we don’t always get the closure we want.

Wow, I haven’t written anything here in a while. That’s partly because the last couple of months have been a bit busier for me. I wish I could sit here and say my life’s been full of exciting events that I’m dying to talk about, but that’s not the case. Although, something did happen last month that I’d like to reflect on.

So last month, I made the bold move of sending him an e-mail. At that point, it had been nearly six months since we spoke to each other and I just wanted to clear the air. I put a lot of thought into it. I spoke right from the heart because I wanted to know that, if this was our last exchange, that I got everything I needed to say off my chest and I can let it be. I’ve always been the type of person who searches for closure in any situation. Sadly, as I’m growing older, I’m learning that you don’t always get the closure you want.

It took him a few days to respond. Of course, when I wrote it, I had to tell myself that he wasn’t going to respond. As much as I wanted him to acknowledge I reached out to him, why would he? I was the one who cut him off. I was the one who decided to stop talking to him. I was the one who cut the strings. So he doesn’t owe me anything. Yet, I felt like I owed HIM something, which is also not quite right.

But anyway, I don’t know why I was expecting this heartfelt response, but when I read what he wrote, I was a little hurt, but not enough to put me in a tailspin. However, I would have rather him not reply at all than get the response I did. And THAT’S the moment when I knew that I’d done everything I could. This friendship could not be saved. We’re both at that point where we’ve just given up on each other…not because we want to, but because we have to. Even if this were to continue, it’d be toxic for the both of us.

So from that point on, I decided I was not going to tamper with this anymore. It’s better to let it be and let bygones be bygones. I don’t hold grudges. I’m not mad anymore. I can’t be disappointed anymore. It’s time to move on. I’ve spent more than enough time trying to hold on to something that was gone a long time ago. I’m a stubborn person, and as much as I felt like I gave up on him, obviously there was always a part of me that was still trying and willing to turn this around.

At some point in your life, you have to learn that people will never change. They’ll never be the version you want them to be. Sometimes, you have to pick up the pieces on your own and carry yourself through the pain. But no matter what happens, you have to realize that you’re not the bad guy. It takes two people to get to a place like this. As much as I took the blame, I have to tell myself that this wasn’t entirely my fault. But I’m not here to point fingers. I’ve accepted my wrongdoings, I’ve apologized for them, and now it’s time to move on…once and for all.

The worst part is that it’s always going to hurt a little. It’s going to hurt because I care. Sometimes I hate that I care so much, but there’s someone out there for all of us. It might take a little while until we find that person, but when we do, it’ll be worth it. Every heartbreak. Every ounce of pain we’ve ever endured. None of that will matter anymore once we find our other half.

– beautifuldarkmystery

hold on to that feeling.

You know that feeling you sometimes get when you just know that everything is going to be okay? I wish I could hold on to that feeling. I wish it never went away. I’ve been doing better for the most part…aside from the occasional slips and I fall back into those ruts.

I think the most important thing to focus on right now is how far I’ve gotten. This has been one roller coaster of a journey and sometimes, I can’t help but sit and think that this was a lot more difficult than it needed to be. Sometimes, I reflect on the decisions I’ve made and how I’ve handled certain situations and I wonder if maybe I did over-react or maybe I could have handled it differently. But there I go again…thinking about the past when clearly, there’s nothing I can do to change it. So why bother???

The fact that I still continue to try and justify my actions and choices makes me a little sad. I shouldn’t have to feel like I have to explain myself to anyone. I often wonder what he’s thinking…if he thinks I just simply gave up just because we’re not talking anymore…especially when I said I’d always be there for him and that I wasn’t going anywhere. Well, to be honest, I think we were both a little naive. I had to make the decisions I made in order to be happy again. I wasn’t happy with the way things were going. I wasn’t happy with the way I was being treated. There’s a difference between giving up and knowing when you’ve had enough. I’m a pretty tolerant person and it takes a lot for me to walk away, especially when I’ve fought so hard and so long for something/someone.

I need to stop worrying about what he’s thinking. His opinion of me shouldn’t matter. Right now, I need to focus on myself and focus on the people I still DO have…the people who genuinely care about my well-being and want to see my happy. I need to get rid of any toxins….any negative energy and give myself a chance to breathe and recollect.

to be honest, I don’t know if we’ll ever be friends again. As much as I want to, I have to think how having him back in my life would affect me…and after everything I went through with him, I don’t want to put myself through any of that all over again…especially when it’s taken me this long to make any sort of progress.

