goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem.

I think most people feel it is immature to cut someone completely out of your life, but sometimes it’s necessary. I’ve decided that this is what I need to do with my ex. Right now, it’s just too difficult to go back to being just friends when we’ve already crossed that line.

I’ve cut him out once before, but that was a while ago, and before anything really happened. At the time, all that HAD happened was that we confessed our feelings for each other. But he couldn’t make up his mind about how he felt about me and every time we tried to be more than friends, he’d pull back because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. So finally, I got fed up and cut him off. I didn’t speak to him, I only saw him when necessary (I was still in school at the time). But that was it. And as much as it sucked not being able to see him or hang out with him, allowing that time for myself helped the healing process. For the most part, my feelings for him were starting to go away because I had finally gotten to the point where I didn’t want to wait around anymore.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, for the longest time, I thought that cutting him off was a stupid thing to do and it seemed very childish. But seeing as how much pain I’m causing myself by trying to be in the friendship, I know exactly why I did it in the first place. I haven’t had the conversation with him yet, but I am waiting until he is done with finals because I know he’s not going to like this. He absolutely hated it that last time I did this and for the longest time, that was the reason he was scared to get into a relationship with me. Not losing me completely was more important to him than being in a relationship. But if he’s really my friend and loves me like he says he does, then he’ll understand why I need to do this. He will let me go. It’s going to hurt so much and if there was some other way I could go about this, I would. But right now, even just trying to be friends, it’s not working and I’m sacrificing my own happiness to be in this friendship and I’m tired of being sad all the time. I need to completely separate myself from him…however long that’s going to take. And if or when I am ready, we can try to be friends again.

But I need to completely remove him from my life. That means, no speaking to him, I can’t see him, I’ve removed every photo of us I have up in my room, I need a clean cut in order to move forward. I wish I wasn’t that type of person because it all sounds so drastic and unnecessary, but I feel like this is the only way. Sometimes, you have to be a little selfish and put yourself before anyone else. It sucks I’m going to hurt him in the process too, but like I said, if he’s truly my friend, he will understand that I need to do this for myself.

It’s never easy saying goodbye to a friend, especially when that friend has been such an important part of your life…this person has become a part of you. But goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem. But I need to move on. The longer I try to hold on, the more painful this is going to be. He’s told me he wants to give this another chance, but at this point, I don’t see a happy ending for us. Maybe in another life…

– beautifuldarkmystery

and then reality sets in.

I’m starting to reach that point where I’m really starting to evaluate my relationship with him and starting to wonder if it’s even worth trying to pursue something more. After talking to my mom and sister and some of my closest friends about this, it almost seems like there are more cons than pros. It’s not the answer I want, but I have to stop and ask myself…is it really worth it. That doesn’t mean that he’s not worth it. I’m saying, is it really worth putting myself through all of this to be with someone…especially when I feel I am not being treated like I deserve to be treated.

It’s so difficult when your heart is in one place, but your head is in another. How is it possible to have feelings for someone who isn’t right for you, and you KNOW he isn’t right for you? How? That blows my mind. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. My mom told me that I should follow my heart and I told her, “Well, look where that got me.” This is probably one of the toughest growing pains I’ve experienced yet. I know I’ll have to talk to him face-to-face at some point about all of this because I want to know once and for all where we stand for each other. Are we friends? Are we more than friends? I am done being in this limbo with him and it shouldn’t have to be like that. Honestly, I feel like if he really wants a relationship with me and wants to be with me, it would have happened by now. Something is holding him back and I don’t know what it is. He told me yesterday he’s totally fine and recovered from our “disastrous” breakup back in September. Maybe there is someone else in the picture but he isn’t telling me about her. It’s none of my business, but if he doesn’t want to be with me, then he has to let me know. I think I deserve to know that much at the very least. I waited three and a half years for him and I’m not going to wait around any longer.

-beautifuldarkmystery

in a moment, everything can change.

