the beginning of the end.

So today was my first day of my last semester…and quite uneventful if I do say so myself. Both of my classes went okay. It was the first day though, so we didn’t really do much. I’m looking forward to my classes next week, except for…I have two classes with HIM this semester. Yup. Ugh. Hopefully I can just get through them. I just hope this girl isn’t in one of those classes or it will be super awkward for me. Oh, speaking of awkward…one of my roommate’s friends was almost in one of my classes…close call…we all didn’t end on the best terms so I was hoping she forgot what I looked like or whatever.

Anyway, I’m really looking forward to this semester. I hope it’s a good one. I hope I continue to meet new people and network and all that fun stuff. Hopefully the homework load isn’t too bad…sounds’t like it’s mostly going to be projects, which I don’t mind. I can’t believe it…it really hasn’t settled in. This is the beginning of the end.

– CU

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just when i think i had enough going on.

So I’m beginning to think one of my guy friends likes me as more than a friend. He’s been texting me A LOT…like every day for the last week he’s texted me. Last night got a little weird though. So he knows about my situation with “Tom.” However, he and Tom don’t know each other. Obviously, yesterday was the 4th of July, so he was out with his family and let’s just say he was a little buzzed. So he texted me and nothing super weird happened, but I’d be lying if I said I felt totally comfortable. He kept insisting that he didn’t mean anything by what he was saying but then it was like he kept pushing it. And I don’t see him this way. I only think of him as a friend.

Then he said he was all depressed because he’s the only one of his cousins who’s single and I was like there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m single and I’m okay with it…well for the most part. Then he talked about how he misses the companionship and I get it. Yeah, sometimes I feel that way too, but it was like he kept pushing for me to say something…but that was awkward because it wasn’t going to happen…and it didn’t.

I hope that he doesn’t like me because I seriously don’t need this right now. I feel like I have enough with Tom that I don’t need another issue. A part of me wishes I never told him about my situation with Tom, because now I feel like he’s going to try and be that “knight in shining armor” and I don’t want to have to hurt anyone’s feelings here.

I don’t know…I’m not going to get ahead of myself. For all I know, he’s just messing with me and he doesn’t see me that way…which I hope is the truth. I’m not doing anything to lead him on. I just don’t want him to get his hopes up because nothin will happen between us.

– beautifuldarkmystery

my prom experience.

I’m not sure if I’ve talked about this yet, but if I have, I apologize for my redundancy. I was just talking to one of my friends and somehow, prom was mentioned and I was explaining to him about my experiences. And now I’d like to share those experiences with you.

When I think of prom, I think the perfect dress, getting my hair done, having the perfect date, renting a limo and getting a huge group of friends together. When I think about prom, I envision it like the movies. The guy arrives at the girl’s house, looking handsome in her tux. She slowly makes her entrance down the staircase, her heart racing because she’s dying to see him. Their eyes meet and he smiles at her…as if she’s the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. The parents jump in with their cameras to get the classic “pinning-the-boutonniere-oh-my-gosh-I-hope-I-don’t-stab-him-but-I’m-going-to-smile-anyway” photo. The group all meets up at one of the houses and everyone piles into the backyard to get those last-minute photos before it’s time to head into the dance. When they finally arrive, the happy couple dances the night away, looking into each other’s eyes, they can’t stop smiling. That slow song begins to play. He gently grabs her hand and pulls her close. She rests her head on his chest as they sway back and forth to the soft ballad. In that moment, it’s as if everything is perfect and she doesn’t want the night to end.

If I could go back and relive my prom, this is how I’d want it to be. Of course, things don’t always work out the way you want them to. I wouldn’t say I had a terrible experience, but I definitely think it could have been a lot better. However, instead of choosing to make the most out of my situation, I wallowed in my own “misery.”

