i don’t want break to end.

It’s been so nice having a week away from him…not seeing him, not having to deal with the tension between us. I’m not looking forward to that one class we have together for the rest of the semester. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, there’s always going to be that tension there, it’s just inevitable. But, I’m not going to focus on that…or at least try.

There’s only a month and a half left of this semester and then it’s 3 months of summer vacation. There are days I still wish things didn’t turn out this way, but that’s life…there are a lot of those moments. Unfortunately, things don’t always work out according to plan. I would have liked to have ended things on a good note, but that’s not something I can control.

I do hope he’s had a good spring break. He’s probably over this whole thing by now…and here I am, sitting here as each day goes by…my mind always wanders to him…forever in the back of my mind. I know that with time it’ll get easier because it already has! That feeling of shock and being in denial has gone away, now the reality is finally sinking in.

One thing’s for sure…I’m REALLY glad I got to spend some time with two of my high school friends during spring break. Seeing them reminded me that I’ve still got some pretty amazing people in my life…people who’ve continually been there for me and shown me the love and support. We didn’t even have to talk about deep stuff…we just hung out and had a great time. I really miss them. I’ve realized that I’ve pretty much lost most of my friendships from high school and it’s kind of sad. But the ones I still keep in touch with, I know those friendships are real because we don’t have to see or talk to each other every day, but when we hang out, we’re able to pick up right from where we left off and it’s fantastic.

I wonder if he’s been texting this new girl…probably…and it’s sad to think she’s falling for the same words I fell for as we speak. Well, I can say this much…it won’t be long until she begins to see this pattern and then it’s on to the next. I hate to say it, but it’s true. He clearly doesn’t see that there’s something wrong with his behavior, therefore, he’s not going to do anything to change it. He needs to seriously grow up. As much as he wants to be a kid, he’s not one anymore. He’s an adult. It’s time to start taking certain things more seriously. I’m not saying everything has to be serious, but you’ve got to draw a line somewhere.

-beautifuldarkmystery

made the dean’s list.

So today, I found out I made the Dean’s List at my university. I couldn’t be happier and words can’t express how elated I am. For some reason, I’ve always doubted my academic abilities. I never was a great test taker (I’m still not all that great), I’ve always compared myself to my sister, who got 4.0s all throughout high school, and all of that just lowered my confidence and self-esteem.

However, since I began college, I’ve worked harder than ever. I achieved my first 4.0 last semester and this semester, I am being recognized as a Dean’s Scholar in the College of Humanities & Arts. Wow, this is amazing. To tell you the truth, this made my week…this made up for the last two terrible weeks I’ve had. I am so proud of myself for never giving up and really proving that I AM intelligent and I don’t give myself enough credit sometimes.

The convocation will be held at the end of April and my parents are so excited to attend. Receiving this honor only makes me want to work that much harder. There’s another honor higher than the Dean’s List, which is given to students who achieve a 4.0 for two consecutive semesters. I still have time to try and achieve it.

In high school, I was probably a B average student. In college, I’ve noticed my GPA has actually increased, which I think says a lot. In addition, ever since I was in elementary school, I’ve always had my dad’s help with my homework and studies. When I got to college, I became more independent and didn’t need that help. That being said, I feel this is an extremely special accomplishment because I know I did this all on my own.

But overall, my study habits are improving, I’m becoming more responsible, and I’m really becoming an adult. I realize that going to college is a PRIVILEGE. It’s also a privilege that costs a lot of money that I’m lucky my parents are able to afford. I don’t take any of this for granted. So of course, I’m going to take my studies seriously. Coming into college three years ago, I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to expect and I slightly struggled academically as I made the transition. However, it’s not about how you start, it’s how you finish. Sometimes we all need that little push of motivation and inspiration and for me, this was it. This is a great incentive for me to push myself even more to do well academically.

-beautifuldarkmystery

it’s difficult, but i’m trying.

No one said moving on was going to be easy, it never is. I was looking forward to having spring break because I knew it meant not seeing hin around campus. However, since I started break, that’s the only thing that’s been on my mind. It sucks because I’m pretty sure he’s not thinking about me. I’m the one who called off the friendship, and yet I’m the one who wants him back.

Every time I get those thoughts, I tell myself that I don’t need people like that in my life. If he honestly cared about me like he claimed he did, he would have showed that. I’ve said it over and over again…his actions did not match his words. In addition, I actually have felt better cutting ties with him because after I did, I realized how much tension there really was between the two of us. It literally felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I think that says a lot.

