value in friendships.

 

I had a conversation about this with a good friend not too long ago and he told me how he sometimes gets paranoid over how he thinks certain friends value him. For example, with some people, he feels like he’s the one who puts more effort into the friendships, or he’s the one always reaching out. It makes him question whether some people really want to be friends or not. I can totally relate to him because I’ve found myself in that situation many times.

I’ll be honest, from the time I was a kid and all throughout high school, I believed in having one best friend. And when it wasn’t reciprocated, I would always get jealous. As I got older, however, I began to realize that just because someone may not like me as much as I like them, it doesn’t mean they value me any less. Some people are very vocal about the “best friend” label, while with some, it’s more like an unspoken understanding.

There’s no harm in evaluating your friendships every once in a while, especially if you’re beginning to notice drastic changes in the dynamic. If you feel like you’re beginning to question your friendships, consider this:

  1. Pull back. If you feel like you’re the one one initiating contact, pull back and see if the other person initiates contact first. If they don’t, then you’ll kind of know where you stand. As life goes on, we all become busier and priorities will change, but if you’re important to someone, they’ll always find a way. This leads me to my second tip.
  2. last resort. I had a friend from home who moved closer to me for work. He was one of my good friends in college, but as soon as he moved, he made little to no effort to see me. It suddenly became all about his new friends and he only contacted me as a last resort. Don’t get me wrong though. I was happy he was meeting new people and making new friends, but he would start contacting me at the very last minute, which I didn’t like. There is absolutely nothing wrong with spontaneity. I realize that sometimes it’s easier to just do things on the fly. But for me personally, I like finding a time that’s convenient for both of us, even if it means having to wait a couple of weeks.
  3. finding a way or making an excuse. Do they find a way to hang out with you and see you, or are they constantly making excuses as to why they can’t get together with you? If you find yourself in the latter category, you might want to re-evaluate the friendship. That’s not to say you have to stop being friends with the person all together, but don’t put them so high on your priority list if they’re not going to treat you the same way. I’ll be honest and say I’ve been on both ends of this. I’ve been the one who’s reached out to people with no luck, but I’ve also been the person making the excuses because I don’t want to hang out. It’s a part of life. At one point or another, we’ve ALL been on the giving/receiving end of this circumstance. If you feel like someone’s always making some sort of excuse not to hang out, maybe it’s time to stop making attempts.

Friends will come and go. Always trust your gut, but also pay attention to their behavior. It’s not something you have to do every single day, but definitely pay attention to how they treat you. You may need to cut some strings, and that’s perfectly fine! It’s important to surround yourself with people that lift you up and get just as excited to see you as you are to see them!

beautifuldarkmystery

it’s been a while.

I almost forgot I had this blog, it’s been so long since I’ve posted anything. Well, my social life has calmed down a bit and is not as exciting so there’s not really anything worth sharing. As far as things go with my friend, it is what it is. I don’t think we’ll ever try this again. They say third time’s the charm, but I don’t believe that’s the case with this. He’s already broken my heart twice and I can’t stand to go through all of that a third time.

In terms of school, I couldn’t be happier. I’ve been working on some short films, I’m currently a Production Assistant for a new indie series that will launch at the end of January. I have an interview on Tuesday for a possible internship for next semester. I can’t wait! I can’t believe this semester is over. It’s definitely been a crazy one, but overall, I’ve enjoyed the journey. One more left…then graduation. I can’t believe it…

– beautifuldarkmystery

a love/hate relationship with love.

“I can’t get comfortable with someone who wants to confuse my emotions.”

I just came across this on Tumblr and I mean, it makes sense. That’s why I can never feel like myself around him…because he HAS confused my emotions for the last year and a half. That’s why I never know what to say or how to act. It seems like common sense but it didn’t click until right now, when I read that post.

Anyways, we’re talking now and I made a point of saying I’m trying to show interest in his hobbies so that we’d have something to talk about other than school, and I think he got it. I mean, I like that this stuff is, in a sense, bringing us closer I guess…but no matter how much we talk about it, it doesn’t change the fact that things can’t go back to the way they used to be.

