proceed with caution.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss him anymore. The truth is that I will always miss him, what we had, what we were…but it doesn’t necessarily mean I want any of it back. Learning to distinguish between the two has been the most difficult part of the process for me. For the longest time, I didn’t know if it was him I wanted or the memories.

There’s still not a day that goes by that I don’t think about him and wonder how he’s doing. There’s a part of me that wonders if he feels the same. We haven’t talked or interacted at all since we met up a couple of months ago. Like I’ve said in previous posts, I don’t know why he wanted to reconnect and maybe that’s not for me to know or understand.

For the last four and a half years that I’ve know him, he is the one person who’s always found his way back into my life. It didn’t matter how many times I cut him out or said I needed space. I thought 2015 was it…everything was done and we were never going to speak to each other again. And just when I think I’ll never hear from him again, he pops back into my life. I guess life will always work in mysterious ways, and the people who are meant to be in your life will always be there.

I don’t know what the future holds for us. I don’t ever expect us to get back together again. I don’t even expect us to be close friends again. With everything that’s happened, there’s just no way. But I still find it funny that out of everyone I became friends with in college, the one person I had the most dysfunctional friendship/relationship with was the one who ended up moving near me. Weird how life works, right?

I firmly believe that whatever’s meant to happen will happen. Who knows? Maybe next year, we’ll rekindle our friendship again and actually be okay and be able to tolerate being around each other without feelings getting in the way or ruining things. That’s the thing about the future…you just never know. Just like I was 99% sure I would never see or speak to him ever again, there’s always that 1%.

I feel like I’m finally at that place where we can be friends again if time and life allow it. I will never close the door to our friendship, but I will always proceed with caution. There’s a saying, “Don’t run back to what broke you.” I know I need to be careful. There’s no way I’ll allow myself to retreat back to that dark place after we broke up. The most beautiful thing that can ever come from a break up is that you learn more about yourself. What you did right, what you did wrong, what you want in a relationship and what you don’t want, what you’ll compromise and where you’ll draw the line.

We may have only dated for two months, but it was two and a half years in the making. The feelings were there and we both knew it. But it doesn’t matter how long it lasted. I would have much rather gotten out sooner rather than later if I strongly felt like we weren’t going to make it. Does it suck that I didn’t have much trust and faith in the relationship from the beginning? Of course it does. But I would have rather known than to continue living life always wondering what could have been, especially since this relationship was the one thing I wanted most at the time.

I’m glad I can look back on how far I’ve come and know that I am okay. There are no more feelings of anger or resentment…..regret, especially. Everything happens for a reason. It’ll be interesting to see what the future has in store for us. Whether we ever rekindle our friendship or continue living life as nothing more than acquaintances. One of the weirdest parts about this journey has been that transition to being “strangers” again. When we hung out last month, I literally felt like I was sitting across from someone I didn’t know. It was awkward like the first-time-meeting kind of awkward. Yet, we share this past that cannot be erased, no matter how hard he or I try to block those memories out of our minds. Simply put, we’re strangers with history. And I’m okay with that.

If there’s anything I would want him to know, it’s that no matter what’s happened between us in the past and no matter where we stand today, if he ever truly needed a friend, I will always be there for him. I know I’m probably not the first person he would run to, but I will always be a friend. Last August we had a brief conversation through text and he said there were moments he was struggling and having a difficult time and wanted to reach out to me. I never said this to him, but it was nice to hear. To know that he still needed me and wanted that friendship meant something to me.

But anyway, I’ve gone on long enough. I’ll end with this. I firmly believe that you meet people for a reason, and the ones who are meant to be in your life will always find their way back, no matter how far they wander. It’ll be interesting to see where life takes us a year from now, five years from now…but you can guarantee I’ll have something to say about it when the time comes.

beautifuldarkmystery

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beyond frustrated.

At this point, I really don’t know what to do anymore…I don’t know what’s right. Yesterday was the first day of my internship and I was really excited to start working there and finally have something to keep my mind off of my personal issues. He texted me about 30 minutes before I got off and asked if I wanted to get something to eat, and, of course, I agreed.