Recently, I came across some very sad news. I found out that a student who was set to graduate from my alma mater passed away on Monday after being critically injured by a drunk driver early Sunday morning. Before I found out about his passing (or even about the accident), I was on Facebook and noticed one of my friends liked a photo of this boy and girl. I didn’t know who either of the people were, but I clicked on the photo anyway. When I read the caption, it said something like “…I feel so helpless…all I can do at this point is pray for a miracle…” Then a couple of days later, I realized that the young man who passed away was the same one in that photo. Judging from what I read in the caption, it seemed like these two were in a relationship. Now that he’s passed away, I can only imagine what she’s going through right now.

Why am I bringing this up? It was another reminder that life is short and precious. I look at my situation with my ex-boyfriend. At this point, I don’t know if I’m ever going to get back together with him. I don’t think he wants it as much as I do. But the point is that…we waste so much time arguing over petty things instead of taking the time to appreciate each other and be thankful that we have another day with that person. We may be three hundred miles apart, but that shouldn’t be an excuse as to why we can’t tell each other how much we value the other person. In the blink of an eye, our loved ones can be taken away from us. Any moment. They could be gone tomorrow. So since that, I’ve been telling him that I love him because I really want him to know that and I want him to hear it. We may not be together at the moment, but I really do love him with all of my heart, and yeah, we may argue from time to time, but I never want a day to go by without telling him how much he means to me.

I miss him every single day and the distance sucks. I wish I could see him and have his physical presence with me, but even if all I can do is text him every single night, I’ll take it. But I think it’s really important to say these words to your loved ones every once in a while. You shouldn’t need a special holiday like a birthday or Valentine’s Day to let them know you love them. Just the other week, he was having a bad day and feeling extremely alone, angry, and frustrated. And I just told him, “I love you.” He was so caught off guard that he even asked me where that came from. I told him that I just wanted to tell him. Sometimes a few words can help us more than he thinks. I may not know what he’s going through right now, but I can be there to support him and love him.

I may not know what the future holds for us, but I do know one thing…I love this guy with every ounce of my being. He will always be my first true love and I will never forget that. He means the world to me and I didn’t know someone could be this important to me outside of my family. I will never be the same because of him and I wish I could be with him right now. I’ll remain hopeful that one day it will work out like it’s supposed to. But until then, I will keep reminding him of just how much I love him. I miss him so much.

– beautifuldarkmystery

losing hope.

I don’t know at this point if I see a future with him anymore…if I see us getting back together…because everything I’ve been feeling is beginning to push me away from him. I can guarantee you this has everything to do with what happened in the past and that’s unfortunate because I really wanted to let all of that go and start over. But past behaviors predict future ones. The feelings I’m getting are all signs that I do not trust him. That’s no way to begin a relationship, if we were to get back in one again. This sucks…my heart wants him, but my brain is telling me he’s not the one…wait for someone better. This sucks!!! I’ve never been in a situation like this before.

A part of me wants to believe that if he TRULY feels the way he’s claiming, he would be trying a little harder. I hate that I think like this, but a part of me feels that he’s only saying the words I want to hear…just to keep me close. I really don’t want to believe that’s true and I hope to God it’s not. We’re not talking as much anymore, and maybe that’s for the better. I can slowly begin cutting him out of my life…because as long as he’s still present in my life, moving on will be that much more difficult. I have to do what’s best for me at this point…and I don’t think a relationship is what’s best. It hurts me to say all of this because my heart longs for me to be with him. But all I can think about are the two girls he’s been hanging out with and how he claims that nothing is going on. In my mind, I am preparing for the worst. I don’t know how much longer I can do this…

– beautifuldarkmystery

what to do.

