old feelings.

Is it so wrong that I miss you? That I miss our friendship? Our talks? Our closeness? Is it wrong that I still yearn for things to be different between us? Is it wrong that I still think about you…a lot…

I feel guilty for cutting you out of my life and not letting you know. But you have to also understand that I needed to do what was best for me at that time. I felt like I didn’t owe an explanation. I just needed to do what I needed to do. So I shouldn’t still feel this guilt, right? I mean, it’s been over two years now.

I still think back to when we first met. Strangers. Just a couple of shy, awkward adolescents. We didn’t know anything about each other. We didn’t know the journey we were about to embark on. The ups and downs. Unsaid feelings. Miscommunication. The night you worked up the courage to finally ask me out.

We both knew we weren’t the best fit for each other, yet, we somehow made it work. We were different, but I think in many ways we were the same. I don’t know why I’ve been thinking about all of this so much. Especially lately. Maybe it’s because we’ve recently reconnected and are speaking to each other again. Or maybe I miss those feelings. Either way, there’s no denying that I miss my best friend.

I don’t know where our journey will take us next. With my poor track record, this is the point where we start drifting apart. No longer friends, merely acquaintances…to strangers who share a history together. I wish you nothing but happiness, even if it means I’m not in the picture. I just want you to be happy. I wish I could be a part of that happiness, but life doesn’t always work out the way you want it to.

Honestly, I don’t know how you’d react if I ever said any of this to you, but you won’t have to worry about that because you’ll never know. We had our chance. I blew it by walking out prematurely, but you have to admit that things weren’t getting better.

I’ve always believed that if something is meant to be, it will happen. If we’re meant to stay in each other’s lives, even if it’s just as friends, only time will tell.

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thanksgiving 2012.

Sometimes, I wish certain memories weren’t attached to certain days…especially holidays. I hate to keep bringing up the past, but this is what happens every single year around this time. Thanksgiving Day 2012 was the day he admitted his feelings for me. This was just the beginning to what would later be a roller coaster of a relationship. But at the time, I had no idea. I was just happy over the simple fact that for the first time in ages, the guy I had a crush on actually liked me back.

I often wonder how different things would be today if we actually made it…but when I start to have those thoughts, I have to stop myself because our story ended differently. It’s always tough to see the one you love move on, but it took my a couple of years to come to terms with the situation and realize that if things were meant to work out, I wouldn’t be sitting here fantasizing over the alternate ending.

He always tells me the week he spent with me in summer 2014 changed everything for him, but for me, it was that Thanksgiving night. It was the first time I started to see that wall come down and he started opening up to me. It was the first time I actually felt like I had a chance and that this was going to turn into something great.

Unfortunately, every Thanksgiving, the memories come flooding back and the saddest part is that he probably doesn’t even remember this. But because it was so special to me, I made sure I was never going to forget that night.

So instead of focusing on being sad that things didn’t work out (I think there will always be a part of me that feels this way because he was the first person I ever loved), I am choosing to focus on the other side of the coin. I am thankful that that night happened because if he never told me how he felt, I’m not sure that I ever would have told him because I’m too chicken. That relationship taught me more about myself than anything I had ever experienced. Even though it was painful and I was truly devastated and heartbroken when things ended, I grew stronger and wiser.

I’m not going to lie and say I don’t miss him, but I’m glad I can finally feel at peace with everything. We were never meant to last forever. We were no good for each other and I think we both realized that. And the fact that we can still be a part of each other’s lives without feelings of resentment towards each other is a great thing. I couldn’t be any more grateful for the way things turned out between us because I know it could have been a lot worse.

I’m happy I’ll be spending Thanksgiving with my family. The quality time is always nice and I look forward to creating new memories in the company of those I love the most. Happy Thanksgiving!

beautifuldarkmystery

proceed with caution.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss him anymore. The truth is that I will always miss him, what we had, what we were…but it doesn’t necessarily mean I want any of it back. Learning to distinguish between the two has been the most difficult part of the process for me. For the longest time, I didn’t know if it was him I wanted or the memories.

There’s still not a day that goes by that I don’t think about him and wonder how he’s doing. There’s a part of me that wonders if he feels the same. We haven’t talked or interacted at all since we met up a couple of months ago. Like I’ve said in previous posts, I don’t know why he wanted to reconnect and maybe that’s not for me to know or understand.

For the last four and a half years that I’ve know him, he is the one person who’s always found his way back into my life. It didn’t matter how many times I cut him out or said I needed space. I thought 2015 was it…everything was done and we were never going to speak to each other again. And just when I think I’ll never hear from him again, he pops back into my life. I guess life will always work in mysterious ways, and the people who are meant to be in your life will always be there.