Rewind. It was his birthday a couple of days ago. A couple weeks ago we had talked about what he wanted to do and at the time, he invited me to whatever it was that he was going to plan. The weeks go by and I continue to hear nothing about it. I wasn’t going to bring him up because I didn’t know if he’d changed his mind about inviting me and I didn’t want to make it awkward. Anyway, his birthday rolls around. I texted him in the morning to wish him a happy birthday and all he said was thanks. Then that was pretty much it. I got him a gift, I wrapped it and made it look nice…and then I waited. The whole day goes by and I don’t hear from him. I knew he had a work-related event that day so I was trying not to make a huge deal out of it. Before I know it, the whole day is gone and by the time I saw that it was 9PM, I gave up and thought to myself, forget it. So I changed back into my pjs and watched my tv shows, trying not to avoid the fact that my feelings were hurt.

When I picked him up, I asked what he felt like eating, and he said, “I don’t know, but anything that’s cheap and fast.” When he said this, I now felt like I was being bum-rushed and then I was slightly irritated. We ended up eating at Wendy’s, but I wasn’t expecting anything less, to be honest. So I asked him how the event went and how his birthday was. He proceeded to tell me he hung out with his friends the whole day and had dinner with a girl at her apartment and then went to the event. Then his roommates had friends over by the time he got back so he hung out with all of them until about 2 in the morning. The more he was telling me about what he did, the more irritated and hurt I felt because I thought he would have wanted to spend at least part of his birthday with me, but I guess that wasn’t the case. I wasn’t really mad because at this point, that’s exactly what I expect from him. I’m just there when he needs me. But I did make a point of telling him that for future reference, if plans change (granted, this time he didn’t really know how his day was going to pan out), to just let me know so I’m not waiting around. Then he felt really bad…because technically I could have started my internship on his birthday, but because I didn’t know what he was doing, I made sure I kept that day available just in case. But I wasn’t going to make a huge deal out of it.

Another thing that bothers me is that he always seems tired when we hang out. I don’t know if he’s aware of how that makes me feel, but I feel like if you’re really that tired, then why bother hanging out with me if this is what it’s going to be like. I feel like I am wasting his time. And I said that, maybe not so direct. But I did say something like, “Well if you’re that tired, then you could have just stayed home. I wouldn’t have minded.” Then he always says the same thing. “But I wanted to hang out.” I’m sure he doesn’t act this tired around his other friends.

I know this all probably sounds very high school, but it’s not even about the fact that I didn’t get invited to whatever birthday plans he may have had. It’s more about the fact that I feel like ever since he moved down here, I’ve just been the “side chick.” I feel like I’m just the friend to go to when he has no one else to hang out with or nothing else better to do. That’s not a great feeling. I also don’t feel like I am appreciated as a friend…as a person.

The last time we hung out, he mentioned he had to run a couple of errands and asked me if I could drive him so it would go faster. Of course, I said yes. He had a whole day off before we hung out where he could have run his errands. But no, he was out with his friends. So what does he do? He waits until the day WE hang out, cutting into OUR time together, so he can run his stupid errands. I know I really have no right to complain because I could have just said no and been done with it. I’m usually passive aggressive about things but I let him know that this is not going to be okay…that he can’t make a habit out of me running his errands with him just because I have a car and he doesn’t. And at some point, I’ll have to draw the line too, and just say no.

Last night when we hung out, we were trying to find a place to eat and we drove by a Target. As we were driving back to his place, he asked if we could stop by the Target. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and it wasn’t like I had to go out of my way to get there…it was on the way back, so I said yes. As we were getting out of the car and heading into the store, he put his arm around me and thanked me for making this stop. I hinted to him how it made me feel by saying, “Yeah, no problem…because that’s all I’m good for, right?”

Then we got into the store, I thought he actually had to get stuff he needed…he got a dvd. That was it. As we were walking up to the front to pay for it, he starts poking me. This is his personality. This is who he is. When he feels there’s tension, he tries to break it by poking me or acting obnoxious, but it was actually annoying me even more.

When I finally pulled up to the front of his place, he gave me a hug and thanked me for hanging out with him. He said we’ll probably hang out next week and I kind of just brushed it off and didn’t make a huge deal out of it because I’m not expecting it anymore. It just kind of sucks feeling like I’m the option. I know that I did this to myself and I really can’t be upset about it. But when you still have feelings for someone and they don’t treat you with the respect you deserve, it’s kind of hard not to take it personally.

