we don’t always get the closure we want.

Wow, I haven’t written anything here in a while. That’s partly because the last couple of months have been a bit busier for me. I wish I could sit here and say my life’s been full of exciting events that I’m dying to talk about, but that’s not the case. Although, something did happen last month that I’d like to reflect on.

So last month, I made the bold move of sending him an e-mail. At that point, it had been nearly six months since we spoke to each other and I just wanted to clear the air. I put a lot of thought into it. I spoke right from the heart because I wanted to know that, if this was our last exchange, that I got everything I needed to say off my chest and I can let it be. I’ve always been the type of person who searches for closure in any situation. Sadly, as I’m growing older, I’m learning that you don’t always get the closure you want.

It took him a few days to respond. Of course, when I wrote it, I had to tell myself that he wasn’t going to respond. As much as I wanted him to acknowledge I reached out to him, why would he? I was the one who cut him off. I was the one who decided to stop talking to him. I was the one who cut the strings. So he doesn’t owe me anything. Yet, I felt like I owed HIM something, which is also not quite right.

But anyway, I don’t know why I was expecting this heartfelt response, but when I read what he wrote, I was a little hurt, but not enough to put me in a tailspin. However, I would have rather him not reply at all than get the response I did. And THAT’S the moment when I knew that I’d done everything I could. This friendship could not be saved. We’re both at that point where we’ve just given up on each other…not because we want to, but because we have to. Even if this were to continue, it’d be toxic for the both of us.

So from that point on, I decided I was not going to tamper with this anymore. It’s better to let it be and let bygones be bygones. I don’t hold grudges. I’m not mad anymore. I can’t be disappointed anymore. It’s time to move on. I’ve spent more than enough time trying to hold on to something that was gone a long time ago. I’m a stubborn person, and as much as I felt like I gave up on him, obviously there was always a part of me that was still trying and willing to turn this around.

At some point in your life, you have to learn that people will never change. They’ll never be the version you want them to be. Sometimes, you have to pick up the pieces on your own and carry yourself through the pain. But no matter what happens, you have to realize that you’re not the bad guy. It takes two people to get to a place like this. As much as I took the blame, I have to tell myself that this wasn’t entirely my fault. But I’m not here to point fingers. I’ve accepted my wrongdoings, I’ve apologized for them, and now it’s time to move on…once and for all.

The worst part is that it’s always going to hurt a little. It’s going to hurt because I care. Sometimes I hate that I care so much, but there’s someone out there for all of us. It might take a little while until we find that person, but when we do, it’ll be worth it. Every heartbreak. Every ounce of pain we’ve ever endured. None of that will matter anymore once we find our other half.

– beautifuldarkmystery

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hold on to that feeling.

You know that feeling you sometimes get when you just know that everything is going to be okay? I wish I could hold on to that feeling. I wish it never went away. I’ve been doing better for the most part…aside from the occasional slips and I fall back into those ruts.

I think the most important thing to focus on right now is how far I’ve gotten. This has been one roller coaster of a journey and sometimes, I can’t help but sit and think that this was a lot more difficult than it needed to be. Sometimes, I reflect on the decisions I’ve made and how I’ve handled certain situations and I wonder if maybe I did over-react or maybe I could have handled it differently. But there I go again…thinking about the past when clearly, there’s nothing I can do to change it. So why bother???

The fact that I still continue to try and justify my actions and choices makes me a little sad. I shouldn’t have to feel like I have to explain myself to anyone. I often wonder what he’s thinking…if he thinks I just simply gave up just because we’re not talking anymore…especially when I said I’d always be there for him and that I wasn’t going anywhere. Well, to be honest, I think we were both a little naive. I had to make the decisions I made in order to be happy again. I wasn’t happy with the way things were going. I wasn’t happy with the way I was being treated. There’s a difference between giving up and knowing when you’ve had enough. I’m a pretty tolerant person and it takes a lot for me to walk away, especially when I’ve fought so hard and so long for something/someone.

I need to stop worrying about what he’s thinking. His opinion of me shouldn’t matter. Right now, I need to focus on myself and focus on the people I still DO have…the people who genuinely care about my well-being and want to see my happy. I need to get rid of any toxins….any negative energy and give myself a chance to breathe and recollect.

to be honest, I don’t know if we’ll ever be friends again. As much as I want to, I have to think how having him back in my life would affect me…and after everything I went through with him, I don’t want to put myself through any of that all over again…especially when it’s taken me this long to make any sort of progress.

