un-friended.

Yesterday I deleted my ex off of Facebook. Some people may see that as an immature way to handle things, but sometimes it’s necessary, especially for someone like me, who’s been having a difficult time trying to move on. Sometimes, you need that clean break from an ex in order to even have the slightest chance of moving on.

We live in a generation where our lives revolve around social media. These are the main ways we stay connected to our friends…we find out what they’re doing through what they post. I’ve been thinking about this for the past week now. I knew that un-friending him meant I would no longer be able to see what’s going on in his life, and he would no longer be able to see what’s going on in mine.

I won’t go into too much detail about my situation, but we have been in this limbo since we broke up (which was about five months). We weren’t even in a relationship that long so it’s weird calling him my ex. But anyway, he’s made it clear to me in the last five months that he still has feelings for me but he doesn’t want to get back into a relationship any time soon. It has been THIS cycle that has caused me so much frustration because I don’t know what he wants from me. One day he’ll act like he wants me, the next he’ll act completely different. I’ve been unhappy through all of this, so enough is enough. I’ve learned that I need to come to a decision for myself…that we are never getting back together.

Unfortunately, since I’ve been in this cycle for a while now, it’s made it super difficult for me to move on…which is why I resorted to deleting him off of social media. Unfortunately, I lacked the self control and discipline and found myself visiting his Facebook page every once in a while to see what he was up to. Then, when I saw he was hanging out with his new friends, I would get my feelings hurt and I would feel left out and then I would get upset all over again. I want to get to that point where I’m not affected by the simplest of things. So I need a clean break. Cold turkey. I need to cut him off. It’s the only way…for me at least.

They say you should always trust your gut feeling. I was reluctant for the longest time about deleting him from social media, Facebook specifically, because I felt like if I did, I would lose him. But the irony of it all has been that…I’ve been holding on to him so tightly and I’ve been holding on to the hope that we would get back together that in many ways, I’ve already lost him. And like I said, I knew that once I did it, I wouldn’t be able to know what was going on in his life. But that’s the whole point of all of this. I need to break this habit of needing to know what he’s doing. I don’t want to be THAT person. Anyway, back to my point, my gut feeling told me I needed to do this. If I wanted any chance of moving on, I need a clean break. I thought I would feel regretful and sad after I did it, but surprisingly, I felt liberated, I suddenly felt like one of those chains had been broken and I felt a sense of freedom. I know it sounds crazy, but I guess I didn’t realize how much I was allowing this one person to hold me down. I don’t want to do that anymore.

I don’t know if he’s even noticed yet, but I’m not going to tell him I did it. The whole point of this is trying to be as subtle as possible. I don’t want to make a huge deal out of it. I’m just doing what I think is necessary for me in order to be happy again. Sometimes we have to be a little selfish and I’ve put his feelings before mine for way too long now and it hasn’t been reciprocated.

I know that this is just the beginning. But it’s a step in the right direction. I want to get to that place where I feel no bitterness towards him. Right now, because feelings are still so raw, I’m a little more sensitive than I should be to certain situations. I know that deep down in my heart, he has a piece of me I’ll never get back…but if I can move on for the most part and be okay, then that’s when I’ll know. It’s been difficult because he was my first love, so unfortunately, it’s the only love I know. But I know I’ll get there some day. It just might take a while, and that’s okay. But based on how I felt after I un-friended him, I knew it was the right thing to do. He might see it as an immature way to handle it, but if he really loves me, he’ll let me go.

– beautifuldarkmystery

Have you ever deleted an ex from social media after breaking up? Why or why not? Did it help you?

beyond frustrated.

At this point, I really don’t know what to do anymore…I don’t know what’s right. Yesterday was the first day of my internship and I was really excited to start working there and finally have something to keep my mind off of my personal issues. He texted me about 30 minutes before I got off and asked if I wanted to get something to eat, and, of course, I agreed.

Rewind. It was his birthday a couple of days ago. A couple weeks ago we had talked about what he wanted to do and at the time, he invited me to whatever it was that he was going to plan. The weeks go by and I continue to hear nothing about it. I wasn’t going to bring him up because I didn’t know if he’d changed his mind about inviting me and I didn’t want to make it awkward. Anyway, his birthday rolls around. I texted him in the morning to wish him a happy birthday and all he said was thanks. Then that was pretty much it. I got him a gift, I wrapped it and made it look nice…and then I waited. The whole day goes by and I don’t hear from him. I knew he had a work-related event that day so I was trying not to make a huge deal out of it. Before I know it, the whole day is gone and by the time I saw that it was 9PM, I gave up and thought to myself, forget it. So I changed back into my pjs and watched my tv shows, trying not to avoid the fact that my feelings were hurt.