So last night we were texting as usual and everything was fine. It wasn’t until I steered the conversation in another direction that the mood changed. For those of you who don’t know, I’ve had feelings for this guy for the last three years. We’ve tried twice in the past to be more than friends but both times never worked. It wasn’t until recently that we got into a relationship, but it only lasted a couple of months…simply because I was moving away, he might be gone for a year and a half starting in January, and we hadn’t had enough time to establish anything to feel confident in being away from each other for so long. Anyway, ever since we broke up, we’ve been texting, I’ve used FaceTime once, I’ve called him, and things seem to be going well. We started talking to the point where we felt like we weren’t really broken up, just taking a break. Both of us haven’t been in many relationships so we don’t really know what we’re doing or how it’s supposed to work, but we’ve been trying to make it work for the both of us.

So last night we were texting and I told him I was watching The Amazing Spider-Man on TV. He thought I was teasing him so I sent him a picture of my TV screen. Before I go any further, let me just say that he is a nerd, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. He loves his comic books, superheroes, Star Wars, Superman, Kingdom Hearts, you name it. He loves it all. Ever since I met him, I’ve KNOWN how much all of this means to him and how important they are and I know they will forever be a part of his life. So when I told him I was watching Spider-Man, he said he was surprised I was watching it without him having to “force” me to watch it. I told him he’s never forced me to do anything. I was trying to be open-minded to the things he liked because I love him and I know how important all of this is to him.

Then, he kept telling me how he’s attracted to nerds and how by me willingly watching it made me more attractive to him. Then I was honest with him. I told him, that when we started dating, and even before that, I thought it would be so much easier if he could find someone who shared these similar interests because I KNOW how passionate he is and I know how exciting it is when you find someone who likes the same things as you and you can talk and talk and the conversation will never go dull. Then he told me how he met these two girls this semester who fit that description, they’re nerds like him, but he said they’re not me. I told him he should be open-minded and explore his options because you never know. Then he said he’s been talking to this one girl in particular and she’s become a really good friend of his because, and these were his exact words, “she is the female equivalent to me.” My heat sank when I read those words and I got really jealous. I told him I know I have no right to be because we’re not in a relationship anymore, but I couldn’t help what I feel. He continued to insist that he loves me and that he wants me, but at that moment, I couldn’t see any of that.

Then he told me that aside from that, I am his ideal girl in every other way possible. So I asked him in what ways. In the past, he’s talked about how much he wants me physically and I know that he’s said he wants certain things with me BECAUSE it’s me, but sometimes I get the feeling there’s more of a physical attraction from him than an emotional one and I am an emotional person. I value an emotional connection with someone when I’m in a relationship. He listed his qualities and they were all emotional qualities, which made me feel a little better. But still, I was more focused on the fact that he’s been talking to and hanging out with this girl and I have NO right to feel jealous. We are NOT in a relationship and I feel horrible for having these feelings, but it’s so damn hard sometimes….especially after everything we’ve been through.

He was starting to get tired so we ended the conversation there. He went to bed, I lied in bed wide awake. I hate when this happens because then my mind starts going into overdrive and I start thinking things I shouldn’t be thinking. But automatically, I started thinking of the time he told me he was going to go out for drinks with “a new friend” but he didn’t because he didn’t want me to get the wrong idea….then I thought about the time he asked me whether or not I’d want to know if he found someone new, if I would want to know…then I thought about the time he told me that by seeing other people it will make us stronger….and all of these thoughts flooded my mind.

I’ve mentioned this before, but in the past, I’ve tried to be more open-minded to the things he likes. I watched one of the Star Wars movies with him, I played a little Kingdom Hearts, I even read my first comic book. No, not all of these appealed to me, but at least I TRIED and did these things because I LOVE him. He knows that and he says it means a lot to him. I guess I just wish he would have done the same for me. But he doesn’t think like that. I mean, even if he didn’t like it, I wish he would have at least tried like I did. I’ve always believed that actions speak louder than words.

