old feelings.

Is it so wrong that I miss you? That I miss our friendship? Our talks? Our closeness? Is it wrong that I still yearn for things to be different between us? Is it wrong that I still think about you…a lot…

I feel guilty for cutting you out of my life and not letting you know. But you have to also understand that I needed to do what was best for me at that time. I felt like I didn’t owe an explanation. I just needed to do what I needed to do. So I shouldn’t still feel this guilt, right? I mean, it’s been over two years now.

I still think back to when we first met. Strangers. Just a couple of shy, awkward adolescents. We didn’t know anything about each other. We didn’t know the journey we were about to embark on. The ups and downs. Unsaid feelings. Miscommunication. The night you worked up the courage to finally ask me out.

We both knew we weren’t the best fit for each other, yet, we somehow made it work. We were different, but I think in many ways we were the same. I don’t know why I’ve been thinking about all of this so much. Especially lately. Maybe it’s because we’ve recently reconnected and are speaking to each other again. Or maybe I miss those feelings. Either way, there’s no denying that I miss my best friend.

I don’t know where our journey will take us next. With my poor track record, this is the point where we start drifting apart. No longer friends, merely acquaintances…to strangers who share a history together. I wish you nothing but happiness, even if it means I’m not in the picture. I just want you to be happy. I wish I could be a part of that happiness, but life doesn’t always work out the way you want it to.

Honestly, I don’t know how you’d react if I ever said any of this to you, but you won’t have to worry about that because you’ll never know. We had our chance. I blew it by walking out prematurely, but you have to admit that things weren’t getting better.

I’ve always believed that if something is meant to be, it will happen. If we’re meant to stay in each other’s lives, even if it’s just as friends, only time will tell.

different this time.

I’m one of those people that tend to be very introspective and I can spend hours analyzing and dissecting my thoughts and feelings. It’s a blessing and a curse, in my opinion.

A couple of posts ago, I mentioned that I reconnected with an old friend who also happens to be an ex. I feel like I’ve explained our story/situation many times in previous posts, so I’ll spare you the pain. In short, we reconnected for the first time after not seeing or speaking to each other in nearly a year.

When we initially reconnected, I told him that I was thinking about asking if he wanted too hang out, but wasn’t sure how he would feel about it given our circumstances. He said he would be completely down, but that I would have to wait a couple of weeks because he was short on money. So I told him to let me know.

One week goes by, then two. Here I am again, waiting like an idiot for a message I’m never going to get. Pretty soon, nearly a whole month goes by and by this point, I just assume he doesn’t want to hang out. I see multiple check-ins on Facebook so I know he’s going out with friends and clearly has the money to do so. At this point, I was just going to let it go. It wasn’t worth getting into an argument. We’re not even really friends anymore, so what does it matter, right?

Well, one night,  I was sitting at my computer and something compelled me to go on Facebook and send a thoughtful message to each of my closest friends. I truly believe it was because just a couple of weeks earlier, Christina Grimmie was shot to death and then there was the Pulse shooting. Most of the victims were around my age and it it really affected me…that their lives were taken away in an instant, just like that. I know I shouldn’t need a reason to do this, but life is just too short and precious. I like to constantly remind my friends how much they mean to me and how important they are to me.

So I began sending out one message at a time. I had no problems writing from the heart and clicking that send button. But then, I got to him…as I sat there and contemplated whether I should send a message, the better half of me won and I basically told myself, it doesn’t matter what’s happened between us. If he meant anything to me, I would write him a message. It didn’t matter if he felt the same way or not. It didn’t matter that I had a fear of being rejected once again, even though there wasn’t any reason for me to feel any sort of rejection.

Within a few minutes, he messaged me back and said it was sweet. He then apologized for not getting back to me about lunch and I said it was fine. Then he asked me if I was available on Tuesday and I said yes and he said we’ll go to lunch then. Now I just felt awkward, because if I had never sent that message, he wouldn’t have brought it up. I got the feeling that he felt obligated to make plans with me, which didn’t make me feel all that great, but I wasn’t going to argue. I really had nothing to lose at this point.

Before I know it, Tuesday rolls around and I am having so many mixed feelings. I fixed my hair and did my makeup without going too over the top. I had to consciously remind myself that I wasn’t going to try and impress him. I didn’t even dress up either. I was pretty casual. My biggest fear about going into this whole thing was that the moment I saw him, all those feelings would come flooding back and I would be back to where I started. The reason why I cut him out of my life was because I needed to move on, and as long as he was still in the picture, that was never going to happen. My feelings were too strong. So before I left, I told myself to be strong and not take everything he says with a grain of salt. I anticipated it was going to be really awkward anyway, so I just told myself to do my best.

When I saw him for the first time, it was a little weird at first, just because it’d been nearly a whole year since we hung out just the two of us. He gave me a hug and I said it was good to see him. And then the moment I was waiting for never happened. I felt nothing. No butterflies (not even from nerves, I was pretty calm surprisingly), all those feelings he once gave me when we were together, gone.

As we started to talk more, it became a little more comfortable like old times, but I still felt like I was the one initiating everything. If I didn’t, we would have been sitting there in complete silence. Honestly, at one point, I was thinking to myself that I wanted to get out of there because it was just too weird. A part of me wishes I would have been more upfront with him, cut the chitter chatter, and asked what his deal was. But, of course, being the person I am, I wasn’t going to be confrontational.