I actually think it’s kind of funny because he liked me when I wasn’t into all this stuff, and now that I’ve shown genuine interest in it, he doesn’t even feel that way about me. I guess I’ll never know how this works…which leads me to the next quote I read on Tumblr…

“I am too jaded to completely believe in a happily ever after.”

Which leads me to my last quote.

“Don’t give up on love, because there is always someone who loves you. Even if it’s not the person you were hoping for.”

A love/hate relationship with love. That’s what this is. Haha.

-beautifuldarkmystery

done with finals.

This semester couldn’t have ended any better. I went to school this morning and took my last “final.” All I had to do was turn in my final piece and complete a debriefing exercise. That ended up taking a grand total of 20 minutes. Best way to end finals week! It still hasn’t hit me that the school year is over. It seems like each one goes by faster.

Anyways, both “Tom” and I had finals today…same time too, and I wanted to see him so I stayed until noon. Sure enough, I was sitting outside near the parking garage and he came up to me and we hung out for a bit. He was dressed up because he had a presentation and he looked really good. I don’t know why I keep torturing myself because I know he doesn’t feel that way about me anymore. And I hate to make this sound even cheesier but the way the light hit him made him look even more handsome. I am so bad at hiding my nerves. I was very fidget-y and I’m sure he picked up on it, but I just tried to relax and have a normal conversation with him…and we did. I tried to avoid eye contact with him because it’s still kind of hard for me to be honest…but it’s getting better. I’ve accepted that this is for the best…I may not agree with it and have to fight my feelings at times, but I’m really glad we ended this semester on a good note.

We’re going to hang out in a couple of weeks because I started watching his favorite show and I suggested we should have a marathon. He agreed to it and…I know what you’re thinking and no, that’s not what I’l trying to do. I just want to hang out…as friends. You see, I think when there was that added pressure of knowing that we liked each other, it was as things were tense because all we wanted to do was impress each other. However, now that we don’t necessarily have that pressure, I’m interested to see how we interact.

I’m nervous to ask my mom because she knows everything. She knows he hurt me, she’s seen me cry because of him…but I’m hoping that despite what I said or how he’s made me feel, she’ll give him a chance. A part of me wishes I’d keep my mouth shut sometimes, but I can’t help it. Sometimes I’ll talk to anyone who’ll listen. But now I’m going off on another tangent.

I’m really anxious to see how this goes, but I’m going to try not to worry about it too much. We’re just friends hanging out. That’s it. So there’s nothing to worry about…right?

He had to leave so we walked to our cars together. Before we parted, we hugged…they feel different now because of all the feelings that have been involved, but it was nice. I got in my car and he walked to his. I had to get something out of my backpack so I got out of my car and when I looked up for a brief second and he was sitting there, looking at me. Then I drove home, listening to music that made my life feel like a movie. Great last day.

-beautifuldarkmystery

a little self-reflection.

So now that my school year is almost over, I figured it’d be appropriate for a little self-reflection. It might be boring, it might be interesting. I have to say that by far this year has been the craziest, both good and bad. Let’s start with the positives.

Fall Semester:
Fall semester was great. I wrote, directed, and produced my first short film. It wasn’t the best, but there’s a first for everything and the most important thing to do is to learn from your mistakes and move forward. With only a month to put the whole thing together, I must say we did a pretty good job. And for once, I didn’t have any irresponsible people in my group. Everyone was pretty much dependable and responsible and that’s all I could ask for. For our final, we screened all the final productions in the theater on a big screen…a little taste of what life could be like from now. It was pretty exciting. Although we didn’t win any awards, we were still winners in my eyes.

Fall semester was also when the guy I liked confessed his feelings for me. We were starting to grow closer and I got butterflies every time I was around him. This was the first time I got those feelings since my last relationship so for me, it was kind of a huge deal. Things like this don’t usually work out the way I want them to. It’s always either I like the guy and he doesn’t like me back or the other way around. :/ For the first time, I felt like things were beginning to fall into place and I might actually have a chance with this guy. But of course, things sort of fell apart next semester. But I’ll get into that later.