When I woke up this morning, I was in a bad mood, I didn’t feel like getting up and getting ready for my internship. I didn’t even put my contacts in or put my makeup on. All I could think about was everything he had told me last night…and realizing that every time he tells me he’s hanging out with a girl or going to a girl’s apartment, that this could potentially mean he’s moving on. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true. I believe a guy can go over to a girl’s place with no intentions other than to hang out with her. But this is all preparing me for the possibility of that happening.

I hate that I continue to allow situations to control me. I need to get my emotions in check. I need to not make myself to available to him because I think that’s why I continue to end up feeling hurt. He doesn’t think twice about his words or actions and how they might affect other people. But the more I give into him, whether it’s helping him run errands or hanging out when it’s convenient for him, I need to stand my ground more, and not just say the words. I feel like every time I begin to get to a good place where I feel emotionally stable, I take two steps back and I end up right where I started. I want to start making progress and I want to move on. I NEED to move on. Hanging on to him is toxic and not benefiting me. I think I just don’t want to face the fact of what I need to do…which is to cut him off completely. As long as he’s still in my life and I’m still seeing him, talking to him, interacting with him, there’s always an increased chance of me getting hurt.

I wish I could say I don’t know what to do, but I know exactly what I want to do, I just don’t want to do it. For me, at this point, I feel like it’s a lose-lose situation…and I say that because he’s told me before that whatever I need to do, just let him know. If I want him to leave me alone and give me space, to just tell him. I fear that if I do that, he won’t even be affected at all. He has his work friends, he’s been hanging out with them a lot more than he has with me. So I feel like even if I did this, it’ll do nothing to him…because right now, with the way he’s been treating me, it’s like I don’t even exist to him at all. So what difference would it make if I told him not to see or speak to me?

Whatever. I know I deserve to be treated better and I don’t know why I continue to hold on to a person who’s presence is hurting me more than benefitting. me. Maybe it’s time I really start evaluating the pros and cons of this relationship and really decide if it’s worth continuing to put myself through all of this.

I may not be in the best of moods right now, but the minute I walk through those doors at work, my personal problems don’t exist. I need to focus my energy in the things that really matter. The moment I crack and allow this to bother me, is the moment I let him win. And I am DONE allowing him to win.

We’ve never been great at communicating to each other, so I don’t know if he has motives. I don’t know if he’s trying to make me jealous. I don’t know how he feels about me…even though he says he still has feelings for me, what does that even mean? I can’t keep thinking about this as much as I have been because it’s rotting me away. I’m too young to feel this damaged by one person.

I am not defined by my past. I am not defined by the choices I’ve made. I’m not defined by the way others treat me. I am defined by how I get up after I fall. How I recover. How I make my comeback. Life’s going to throw a whole bunch of curveballs at me. The real test will not be how I take the hit, but how I deal with the pain.

– beautifuldarkmystery

Have you been in a situation where you felt like it was controlling you instead of you controlling it? How did you handle yourself? How did you overcome this obstacle?

goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem.

I think most people feel it is immature to cut someone completely out of your life, but sometimes it’s necessary. I’ve decided that this is what I need to do with my ex. Right now, it’s just too difficult to go back to being just friends when we’ve already crossed that line.

I’ve cut him out once before, but that was a while ago, and before anything really happened. At the time, all that HAD happened was that we confessed our feelings for each other. But he couldn’t make up his mind about how he felt about me and every time we tried to be more than friends, he’d pull back because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. So finally, I got fed up and cut him off. I didn’t speak to him, I only saw him when necessary (I was still in school at the time). But that was it. And as much as it sucked not being able to see him or hang out with him, allowing that time for myself helped the healing process. For the most part, my feelings for him were starting to go away because I had finally gotten to the point where I didn’t want to wait around anymore.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, for the longest time, I thought that cutting him off was a stupid thing to do and it seemed very childish. But seeing as how much pain I’m causing myself by trying to be in the friendship, I know exactly why I did it in the first place. I haven’t had the conversation with him yet, but I am waiting until he is done with finals because I know he’s not going to like this. He absolutely hated it that last time I did this and for the longest time, that was the reason he was scared to get into a relationship with me. Not losing me completely was more important to him than being in a relationship. But if he’s really my friend and loves me like he says he does, then he’ll understand why I need to do this. He will let me go. It’s going to hurt so much and if there was some other way I could go about this, I would. But right now, even just trying to be friends, it’s not working and I’m sacrificing my own happiness to be in this friendship and I’m tired of being sad all the time. I need to completely separate myself from him…however long that’s going to take. And if or when I am ready, we can try to be friends again.