I know it sounds like all I’m doing is complaining, but I’m just trying to think out loud. My natural tendency is to overthink a lot of things…if only all of this was as easy as the flip of a switch, right?

-beautifuldarkmystery

un-friended.

Yesterday I deleted my ex off of Facebook. Some people may see that as an immature way to handle things, but sometimes it’s necessary, especially for someone like me, who’s been having a difficult time trying to move on. Sometimes, you need that clean break from an ex in order to even have the slightest chance of moving on.

We live in a generation where our lives revolve around social media. These are the main ways we stay connected to our friends…we find out what they’re doing through what they post. I’ve been thinking about this for the past week now. I knew that un-friending him meant I would no longer be able to see what’s going on in his life, and he would no longer be able to see what’s going on in mine.

I won’t go into too much detail about my situation, but we have been in this limbo since we broke up (which was about five months). We weren’t even in a relationship that long so it’s weird calling him my ex. But anyway, he’s made it clear to me in the last five months that he still has feelings for me but he doesn’t want to get back into a relationship any time soon. It has been THIS cycle that has caused me so much frustration because I don’t know what he wants from me. One day he’ll act like he wants me, the next he’ll act completely different. I’ve been unhappy through all of this, so enough is enough. I’ve learned that I need to come to a decision for myself…that we are never getting back together.

Unfortunately, since I’ve been in this cycle for a while now, it’s made it super difficult for me to move on…which is why I resorted to deleting him off of social media. Unfortunately, I lacked the self control and discipline and found myself visiting his Facebook page every once in a while to see what he was up to. Then, when I saw he was hanging out with his new friends, I would get my feelings hurt and I would feel left out and then I would get upset all over again. I want to get to that point where I’m not affected by the simplest of things. So I need a clean break. Cold turkey. I need to cut him off. It’s the only way…for me at least.

They say you should always trust your gut feeling. I was reluctant for the longest time about deleting him from social media, Facebook specifically, because I felt like if I did, I would lose him. But the irony of it all has been that…I’ve been holding on to him so tightly and I’ve been holding on to the hope that we would get back together that in many ways, I’ve already lost him. And like I said, I knew that once I did it, I wouldn’t be able to know what was going on in his life. But that’s the whole point of all of this. I need to break this habit of needing to know what he’s doing. I don’t want to be THAT person. Anyway, back to my point, my gut feeling told me I needed to do this. If I wanted any chance of moving on, I need a clean break. I thought I would feel regretful and sad after I did it, but surprisingly, I felt liberated, I suddenly felt like one of those chains had been broken and I felt a sense of freedom. I know it sounds crazy, but I guess I didn’t realize how much I was allowing this one person to hold me down. I don’t want to do that anymore.

I don’t know if he’s even noticed yet, but I’m not going to tell him I did it. The whole point of this is trying to be as subtle as possible. I don’t want to make a huge deal out of it. I’m just doing what I think is necessary for me in order to be happy again. Sometimes we have to be a little selfish and I’ve put his feelings before mine for way too long now and it hasn’t been reciprocated.

I know that this is just the beginning. But it’s a step in the right direction. I want to get to that place where I feel no bitterness towards him. Right now, because feelings are still so raw, I’m a little more sensitive than I should be to certain situations. I know that deep down in my heart, he has a piece of me I’ll never get back…but if I can move on for the most part and be okay, then that’s when I’ll know. It’s been difficult because he was my first love, so unfortunately, it’s the only love I know. But I know I’ll get there some day. It just might take a while, and that’s okay. But based on how I felt after I un-friended him, I knew it was the right thing to do. He might see it as an immature way to handle it, but if he really loves me, he’ll let me go.

– beautifuldarkmystery

Have you ever deleted an ex from social media after breaking up? Why or why not? Did it help you?

it’s only a matter of time until we meet.

People say that you’ve got to have a little patience…that when the right person comes along, it’ll be worth it. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve. I’m slowly but surely beginning to truly understand that and accept that. I want to be happy with the person I’m in a relationship. I don’t want to feel self-conscious, guarded, like I’m not good enough. And something tells me I’ll know when I’ve met the right person. I just wish I knew when. But that’s what’s great about life. It presents you with something when you least expect it.