I don’t know what the future holds for us. I don’t ever expect us to get back together again. I don’t even expect us to be close friends again. With everything that’s happened, there’s just no way. But I still find it funny that out of everyone I became friends with in college, the one person I had the most dysfunctional friendship/relationship with was the one who ended up moving near me. Weird how life works, right?

I firmly believe that whatever’s meant to happen will happen. Who knows? Maybe next year, we’ll rekindle our friendship again and actually be okay and be able to tolerate being around each other without feelings getting in the way or ruining things. That’s the thing about the future…you just never know. Just like I was 99% sure I would never see or speak to him ever again, there’s always that 1%.

I feel like I’m finally at that place where we can be friends again if time and life allow it. I will never close the door to our friendship, but I will always proceed with caution. There’s a saying, “Don’t run back to what broke you.” I know I need to be careful. There’s no way I’ll allow myself to retreat back to that dark place after we broke up. The most beautiful thing that can ever come from a break up is that you learn more about yourself. What you did right, what you did wrong, what you want in a relationship and what you don’t want, what you’ll compromise and where you’ll draw the line.

We may have only dated for two months, but it was two and a half years in the making. The feelings were there and we both knew it. But it doesn’t matter how long it lasted. I would have much rather gotten out sooner rather than later if I strongly felt like we weren’t going to make it. Does it suck that I didn’t have much trust and faith in the relationship from the beginning? Of course it does. But I would have rather known than to continue living life always wondering what could have been, especially since this relationship was the one thing I wanted most at the time.

I’m glad I can look back on how far I’ve come and know that I am okay. There are no more feelings of anger or resentment…..regret, especially. Everything happens for a reason. It’ll be interesting to see what the future has in store for us. Whether we ever rekindle our friendship or continue living life as nothing more than acquaintances. One of the weirdest parts about this journey has been that transition to being “strangers” again. When we hung out last month, I literally felt like I was sitting across from someone I didn’t know. It was awkward like the first-time-meeting kind of awkward. Yet, we share this past that cannot be erased, no matter how hard he or I try to block those memories out of our minds. Simply put, we’re strangers with history. And I’m okay with that.

If there’s anything I would want him to know, it’s that no matter what’s happened between us in the past and no matter where we stand today, if he ever truly needed a friend, I will always be there for him. I know I’m probably not the first person he would run to, but I will always be a friend. Last August we had a brief conversation through text and he said there were moments he was struggling and having a difficult time and wanted to reach out to me. I never said this to him, but it was nice to hear. To know that he still needed me and wanted that friendship meant something to me.

But anyway, I’ve gone on long enough. I’ll end with this. I firmly believe that you meet people for a reason, and the ones who are meant to be in your life will always find their way back, no matter how far they wander. It’ll be interesting to see where life takes us a year from now, five years from now…but you can guarantee I’ll have something to say about it when the time comes.

beautifuldarkmystery

different this time.

I’m one of those people that tend to be very introspective and I can spend hours analyzing and dissecting my thoughts and feelings. It’s a blessing and a curse, in my opinion.

A couple of posts ago, I mentioned that I reconnected with an old friend who also happens to be an ex. I feel like I’ve explained our story/situation many times in previous posts, so I’ll spare you the pain. In short, we reconnected for the first time after not seeing or speaking to each other in nearly a year.

When we initially reconnected, I told him that I was thinking about asking if he wanted too hang out, but wasn’t sure how he would feel about it given our circumstances. He said he would be completely down, but that I would have to wait a couple of weeks because he was short on money. So I told him to let me know.

One week goes by, then two. Here I am again, waiting like an idiot for a message I’m never going to get. Pretty soon, nearly a whole month goes by and by this point, I just assume he doesn’t want to hang out. I see multiple check-ins on Facebook so I know he’s going out with friends and clearly has the money to do so. At this point, I was just going to let it go. It wasn’t worth getting into an argument. We’re not even really friends anymore, so what does it matter, right?

Well, one night,  I was sitting at my computer and something compelled me to go on Facebook and send a thoughtful message to each of my closest friends. I truly believe it was because just a couple of weeks earlier, Christina Grimmie was shot to death and then there was the Pulse shooting. Most of the victims were around my age and it it really affected me…that their lives were taken away in an instant, just like that. I know I shouldn’t need a reason to do this, but life is just too short and precious. I like to constantly remind my friends how much they mean to me and how important they are to me.