When I picked him up, I asked what he felt like eating, and he said, “I don’t know, but anything that’s cheap and fast.” When he said this, I now felt like I was being bum-rushed and then I was slightly irritated. We ended up eating at Wendy’s, but I wasn’t expecting anything less, to be honest. So I asked him how the event went and how his birthday was. He proceeded to tell me he hung out with his friends the whole day and had dinner with a girl at her apartment and then went to the event. Then his roommates had friends over by the time he got back so he hung out with all of them until about 2 in the morning. The more he was telling me about what he did, the more irritated and hurt I felt because I thought he would have wanted to spend at least part of his birthday with me, but I guess that wasn’t the case. I wasn’t really mad because at this point, that’s exactly what I expect from him. I’m just there when he needs me. But I did make a point of telling him that for future reference, if plans change (granted, this time he didn’t really know how his day was going to pan out), to just let me know so I’m not waiting around. Then he felt really bad…because technically I could have started my internship on his birthday, but because I didn’t know what he was doing, I made sure I kept that day available just in case. But I wasn’t going to make a huge deal out of it.

Another thing that bothers me is that he always seems tired when we hang out. I don’t know if he’s aware of how that makes me feel, but I feel like if you’re really that tired, then why bother hanging out with me if this is what it’s going to be like. I feel like I am wasting his time. And I said that, maybe not so direct. But I did say something like, “Well if you’re that tired, then you could have just stayed home. I wouldn’t have minded.” Then he always says the same thing. “But I wanted to hang out.” I’m sure he doesn’t act this tired around his other friends.

I know this all probably sounds very high school, but it’s not even about the fact that I didn’t get invited to whatever birthday plans he may have had. It’s more about the fact that I feel like ever since he moved down here, I’ve just been the “side chick.” I feel like I’m just the friend to go to when he has no one else to hang out with or nothing else better to do. That’s not a great feeling. I also don’t feel like I am appreciated as a friend…as a person.

The last time we hung out, he mentioned he had to run a couple of errands and asked me if I could drive him so it would go faster. Of course, I said yes. He had a whole day off before we hung out where he could have run his errands. But no, he was out with his friends. So what does he do? He waits until the day WE hang out, cutting into OUR time together, so he can run his stupid errands. I know I really have no right to complain because I could have just said no and been done with it. I’m usually passive aggressive about things but I let him know that this is not going to be okay…that he can’t make a habit out of me running his errands with him just because I have a car and he doesn’t. And at some point, I’ll have to draw the line too, and just say no.

Last night when we hung out, we were trying to find a place to eat and we drove by a Target. As we were driving back to his place, he asked if we could stop by the Target. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and it wasn’t like I had to go out of my way to get there…it was on the way back, so I said yes. As we were getting out of the car and heading into the store, he put his arm around me and thanked me for making this stop. I hinted to him how it made me feel by saying, “Yeah, no problem…because that’s all I’m good for, right?”

Then we got into the store, I thought he actually had to get stuff he needed…he got a dvd. That was it. As we were walking up to the front to pay for it, he starts poking me. This is his personality. This is who he is. When he feels there’s tension, he tries to break it by poking me or acting obnoxious, but it was actually annoying me even more.

When I finally pulled up to the front of his place, he gave me a hug and thanked me for hanging out with him. He said we’ll probably hang out next week and I kind of just brushed it off and didn’t make a huge deal out of it because I’m not expecting it anymore. It just kind of sucks feeling like I’m the option. I know that I did this to myself and I really can’t be upset about it. But when you still have feelings for someone and they don’t treat you with the respect you deserve, it’s kind of hard not to take it personally.

When I woke up this morning, I was in a bad mood, I didn’t feel like getting up and getting ready for my internship. I didn’t even put my contacts in or put my makeup on. All I could think about was everything he had told me last night…and realizing that every time he tells me he’s hanging out with a girl or going to a girl’s apartment, that this could potentially mean he’s moving on. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true. I believe a guy can go over to a girl’s place with no intentions other than to hang out with her. But this is all preparing me for the possibility of that happening.

I hate that I continue to allow situations to control me. I need to get my emotions in check. I need to not make myself to available to him because I think that’s why I continue to end up feeling hurt. He doesn’t think twice about his words or actions and how they might affect other people. But the more I give into him, whether it’s helping him run errands or hanging out when it’s convenient for him, I need to stand my ground more, and not just say the words. I feel like every time I begin to get to a good place where I feel emotionally stable, I take two steps back and I end up right where I started. I want to start making progress and I want to move on. I NEED to move on. Hanging on to him is toxic and not benefiting me. I think I just don’t want to face the fact of what I need to do…which is to cut him off completely. As long as he’s still in my life and I’m still seeing him, talking to him, interacting with him, there’s always an increased chance of me getting hurt.