I’ve been doing significantly better this week. I think I am finally beginning to accept the reality of my situation…that he and I are never going to be in the relationship again. I’ve tried to stay optimistic for so long, I’ve continued to hold on to hope, but I am only hurting myself by doing so.

I AM hanging out with him tomorrow, but it’s going to be different and I have to be conscientious of it. I know exactly what he’s going to say and do to reel me back in (because that’s what he always does when he feels like he’s starting to “lose” me or if he gets the slightest feeling that I’m moving on. If he wanted me, he could have had me…but yet, we continue to sit here in this limbo which has caused me agonizing pain, to the point where it’s affected me both physically and mentally. That’s not good.

The other morning, I woke up feeling different. I felt happy…genuinely happy. Despite whatever I’m going through with him at the moment, I felt a sense of peace. Now, I’ve felt this peace before, but this time, it felt different. It put me at ease and I had this feeling that everything was going to be okay. I don’t want to be a victim of this anymore. But I’m going to have to be the one to draw the line because if I don’t, he’s going to continue crossing those boundaries and I’ll never know where we stand.

I want someone who wants me. I don’t want to be an option. I want to know what it feels like to be somebody’s first choice. I haven’t felt that way yet, and maybe that’s because I have yet to meet that one person…that one person who’s going to change my life for the better.

I know you’re out there. It’s only a matter of time until we meet. In the meantime, I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing, knowing that one day you will walk into my life and show me why it never worked out with anyone else. I truly believe everyone is meant to be with someone. It’s just that for some of us, it takes a little longer. And that’s okay.

– beautifuldarkmystery

it is what it is.

At this point, I’m ready to accept the fact that it is what it is. It took me long enough to realize that this will never work. I don’t know what I was thinking, but hey, life’s about making mistakes and learning from them, right? I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately, but not in the way I’m used to thinking about him. I’ve been thinking about him from an outside perspective…I mean really taking a step back and analyzing our relationship.

I don’t know if I talked about this already or not, but I’ll briefly describe what’s been going on. So I hung out with him about a week ago and it was as if I saw a different side to him. He’s never been the one to be expressive with his feelings, let alone to me. Basically our friendship has been on the rocks for the last two years, ever since we confessed our feelings for each other. But this semester especially, I’ve been trying to distance myself from him because A) I felt like it’s what was best for me in order to move on, and B) he wasn’t exactly treating me the way I wanted to be treated.

I don’t know why he became mean to me all of a sudden. It was as if I wasn’t even a human being to him. I’ll admit, I can be a tad over sensitive at times, but in comparison to how the rest of our friendship has gone, this was like on a different level. Anyway, it’s sad because he spent this whole semester treating me like that, which resulted in me pushing myself away from him even more. And now that I’ve graduated college and about to move out of town, that’s when he decides to be nice to me. So essentially, while he could have spent what time he had left with me being nice and growing closer as friends, we were distanced…and now it’s “too late.” But I’ve learned to expect this type of behavior from him because that’s who he is. I don’t know if this is how all guys act and I’m not trying to generalize, but with the ones I’ve gotten super close to, this seems to always happen.

Yes, now, more than ever, will be a testament of our friendship. At this point, I’m having very mixed feelings about him. I know he wants to stay friends and he sees us living together in the future and working together, but I’m not entirely sure that that’s what I want. It’ll be interesting to see what happens, but I don’t think I’ve ever been in a situation like this before. I mean it’s pretty trivial from an outsider’s pov, but I don’t know. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

But it’s like I said in my last post, he has a piece of my heart that I’ll never get back. How can I live with someone I still have feelings for? It’s not fair to either of us. For the most part, yes, I have moved on, but as long as he’s still a presence in my life, I can’t move forward. I don’t know what his intentions are…all I know is that actions speak louder than words…and his actions have said enough.

– beautifuldarkmystery

a piece of my heart i will never get back.

I hung out with my friend the other day…yes, the one I’ve had deep feelings for over these last three years. It’s been a difficult relationship for the both of us, but at the end of the day, we have become a part of each other…forever.

This started when he asked me to hang out. He got very sad about me graduating from college. Basically our whole group graduated this year and he sort of feels left behind. I wasn’t sure how this was going to be. We hadn’t hung out one-on-one since last semester. I didn’t know if it was going to be weird or awkward because I’ve been keeping my distance on purpose. I stopped trying because I didn’t want to get hurt a third time by the same person. Those deeply rooted feelings…those don’t just go away over night.

