strangers, again.

It’s funny how two friends can become strangers again. Someone you once knew so well, or, at least, you thought you did…is now just a name and face. I never thought that was possible, until I experienced it.

Yes, there are times I find myself wondering how he’s doing, if he’s happy. It seems like it. But sometimes, I want to know what he’s really thinking. We both know he’s always been good at putting on a facade, acting like everything’s okay. Well, regardless, I hope he’s happy.

I wish I could be a part of that happiness. I wish I could be a part of his present. But now he’s a part of my past. This is a time when we’re both experiencing important milestones in our lives and there are moments when I wish I could just share all of that with him. But then I remember our situation. I wish I didn’t have to be so extreme. I wish I didn’t have to cut him out of my life and that we could still be friends right now. But if I want ANY chance of moving on and being happy again, this is what I have to do.

It feels like I am mourning the death of a friend. There’s an emptiness inside of me, a void that cannot be filled. I miss having that one person I shared everything with. The one person I had some of the best memories with. Three years of it and now it’s gone, just like that.

It hurts, but I do the best I can. And I know that with each passing day, it will get better. But I will never be whole again. He has a piece of my heart I will never get back.

– beautifuldarkmystery

beyond frustrated.

At this point, I really don’t know what to do anymore…I don’t know what’s right. Yesterday was the first day of my internship and I was really excited to start working there and finally have something to keep my mind off of my personal issues. He texted me about 30 minutes before I got off and asked if I wanted to get something to eat, and, of course, I agreed.

Rewind. It was his birthday a couple of days ago. A couple weeks ago we had talked about what he wanted to do and at the time, he invited me to whatever it was that he was going to plan. The weeks go by and I continue to hear nothing about it. I wasn’t going to bring him up because I didn’t know if he’d changed his mind about inviting me and I didn’t want to make it awkward. Anyway, his birthday rolls around. I texted him in the morning to wish him a happy birthday and all he said was thanks. Then that was pretty much it. I got him a gift, I wrapped it and made it look nice…and then I waited. The whole day goes by and I don’t hear from him. I knew he had a work-related event that day so I was trying not to make a huge deal out of it. Before I know it, the whole day is gone and by the time I saw that it was 9PM, I gave up and thought to myself, forget it. So I changed back into my pjs and watched my tv shows, trying not to avoid the fact that my feelings were hurt.

When I picked him up, I asked what he felt like eating, and he said, “I don’t know, but anything that’s cheap and fast.” When he said this, I now felt like I was being bum-rushed and then I was slightly irritated. We ended up eating at Wendy’s, but I wasn’t expecting anything less, to be honest. So I asked him how the event went and how his birthday was. He proceeded to tell me he hung out with his friends the whole day and had dinner with a girl at her apartment and then went to the event. Then his roommates had friends over by the time he got back so he hung out with all of them until about 2 in the morning. The more he was telling me about what he did, the more irritated and hurt I felt because I thought he would have wanted to spend at least part of his birthday with me, but I guess that wasn’t the case. I wasn’t really mad because at this point, that’s exactly what I expect from him. I’m just there when he needs me. But I did make a point of telling him that for future reference, if plans change (granted, this time he didn’t really know how his day was going to pan out), to just let me know so I’m not waiting around. Then he felt really bad…because technically I could have started my internship on his birthday, but because I didn’t know what he was doing, I made sure I kept that day available just in case. But I wasn’t going to make a huge deal out of it.

Another thing that bothers me is that he always seems tired when we hang out. I don’t know if he’s aware of how that makes me feel, but I feel like if you’re really that tired, then why bother hanging out with me if this is what it’s going to be like. I feel like I am wasting his time. And I said that, maybe not so direct. But I did say something like, “Well if you’re that tired, then you could have just stayed home. I wouldn’t have minded.” Then he always says the same thing. “But I wanted to hang out.” I’m sure he doesn’t act this tired around his other friends.

I know this all probably sounds very high school, but it’s not even about the fact that I didn’t get invited to whatever birthday plans he may have had. It’s more about the fact that I feel like ever since he moved down here, I’ve just been the “side chick.” I feel like I’m just the friend to go to when he has no one else to hang out with or nothing else better to do. That’s not a great feeling. I also don’t feel like I am appreciated as a friend…as a person.

The last time we hung out, he mentioned he had to run a couple of errands and asked me if I could drive him so it would go faster. Of course, I said yes. He had a whole day off before we hung out where he could have run his errands. But no, he was out with his friends. So what does he do? He waits until the day WE hang out, cutting into OUR time together, so he can run his stupid errands. I know I really have no right to complain because I could have just said no and been done with it. I’m usually passive aggressive about things but I let him know that this is not going to be okay…that he can’t make a habit out of me running his errands with him just because I have a car and he doesn’t. And at some point, I’ll have to draw the line too, and just say no.