I wish I could say I don’t know what to do, but I know exactly what I want to do, I just don’t want to do it. For me, at this point, I feel like it’s a lose-lose situation…and I say that because he’s told me before that whatever I need to do, just let him know. If I want him to leave me alone and give me space, to just tell him. I fear that if I do that, he won’t even be affected at all. He has his work friends, he’s been hanging out with them a lot more than he has with me. So I feel like even if I did this, it’ll do nothing to him…because right now, with the way he’s been treating me, it’s like I don’t even exist to him at all. So what difference would it make if I told him not to see or speak to me?

Whatever. I know I deserve to be treated better and I don’t know why I continue to hold on to a person who’s presence is hurting me more than benefitting. me. Maybe it’s time I really start evaluating the pros and cons of this relationship and really decide if it’s worth continuing to put myself through all of this.

I may not be in the best of moods right now, but the minute I walk through those doors at work, my personal problems don’t exist. I need to focus my energy in the things that really matter. The moment I crack and allow this to bother me, is the moment I let him win. And I am DONE allowing him to win.

We’ve never been great at communicating to each other, so I don’t know if he has motives. I don’t know if he’s trying to make me jealous. I don’t know how he feels about me…even though he says he still has feelings for me, what does that even mean? I can’t keep thinking about this as much as I have been because it’s rotting me away. I’m too young to feel this damaged by one person.

I am not defined by my past. I am not defined by the choices I’ve made. I’m not defined by the way others treat me. I am defined by how I get up after I fall. How I recover. How I make my comeback. Life’s going to throw a whole bunch of curveballs at me. The real test will not be how I take the hit, but how I deal with the pain.

– beautifuldarkmystery

Have you been in a situation where you felt like it was controlling you instead of you controlling it? How did you handle yourself? How did you overcome this obstacle?

i miss him.

I guess this is all part of the vicious cycle of trying to get over someone. I woke up this morning and started having all these flashbacks of him…all good ones. It doesn’t help when you’re trying to move on, but your mind keeps wandering back to those familiar places. I’ve been so tempted to text him lately, but I know that’s not what’s best for me at the moment. I’m trying to limit my contact with him.

It’s unfortunate that this is how things have to be, but I mean, it was inevitable. How distant he was on my birthday was somewhat of a reality check. THIS is our reality now. It’s so frustrating when you think someone wants the relationship, but in the end, he backs out because he’s “too afraid of ruining the friendship.” Is that really the case though?

I’ve had plenty of input on this situation, some from my guy friends (you wouldn’t believe how much that helps sometimes). At the end of the day, I am only in control of my own feelings. I don’t know what he’s really thinking or what he really wants. And as much as I miss him, I can’t go running back to him the minute I feel this way. I need to have more power and control. I want HIM to feel like he’s the one who’s going to regret this. Not the other way around.

– beautifuldarkmystery

dreading this conversation.

So I visited one of my good friends because he’s kind of going through some stuff and I wanted to be a good friend because he’s always been there for me. Anyways, I told him about my current situation and he said the only way I’ll get the answer I’m looking for is by talking to him (the guy I like). Shocker. It seems to make more sense when someone else says it. But I thought his advice was interesting. He said that by talking to him, I’ll get the answers I’m looking for, though they may not necessarily be the answers I want. He said I need to be blunt and just tell him how I feel. Easier said than done for me.

I don’t want to have this conversation because I don’t want to make things awkward between us. Yet, at the same time, I want to define whatever this is. I know he’s a nice guy, but there are just some instances where it seems like he’s treating me as more than just a friend. I mean, perhaps he’s waiting for me to make the first move since he was the one who did so last time. This meteor is headed to earth and there’s not much time left until it crashes.

-beautifuldarkmystery

mixed signals, mixed feelings.

Sooooo I need some help. So as most of you know, I’ve been dealing with this guy, we call him “Tom,” for about a year and a half now. We both had feelings for each other but didn’t do anything about it. We both felt like we were ready for that type of relationship. Well, I was, but he wasn’t. I just don’t think he knows how to handle himself in these types of situations. Plus, we’re both very awkward people and it doesn’t take much to make each other feel awkward. it kind of sucks, I know, and I don’t know how to change that.

Anyways, here’s my dilemma. So “Tom” and I are working on a project together, so obviously, we’ll be spending a lot of time with each other. Yesterday was a good example. So a group of us headed to the beach where we’ll be working on this project and the whole time he was either joking around trying to push me over or shove me into the water or giving me hugs from behind. But I can’t believe he actually picked me up and started going towards the ocean. I told him to stop because I had my cameras and cell phone but he insisted on getting me wet. Jerk.

When we got back to our friend’s house (where everyone met up), I got out of my car to help them get their stuff out of the trunk and he got out of his car and walked over to the rest of us. He comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me and just stands there, despite the fact that everyone was there. I don’t know. Maybe he was just trying to be nice, but I can’t help but feel like there’s something else going on. NOT getting my hopes up and to be honest, even if he did feel the same way, as much as I’d want this relationship to happen, I don’t think I can be in one with someone who doesn’t know what he wants. To me, you either want me or you don’t. But maybe that’s where we see things differently.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i’ve been thinking about it a little more.