So now I’m torn. I know he says he loves me and wants me, but from my perspective, I feel like I’m kind of in the way. To me, having similar interests in a relationship is a great thing…sometimes I feel like if we did, maybe our conversations wouldn’t be so dull. So now I don’t know if I should start to pull back a bit…because for the last couple of nights, we’ve been texting each other like we’re still in a relationship. It hurts, but I don’t want to hold him back. He keeps telling me he doesn’t see it like that because I’m the one he wants and that he loves me, but I don’t know.

And let me just say something. A couple of years ago, when we admitted to having feelings for each other and wanted to see where this would go, I was working a shift at a film festival (I’m pretty sure I mentioned this in one of my previous posts), and he texted me asking if I thought we’d ever end up together…because he’d been hanging out with someone and felt like he was “betraying” me. No, we weren’t in a relationship and we weren’t exclusive, but I don’t think he knows that that ONE incident kind of scarred me. When feelings get involved, it makes things that much more difficult. My feelings for him were obviously stronger than the ones he had for me back then so of course, the one with the stronger feelings is ALWAYS going to get hurt more in the end. I still remember holding it together until the end of my shift, then rushing back to my car and just sitting there and crying. I vividly remember that day, though I try to block it from my memory. All I’m saying is that I KNOW I’m having these feelings for a reason. It’s not just straight up jealousy. It’s more of a fear…because something similar to this has happened before.

Unfortunately, though, when something like that happens, I focus more on the negatives instead of the positives, which I know I have to work on. So I want to try and focus on the positives for a minute. He and I have grown super close, especially over the last five months or so. He’s opened up to me in ways he never has to anyone before. He feels like he can talk to me about anything and everything. I SAW how much he was hurting after I broke up with him. Thinking about that still rips me to shreds. I KNOW this guy loves me with all of his heart…and that should be enough. I’ve never felt such a tight bond and closeness to another human being before. We both have a strong feeling that this is not the end of our story…that there’s a place for us in the future, those were his exact words.

I guess I’m having these feelings because he’s always been good with words, but when it comes to SHOWING me that he loves me, that hasn’t been so high. He’s told me he’s not good with relationships and he doesn’t know what to do sometimes….so sometimes I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and claim ignorance. But still. I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship where I’m constantly questioning how he feels about me. For some people, that’s enough…but I think I’m the type of person who wants to be SHOWN. I’m not a materialistic person, but if a guy buys me flowers, or even writes me a letter, or ANYTHING, it reaffirms that love. It’s not so much the materialistic part as much as it is about the THOUGHT behind it. I’m sure there are other girls out there who feel the same way. But that’s just not who he is. When I had my going away party, some of my friends got me gifts and at the end of the night he apologized for not getting me anything. I told him not to worry about it, but in my mind, I thought, even if it was just a card, that would have meant the world to me. It didn’t even have to have anything in it. But that’s just not who he is, and if I want to be in a relationship with him, I really have to take those things into consideration and really think about if this is what I really want. Don’t get me wrong, I love this guy with all of my heart. We’ve both expressed to each other how strong of a hold we have on each other…and we both said to each other yesterday morning that we will always be each other’s first true loves.

There’s a part of me that truly believes that what he’s saying is how he really feels and that he is in love with me and there is no one else. But sometimes, me being the person I am, I overlook all of those things and focus on the one thing that should be kind of trivial. Yes, it’s nice to be with someone who shares similar interests with you, but that’s not what the entire relationship is about. Being in a relationship is about being with someone who makes you feel things you’ve never felt before…being with someone who makes you happy, being with someone who can’t stand to be apart from, someone you can be yourself around, someone you can laugh and cry with.

I’m going to see him in about three weeks so we’ll see how that goes. He also plans on visiting me in a couple of months, so that’ll be interesting. I guess, if I’ve realized anything after typing out my thoughts, it’s that I can’t focus on the future, I can’t worry about it because it hasn’t happened yet. However, there are things I need to start seriously considering if I want to continue a relationship with him. Can I live with the fact he doesn’t do the small gestures to show me he loves me? Can I live with the fact that he’s not great with relationships? Can I live with the fact that he doesn’t know how to deal with me or my emotions sometimes? Can I trust him and know that what he feels for me is true? Am I willing to accept all of these to be in a relationship with him? I am so torn because I am in love with him, but I don’t know if I would necessarily be happy. It’s about how much I’d be willing to give up to be with him…I don’t know.