I know it sounds like all I’m doing is complaining, but I’m just trying to think out loud. My natural tendency is to overthink a lot of things…if only all of this was as easy as the flip of a switch, right?

-beautifuldarkmystery

goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem.

I think most people feel it is immature to cut someone completely out of your life, but sometimes it’s necessary. I’ve decided that this is what I need to do with my ex. Right now, it’s just too difficult to go back to being just friends when we’ve already crossed that line.

I’ve cut him out once before, but that was a while ago, and before anything really happened. At the time, all that HAD happened was that we confessed our feelings for each other. But he couldn’t make up his mind about how he felt about me and every time we tried to be more than friends, he’d pull back because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. So finally, I got fed up and cut him off. I didn’t speak to him, I only saw him when necessary (I was still in school at the time). But that was it. And as much as it sucked not being able to see him or hang out with him, allowing that time for myself helped the healing process. For the most part, my feelings for him were starting to go away because I had finally gotten to the point where I didn’t want to wait around anymore.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, for the longest time, I thought that cutting him off was a stupid thing to do and it seemed very childish. But seeing as how much pain I’m causing myself by trying to be in the friendship, I know exactly why I did it in the first place. I haven’t had the conversation with him yet, but I am waiting until he is done with finals because I know he’s not going to like this. He absolutely hated it that last time I did this and for the longest time, that was the reason he was scared to get into a relationship with me. Not losing me completely was more important to him than being in a relationship. But if he’s really my friend and loves me like he says he does, then he’ll understand why I need to do this. He will let me go. It’s going to hurt so much and if there was some other way I could go about this, I would. But right now, even just trying to be friends, it’s not working and I’m sacrificing my own happiness to be in this friendship and I’m tired of being sad all the time. I need to completely separate myself from him…however long that’s going to take. And if or when I am ready, we can try to be friends again.

But I need to completely remove him from my life. That means, no speaking to him, I can’t see him, I’ve removed every photo of us I have up in my room, I need a clean cut in order to move forward. I wish I wasn’t that type of person because it all sounds so drastic and unnecessary, but I feel like this is the only way. Sometimes, you have to be a little selfish and put yourself before anyone else. It sucks I’m going to hurt him in the process too, but like I said, if he’s truly my friend, he will understand that I need to do this for myself.

It’s never easy saying goodbye to a friend, especially when that friend has been such an important part of your life…this person has become a part of you. But goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem. But I need to move on. The longer I try to hold on, the more painful this is going to be. He’s told me he wants to give this another chance, but at this point, I don’t see a happy ending for us. Maybe in another life…

– beautifuldarkmystery

jealousy is such an ugly feeling.

I hate feeling jealous. But then again, who loves it? That’s what I thought. It’s such a waste of energy because it’s like what’s the point? You can’t control the way people feel or think, so what’s the use in “worrying” about something you can’t change? Right? I hate that I still get jealous every time I see him hug another girl or every time I think there’s something going on. I try to brush it off because I don’t want to be one of those people that gets jealous over everything. At this point, I know that in my mind there’s NO WAY things will EVER work out between us. And honestly, I could care less if we’re still friends. I’ve stopped making an effort because I don’t think I can ever be friends with him again. It’s hard…once you’ve developed strong feelings for someone, it’s hard to get over. I mean, pretty much for the most part, I AM over it…but there will always be that small part of me that holds on and it’s frustrating. But let’s just say, hypothetically, he gets into a relationship (my worst nightmare), how am I supposed to be happy for him when I still have deeply rooted feelings? It’s not fair to either one of us. That’s why the whole friendship thing isn’t going to work for us.

I can see he’s still trying to make an effort to stay in my life…not as much as when he liked me and was trying to do everything to impress me…but every now and then, he’ll either say or do something to show me that he’s trying. I want to tell him that he’s wasting his time because I’ve slowly stopped making an effort. I can’t do this anymore.

I think there’s a bigger issue to look at here. I try not to hold grudges because A) it’s not healthy for my own being and B) it’s also a waste of energy. However, looking at this situation as a whole, I think I am holding a grudge against him that I just need to let go of. I hate when people make me look stupid and I’m still upset over the things he did to me. I know I need to get over it and move on…but any of you who’ve been in this situation before will understand where I’m coming from.