As for negatives, I don’t think I have anything. Honestly, all fall semester’s a blur to me now that it’s been a few months. I guess the only sad thing that happened was when the guy I liked said we should just be friends before we even went out on a date or even tried to be a relationship. I don’t know why he got cold feet all of a sudden considering he sure talked up a huge storm about having feelings for me over the year and a half we’ve known each other. Yeah, it sucked, but I wasn’t going to take it personally. In all honesty, it still felt a little weird, like we were trying too hard and some things felt forced and it shouldn’t feel like that. I was just excited to have a class with him again the following semester. During the fall semester, I didn’t see him at all until the very end when I made an effort to come to campus early and meet up with him during his break.

Spring Semester:
Spring semester was crazy! The semester started off kind of rough because I was in danger of being under-enrolled unit-wise. And for those of you who are in college and know how crazy it is during the first couple of weeks trying to get classes, you know how I felt. Once that settled, I got adjusted to my new schedule. I was happy to see “Tom” again on a weekly basis and I was really looking forward to this semester because of that.

Just as the semester started, I went to my major advisor because I wanted to find out how I could get involved in the film department  on campus. He sent me to another professor, and I became her TA. Although that wasn’t exactly what I was looking for, being her TA was good work experience for me. It was crazy and overwhelming at times, but at the end of the day, I gained a mentor, someone who’s pledged to help me with whatever I need and write references if I need them. That’s more than I could have ever asked for.

A new semester means new friends and I continued meeting more film majors. One guy was in all four of my film classes, which has never happened to me before, but it was fun. We became pretty good friends. The beginning of the semester is always kind of awkward because you don’t know anyone in your class, but then I’m always sad when it’s over because some of the people I never thought I’d become friends with, I did, and it’s just sad when it’s all over. Maybe I’m just weid like that and I always get that bittersweet feeling when a semester is over.

I took a business of film class, which required us to volunteer at the film festival that occurs annually near our school. It was a LOT of work but totally worth it. I never thought that by working in merchandise I’d get as many opportunities to talk and interact with the filmmakers. But I did, and it was very inspiring and flipped a switch in me that made me want to start making more short films and getting my work out there. I definitely want to volunteer again next semester. I think it’s great that this class required us to volunteer because I don’t know that I’d necessarily do it on my own. I’m a very introverted person, as I’ve mentioned before, so doing this work definitely helped me step beyond my comfort zone and learn how to put myself out there. Overall, a rewarding experience.

And last but not least, I can’t forget about making the Dean’s List. It was one of my most proudest moments. Ever since I can remember, my dad’s always been the one who’s helped me with homework and projects. I’d like to think he’s half responsible for the grades I received. When I got to college, however, things changed. I stopped going to him for help and I made myself learn the material. I don’t know what it was, but something clicked and I wanted to do better. So when I found out I made the Dean’s List, I knew I did this on my own…that the grades I earned were all me, without my dad’s help. It’s like one of those moments…like when you first learn to ride your bike without the training wheels, or driving by yourself for the first time without your parents in the car…that kind of feeling. I attended the honors convocation and it was great. Sitting in the audience representing the College of Humanities & The Arts…Wow, it only makes me want to strive and do better in college.

Unfortunately, with the positives, there were also negatives. Let’s start with the most recent. I’ll never forget the day I saw someone die in front of my eyes. You see this stuff on TV all the time but you know it’s fake. A man jumped from the parking garage and killed himself. I’m glad I didn’t actually see it happen, but I still saw the aftermath. A limp, lifeless body in a pool of blood. I couldn’t believe what I saw and I think it forever changed the way I think about life. We say it all the time…life’s fragile, we’re only given one chance to live…but I don’t think you can truly understand what that means until or unless you experience something like this. For me it was a true shock because I’ve lived a pretty sheltered life and have never seen anything so graphic with my own two eyes. My heart goes out to that man and I hope he’s resting in peace. It breaks my heart that to him, this was the only solution. I’ll never forget that day as long as I live.

And then there’s the other negative, the one that left me with a broke heart. The night Tom basically told me he liked someone else was one of the worst nights of my life. I actually felt physically sick and it wasn’t until that night when I realize how hard I was beginning to fall for him. Unfortunately, things only got worse from there as I called him out on certain things, which resulted in us not speaking for a month. When we reconciled, I ended up forgiving him because it’s what I always do, but I let him know that I didn’t forget. Things are still a little tense, I feel because I actually thought this was going to go somewhere, but this was the semester we began to see each other’s true colors. I’m not sure I liked what I saw but I guess we’ll see what happens from here. It’s so hard for me to lower my expectations of him and as a result, I feel like I’m constantly disappointed. But this semester is over, which means fresh start this fall. We’ll see.

