a piece of my heart i will never get back.

I hung out with my friend the other day…yes, the one I’ve had deep feelings for over these last three years. It’s been a difficult relationship for the both of us, but at the end of the day, we have become a part of each other…forever.

This started when he asked me to hang out. He got very sad about me graduating from college. Basically our whole group graduated this year and he sort of feels left behind. I wasn’t sure how this was going to be. We hadn’t hung out one-on-one since last semester. I didn’t know if it was going to be weird or awkward because I’ve been keeping my distance on purpose. I stopped trying because I didn’t want to get hurt a third time by the same person. Those deeply rooted feelings…those don’t just go away over night.

We ended up going to lunch and he picked up the tab. We walked around for a little bit and headed back to school where we sat and talked for a couple of hours. To tell you the truth, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him express his feelings the way he did that day. For the first time, I really heard him say how much he’s going to miss me, how different things are going to be for him this fall semester without me there. He couldn’t believe how quickly I was leaving.

The thing was…it wasn’t as weird as I had hoped. I think for the most part, my feelings for him have gone away in that respect. However, there will ALWAYS be a part of me that has feelings for him. A piece of my heart I will never get back. He told me that I have become a part of him…and that when I leave, it’s like a part of him is leaving. That was one of the sweetest things he could have said to me…to know I’ve made such an impact on his life means I’ve done my part as a friend. No, our friendship hasn’t been easy by any means, but I will always love him. It may not be in a romantic way like I had hoped, but I love him and I know he loves me. Beneath all the chaos and pain we both experienced is a bond that will never go away. I don’t really know how to describe it. Never did I ever think that when I started college I’d meet someone I’d grow so close to, someone I’d become attached to. It only makes it that much harder to be apart.

I told him if he ever feels sad, I’m always a phone call away. I said sometimes hearing the person’s voice makes it a little better. But honestly, I believe he’ll be just fine. As much as he says he wants the fall semester to be over with, he should enjoy it. This is his last semester of college. If I could stay another semester, I probably would have. It went by way too fast and I feel like just when I found my niche, it was time to say goodbye. I know in the long run, I’ll keep in touch with the ones who mean the most to me, but when you’ve worked with a certain group of people, not just just in the classroom, but outside of school on sets as well, you become a family. You share the same memories, you grow close. It’s really sad for me to leave all of that behind.

But I know that no matter what happens, he’ll always be with me and I’ll always be with him. We may fight, get on each other’s nerves, and everything in between, but a true friendship isn’t always butterflies. You have to experience the bad in order to appreciate the good. I know he never meant to intentionally hurt me, it just sucks that it happened. But he’s not a terrible person and I know he meant well. There comes a point where I have to let go of the past, let go of the grudges and move on.

– beautifuldarkmystery

the end is near.

In a week from today, I will be graduating college. It’s so weird to think about and I don’t think I’ve fathomed it yet. I can’t believe how quickly these last four years went. If I thought high school was fast, college’s got nothing on that. As I’m preparing to end my undergraduate journey, I’m left with mixed feelings.

To be completely honest, I still don’t know if film is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. My mom and dad don’t know and my sister doesn’t know. I haven’t really talked to anyone about it because I’m still trying to figure all of it out. I’m torn because on one hand, I try to convince myself that this is my passion because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be putting in the long hours on set and helping out on as many projects as I can. At the same time, as I’m surrounded by people who know what they want to do and are driven and motivated, I feel as though I’m left on the sidelines. I’ve had an awesome time in college, but I don’t know that I ever found my niche, what it is that I really want to do with my degree.

I will be going to get my Masters and even though it “looks better” to have the higher degree, I don’t really want to go. I haven’t told this to my parents either because they’re the ones who “made the decision for me.” I don’t want to disappoint them. I guess I better start being more proactive and really focus on trying to see what I like to do.

And that’s the other thing…I feel like if I have to TRY and search for some aspect of film that interests me, then I feel like this is what I shouldn’t be doing. To me, having a passion doesn’t require the effort of “searching,” it’s there, you just have to mold and craft it. But perhaps I AM getting ahead of myself. Maybe I haven’t “found” my passion yet and the best is yet to come.

I’m sure there are a bunch of other people who know how I’m feeling right now and can relate. So what can I conclude from this post? I have very mixed feelings about graduation. I’m happy because the last four years of hard work are finally paying off. However, at the same time I’m sad…not only because I’m leaving behind some incredibly talented and amazing people, but also because it means I will no longer have school to simply occupy time. I need to figure my life out and I need to find what motivates and inspires me.

I know that I don’t need to have all the answers at this very moment, but some guidance wouldn’t hurt. I’ve always felt a little lost throughout my four years of college, but every time I begin to think like that, again, I always remind myself that if I didn’t love it, I wouldn’t be putting in the long hours being on set. It’s a scary place to be in, but I think that this is pretty normal. I think if I WEREN’T questioning myself, I’d be in a lot of trouble.

– beautifuldarkmystery