I know that with time, things will get better. I held a grudge against my ex for the longest time, but now I’m over it…but that took how long??? Exactly. There are lots of things I need to work on about myself and I’ll get there. Change like this doesn’t happen over night. But I hope that one day, I can learn to let go of the past and move forward…because as long as I keep dwelling on it, I’m running in circles going nowhere.

– beautifuldarkmystery

i’m going to get hurt.

Now it’s only a matter of time. I feel like ever since we started school, “Tom’s” been pulling away from me. Perhaps he started hanging out with that other girl again. The conversations we have aren’t the ones we had over the summer. This sucks. I know I’m going to get hurt, I can feel it coming, and the worst part is that it’s too late. There’s nothing I can do to prevent it. It’s inevitable.

He told me he wants to drive up next weekend but I don’t think that’s going to happen. This sucks…how is it that I’ve had feelings for someone for two years who doesn’t have those same feelings back? I can’t fight them. And the thing is…for a second there, I thought he felt the same. So why hold back? Why try to fight it?

This is dangerous. I don’t like being home alone…just me and my thoughts…in nothing but silence. That’s when the wheels start turning and I think and think and think and think.  I don’t know what to do…I think I need to have this talk with him, and better sooner than later.

-beautifuldarkmystery

nothing’s going to change.

Same routine. We go to class, sit next each other, ask, “How are you?” and that’s pretty much it. I couldn’t help but glance at him a few times and think about how frustrating this is. I keep telling myself I can’t do this, but at the same time, I don’t want to let go. Why? Seriously…I’m trying to act normal around him, but I’m sure he can read right through it. I think he can sense that I’m pulling away from him because when class was over, I looked at him and said goodbye, and he kind of had this sad look on his face and he waved goodbye. I left the building with one of my other friends.

The day I find a guy who’s as emotionally mature as I am and serious about being in a relationship will be the sign of the apocalypse, I feel. I seem to be looking in all the wrong places. I’ve got to come up with a new plan here…

There are only about 19 days left in the semester, including finals week. I just need to hang in there for 19 more days. I can do this. I think. I wish he was better at communicating so we could just talk about this. But I know that it’ll be useless. No matter what I say, nothing is going to change. Nothing.

-beautifuldarkmystery

my dream last night.

It was so real that it could have happened in real life. I wish I could control my dreams…meaning that I wish I could tell myself what to dream about. The nights I want to dream about him, I dream about completely random things…when I least expect to dream about him…that’s when I dream about him.

So I don’t know where we were, but there were picnic tables and there were other students around. The classroom looked unfamiliar though. We were all sitting on the ground in a circle. I was sitting next to him. I leaned my head on his shoulder and from there, we started being affectionate with each other. We sat extremely close to each other, I held his hands, we didn’t stop hugging each other…and all of this happened, knowing that he was interested in someone else. It was like I won him back or something. THIS IS TORTURE. I know that’s never going to happen so I don’t even know why I had a dream like that.

On another note, things were a little tense between us during class today. We didn’t talk that much. However, when he got out of his next class, he stopped by the office of the professor I help on Mondays and Tuesdays, and we talked for like a minute. Then he moved toward me like he wasn’t sure if he should give me a hug or not and he did. So I mean, yeah, he’s trying, but I hate that things are so awkward between us now. I try to act normal around him, but he has NO IDEA….no idea how difficult it is for me.

You know, I really hope that one day he’ll know what this feels like. I hope he meets someone in his life that he truly loves and cares about…someone he’s afraid to lose…someone who doesn’t want him as much as he wants her. I really want him to know what this feels like. But until that happens, he’ll NEVER understand what it’s like for me. I haven’t cared so much about a person ever. I care so much that it hurts. Story of my life. I’m still waiting for the day I meet someone who’s afraid to lose me.

-beautifuldarkmystery

no regrets and i feel much better.

So that’s it. We’re not friends anymore. Last night I texted him saying that I’m willing to put all of this behind us and move forward. He said he was glad, and then I asked him if he would at least be willing to talk to me on Monday and he said that if he got out of his class early, he would let me know. I knew going into today that this wasn’t happening. I went into this with no expectations and it’s a good thing I did because I was right. He never showed up.

I was sitting outside on a bench waiting for him to text me and I was writing down all the things I wanted to say to him on my computer. I was so focused on my thoughts that I didn’t even notice that he walked right past me. He was with another girl, I don’t know if this was the same one I saw last Tuesday. It was his voice that caught my attention and I knew it was him. He just walked right past me and didn’t say a word. I looked up as they were walking away and confirmed that it was in fact him. I was mad, so I called my mom and talked to her for a little bit on the phone, in tears. I’ve done nothing but give him chances and try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I can only do that for so long. A few minutes later, I see him walk into the library, with the same girl, and I was so hurt and so mad at him.

