just friends.

Is it possible to go back to being just friends with someone you’re in love with? For me, the answer is no…at least right now. We both knew the risk we were taking when we decided we wanted to take our friendship to the next level. It’s unfortunate our relationship didn’t last that long and that the feelings (on my end, at least) are still there.

A couple of months ago, we both told each other that we’d like to try having a relationship again. He’ll be living fifteen minutes away from me and it’ll give us a chance to rebuild our friendship. However, given the circumstances, it’s been difficult just trying to be his friend. I feel like I have been trying but it’s just too difficult for me right now. The littlest things he does upsets me…things that wouldn’t upset me if my feelings were strictly platonic.

I am home for the holidays and we’re planning on hanging out next weekend at some point…and that’s when I’m going to have the talk. It scares me because I’m basically going to tell him that I need to cut him out of my life for a while…it doesn’t mean this will be temporary, but trying to do this whole thing backwards is not making anything better. I’m hoping he will understand…but a part of me feels that he won’t. He’s going to see this as me giving up and abandoning him, which is not the case. The last thing I want to do is feel like the bad guy yet again. Sometimes, you need to do what’s necessary for YOURSELF and quite honestly, it’s been hard for me to accept the whole “just friends” thing. It’s not fair to me. I don’t want to hurt him, but sometimes, you have to be a little selfish.

I’ve been trying not to worry too much about how this is going to go down because at the end of the day, I know I have no control over what’s going to happen. I can’t control how he’s going to react, what he’s going to say, or how he’s going to feel. All I can do is speak for myself, be honest (but not mean), and hope that there’s some level of a mutual understanding there. But, again, I have no control over that either. If he doesn’t get it…well then…

This is all a part of growing up. You have to go through these life experiences, you have to go through trial and error to see what works and what doesn’t work. The one thing I will not allow myself to do anymore is to sit and dwell on what I cannot change. I’ve found that the more time I have on my hands, the more time I have to think about everything…things I wish I could have done differently, feeling like I was never good enough for him…basically, thoughts I shouldn’t even be having. But, this is how I’m learning. The first one is always going to be the most difficult because it’s the only love you’ve ever known. You want to hold onto it because you remember the feelings you had being with that person and how it made you feel…how happy you were. I know that life only gets harder from here on out, but I hope that, with dating at least, it’ll get a little easier because I’ll know what not to do and how to handle myself in different situations.

– beautifuldarkmystery

goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem.

I think most people feel it is immature to cut someone completely out of your life, but sometimes it’s necessary. I’ve decided that this is what I need to do with my ex. Right now, it’s just too difficult to go back to being just friends when we’ve already crossed that line.

I’ve cut him out once before, but that was a while ago, and before anything really happened. At the time, all that HAD happened was that we confessed our feelings for each other. But he couldn’t make up his mind about how he felt about me and every time we tried to be more than friends, he’d pull back because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. So finally, I got fed up and cut him off. I didn’t speak to him, I only saw him when necessary (I was still in school at the time). But that was it. And as much as it sucked not being able to see him or hang out with him, allowing that time for myself helped the healing process. For the most part, my feelings for him were starting to go away because I had finally gotten to the point where I didn’t want to wait around anymore.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, for the longest time, I thought that cutting him off was a stupid thing to do and it seemed very childish. But seeing as how much pain I’m causing myself by trying to be in the friendship, I know exactly why I did it in the first place. I haven’t had the conversation with him yet, but I am waiting until he is done with finals because I know he’s not going to like this. He absolutely hated it that last time I did this and for the longest time, that was the reason he was scared to get into a relationship with me. Not losing me completely was more important to him than being in a relationship. But if he’s really my friend and loves me like he says he does, then he’ll understand why I need to do this. He will let me go. It’s going to hurt so much and if there was some other way I could go about this, I would. But right now, even just trying to be friends, it’s not working and I’m sacrificing my own happiness to be in this friendship and I’m tired of being sad all the time. I need to completely separate myself from him…however long that’s going to take. And if or when I am ready, we can try to be friends again.

But I need to completely remove him from my life. That means, no speaking to him, I can’t see him, I’ve removed every photo of us I have up in my room, I need a clean cut in order to move forward. I wish I wasn’t that type of person because it all sounds so drastic and unnecessary, but I feel like this is the only way. Sometimes, you have to be a little selfish and put yourself before anyone else. It sucks I’m going to hurt him in the process too, but like I said, if he’s truly my friend, he will understand that I need to do this for myself.

It’s never easy saying goodbye to a friend, especially when that friend has been such an important part of your life…this person has become a part of you. But goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem. But I need to move on. The longer I try to hold on, the more painful this is going to be. He’s told me he wants to give this another chance, but at this point, I don’t see a happy ending for us. Maybe in another life…

– beautifuldarkmystery