Let’s rewind to junior year. Now, at my school, we have two proms…one during junior year and one during senior year. So junior prom was okay. However, I guess you could say I had expectations. It was during my junior year when I got into my first relationship and I remember feeling so excited because I thought I finally had someone who’d do all the cute couple-y things with me, including going to prom. However, we broke up a few months before so I was to fly solo for this one. I ended up going with a group of friends, but they weren’t people I was super close with. Heck, I didn’t even know a couple of them…they went to a different school but apparently other people in the group knew them and asked them to come. I bought this really nice dress, it was floor-length, a blue ombre design, and it sparkled. It looked like your “stereotypical” prom dress. I didn’t get my hair or nails done because I figured they weren’t that important.

My ex ended up not going to prom…it’s not really his thing, which I was kind of thankful for because I think if I had to see him there, it would have made things a lot more difficult for me. But that’s not to say it wasn’t. Everywhere I looked, it seemed as though everyone was paired up and having a good time. And here I was, standing with a group of people, awkwardly swaying side to side. Not a good time. Looking back, yeah, it’s an experience I’d rather forget because it was anything but picture perfect, but everyone’s experience is different. Everyone has a different opinion.

Fast forward to senior year. Prom season was here and I was actually looking forward to it. I was planning on going with a group, a group of people I was closer to and actually considered good friends. We all pitched in to rent a party bus. It was going to be a good time. I honestly wasn’t expecting to get asked, but I did. I’ll never forget either. So…I’m a band kid…and I’m sure most of you judge us as being the awkward social outcasts of high school. While there may be some truth to that, I don’t think anything will compare to this situation. So I was waiting in the band room and all of a sudden, one of my friends (he was more of an acquaintance) walked up to me and asked if he could speak to me in the hallway). So I followed him and he pulls out this small bouquet of flowers and basically asks me to go to prom with him. It was so awkward though because I could see him shaking and he was looking everywhere and he stumbled through his words. I could see how nervous he was and I felt bad so on impulse, I said no. Looking back, I should have been honest with him because when we got to prom, I had never felt so uncomfortable in my life. I still feel bad even thinking about it all over again because I was the jerk. Anyways, like with my junior prom, I can’t say I had a completely miserable time…the venue was a lot nicer than the previous one and for me, it was nice to be able to spend one last big night with my class before graduation. It was bittersweet I guess.

But yeah, that’s my experience with prom….not the best one, but not the worst either. I always say that I hope that one day I’ll get to relive prom in a different way. I don’t know what that means yet, but I know all it takes is the right guy to show me. I wanted to share this experience with you to let you know that not everyone’s prom experience is like the ones you see in the movies. Oh how we wish though, right? But that’s what makes it unique to my life. It was my experience and I lived through it. It definitely created lasting memories that I don’t think I will ever forget. Everyone’s experience is different, and each one is special, no matter the circumstance.

-beautifuldarkmystery

What was your prom experience like? Was it everything you had hoped for? What were some of the positives and negatives?

“i really like your dress.”

I just have to say this because I think it’s worth sharing. So when I woke up this morning, I knew it was going to be a beautiful day in terms of the weather, so I broke out the spring/summer clothes. I wore this black and white blouse with a hi-low skirt. I did my hair and makeup, and wore my black Oxfords. I completed my outfit with a black and gold necklace from Forever 21. When I got to school, I had about 15-20 minutes to kill before my class, so I went to the library. Moments after sitting down, this guy walks up to me. I’m not trying to be superficial here or anything, but he wasn’t the best looking guy and he was a little awkward. I was working on breaking down a script when I hear this voice to my right. “Excuse me, excuse me.” I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me so he had to say it twice. My bad. I look up and see him. I smile, and say hello. He said, “I meant to tell this earlier, but I really like your dress (everyone thought it was a dress even though it was two pieces, but that’s okay. It was pretty convincing) and I just wanted to tell you it looks good on you. ” I smile and say, “Well thank you.” It didn’t come off as creepy at all, and as a matter of fact, I was completely humbled and flattered. Here’s this young man who may not have the best social skills, yet he had the guts to walk up to a complete stranger and give a compliment. THAT’S impressive. The guy I liked could never say that to my face. It was always through text. Should have known…

After that, I received a lot more compliments on my outfit. I should dress up more often. I’m not one of those narcissistic people who thrives on compliments. Sometimes it just makes you feel good and puts you in a good mood…not in an egotistical way, if that makes any sense. But yeah, overall, today was a good day. 🙂 I’m slowly recovering from that other situation, but it’ll still take some time. I’m actually more okay than I thought I’d be at this point, which is good! I just need to keep surrounding myself with good people.

i’m an idiot.