But I need to completely remove him from my life. That means, no speaking to him, I can’t see him, I’ve removed every photo of us I have up in my room, I need a clean cut in order to move forward. I wish I wasn’t that type of person because it all sounds so drastic and unnecessary, but I feel like this is the only way. Sometimes, you have to be a little selfish and put yourself before anyone else. It sucks I’m going to hurt him in the process too, but like I said, if he’s truly my friend, he will understand that I need to do this for myself.

It’s never easy saying goodbye to a friend, especially when that friend has been such an important part of your life…this person has become a part of you. But goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem. But I need to move on. The longer I try to hold on, the more painful this is going to be. He’s told me he wants to give this another chance, but at this point, I don’t see a happy ending for us. Maybe in another life…

– beautifuldarkmystery

i know it’s wrong.

It’s utterly and completely wrong. How can I love and want to be with someone who’s not completely sure how he feels about me…or at least, that’s how it’s coming across. I don’t get it. In a lot of ways, I can do a lot better…no offense to him. Has anyone else been in a situation like this before? What did you do?!

This is someone I’ve had deeply rooted feelings for over the last three years and unfortunately, in my case, they’ve only grown stronger. I say unfortunately because I feel like this relationship is toxic in a lot of ways, yet I continue to subject myself to it, causing unhappiness and a little anxiety if I’m being completely honest. How can I want something so badly that’s so wrong for me at the same time? It makes NO sense to me. I’ve never been in a situation like this before.

To give a brief summary of our history, it goes a little something like this. We met three years ago and had a crush on each other. But because we both are awkward and shy people it took about a year for one of us to finally confess our true feelings. From there, we tried to pursue something more. Unfortunately, he was the one who backed out because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship we had. My heart was broken. About a year later, we tried again…and the same thing happened. He broke my heart a second time. A few months ago, he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, and he was serious this time. We had a relationship that lasted for a grand total of…two months. I blame timing for this one because, yes, we were finally on the same page and things were starting to move forward and going the way we wanted. However, this also had to be the summer I was extremely busy traveling. Therefore, we didn’t have much time to establish anything. By the end of the summer, I was moving and we were both hesitant about doing long distance. Do I believe long distance relationships can work? I do, but only if both people have been together long enough to feel confident in being away from each other for a long period of time. Sadly, that wasn’t the case for us. We were just beginning our relationship. And unfortunately, I was the one who ended it. I didn’t want it to have to be that way, but everything he was saying was giving me doubts and I didn’t want to continue to put myself through that anymore. Now basically, since I’ve moved, we’ve had ups and downs…some days he still talks to me like I’m still his girlfriend, and other days he talks to me like I’m an acquaintance. I don’t understand where he’s coming from. And, not to mention, every time that we’ve seen each other since the break up, we always end up kissing and hugging, and acting like we’re in a relationship again. So obviously, the feelings are still there, I just don’t know what we’re doing. Wow, I know I said I was going to keep it brief. Oops.

Recently, I found out he’s going to be moving closer to me starting January of next year. We’re going to be fifteen minutes away from each other. I know that things happen for a reason, and maybe this is our chance to start over and really develop something. But I’m scared at the same time because I know we’re both going to be working and I just hope he makes the time for me because I’d do it for him. He’s always been someone good with words and by that, I mean he says a lot of things but doesn’t follow through with them.

