So that’s it. We’re not friends anymore. Last night I texted him saying that I’m willing to put all of this behind us and move forward. He said he was glad, and then I asked him if he would at least be willing to talk to me on Monday and he said that if he got out of his class early, he would let me know. I knew going into today that this wasn’t happening. I went into this with no expectations and it’s a good thing I did because I was right. He never showed up.
I was sitting outside on a bench waiting for him to text me and I was writing down all the things I wanted to say to him on my computer. I was so focused on my thoughts that I didn’t even notice that he walked right past me. He was with another girl, I don’t know if this was the same one I saw last Tuesday. It was his voice that caught my attention and I knew it was him. He just walked right past me and didn’t say a word. I looked up as they were walking away and confirmed that it was in fact him. I was mad, so I called my mom and talked to her for a little bit on the phone, in tears. I’ve done nothing but give him chances and try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I can only do that for so long. A few minutes later, I see him walk into the library, with the same girl, and I was so hurt and so mad at him.
The thing is, at that point I wasn’t even hurt or jealous that he was hanging out with another girl. I was hurt because he couldn’t even be my friend. I don’t believe he did it on purpose, I just think he doesn’t know how to act around me right now because he probably feels that he ruined things. Here I go again, trying to defend him. I truly don’t believe he’s a bad person. I know he has good intentions, but he doesn’t realize his actions are costing him big time. He says one thing but acts another way. I think he’s been beating himself up over feeling like he hurt me two weeks ago when he dropped the bomb on me. But instead of trying to avoid me, he should have just told me he wasn’t ready. It was as simple as that.
All I wanted was five minutes of his time and if he would have sat here and talked to me, he could have walked away feeling better about the whole situation, but no…he chose to avoid it completely instead. No one likes confrontation, they don’t want to have to deal with the feelings that comes with being confronted. However, if he would have just listened to me, he would have heard all of the great things I had to say about him…how much I appreciated having him in my life, all of the things he did for me that he didn’t realize. I know I didn’t owe him any sort of explanation whatsoever, but I wanted to do this to try and clear the air, or at least talk it out so there would be no misunderstandings. I wanted us to move forward from this. If anything, I was the one who deserved an explanation.
After talking to my mom, I went to the bookstore to get some supplies and as I was walking back, he was walking towards me. I knew he saw me because when he did, he immediately looked down at his phone to avoid eye contact with me. I got to the bench, where I’m sitting now, and I sent him a long text saying that we’re not friends anymore. Was this slightly out of impulse, yes, I’m not going to lie. However, I don’t want someone in my life who refuses to communicate with me. That’s a failed friendship in the making. I know he was trying so hard not to make me more upset than I already was, but what he doesn’t realize is that his actions are only digging him in a deeper hole. His excuse for why he didn’t want to talk to me today was that he was still “feeling like s***” about what he did and he felt like he couldn’t face me. Okay, well if that was the case, all he had to do was say that! Am I wrong? But no, he chose to not even let me know he was going to talk to me today and now it looks bad when I see him walking around campus with another girl.
Obviously he wasn’t getting it, so I finally put my foot down and said we can’t be friends anymore. I can’t have people in my life who won’t communicate with me. His excuse was that this girl asked him to walk her to the bus stop and then he had dinner plans at 4:15. Okay A) I saw him twice walking around campus, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the bus stop and B) He had made a previous obligation to talk to me, but instead he chose to avoid this and not even tell me he wasn’t going to show up. I had to see it for myself! None of this would have happened if he just told me he didn’t feel ready to talk and I would have completely understood. He just doesn’t get it and I don’t know that he ever will. It’s sad because I want the best for him, but I truly believe he’s emotionally stunted and needs to make some serious changes if he wants to better himself.
So as of right now, we are not friends and I made it very black-and-white for him. Unless he can really show me he can be the friend he claims to be, I can’t trust him, I will never open up to him, I won’t even call him a friend. To be treated like a friend means you have to act like one. And he’s got a lot to prove if he ever thinks about being my friend again. The weird thing is…I actually felt better and even slightly happy after telling him we couldn’t be friends. I thought that was strange. Regardless, I am glad I finally was able to say something and I feel like I said it in an appropriate way, it wasn’t out of line. I could have been much more harsh with my words, but I wasn’t. I deleted him off my Facebook, and now I feel as though as weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This is a weird feeling because for someone I considered a good fried and someone I couldn’t think about living without, I seem to be doing just fine…so what does that really tell me?
And just for the record, I don’t feel like I gave up on him…I just got tired of waiting around on someone who’s actions contradicts his own words. If he ever figures it out, I will gladly be friends with him again, but like I said…he has a lot to prove to me if I mean anything to him.