So I began sending out one message at a time. I had no problems writing from the heart and clicking that send button. But then, I got to him…as I sat there and contemplated whether I should send a message, the better half of me won and I basically told myself, it doesn’t matter what’s happened between us. If he meant anything to me, I would write him a message. It didn’t matter if he felt the same way or not. It didn’t matter that I had a fear of being rejected once again, even though there wasn’t any reason for me to feel any sort of rejection.

Within a few minutes, he messaged me back and said it was sweet. He then apologized for not getting back to me about lunch and I said it was fine. Then he asked me if I was available on Tuesday and I said yes and he said we’ll go to lunch then. Now I just felt awkward, because if I had never sent that message, he wouldn’t have brought it up. I got the feeling that he felt obligated to make plans with me, which didn’t make me feel all that great, but I wasn’t going to argue. I really had nothing to lose at this point.

Before I know it, Tuesday rolls around and I am having so many mixed feelings. I fixed my hair and did my makeup without going too over the top. I had to consciously remind myself that I wasn’t going to try and impress him. I didn’t even dress up either. I was pretty casual. My biggest fear about going into this whole thing was that the moment I saw him, all those feelings would come flooding back and I would be back to where I started. The reason why I cut him out of my life was because I needed to move on, and as long as he was still in the picture, that was never going to happen. My feelings were too strong. So before I left, I told myself to be strong and not take everything he says with a grain of salt. I anticipated it was going to be really awkward anyway, so I just told myself to do my best.

When I saw him for the first time, it was a little weird at first, just because it’d been nearly a whole year since we hung out just the two of us. He gave me a hug and I said it was good to see him. And then the moment I was waiting for never happened. I felt nothing. No butterflies (not even from nerves, I was pretty calm surprisingly), all those feelings he once gave me when we were together, gone.

As we started to talk more, it became a little more comfortable like old times, but I still felt like I was the one initiating everything. If I didn’t, we would have been sitting there in complete silence. Honestly, at one point, I was thinking to myself that I wanted to get out of there because it was just too weird. A part of me wishes I would have been more upfront with him, cut the chitter chatter, and asked what his deal was. But, of course, being the person I am, I wasn’t going to be confrontational.

When lunch was over and we were walking to our cars, I told him that if he ever wanted to hang out, just let me know. I already know it’s not going to happen but I at least made the offer. My problem has been that I’m too nice. I let people take advantage of me. I make myself available to the others at their convenience when it’s not reciprocated. I was relieved it was over, but was still left with unanswered questions.

That night, I came across an old text he sent me years ago. It said, “Believe me when I say this. Unless you tell me to stop, I will always try to be a part of your life.” At the end of the day, it’s not my job to get all these questions I have answered. The truth is that I won’t know the answer to everything. Sometimes, I just have to let things be and take them for what they are. I’ll never know the real reason he wanted to reconnect. Maybe he still wants to be friends. Maybe he “just wants to keep tabs on me” without having to directly ask me. Or maybe he wants to try and rekindle our friendship/relationship again (although, that’s a bit of a stretch and highly unlikely). Whatever the reason, I’m just glad that we’re at a point where there are no residual feelings of anger or resentment towards each other. We both learned a lot from this, but if we can somehow be in each other’s lives going forward without feelings getting in the way, I am totally fine with that.

The most important thing is that I stayed strong and today was the day I realized that this situation no longer had control over me. I can finally rid myself of these demons and move on once and for all. I’m glad I did this because if I didn’t get all my questions answered, I still got closure. I know he’s going to find someone who will make him happy and that relationship will work in all the ways we didn’t. The same goes for me. I believe there’s someone out there who’d love what I have to offer. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

beautifuldarkmystery

beneath your beautiful.

For whatever reason, the song “Beneath Your Beautiful” by Labrinth popped into my head. It’s actually one of my favorite songs and it’s basically about letting your guard down and allowing someone to see past everything on the surface.

I know I touched on this in my last post, but in this one, I want to share a story about insecurity. I’m going to try and keep this short and to the point as possible. So here it goes.

As someone who’s trying to overcome insecurities of her own, I feel it’s important to let other people know they are not alone. Overcoming your insecurities is not a process that happens overnight or with the snap of the fingers. It could take months, maybe even years, but requires conscious effort.

I’ll be honest and say that I truly believe my insecurity was one of the contributing factors that ended my last relationship. I never felt completely uncomfortable around my boyfriend (at the time), and I was always super conscious of how I looked. He would always tell me how beautiful and sexy I was and how he thought I was perfect. My relationship became this vicious cycle of constantly seeking affirmation from someone else that I was beautiful. I became addicted. I needed to hear these words. I needed validation. That should have been a huge red flag, but of course, when you’re in love, you’re oblivious to many things.