-beautifuldarkmystery

feeling good.

We FaceTimed and it was my first time seeing him since I moved. It was so great to see him and hear his voice. I couldn’t help but noticed he looked a little sad and he said he really misses me and hates that I’m so far away from him. I did tell him I’m coming home in about three weeks and that seemed to make him feel a little better.

“When I come home, I’m going to give you THE biggest hug ever,” I told him
“Oh really?” he said surprised.
“Yes, will that make you feel better?”
“A little…”
“A little?! I want a LOT!”
“Well, you’d have to kiss me to make me feel better.”
“Aw, well maybe I’ll have to do that.”

We both laughed. At least we can laugh about it. I know he wants the relationship, and so do I. But we both know that the timing isn’t so great and the fact that he doesn’t know where he’ll be this next year makes things a little difficult. I can’t wait to see him, but I hope it’ll be okay. I know he’s going to go back into boyfriend mode and treat me like his girlfriend, but we’ll just see what happens. I think it’ll be okay.

We also talked about going to Disneyland for my birthday. Apparently he said we’re going to do it, so I guess it’s happening. That should be interesting. It’s been THE number one thing at the top of our list of things we want to do together…we’ve been talking about this since the day we met, nearly three years ago. If we FINALLY make it happen, it’ll be a dream come true. Should be interesting…

Overall, I think we’re in a good place. We both have a feeling that this is not the end of our relationship…that we will be together again someday, and that feeling alone, has brought both of us some comfort and peace of mind. It’s going to take some getting used to because I’ve never been in a situation like this before. But all I know is what I feel. I love him, and he loves me…and one day, maybe it’ll finally work out the way we want. I hope…but time will tell.

-beautifuldarkmystery

a test of true love.

So he and I had a pretty good talk last night and I’m glad we did, because it somewhat puts my mind at ease a little bit. Basically, I was hit with a very strong feeling yesterday, and I mentioned this in my previous post…that I feel as though this is not over yet. Somehow, someway, we will find our way back to each other. I gained more confidence as we were talking about how we’d both be a tad jealous if we ended up dating other people in the meantime. There’s a quote that I read a while back that always stuck with me, before I even knew what love was. It was a quote by Johnny Depp that says, “If you love two people at the same time, choose the second, because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.” It’s so true. So I’m going to look at this as a test of our love for each other. If he loves me like he says he does, he will come back. I can only speak for myself and know that I love him more than anything. Could I date other people? Absolutely, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll necessarily fall in love with them.

Yes, I’ll still be jealous if he finds someone else but this feeling I got last night…it was enough to give me the confidence I need in knowing that there’s a place in the future for us. Could I be wrong? Of course. For all I know, I am completely out of my mind. But his dad said we don’t know what could happen, my mom believes we’re going to end up together again, and even some of our friends have pointed it out. I think part of this feeling comes from knowing our past and knowing what we’ve been through together. Yes, there were times he was interested in other girls, but who did he go back to at the end of it? Me. And all of those previous events we went through together of falling apart and coming back together have made us stronger today. I can only hope for the best, but expect the worst.

He claims he doesn’t want it to happen, that he doesn’t want to find someone new, but it’s always going to be in the back of my mind. I need to prepare myself for it too. There could also be a possibility I could meet someone. But I know that things happen for a reason (I’m starting to sound like a broken record now). But I know this is not the end yet. We’re not through, our love story is just beginning. But this…this is going to be the true test of our love for each other, right here, right now.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Was there ever a time you tested your love with someone? How did it work out?