Last night when we hung out, we were trying to find a place to eat and we drove by a Target. As we were driving back to his place, he asked if we could stop by the Target. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and it wasn’t like I had to go out of my way to get there…it was on the way back, so I said yes. As we were getting out of the car and heading into the store, he put his arm around me and thanked me for making this stop. I hinted to him how it made me feel by saying, “Yeah, no problem…because that’s all I’m good for, right?”

Then we got into the store, I thought he actually had to get stuff he needed…he got a dvd. That was it. As we were walking up to the front to pay for it, he starts poking me. This is his personality. This is who he is. When he feels there’s tension, he tries to break it by poking me or acting obnoxious, but it was actually annoying me even more.

When I finally pulled up to the front of his place, he gave me a hug and thanked me for hanging out with him. He said we’ll probably hang out next week and I kind of just brushed it off and didn’t make a huge deal out of it because I’m not expecting it anymore. It just kind of sucks feeling like I’m the option. I know that I did this to myself and I really can’t be upset about it. But when you still have feelings for someone and they don’t treat you with the respect you deserve, it’s kind of hard not to take it personally.

When I woke up this morning, I was in a bad mood, I didn’t feel like getting up and getting ready for my internship. I didn’t even put my contacts in or put my makeup on. All I could think about was everything he had told me last night…and realizing that every time he tells me he’s hanging out with a girl or going to a girl’s apartment, that this could potentially mean he’s moving on. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true. I believe a guy can go over to a girl’s place with no intentions other than to hang out with her. But this is all preparing me for the possibility of that happening.

I hate that I continue to allow situations to control me. I need to get my emotions in check. I need to not make myself to available to him because I think that’s why I continue to end up feeling hurt. He doesn’t think twice about his words or actions and how they might affect other people. But the more I give into him, whether it’s helping him run errands or hanging out when it’s convenient for him, I need to stand my ground more, and not just say the words. I feel like every time I begin to get to a good place where I feel emotionally stable, I take two steps back and I end up right where I started. I want to start making progress and I want to move on. I NEED to move on. Hanging on to him is toxic and not benefiting me. I think I just don’t want to face the fact of what I need to do…which is to cut him off completely. As long as he’s still in my life and I’m still seeing him, talking to him, interacting with him, there’s always an increased chance of me getting hurt.

I wish I could say I don’t know what to do, but I know exactly what I want to do, I just don’t want to do it. For me, at this point, I feel like it’s a lose-lose situation…and I say that because he’s told me before that whatever I need to do, just let him know. If I want him to leave me alone and give me space, to just tell him. I fear that if I do that, he won’t even be affected at all. He has his work friends, he’s been hanging out with them a lot more than he has with me. So I feel like even if I did this, it’ll do nothing to him…because right now, with the way he’s been treating me, it’s like I don’t even exist to him at all. So what difference would it make if I told him not to see or speak to me?

Whatever. I know I deserve to be treated better and I don’t know why I continue to hold on to a person who’s presence is hurting me more than benefitting. me. Maybe it’s time I really start evaluating the pros and cons of this relationship and really decide if it’s worth continuing to put myself through all of this.

I may not be in the best of moods right now, but the minute I walk through those doors at work, my personal problems don’t exist. I need to focus my energy in the things that really matter. The moment I crack and allow this to bother me, is the moment I let him win. And I am DONE allowing him to win.

We’ve never been great at communicating to each other, so I don’t know if he has motives. I don’t know if he’s trying to make me jealous. I don’t know how he feels about me…even though he says he still has feelings for me, what does that even mean? I can’t keep thinking about this as much as I have been because it’s rotting me away. I’m too young to feel this damaged by one person.

I am not defined by my past. I am not defined by the choices I’ve made. I’m not defined by the way others treat me. I am defined by how I get up after I fall. How I recover. How I make my comeback. Life’s going to throw a whole bunch of curveballs at me. The real test will not be how I take the hit, but how I deal with the pain.

– beautifuldarkmystery

Have you been in a situation where you felt like it was controlling you instead of you controlling it? How did you handle yourself? How did you overcome this obstacle?

in order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.

Something profound happened today and I don’t know if it’s temporary or not, but I hope it’s not. Something spoke to me on the inside…it went straight to my heart. But basically, I had a realization that I’m holding on to nothing. The probability of me getting back together with him is very small. Like I mentioned in my last post, we’re complete opposites and it’s just not going to work out.