Jealousy is an ugly trait to possess, and I am guilty of this. In my last relationship, I would secretly get jealous whenever he “liked” photos of other girls on Facebook. I would go so far as to go to those girls’ profiles and look at their pictures. Every single one of them was gorgeous, which infuriated me. Looking bad, I can’t believe how disgustingly jealous I was, and it really affected me. I would constantly update my profile picture in the hopes he would “like” it, because to me, again, it was affirmation that I was beautiful. It made me feel validated. But it was a self-destructive cycle I had fallen into and didn’t know how to get out of.

It wasn’t until the relationship was over and I gave myself a year without him in my life for me to even begin to see what was really happening. I couldn’t believe I became one of those girls jealous of other girls. I felt disgusted. I felt ashamed of myself. And that’s when I decided I needed to make a change.

As much as I wanted to get back into another relationship after the breakup, doing that would only temporarily numb the pain, not solve the problem. The issue was deeply rooted within myself. It was something nothing or no one could fix but myself.

My insecurities created these barriers that he could never see past. Because I felt like I couldn’t be myself without feeling self-conscious, it created this friction in the relationship that I could never get rid of. I am currently single and I’m not afraid to admit that. I’m not actively pursuing a relationship, however, should one present itself, I feel like I’m at a place in my life where I can allow it to happen without residual feelings from my last relationship.

I’d like to say that I am a work in progress. I’m not completely there yet, but I’m on my way. I remind myself every day that I don’t need someone’s words to validate my worth. I am beautiful. The reality is that there are many girls who are prettier and smarter than me, but I need to stop the comparisons. Jealousy is essentially wasted energy. It’s not worth it, and truthfully, if I feel jealous in the relationship, then I need to take a good look and re-evaluate because the cause of jealousy is insecurity.

So to all the girls out there struggling with self-image issues, you are not alone. I know we live in a media-driven society where the idea of beauty is this singular image, but don’t let that control your life. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and we need to embrace that we’re all different. You should never have to go out of your way to try and impress someone. Be your beautiful self and the rest will fall into place. If a guy doesn’t like you because of the way you look, say goodbye and move on. It’s not worth your time and energy.

Most importantly, you must believe in yourself. I know it’s difficult to do, but when you wake up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror tell yourself you’re beautiful. Here’s the challenge. Don’t just think the words, say them out loud. Trust me, this is something that’s still uncomfortable for me, but the more you do it, the easier it will become and the more you will genuinely believe it. When you learn to let go of fearing what other people think of you, it’s one of the most empowering feelings in the world. Remember that we were all created differently and we’re all beautifully unique in our own ways.

beautifuldarkmystery

 

be yourself.

I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about this before, but it’s worth mentioning again. This was one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned thus far in life, and that is…to just be myself.

I’ll be completely honest and say that I lost myself in my last relationship. I was so desperate to keep his attention that I would constantly change and upkeep my appearance, show an interest in the things he liked, even if it wasn’t reciprocated, and I went out of my way to make myself available to him whenever he wanted to hang out. As much as I want to go back in time some days and change everything I did, I don’t regret any of it because I learned so much about myself from all of it.

He loved girls with red hair. When we first met, I had brownish-red hair, but was in the process of trying to make it more red. But when I found out he liked redheads,my hair slowly started becoming redder. I mean, I guess it wasn’t a big deal at the time because I had been trying to dye my hair red since high school, but it never seemed to work. So at the time, it didn’t seem that big of a deal. But now looking back, I question whether I did that because I liked it or because he did. I guess it doesn’t really matter anymore.

He loved girls with glasses. Luckily, I actually need glasses to see and don’t just wear them for fashion. But when I found out he loved glasses, I started wearing them more often than my contact lenses. Hmm…starting to sense a pattern here. Every time I got new frames, I would post a picture to my social media in the hopes of getting his attention. Desperate, much?