Overall, I can’t complain about this year. I’ve learned a lot, not just academically, but in terms of learning about myself, I’ve learned a lot too. There were definitely some bumps in the road but I made it and I’m ready for summer.

-beautifuldarkmystery

untitled.

Well, this week will be interesting, since we’re talking again…no more awkwardness or tension in class, which I guess is a good thing, right? I don’t know. I just hope I don’t regret this. On the bright side, the semester is almost done. I think I’ve got like five weeks left or something like that. Wow, only five weeks left…that is crazy.

Anyways, I’m trying to force myself not to like him anymore, but it’s difficult. I mean, I don’t know what his intentions were by telling me he liked me in the first place. I don’t even know if he really thought this was going to go anywhere. I want us to be together, but I’m conflicted. If I listen to my heart, he’s the one I want and he’s the one I want to be with. There’s something about him that I’m still attracted to…there’s still some sort of comfort or security. Like I’ve said before, perhaps it was because he had good timing. He came into my life when I really needed a friend…and he didn’t even have to say anything. His physical presence was that sense of security and stability. If I think with my head, we’re better off as just friends. He’s thrown WAY too many red flags and his actions don’t match up with his words. A huge part of me says that is he really cared, he would have thought about my feelings…if he liked me like he said he did, he would have acted upon it. But I don’t know his past. Maybe someone’s hurt him before and he’s scared to put himself out there again. And I know I don’t make that very easy for him sometimes…I’m not always the easiest person to talk to.

I value the opinions of my friends and family…they think I’m making a mistake…but they know that this is a battle I have to fight myself. They don’t know him like I do. They just know what I’ve told them. There’s a gut feeling telling me that this is supposed to work out. But I’m not going to force it. If this friendship is meant to be, then it will happen. We both know it’s going to take a little more effort going forward because of what happened, but I have no idea what the future has in store for us.

I had it set and decided in my mind that after we had that fight, that was it. That was literally the end. But then he re-enters my life when I least expect it.

-beautifuldarkmystery

thoughts.

It’s funny how certain people always have a way of coming back into your life. To be honest, I thought he was going to walk away. I figure he would have thought I was too much to handle or my personality was too strong for his. Like I said, he seems like the type to shut down when things get rough, but he came back. Now, I don’t know what his intentions are now that we had that falling out. I honestly don’t know the reason why he still wants to be friends with me, but I can guess a few.

  • Things didn’t work out with the other girl and wants to use me as a rebound
  • He wants to make up so it doesn’t have to be so awkward during class for the rest of the semester
  • He really misses me and thinks my friendship is worth keeping
  • Because we’re similar in terms of certain personality traits, maybe he thinks I can help him with that since I seem to be the more emotionally developed of the two of us

I’m not going to even begin to try and figure out what he wants. I just need to stay cautious, take things slow, and monitor his behavior. I’m still on the fence about this whole thing, but at the end of the day, real friendships are the ones that survive the tests and challenges. Real friendships are the ones where both people think it’s worth saving. I know this one’s worth saving on my end, but we’ll see about him.

And obviously, there’s always going to be a small part of me that likes him. I can’t help it. I’ve accepted the fact he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore, but true feelings never go away. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, because for all I know…he could really turn around and prove me wrong. That would be ideal. I mean, he’s had about a month to think about what he did. I made it very clear to him though…he has A LOT to prove to me. And I’m not putting it all on him. I need to make some compromises as well, one of those being that I have to accept the fact he’s not comfortable talking face-to-face about certain issues and topics. If he prefers to text me, I’ll have to allow him to do that. I think it’s sad that he can’t do that or refuses to learn how, but I mean, I can’t change a person. Accepting their flaws is something that comes with accepting a person for who he/she is.

It sucks to be the person who always strives to look for the best in people, even when they show me otherwise. I want to have hope that he can turn around, but you know what they say…old habits die hard. Once a person is set in their ways, it’s hard to change.

Next week will be interesting, that’s for sure. We’ll see what happens.

-beautifuldarkmystery