I feel like once I go through something like this, I take some time for myself and I “switch it up.” I scheduled a hair appointment for Thursday and I’m going to cut my hair and get it styled (it’s about time…it’s been like three years), I went shopping today and bought a bunch of new clothes for spring. When it comes time to go back to school, I’m going to be ready. Fresh look, fresh start. I don’t know if anyone else does that, but it usually helps me.

One of my good friends is home for break and I’m going to try and get together with her. She’s probably the only one right now, besides my family, who’s close enough to me that I can tell her these things without feeling like a burden. We are so alike in terms of our personalities, it’s unbelievable. We can understand each other in a way no one else can and she’s a good listener. I’ll see what she has to say about this.

I also hope to get together with one of my friends from college so we can go take a day trip somewhere and take some photographs. It’ll just be nice to have any sort of distraction…something to keep me happy and make me forget about all of this for a while. I don’t want my whole break consumed in these negative thoughts because really, I should be doing the opposite. I should be happy and thankful for the real friends I have in my life and to have a family who cares. And I am, but I’m not going to completely ignore the fact that this sucks. I could be worse though…I could be in the state I was in that night he texted me and asked me where we stood in terms of having a future relationship. I didn’t sleep well, barely ate (which resulted in a dramatic weight loss), overworked myself, and cried (a lot). But right now, I am okay…there’s none of that. The only thing that’s bothering me is that as much as I try to tell myself not to think about this, the more I do. 😛 I know it will get better though, it always does.

-beautifuldarkmystery

moving on.

Last night I was debating on whether I should give him a letter or not…I wanted him to know all the things I was going to say on Monday if we met up. I also wrote another letter apologizing for coming across so harshly with my words when I got upset with him. However, I also told him I don’t regret what I said. I can’t be friends with someone who won’t communicate with me.

I was so nervous this morning. I walked into class and saw him sitting at his desk, reading one of his comic books. I walked up to him, slid the note on his desk, and walked to my seat. From where I was sitting, I didn’t want to look back and see if he was reading it or not, but I really wanted to know. Here’s my reason for doing this. I didn’t want him to get the impression that I simply gave up on our friendship. I gave him my word and said I will always be here for you if you need me, and I never back down on my word. However, I also said that we can’t be friends unless we’re on the same page. I hope that one day we can reconcile and have things back to the way they were, but truthfully, that’s going to be a long, long, way down the road, if at all.

I think I would have regretted not giving him the letter because on my end, I wanted to know that I did everything I could to be a good friend, to SHOW him that I will be there for him. I would be a hypocrite if I said one thing but acted differently. I’m not a fighter, and I don’t like going through these fights with people, especially the ones I really care about. But I don’t think he realizes that the reason why I am frustrated is BECAUSE I care. But at this point, I can only control my own thoughts and feelings. The only thing to do from here is to move on and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

It’s just a really sad situation. Here’s someone I truly care about and I want nothing but the best for him. Yet, he doesn’t even see that anything is wrong. To him, all of this is normal. I honestly don’t think he’s ever had someone stand up to him like this. I think he’s gotten so comfortable with sweeping problems under the rug, or he’s surrounded himself with people who act as though nothing is wrong. Now he’s lost a friend because of this behavior and to tell you the truth, I still don’t believe he’ll see anything wrong with it. In his mind, he’s probably thinking, “That’s okay, I’ve got plenty of other friends, this doesn’t bother me.” Well if that’s the case, then I really know where we stand now.

I hate that I care so much sometimes. For once, I want those actions to be reciprocated. I don’t think it’s much to ask for. I thought I had something really great with this guy, but now I’m realizing that his words were nothing but empty promises. I’m just hoping that all of this “bad luck” I’m having with friends means that God has someone really special and really important who’s going to come along and make me realize that all these obstacles and waiting was worth it. I’ll keep praying about it if I have to.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t thinking about it right now. I’d also be lying if I said I wasn’t bummed out about losing this friend. But at the same time, I’m also thinking, life’s too short to surround yourself with people that give you less than what you deserve. Truthfully, I do feel “happier” now that we’ve cut ties. I felt it, I the weight being lifted like I said, and it was like my whole mood changed. But of course there will always be a smal part of me that misses him because there was obviously something that attracted me to him in the first place. Plus we spent a really great year and a half being friends. Sometimes, you really have to think about what’s best for yourself.