Anyway, my point is, often times, when we get caught up in something that seems to bring us so much happiness and joy, we sometimes forget to look at the bigger picture. Sure, there are lots of nice things, but when you look at longevity, how is this going to benefit you? Is it going to benefit you at all? When I take a step back and look at my relationship with him, do I miss the person or do I miss the feelings? Truthfully, I miss the feelings. He was my first love, so of course, this one’s going to be the hardest. It’s all I know. It’s the only love I know.

My problem is that I’ve wanted to be in a relationship for so long and I’ve wanted it so bad that I end up ruining it for myself every time I get into one. Not that it’s happened frequently. But I just need to chill out. Obviously, I am nowhere near ready to get back into one and it’s going to take some time. There are things I need to work on about myself before I can get back into another relationship. Then, when I least expect it, it will happen. I know because that’s exactly what happened before I got into this last one.

I’ve told myself a thousand times that I need to let go of him. I need to find someone who will treat me better, someone I can trust, someone I won’t have to worry about losing. I’m so afraid of losing him to someone else that it’s causing all of these unnecessary insecurities and jealousy and I don’t want any of those feelings. It doesn’t make me feel good and it doesn’t make me look like a terrible person.

The reality of it is finally beginning to set in, I fear. It’s a good thing though. I know the heart wants what it wants, but sometimes you have to say no to something in order to achieve greater. If I keep holding on to something that will never happen, how will I ever know what lies beyond? That is my worst fear with relationships…getting so caught up in something and holding on to it so tight that I put the blinders on and ignore potentially good matches.

I’m sure some of you have felt this way and can relate. Sometimes, I feel lost. Sometimes, I feel crazy. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal or if I’m losing my mind. But I think after today, I feel a sense of peace…something I haven’t felt in a while. I mean, sure, it’s still going to hurt when he finds another girl, but I can’t let that poison me. I have to free myself of those bonds, the ones that have been preventing me from moving on in my life.

There’s a quote from one of my favorite authors, Mitch Albom, that I often see that relates to all of this. “In order to move on, you need to understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.” It’s a quote that’s stuck with me ever since and it could no relate to my life more than it does now.

At the end of the day, whatever’s going to happen is going to happen. The more I begin to distance myself now, the less hurt I’ll end up. It sucks always feeling like you’re the more vulnerable one…and although there’s only so much you can do to protect yourself, you can try to take as many steps as you can to lessen the amount of pain. It’s going to hurt regardless, but this is the only life we’re given. We need to make the most of it instead of staying in the same place. We need to move on. I need to move on.

– beautifuldarkmystery

move on or remain in the same place.

We can’t help who we fall in love with…sometimes it’s with someone who may not be the best fit for us. Unfortunately, this applies to my life at the moment. I honestly thought that him moving closer to me would make things a lot better and I’d look forward to it. But if anything, it’s made things that much harder. But there’s nothing I can do about it.

I was talking to my mom on the phone last night and we talked about him. She said she doesn’t know what it is that I’m still attracted to about him. To tell you the truth, I don’t exactly know either. However, I think it’s more of the feelings I miss. I miss how I felt with him, I miss the memories, the little things, all of that.

But when I look at the bigger picture, we are complete opposites (hence, opposites attract, right?). We see things very differently. In my mind, I’m afraid of opening myself up to other guys or potentially showing interest because I feel like I’d be emotionally cheating on him…even though we are not together and we are not exclusive. For him, I don’t think that’s the case. For him, I think that not being in a relationship means he can do whatever he wants, which, yes, that’s true. But I don’t want to be someone’s option. I want to have more respect for myself than that. I need to have more respect for myself.

I hate that this still affects me. I wish I didn’t feel so much with my heart. That’s what breaks me. I hate that I’m still the one who’s sad and upset about it while he’s perfectly fine. He probably doesn’t even think twice about it.

I do want better for myself because I know that I deserve to be treated better than this. I just wish I didn’t let him hold me back because I know it’s not like that for him. I want to open my heart again but I know I’m nowhere near ready. They say you can’t look for love, you have to allow it to find you. When the time is right, someone will be placed in front of me. But my biggest fear with this whole thing is that I remain closed off and hold on to the hope that someday things will work out with him. I’ll miss out on opportunities to meet and get to know new people if I continue to live like this. I’m sure there are others who can relate to this situation.