The thing is, at that point I wasn’t even hurt or jealous that he was hanging out with another girl. I was hurt because he couldn’t even be my friend. I don’t believe he did it on purpose, I just think he doesn’t know how to act around me right now because he probably feels that he ruined things. Here I go again, trying to defend him. I truly don’t believe he’s a bad person. I know he has good intentions, but he doesn’t realize his actions are costing him big time. He says one thing but acts another way. I think he’s been beating himself up over feeling like he hurt me two weeks ago when he dropped the bomb on me. But instead of trying to avoid me, he should have just told me he wasn’t ready. It was as simple as that.

All I wanted was five minutes of his time and if he would have sat here and talked to me, he could have walked away feeling better about the whole situation, but no…he chose to avoid it completely instead. No one likes confrontation, they don’t want to have to deal with the feelings that comes with being confronted. However, if he would have just listened to me, he would have heard all of the great things I had to say about him…how much I appreciated having him in my life, all of the things he did for me that he didn’t realize. I know I didn’t owe him any sort of explanation whatsoever, but I wanted to do this to try and clear the air, or at least talk it out so there would be no misunderstandings. I wanted us to move forward from this. If anything, I was the one who deserved an explanation.

After talking to my mom, I went to the bookstore to get some supplies and as I was walking back, he was walking towards me. I knew he saw me because when he did, he immediately looked down at his phone to avoid eye contact with me. I got to the bench, where I’m sitting now, and I sent him a long text saying that we’re not friends anymore. Was this slightly out of impulse, yes, I’m not going to lie. However, I don’t want someone in my life who refuses to communicate with me. That’s a failed friendship in the making. I know he was trying so hard not to make me more upset than I already was, but what he doesn’t realize is that his actions are only digging him in a deeper hole. His excuse for why he didn’t want to talk to me today was that he was still “feeling like s***” about what he did and he felt like he couldn’t face me. Okay, well if that was the case, all he had to do was say that! Am I wrong? But no, he chose to not even let me know he was going to talk to me today and now it looks bad when I see him walking around campus with another girl.

Obviously he wasn’t getting it, so I finally put my foot down and said we can’t be friends anymore. I can’t have people in my life who won’t communicate with me. His excuse was that this girl asked him to walk her to the bus stop and then he had dinner plans at 4:15. Okay A) I saw him twice walking around campus, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the bus stop and B) He had made a previous obligation to talk to me, but instead he chose to avoid this and not even tell me he wasn’t going to show up. I had to see it for myself! None of this would have happened if he just told me he didn’t feel ready to talk and I would have completely understood. He just doesn’t get it and I don’t know that he ever will. It’s sad because I want the best for him, but I truly believe he’s emotionally stunted and needs to make some serious changes if he wants to better himself.

So as of right now, we are not friends and I made it very black-and-white for him. Unless he can really show me he can be the friend he claims to be, I can’t trust him, I will never open up to him, I won’t even call him a friend. To be treated like a friend means you have to act like one. And he’s got a lot to prove if he ever thinks about being my friend again. The weird thing is…I actually felt better and even slightly happy after telling him we couldn’t be friends. I thought that was strange. Regardless, I am glad I finally was able to say something and I feel like I said it in an appropriate way, it wasn’t out of line. I could have been much more harsh with my words, but I wasn’t. I deleted him off my Facebook, and now I feel as though as weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This is a weird feeling because for someone I considered a good fried and someone I couldn’t think about living without, I seem to be doing just fine…so what does that really tell me?

-beautifuldarkmystery

And just for the record, I don’t feel like I gave up on him…I just got tired of waiting around on someone who’s actions contradicts his own words. If he ever figures it out, I will gladly be friends with him again, but like I said…he has a lot to prove to me if I mean anything to him.

i felt my heart drop to my stomach.