These last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult for me because I was beginning to see his true colors and the type of person he really is. I wanted to believe his words, “I’ll always be here for you,” “You’re one of the most important people in my life,” “I value our friendship,” “You mean a lot to me,” etc. But actions will always speak louder than words. I’m the type of person who always strives to see the good in people because that’s just the kind of heart I have. I can see all these red flags, but still give them the benefit of the doubt. But I know at some point, I’ll need to come to terms with all of this and move on. Plain and simple. I will be okay and I am so glad spring break is just around the corner. The timing couldn’t have been better. I would hope that he thinks about what I’ve said during this week we have off and seriously think about our friendship, but I can already guarantee that’s not going to happen. From the patterns of behavior I’ve seen, he’s going to hang out with his friends, do everything he can to stay occupied just so he can avoid thinking about this. But I’m not going to even try to figure him out because I’m exhausted and it’s just not my place. I can’t believe I’m going to take advice from him right now, but when I was having a bad week one time, he told me, “all will be well.” That’s how I have to look at this situation. It’s his loss.

-beautifuldarkmystery

no regrets and i feel much better.

So that’s it. We’re not friends anymore. Last night I texted him saying that I’m willing to put all of this behind us and move forward. He said he was glad, and then I asked him if he would at least be willing to talk to me on Monday and he said that if he got out of his class early, he would let me know. I knew going into today that this wasn’t happening. I went into this with no expectations and it’s a good thing I did because I was right. He never showed up.

I was sitting outside on a bench waiting for him to text me and I was writing down all the things I wanted to say to him on my computer. I was so focused on my thoughts that I didn’t even notice that he walked right past me. He was with another girl, I don’t know if this was the same one I saw last Tuesday. It was his voice that caught my attention and I knew it was him. He just walked right past me and didn’t say a word. I looked up as they were walking away and confirmed that it was in fact him. I was mad, so I called my mom and talked to her for a little bit on the phone, in tears. I’ve done nothing but give him chances and try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I can only do that for so long. A few minutes later, I see him walk into the library, with the same girl, and I was so hurt and so mad at him.

The thing is, at that point I wasn’t even hurt or jealous that he was hanging out with another girl. I was hurt because he couldn’t even be my friend. I don’t believe he did it on purpose, I just think he doesn’t know how to act around me right now because he probably feels that he ruined things. Here I go again, trying to defend him. I truly don’t believe he’s a bad person. I know he has good intentions, but he doesn’t realize his actions are costing him big time. He says one thing but acts another way. I think he’s been beating himself up over feeling like he hurt me two weeks ago when he dropped the bomb on me. But instead of trying to avoid me, he should have just told me he wasn’t ready. It was as simple as that.

All I wanted was five minutes of his time and if he would have sat here and talked to me, he could have walked away feeling better about the whole situation, but no…he chose to avoid it completely instead. No one likes confrontation, they don’t want to have to deal with the feelings that comes with being confronted. However, if he would have just listened to me, he would have heard all of the great things I had to say about him…how much I appreciated having him in my life, all of the things he did for me that he didn’t realize. I know I didn’t owe him any sort of explanation whatsoever, but I wanted to do this to try and clear the air, or at least talk it out so there would be no misunderstandings. I wanted us to move forward from this. If anything, I was the one who deserved an explanation.

After talking to my mom, I went to the bookstore to get some supplies and as I was walking back, he was walking towards me. I knew he saw me because when he did, he immediately looked down at his phone to avoid eye contact with me. I got to the bench, where I’m sitting now, and I sent him a long text saying that we’re not friends anymore. Was this slightly out of impulse, yes, I’m not going to lie. However, I don’t want someone in my life who refuses to communicate with me. That’s a failed friendship in the making. I know he was trying so hard not to make me more upset than I already was, but what he doesn’t realize is that his actions are only digging him in a deeper hole. His excuse for why he didn’t want to talk to me today was that he was still “feeling like s***” about what he did and he felt like he couldn’t face me. Okay, well if that was the case, all he had to do was say that! Am I wrong? But no, he chose to not even let me know he was going to talk to me today and now it looks bad when I see him walking around campus with another girl.

Obviously he wasn’t getting it, so I finally put my foot down and said we can’t be friends anymore. I can’t have people in my life who won’t communicate with me. His excuse was that this girl asked him to walk her to the bus stop and then he had dinner plans at 4:15. Okay A) I saw him twice walking around campus, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the bus stop and B) He had made a previous obligation to talk to me, but instead he chose to avoid this and not even tell me he wasn’t going to show up. I had to see it for myself! None of this would have happened if he just told me he didn’t feel ready to talk and I would have completely understood. He just doesn’t get it and I don’t know that he ever will. It’s sad because I want the best for him, but I truly believe he’s emotionally stunted and needs to make some serious changes if he wants to better himself.