This has been a ticking time bomb from the start. I think it’s really starting to hit me that this is the beginning of the end. In my mind, I’ve already started to accept that it’s never going to work out between us. I need to let go so that I can allow for something better. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person, because he’s not. I just need someone who’s able to provide for me what I need, and he can’t do that…even if he tried. There are parts of his personality that will never click with me and it doesn’t mean I hate him or dislike him as a person. I hope that, if we’re able to move past all of this, we can still be friends. But I see a long road ahead before that can happen.

The ultimate battle is head vs. heart. We’ve all been there before, we all know what that’s like. My mom tells me that one day I’ll wake up and I’ll feel different. It’s difficult to believe when my feelings are so strong, but I hope she’s right. I don’t want to hold on to someone who’s not going to respect me or my feelings…someone who can’t commit to a relationship. I know he has his reasons and they’re valid. But one day, I won’t be waiting around anymore. And it’ll be too late. And he won’t get me back.

– beautifuldarkmystery

better this way.

You know, I’ve always heard the saying that some people are meant to fall for each other, but not meant to be together. To be honest, that never made sense to me and I never understood how that was possible. However, now I believe in that. It practically sums up my non-existant relationship with this guy for the last year and a half.

Without a doubt, we were drawn to each other. It was attraction at first sight. Our hesitance got the best of us both. For fear of crossing that line, we were always afraid to make a move and in the end, that’s what destroyed our chances. I mean, perhaps our friendship was too valuable for him to risk it. I know feelings are only temporary and that eventually, they change, but if he claimed to have feelings for me for over a year, I would have thought we might actually have a chance here because it’s very rare I like the person who likes me back .

It was frustrating to know we couldn’t develop anything more than a friendship. I mean, unless we both have very different ideas of what it means to have feelings for someone. I can only validate my own. There are times I just want to blurt out everything I’ve kept bottled from him…every feeling and emotion…but then I think that I’d just be wasting my time. Showing him I’m vulnerable only hurts me in the end. My own hesitance is very self-destructive. When will I change my ways?

– beautifuldarkmystery

the heart wants what it can’t have.

I’ve never really understood what that meant until this year…when I realized that the guy I was falling for, woke up one morning and felt differently. I haven’t even been in love yet, but with these experiences I’ve been having, I’m fearful more than ever about falling in love.

I want to talk to him this weekend but I feel like that’s going to be pretty much pointless. In the end, it’s going to be me who pours my heart out, only to run right into a brick wall. There are some days I wish I never met him because then I wouldn’t be feeling any of this. But at the same time, I can’t regret all of the good times we have. I want to replay those memories instead. But the mind has a way of finding the negatives, especially my mind.

With my ex, yeah I was hurt when we broke up and it took me what seemed like forever to get over, but with this guy…I feel differently…worse. I felt like we were so close and then he changed his mind. It sucks always being the one who cares more…who wants the friendship/relationship more. For once, I want someone to be afraid to lose me. For once, I want someone to show me he cares.

Despite what’s happened…despite how dysfunctional this friendship is, there’s still a part of me that wants to be with him. Is that wrong? I told myself I would never be the type to fall for the “wrong guy,” but I guess, once you’re actually in the moment and you’re experiencing it for yourself…some things change. There are certain things I will never sacrifice, like my morals and values. For me to be in any relationship with a guy, he has to be able to respect, or even better, share those values.

It’s late and I’m tired. I’m probably not even making sense anymore. So I think I’ll just stop here…

-beautifuldarkmystery

maybe my expectations are too high.

Okay, I’m supposed to be writing an essay that’s due tomorrow, but I need somewhere to vent, so here it goes.

I am so tired of putting myself out there only to get rejected. I know I’ve said that I’m going to start pulling back, but I mean it this time. I am done with this. I think I can safely say I would be settling for less than I deserve if he and I went out. It sucks because I like him so much, but with everything that’s been going on between us lately (or lack of)…I don’t know that anything could develop. I think we’re better off as just friends.

All I want is to find a nice boy who will treat me well and show me that he cares about me. Is it really that much to ask? I don’t think I’m a high maintenance person, but it sure would be nice to feel like I’m cared about every once in a while. I guess the thing that frustrates me the most is that what he says and what he does are completely different.

And I know what most of you are going to say…just talk to him about it. Honestly, right now, I just want to brush it under the rug and not make a huge deal about it. For all I know, I could be overreacting to this whole situation. I just can’t help but feel a little hurt because I’ve done so much for him, and he can’t seem to return the deed.

I think the best thing for me to do right now is to pull away a little bit. I’m not saying I’m going to completely ignore him and make a big deal about this, but I need to lay off a little. If he really cares, he’ll step up. It’ll be hard, but I have to do this.

And I thought things would be easier being single…psh.

-beautifuldarkmystery