He’s a total nerd. He loves comic books, he loves Star Wars, and he loves video games. I read my very first comic book because of him. I remember, one day, he brought one of his favorite comic books to school because he wanted me to read it. Of course, he always said I didn’t have to if I didn’t want to, but because I was so infatuated, I was going to do it. The one thing out of all three of those that I was most reluctant to but did it anyway, was watch Star Wars. One time, he brought over one of the movies and we watched it. No offense to anyone who’s a die hard Star Wars fan, but it’s not for me. Yet, I did it because I wanted to be his “dream girl”. I wanted to have the same interests as him. He taught me how to play Kingdom Hearts. This is one of his favorite video games to play. Luckily, I already had a PS2, so I wasn’t a total newbie. But it was an excuse to hang out and we were playing one of his favorite games.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was slowly turning into someone I wasn’t and it didn’t even phase me. It actually wasn’t until one of my best friends blatantly told me that I had changed that I realized I had. The funny thing is that I always swore I’d never change for a person because I thought that was stupid, yet here I was, falling into the same trap.

We were in a relationship for only two months, but this whole thing had been going on for a couple of years. In my mind, I wanted to make him like me and I was going to do whatever it took to be the perfect girl for him. I was so fixated on the thought that I became borderline obsessive. One night, I happened to be flipping through the channels on tv and came across one of the Spiderman movies. I immediately took a photo of the screen and sent it to him. He replied back saying that he was surprised I was watching a superhero movie at will (because he always thought he was “making me do things” because it was what he wanted). He then said that this made me more attractive to him, which, of course, only added fuel to the fire.

When all is said and done, at the end of the day, I can look back and look at the choices I made in the relationship and either think of them as mistakes or lessons learned. I didn’t realize how far I’d gone until we had broken up and I really had time to think about everything. I needed to separate myself from the entire situation in order to get a clear view.

If there’s anything I can tell myself going into my next relationship, it’s that I hope I never lose sight of myself like that ever again. As happy as I was being with him, there was a deeply rooted unhappiness that was buried beneath the surface, and that was because I wasn’t being my authentic self. It was somewhat of a show. It was definitely one of the biggest life lessons I ever learned.

beautifuldarkmystery

soulmates.

They don’t always have to be in the romantic sense. I believe soulmates come in all different types. They’re simply people you felt you met for a reason, that you were always meant to find your way to each other.

It’s funny because my college ex was the first person I ever had this “feeling” with. When we first met, I don’t know what it was, but I felt that he was going to play an important role in my life. I knew he wasn’t going to be one of those people that comes and goes. He would stick around for a long time.

Long story short, we met in 2011. Since then, we’ve had about four falling outs, we went out for two months, and had a huge falling out post-relationship for nearly one year. Yikes. Not even trying to make myself the victim here, but I got hurt a lot, and mainly because I didn’t know how to stand up for myself. Because he was someone I wanted to be with, I did everything to fit his idea of the “perfect girl”, and boy, did that bite me in the long run. DON’T DO IT. Finally, because I didn’t know where we stood with each other, I needed a clean break, and I mean absolutely no contact with him whatsoever.

Anyway, every time I’ve cut him out of my life, he’s always had a way of finding his way back, which I find very strange. I’ve never been in a situation like this, but when I saw that he wanted to re-connect with me on social media, I figured okay, it’s been a year, I feel better about things, I won’t make the same mistake again, and let’s just be adult about this. So I think at this point, unless he does something to really piss me off, there won’t be a need to cut him off like that anymore.

And honestly, I don’t know why now and why at all. I don’t know if he did it to keep tabs on me. I don’t know if he did it because he missed me. I don’t know what his intentions are, but at this point, I’m just going to let it go. It is what it is.

Life sure does work in mysterious ways and I don’t know where we’ll be five years from now. They always say to never close the door completely on anything, but in all honesty, our ship has sailed. There’s no way we could ever be in a relationship again, and even if he was considering it, my answer still remains the same. I experienced more emotional turmoil in this relationship than with anything else I’ve ever been through in life. It sucked. Our friendship will never go back to being the same either. We can’t simply erase all that history and start over like it never happened. But we can move forward.

We did meet up today for the first time in a year and it was definitely awkward, but tolerable. The more we talked, the clearer it became to me that this will never work out moving forward, and that’s okay. But, I think whether he wants to admit it or not, we do have a special bond, because no matter how far he wanders away from me, he always finds his way back.

I don’t like being on bad terms with people, so it’s nice to know that we’ve reached mutual grounds and that there are no residual feelings of resentment towards one another. We’re pretty much as okay as we can be given the circumstances, and honestly, I can live with that. I am content. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I genuinely wish him the best and I hope he ends up with someone who can make him happy in the ways I could not. True love is wanting the best for someone, even if you’re not in the picture. If this was a year ago, I would have been jealous at the thought of him being with someone else, but now that that’s sort of a reality now, I’ve come to terms with it and accepted it and I am okay with it! I never thought I would be, but I guess that goes to show how much I’ve learned about myself in the process.

beautifuldarkmystery