We ended up going to lunch and he picked up the tab. We walked around for a little bit and headed back to school where we sat and talked for a couple of hours. To tell you the truth, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him express his feelings the way he did that day. For the first time, I really heard him say how much he’s going to miss me, how different things are going to be for him this fall semester without me there. He couldn’t believe how quickly I was leaving.

The thing was…it wasn’t as weird as I had hoped. I think for the most part, my feelings for him have gone away in that respect. However, there will ALWAYS be a part of me that has feelings for him. A piece of my heart I will never get back. He told me that I have become a part of him…and that when I leave, it’s like a part of him is leaving. That was one of the sweetest things he could have said to me…to know I’ve made such an impact on his life means I’ve done my part as a friend. No, our friendship hasn’t been easy by any means, but I will always love him. It may not be in a romantic way like I had hoped, but I love him and I know he loves me. Beneath all the chaos and pain we both experienced is a bond that will never go away. I don’t really know how to describe it. Never did I ever think that when I started college I’d meet someone I’d grow so close to, someone I’d become attached to. It only makes it that much harder to be apart.

I told him if he ever feels sad, I’m always a phone call away. I said sometimes hearing the person’s voice makes it a little better. But honestly, I believe he’ll be just fine. As much as he says he wants the fall semester to be over with, he should enjoy it. This is his last semester of college. If I could stay another semester, I probably would have. It went by way too fast and I feel like just when I found my niche, it was time to say goodbye. I know in the long run, I’ll keep in touch with the ones who mean the most to me, but when you’ve worked with a certain group of people, not just just in the classroom, but outside of school on sets as well, you become a family. You share the same memories, you grow close. It’s really sad for me to leave all of that behind.

But I know that no matter what happens, he’ll always be with me and I’ll always be with him. We may fight, get on each other’s nerves, and everything in between, but a true friendship isn’t always butterflies. You have to experience the bad in order to appreciate the good. I know he never meant to intentionally hurt me, it just sucks that it happened. But he’s not a terrible person and I know he meant well. There comes a point where I have to let go of the past, let go of the grudges and move on.

– beautifuldarkmystery

my sister is my best friend.

Growing up, my mother always taught us that my sister and I will always be each other’s best friends. Today, that still holds very true. We both have had our fair share of bad friends, and through it all, we’ve constantly been there for each other. When my sister was brought home from the hospital, I must have been at least one year old. My dad has video footage of my reaction to getting a new baby sister. It was very apparent that I didn’t want one. Growing up I’ll admit I was a brat towards my sister. I’d rather just forget all those years completely because I was so mean to her sometimes.

It breaks my heart when I see siblings treating each other disrespectfully because that’s not how I was raised. In high school, my sister and I had these two friends. He was always mean to his younger sister and it just made me feel uncomfortable sometimes because I hated seeing that. However, over the last couple of years, I have seen them grow closer, probably because he’s been going through a lot in terms of figuring himself out, but it’s been nice to see.

But we fought like any pair of siblings, it wasn’t picture perfect. Things just never escalated or we never really had any huge fights. The older we got, the less fighting there was. In high school, we were attached at the hip. Normally siblings try to avoid each other at school, but we did everything together. We were in band so we pretty much always had a class together, we ate lunch together, had the same group of friends. We would always get complimented on how close we were.

Now we’re both in college and we go to different schools. It’s been tough trying to adjust to this new lifestyle, but no matter what, I know she’s always going to be there for me. I’ve noticed that the older we get, the closer we get, which I suppose is pretty normal. But I am glad my mom taught us to stick together because when everyone else walked out, my sister was the only one left standing. I will always be there for my sister no matter what. She’s told me things in confidence and vice versa. It’s always nice to have that one person to “vent” to when you feel like no one else will listen.

Plus, I get the feeling that we just get each other without even saying anything. It has to be because we’re related, but it’s quite amazing. We always seem to know what the other is thinking. No matter who comes into my life, no matter who I date…my sister will ALWAYS be my best friend. I don’t know what I would do without her. She has continued to love and support me like a sister should and I am super lucky to have her in my life. I hope she feels the same.

– beautifuldarkmystery

Do you have any siblings, and if so, are you guys close? Are you each other’s best friends?