So as of right now, we are not friends and I made it very black-and-white for him. Unless he can really show me he can be the friend he claims to be, I can’t trust him, I will never open up to him, I won’t even call him a friend. To be treated like a friend means you have to act like one. And he’s got a lot to prove if he ever thinks about being my friend again. The weird thing is…I actually felt better and even slightly happy after telling him we couldn’t be friends. I thought that was strange. Regardless, I am glad I finally was able to say something and I feel like I said it in an appropriate way, it wasn’t out of line. I could have been much more harsh with my words, but I wasn’t. I deleted him off my Facebook, and now I feel as though as weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This is a weird feeling because for someone I considered a good fried and someone I couldn’t think about living without, I seem to be doing just fine…so what does that really tell me?

-beautifuldarkmystery

And just for the record, I don’t feel like I gave up on him…I just got tired of waiting around on someone who’s actions contradicts his own words. If he ever figures it out, I will gladly be friends with him again, but like I said…he has a lot to prove to me if I mean anything to him.

is this normal.

So today, even though I’m still thinking about it, I was actually…happy, I was in a good mood. Maybe it’s psychological, but I think the weather had something to do with it. The sun was out, it was warm, and it’s practically impossible to be in a bad mood on a day like that. But today was the happiest I’ve been in these last two weeks. Maybe this is good though. Maybe this means I’m slowly starting to get over this bitterness I have about this whole thing. I don’t know though. I may wake up tomorrow morning and feel like crap again. But this is super weird. I don’t understand how I can go from one emotion to the other end of the spectrum in a day. Is this even normal? I have no idea what’s happening and honestly, I’m not going to complain. It’s not like me to get over something quickly, but if I can be in a good mood about it and not let it affect me, then hey, I’ll take it.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been “practicing” what I’m going to say to him when we finally talk. I’ve been saying all of it out loud too, as if he’s actually with me and I’m having the conversation with him. Who knows…I’m going to try and keep this positive momentum going into next week. I don’t want to fall back into this yucky mood. All it takes is for me to see him and then I’m back at the beginning. That’s one of the most frustrating things…you feel like you’re making progress and then you end up back at the beginning again. That’s how I feel right now. During the week, I get into this terrible mood because I have to see him twice a week in class and deal with the fact we’re not speaking to each other and we’re not really a part of each other’s lives at the moment. Then the weekend rolls around and that means three days (I don’t have classes on Fridays) of not seeing him at all, so my mood lightens. Then Monday comes around and I have to see him in class and the cycle starts all over again. Well, it’s time to beak the cycle! I need to regain my footing and not allow one person to have THIS MUCH control over me. I mean, come on! A little ridiculous, yeah?

I’ve been writing in my journal too. I think that’s also helped. Man, it sure is great to have all these outlets for me to express myself. Otherwise I think I would lose my sanity. And thanks to those of you who’ve been helping me with this situation. You’ve given me some great advice that I’ve taken to heart and it definitely gives me something to think about.

I’m going to make this week a great week. I’m not going to allow one person to ruin it for me. I’m better and stronger than that. I’m going to keep my head up, smile, and breathe in a new sense of confidence. Now if I can keep telling myself that, I’ll be back on track again.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i miss him, but i’m still upset.

So I’ve decided that I’m going to talk to him after spring break, which, for me is in a couple of weeks. I don’t want to be mad at him anymore, but I want to give this enough time so that he knows this is not okay. It is NOT okay to play with someone’s feelings. I don’t know what his intentions were of telling me how he felt if he was going to move on so easily. But I miss him so much, yes, even though this whole situation sucks and I’m still hurting…I miss talking to him, I miss his hugs, I miss sitting next to him in class, I miss texting each other…I miss it all.

What is wrong with me? Is this even normal? I also feel bad because I’ve been taking my anger out on my mom. I know she cares and she just wants to help. Sometimes, all I need is to be alone and she refuses to let me sulk because she knows my thought process. Every time something bad happens, I do down “that path”. I can reassure her and everyone else that I WILL be okay. I realize this isn’t the end of the world, but I am so confused and I refuse to stop thinking about it…as much as I try.

I deactivated my Facebook account last weekend and I’m scared to reactivate it because I don’t want to see my worst fear become a reality. I don’t want to know anything about this girl. I don’t want to know any of it. But see, the thing with that is…how are we supposed to be friends if he can’t tell me about this stuff? It sure sucks when feelings are involved. Has anyone else been in a frustrating situation like this? Please, share your thoughts and experiences.

-beautifuldarkmystery