Okay, so I really want to get something off my chest and I feel like this is the best place to do it. First off, I just want to say that for those of you who have given me advice or have told me you love my blog, I really appreciate it and I can’t thank you enough. It makes me feel so much better to know that I’m not alone and that others can relate. Sometimes, I think that’s all we need…honestly.

I’ve been thinking about “Tom” a lot lately. Ever since he told me he started hanging out with someone and felt like he had to ask me where we stood in our “relationship” so that it could be clearly defined for him, I’ve been thinking about whether this friendship is even worth it. I feel like ever since I met him, I’ve been trying to convince myself to stay in it because he means so much to me and blah blah blah.

A few days ago, I sat at my computer, turned my webcam on, and hit the record button. In one take, I sat in front of the screen, talking as if he were right across from me…and something happened that I didn’t expect…I cried. When I finished recording, I did some editing and exported it. The thing is…I don’t think I’ll ever show it to him. My family doesn’t even know about this…not even my sister, whom I tell practically everything to. It’s more for personal reasons I guess. I think I wanted to see where I stood in terms of how I feel about him and where we stand to this day, and I think that after recording that video, it’s pretty obvious that I still have feelings for him.

It’s so hard to be friends with someone when you see him/her as more than a friend. I mean, especially with the way things were going, I thought for sure, something was going to happen. And now I can’t get over it. So…it’s got me thinking…what if being in this friendship is what’s “killing” me. Some days I think it’d be so much easier to walk away because sometimes, seeing or speaking to him makes things that much more difficult. If I were to cut him completely out of my life, I think I’d be able to move on. I always hate talking like this because I always think I sound so overly dramatic or drastic. I’m not doing this to seek attention from him. There are some days I wake up and feel like I’m at a crossroad with him and I don’t know if I should keep going or pull away.

As much as I love him and care about him and want to be there for him…sometimes I feel like I don’t have the strength. Right now, the thought of him talking to someone else or even changing his relationship status on Facebook makes my stomach turn. Why did he have to make me feel so special? Why did he have to say all those nice things to me? Why? I need to move on. This has gone on way too long and I’m afraid that if I keep going, I’m going to end up hurting even more than the first time.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Should I stay or should I leave? I know it’s probably easier said than done, but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

i’m torn.

So tonight I had my honors convocation and I posted some pics from the night. Then he texts me and says, “Congrats on the award, my friend.” The last two words fried me….really? I HATE being friend-zoned like this. Like, my life might as well be a soap opera right now because this is just too much. Right then and there I wanted to send him a message over Facebook, but then decided not to. I figured, if I did, then I’d be doing it more out of impulse.

But I am torn right now, and here’s why. Yes, I am glad we’re speaking again and on somewhat good terms. But I’m not happy that things are different between us now…like the way he treats me, the way he talks to me…I miss the OLD us. So I’m torn between making myself happy and making him happy. A part of me wants to say what’s on my mind right now and let him know that this isn’t going to work…while another part of me wants to keep quiet. There are only a couple of weeks left in the semester. Then summer will be here, which means when we return in the fall, it’ll be a new semester and I won’t have to see him around campus…hopefully. And maybe we can just “drift” apart. He just doesn’t understand where I’m coming from and at this point, I feel like trying to explain it to him will be like talking to a wall.

I mean, at this point, I really don’t think I should be sacrificing my own happiness for someone else. If I’m not happy in this friendship, then I have a right to remove myself from it. I honestly feel like the only way I’ll ever be able to move on from any of this is to stop talking to him, stop seeing him, etc. Every time I see him I’m reminded that things are different and that I’m no longer the one he likes or wants to be with, and that sucks! No one likes feeling that way.

I don’t want to make it seem like I’m giving up on him, but sometimes, if you truly love someone, you have to let him/her go. When it comes down to happiness, I don’t care if it seems like I’m  being selfish, I need to be happy again and my happiness comes first. And sometimes, I need to realize that there’s a difference between giving up and doing what’s best for me. I know I can’t change a person, so why am I still doing this, going through the same routine…

I really don’t know what to do, and this is where you guys come in. Some advice would be much appreciated. I mean, right now, I’m leaning more towards just keeping quiet until the end of the semester and slowly start to pull away as he fades out of my life. In a way, that’s not good for my happiness, because it means two weeks of being unhappy around him. But at the same time, I feel that by doing things this way, not only are we ending things on a non-confrontative note, but in this case, I believe silence is the best way to let him know he did something wrong. If he decides to randomly ask me what happened, then I can explain. But I won’t be aggressive about it, jut real and honest. I don’t know. What do you think?

-beautifuldarkmystery