Normally on Tuesdays, I help out a professor from 1PM-3PM after my one class. However, this week, she told me to come Wednesday instead of Tuesday. I was kind of relieved because this meant I wouldn’t have to see him. He has a class around the same time I arrive at the building and he normally waits outside in the hall. So since I didn’t have to work for her today, that meant avoiding him…or so I thought. Even though I didn’t have to help her today, I still had to stay on campus to do an interview for one of my assignments. I took a different path than I normally did and I ended up walking right behind him. I know, just my luck. Anyway, I didn’t even notice at first because there were so many people (it was passing period so people were everywhere, going in all directions). All of a sudden I see his backpack and recognize it, then I look up even more and see that it’s him. He was walking with this girl who was wearing a black laced top and mint jeans. I couldn’t see her face because she was walking in front of me and she was wearing sunglasses. I don’t know if this is the new girl he supposedly likes, but I was CRUSHED. I literally whispered, “Oh s***” under my breath and I quickly tried to go around them, hoping he didn’t see me. When I got to the building my interview was in, I looked through the tinted window and I saw them walking. My heart began to race and I could feel a new wave of pain settling in. This is so difficult for me. For once, I really want the guy I can’t have. He doesn’t feel the same about me anymore and I don’t want to believe it.

I really wish I hadn’t invested so many feelings in this nonexistent relationship from the start because whenever there are feelings involved, you know you’re basically doomed. It’s my own fault and he’s tried to apologize to me thinking this is his fault, but I know it was my own. I set myself up for this one. This is the type of stuff you see in the movies, and now it’s actually happening in my own life. I don’t know how I feel about that. There’s so much drama but I don’t want to be involved.

And I know I need to stop comparing myself to other girls. I know there will always be someone better than me out there…someone smarter, someone prettier, etc. But I don’t know how to get over this self-confidence issue. I think because I was having issues before  I even met him, this just makes everything worse. I think I need to have faith now more than ever. I need to trust that there’s a guy out there for me who’s going to love me for who I am, with or without makeup, a guy who’ll see my flaws and accept them, a guy who will help me become a better person. I have to trust. I guess it’s just hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel right now because I’ve been so unsuccessful in this area of my life.

I really could use a friend tomorrow, so I’m going to grab dinner with one of my friends, we’ll call him Andy, after my last class. I just want someone to talk to and he said he’ll meet up with me. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this already, but the thing that bothers me the most about this situation is that I bet he (the guy I like) is not as affected by this as I am. He supposedly doesn’t let anything bother him, so I’m worried that he doesn’t even care that I’m not talking to him right now. I mean, he was fine talking to that girl today. I don’t understand how he can just move on like that so quickly. I will never be able to begin to express my frustration and pain. But I’m going to go to class like nothing’s wrong. I don’t want him to see me suffer because I think that’s the WORST thing I could do right now. It’s a good thing I’ve got other friends in that class I can talk to.

But I definitely didn’t like what I saw this morning. The thing is, I knew that I was going to be disappointed in the end. Our “friendship” was based on words…not actions. Now I’m paying the price. I’m so stupid sometimes, that I think that maybe I’m better off not being in a relationship. I mean, obviously, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I know that people say you find what you’re looking for when you stop looking for it, but this is driving me crazy. All I want is to have a guy in my life who will love me, treat me with respect, and shows me that he wants to be with me. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.

Now that I think about it, I’m noticing a pattern I’ve developed. This isn’t a bad thing, but I’ve noticed that pretty much every guy friend I’ve had in my life is gay. I wonder why this is…perhaps it’s because I know they can’t hurt me in that way. I’m going to be real for a second. I don’t think a guy and a girl can just be friends without one developing feelings for the other at some point (unless you’re in my situation, where that’s just not possible). That’s my opinion and I’ve got proof in my own life for justification. As much as I want to forgive “Tom” right now, I can’t, and I don’t know when I will. It’s not that I’m trying to hold a grudge or anything. I really want him to see that what he did was not okay. I even told him in my Facebook message that things will never be the same after this…no matter how hard he tries to believe that. I don’t even think he realizes that. Just because I’m mad at him right now, doesn’t mean I don’t care about him. I’ll still be here for him, but I can’t be a friend to him RIGHT NOW. It’s just too painful.

As much as I don’t want things to work out with this girl, that’s not being a good friend. I know that if two people are meant to be together, they’ll find their way back. I don’t know what it is about him that I’m still so very attracted to, but I need to believe that. If we are truly meant to be together, then it will happen. But something is telling me that this is it. I’m friend-zoned from here on out.

Okay, this was way longer than I intended it to be. I’m so sorry. I really need somewhere to let everything out. I can’t keep my emotions bottled up any longer. I can’t wait to have dinner with my friend tomorrow, because I need this. I need to talk to someone and get some advice. I feel so lost right now.

-beautifuldarkmystery