There have been a lot of red flags but I’ve chosen to ignore them…so I guess I can’t really complain. But I just don’t understand the psychology. How can I love someone who doesn’t make me feel special? How can I love someone who wouldn’t do anything to keep me in his life? How can I love someone who can’t even take me out on a proper date? (Yes, that’s right…we never went out on a single date when we were together). I wish I could get rid of all those feelings and start over, but he has my heart and that frustrates me. I know that a part of me will always love him no matter what, but I definitely feel like I deserve to be treated better than he has been treating me. Well, when we met up a couple of nights ago, I got the feeling he’s still in love with me, but I wasn’t convinced and that’s the thing. And if I tell him this, I already know what he’ll say in response, “Well how can I convince you?” That’s the whole reason we broke up…was because we couldn’t find the solution to our problem. So why get back into something that I know is going to end terribly? It’s because I’m one of those people that doesn’t want to give up. I want to give it another shot, even though I know it’s probably going to end even worse than the first time. Why I choose to put myself through this pain (considering how badly it damaged me the first time), I have no idea. And what does that say about myself and my self worth? It’s kind of sad now that I think about it. I’m basically giving my all to someone who doesn’t deserve it and that’s a huge mistake right there.

He continues to tell me that there’s a place for us in the future, but if that’s going to happen, there needs to be some changes, and I’m not just talking about change from my end of the relationship. He has to recognize what he’s doing wrong and do something about that too, it can’t just be one way. And that’s where it’s going to go wrong. I already know because when we met up face-to-face, I told him that I know there are things about myself that I need to work on, and he didn’t say anything. He just told me, “It would make things a little easier.”

Well, Next year is it. If nothing has changed, I HAVE to move on. I can’t keep giving him more chances. Time’s up. I want to be happy and I want to be with someone who makes me feel happy. And I don’t want to “waste time” on the wrong person. Life’s too short. If things don’t work out this time, I’m going to have to force myself to move on. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.

– beautifuldarkmystery

all too familiar.

It feels weird being back here again…not texting each other every day, not seeing each other…this is all too familiar. I know that right now, we both need to not be in contact in order to move on…because as long as we’re still “present” in each other’s lives, we’re not going to let go. It sucks because I’m finally coming to the realization that I need to start doing what’s best for myself, even if it’s not what I want. For example, I’m going home in a couple of days and I’m staying there for about a week. I really want to see him and hang out with him…but I don’t think it’s going to help me. It sucks it has to be that way, but I need to fight it. As much as we want to be there for each other now, we can’t. It’s too hard when the feelings are still there.

I talked to my mom and sister about this because it was starting to scare me how upset I’ve been over this whole thing. I’ve never been through anything like this so all of these feelings are new. But they said I just need to allow time to heal me back, and they’re right. That’s the only way really. It just sucks when the one person you’re closest to is slowly becoming a stranger all over again. I hate it. I miss being close to him, I miss telling him everything, I miss him telling ME everything. I miss what we had. And now that’s all gone.

It seems like he’s already started to move on. I wish I could say the same, but deep down inside I am hurting. But I act like nothing is wrong…I want this week to be fun. I don’t want to think about what’s going on.

– beautifuldarkmystery

head vs. heart.

It scares me how strong my feelings are for him…but I think it’s for real this time, that we’re going back to being just friends. At the moment, I don’t know that I can. How do I even get over this? How do I push past this and move on? Right now, that seems impossible. I just want to be happy again, and right now, happiness would mean being with him…but I know that’s not going to happen. On top of that, I can’t seem to let go of what’s happened in the past, things that have caused me to have trust issues with him…so even if we were to get back into a relationship, I DON’T know that I’d be happy. It really sucks and I’ve never been in a situation like this. I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m going home for a week and maybe this will be my chance to talk to some of my friends and find comfort. I’ve confided in a couple of people about this, people who I think understand me the best and can sort of advise me through all of this. I know it’s not the end of the world, but it sure feels like it. He’s always been so good with his words, saying exactly what I want to hear, and me, being who I am and the emotional person I am, took every single word to heart and believed all of it. I’m not saying that all of what he was saying was false, but it doesn’t help me now.

