

project new year.

Have you guys heard of the “new year project?” You basically get an empty jar and fill it with good things that happen to you throughout the year. On New Years Eve, open the jar and read what you wrote. It’s a great way at focusing on the positive more than the negative…something I need to work on.

For you introverts like me, I highly suggest trying this out just for fun. I’ve started my “jar” (I’m using a smal box). I can’t wait to read about all the good things that happen to me this year.

– beautifuldarkmystery