So I was walking to the library when I saw him walking away. I thought it would be a clever idea to see if I could catch up to him, but as I was walking, I was so concentrated in looking for him that I didn’t even notice he was now walking towards me. He waved and that’s what caught my attention. He was walking with a girl, I’m pretty sure I’ve met her before, but I don’t remember. Then, because I suck at lying, I basically said that I saw him and that I was trying to see if I could catch up with him and surprise him, but I think I ended up making myself look like an idiot in front of both of them. Then I walked as quickly as I could to the library, which was in the same direction they were walking, which made me look like more of an idiot. FML. Seriously…I definitely need to stop trying to hard sometimes. I am so embarrassed right now. I know things could be worse, but still…I think it was because that girl was there. She’s way prettier, and here I am…no makeup, wearing glasses. I wish I wasn’t so introverted sometimes because I end up magnifying my flaws a hundred times more. NEVER doing that again. Words cannot express how embarrassed I feel right now. I know it’s not that big of a deal, but seriously.

nerves.

So tomorrow we’re shooting our short movie. Yeah, I am so nervous, but so excited. I hope this isn’t too awkward…I’m afraid that because we like each other and we know we like each other, awkwardness is going to be pretty much inevitable. Oh well, I still get to spend time with him, so I’m not complaining.

For those of you who didn’t read my other post, our short film is basically about this girl who’s rushing to her car and on her way, she drops her keys. A guy sees them and follows the girl to the garage (in a non creepy way of course) and when they meet, it’s “love at first sight.” ❤ He’s playing the male lead and I’m playing the female lead. The thing is…I never volunteered. They all volunteered me and then he volunteered himself. Coincidence? I don’t think so…

-beautifuldarkmystery

thoughts for the day.

So I’m sitting in the library right now…I have a 6 hour break, three hours are down, three more to go. It sucks when you don’t get priority registration or the classes you need are only offered at certain times. Anyways, that’s not why I wanted to write this post. I figured, since I have the time, I can do a little self reflection.

So basically, as far as my crush goes…I’ve actually kind of settled down for the time being. Over winter break I was obsessing over not seeing him and as crazy as it seems, 5 weeks DID make me crazy. I missed him so much and I know that if we really wanted to, we could have gotten together over break. I brought it up a couple of times but no one made the effort. I just feel bad because we live about two hours apart from each other and I don’t want to make him drive all the way to where I live just to see me. Then again, if he really likes me, he would do it anyway, right? Ugh, I suck at this sometimes.

Anyways, like I was saying…I saw him this morning in our class and we didn’t really talk all that much. It sucks because on Mondays he doesn’t have any breaks and so I only see him for that hour and 15 minutes and then we go our separate ways. But it’s weird…I feel so hot and cold with him. Like…one day I’ll really think about him and picture how things would be if we were in a relationship. Then there are other days where I just don’t see anything happening. I don’t know if it’s from a lack of “experience” in the dating world or what. But it sure gets a little confusing sometimes.

I think I’m just going to leave it alone for now…or at least until I can work up the courage and just say how I feel. THAT would be a HUGE step for me in terms of anything really. But until then, why worry about it…

I feel so paranoid typing this up in the library because I’m afraid someone’s going to just look over my shoulder and read everything. *dies* (not really). So yeah, that’s pretty much where I’m at now. Hopefully I’ll be able to get more in-depth posts but for now, I’ll keep it short and sweet. Hope everyone’s having a great Monday!

-beautifuldarkmystery