Right now, he needs to do what’s best for him, and I need to do what’s best for myself. He shouldn’t have to feel like he has to walk on eggshells whenever he talks to me just because I get super sensitive over stupid things sometimes…but at the same time, he realizes and knows why I get sensitive over all of it…because he knows what he’s done. Unfortunately, I hate to have this type of attitude, but it is what it is. I don’t know what it would take for me to get over the times he hurt me in the past. I don’t know that it would happen again because he’s been the one unsure of his feelings all this time. It’s that hesitancy that makes ME hesitant and that’s no way to start off any relationship. Some may ask, so why give him another chance if it didn’t work out the first two times? Well, to be honest, YES, it would have spared me a whole lot of pain right now if I just said no. But I’m the type of person that would rather go through with it than spend my life wondering “what if?”. When he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, I had a feeling it was going to be different this time. And in some ways, yes it was. I do believe his feelings were real and strong towards me. Do I think he still has some of those feelings? Absolutely. We were both each other’s first real love, so we’ll never forget that.

A few posts back, I mentioned having a strong feeling that we’d end up together again in the future. It was a pretty strong feeling and I’d never felt anything like that before. But now that I’m looking at the bigger picture, the smaller that hope is becoming. I think we were putting too much pressure on ourselves in the first place, and I kind of felt it. I’m sure he did too. So that’s not to say that by taking this pressure away, things can happen more naturally…but based on our history and past experiences, I don’t see us having a successful relationship. So as much as it pains me to say it, we are better off being friends. But I just wish it didn’t have to be this difficult. I’ve never had feelings for anyone the way I have feelings for him. Like I said, it truly scares me. It scares me to lose him to someone else, it scares me that someone else can make him happier. And I don’t know if I can be friends with someone I am in love with…to watch him love someone else, that breaks my heart just thinking about it.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to move on. All I know is that I can’t let what happened happen again. I cannot let this consume me, to the point, where I sit in my room and just think about it. I’ve recognized this about myself and know it’s never good. So I need to try and stay as busy as possible…try to think of happier and more positive things. But I can’t leave myself alone with my thoughts because that’s when I get worked up over nothing. I wish I didn’t feel so much with my heart. I feel like that gets me into trouble a lot of the time. We’ll see what happens. I might see him when I come home and we’ll just see how that goes. I just hope it’s not too awkward.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Can you remember your first love? 

jealousy is such an ugly feeling.

I hate feeling jealous. But then again, who loves it? That’s what I thought. It’s such a waste of energy because it’s like what’s the point? You can’t control the way people feel or think, so what’s the use in “worrying” about something you can’t change? Right? I hate that I still get jealous every time I see him hug another girl or every time I think there’s something going on. I try to brush it off because I don’t want to be one of those people that gets jealous over everything. At this point, I know that in my mind there’s NO WAY things will EVER work out between us. And honestly, I could care less if we’re still friends. I’ve stopped making an effort because I don’t think I can ever be friends with him again. It’s hard…once you’ve developed strong feelings for someone, it’s hard to get over. I mean, pretty much for the most part, I AM over it…but there will always be that small part of me that holds on and it’s frustrating. But let’s just say, hypothetically, he gets into a relationship (my worst nightmare), how am I supposed to be happy for him when I still have deeply rooted feelings? It’s not fair to either one of us. That’s why the whole friendship thing isn’t going to work for us.

I can see he’s still trying to make an effort to stay in my life…not as much as when he liked me and was trying to do everything to impress me…but every now and then, he’ll either say or do something to show me that he’s trying. I want to tell him that he’s wasting his time because I’ve slowly stopped making an effort. I can’t do this anymore.

I think there’s a bigger issue to look at here. I try not to hold grudges because A) it’s not healthy for my own being and B) it’s also a waste of energy. However, looking at this situation as a whole, I think I am holding a grudge against him that I just need to let go of. I hate when people make me look stupid and I’m still upset over the things he did to me. I know I need to get over it and move on…but any of you who’ve been in this situation before will understand where I’m coming from.

I know that with time, things will get better. I held a grudge against my ex for the longest time, but now I’m over it…but that took how long??? Exactly. There are lots of things I need to work on about myself and I’ll get there. Change like this doesn’t happen over night. But I hope that one day, I can learn to let go of the past and move forward…because as long as I keep dwelling on it, I’m running in circles going nowhere.

– beautifuldarkmystery