When lunch was over and we were walking to our cars, I told him that if he ever wanted to hang out, just let me know. I already know it’s not going to happen but I at least made the offer. My problem has been that I’m too nice. I let people take advantage of me. I make myself available to the others at their convenience when it’s not reciprocated. I was relieved it was over, but was still left with unanswered questions.

That night, I came across an old text he sent me years ago. It said, “Believe me when I say this. Unless you tell me to stop, I will always try to be a part of your life.” At the end of the day, it’s not my job to get all these questions I have answered. The truth is that I won’t know the answer to everything. Sometimes, I just have to let things be and take them for what they are. I’ll never know the real reason he wanted to reconnect. Maybe he still wants to be friends. Maybe he “just wants to keep tabs on me” without having to directly ask me. Or maybe he wants to try and rekindle our friendship/relationship again (although, that’s a bit of a stretch and highly unlikely). Whatever the reason, I’m just glad that we’re at a point where there are no residual feelings of anger or resentment towards each other. We both learned a lot from this, but if we can somehow be in each other’s lives going forward without feelings getting in the way, I am totally fine with that.

The most important thing is that I stayed strong and today was the day I realized that this situation no longer had control over me. I can finally rid myself of these demons and move on once and for all. I’m glad I did this because if I didn’t get all my questions answered, I still got closure. I know he’s going to find someone who will make him happy and that relationship will work in all the ways we didn’t. The same goes for me. I believe there’s someone out there who’d love what I have to offer. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

beautifuldarkmystery

soulmates.

They don’t always have to be in the romantic sense. I believe soulmates come in all different types. They’re simply people you felt you met for a reason, that you were always meant to find your way to each other.

It’s funny because my college ex was the first person I ever had this “feeling” with. When we first met, I don’t know what it was, but I felt that he was going to play an important role in my life. I knew he wasn’t going to be one of those people that comes and goes. He would stick around for a long time.

Long story short, we met in 2011. Since then, we’ve had about four falling outs, we went out for two months, and had a huge falling out post-relationship for nearly one year. Yikes. Not even trying to make myself the victim here, but I got hurt a lot, and mainly because I didn’t know how to stand up for myself. Because he was someone I wanted to be with, I did everything to fit his idea of the “perfect girl”, and boy, did that bite me in the long run. DON’T DO IT. Finally, because I didn’t know where we stood with each other, I needed a clean break, and I mean absolutely no contact with him whatsoever.

Anyway, every time I’ve cut him out of my life, he’s always had a way of finding his way back, which I find very strange. I’ve never been in a situation like this, but when I saw that he wanted to re-connect with me on social media, I figured okay, it’s been a year, I feel better about things, I won’t make the same mistake again, and let’s just be adult about this. So I think at this point, unless he does something to really piss me off, there won’t be a need to cut him off like that anymore.

And honestly, I don’t know why now and why at all. I don’t know if he did it to keep tabs on me. I don’t know if he did it because he missed me. I don’t know what his intentions are, but at this point, I’m just going to let it go. It is what it is.

Life sure does work in mysterious ways and I don’t know where we’ll be five years from now. They always say to never close the door completely on anything, but in all honesty, our ship has sailed. There’s no way we could ever be in a relationship again, and even if he was considering it, my answer still remains the same. I experienced more emotional turmoil in this relationship than with anything else I’ve ever been through in life. It sucked. Our friendship will never go back to being the same either. We can’t simply erase all that history and start over like it never happened. But we can move forward.

We did meet up today for the first time in a year and it was definitely awkward, but tolerable. The more we talked, the clearer it became to me that this will never work out moving forward, and that’s okay. But, I think whether he wants to admit it or not, we do have a special bond, because no matter how far he wanders away from me, he always finds his way back.

I don’t like being on bad terms with people, so it’s nice to know that we’ve reached mutual grounds and that there are no residual feelings of resentment towards one another. We’re pretty much as okay as we can be given the circumstances, and honestly, I can live with that. I am content. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I genuinely wish him the best and I hope he ends up with someone who can make him happy in the ways I could not. True love is wanting the best for someone, even if you’re not in the picture. If this was a year ago, I would have been jealous at the thought of him being with someone else, but now that that’s sort of a reality now, I’ve come to terms with it and accepted it and I am okay with it! I never thought I would be, but I guess that goes to show how much I’ve learned about myself in the process.

beautifuldarkmystery

free.

It’s been over a week now since I let everything set in, and honestly, I’m okay with it. I think, had this been a year ago, the story would be completely different. I think one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever have to make in life is letting go of someone you truly love. But they say if you really love something, set it free, right?

I’ve come to terms with the fact that right now, I need to focus on myself and getting my life in order. A relationship should be the last thing on my mind at the moment. I need to find work, I need to be self-sufficient, I need to know that I will be okay on my own first. Once I know I can do that, I feel like everything else will follow.

beautifuldarkmystery

 

happiness.

Sometimes, another person’s happiness doesn’t include you…and at some point, you have to be okay with that. I recently found out my ex got into another relationship and I was shocked at first, just because I wasn’t expecting it. I was suddenly hit with all these different emotions, sadness, anger, happiness, relief…it was very confusing and I could feel my moods quickly changing from one to the next. However, as I allowed everything to sink in and come to the realization that this wasn’t a dream, I came to terms with it and accepted that our story was never supposed to work out. There was no happily ever after for us, as much as we both wanted it.

Of course, being the person I am, I went to the girl’s profile to see who she is. She’s very pretty and seems to be into the same things as him, so what more could I ask for? He does deserve to be happy, just like anyone else. No matter what’s happened between us in the past, that doesn’t change the fact that I still want nothing but the best for him.

Do I miss him? Of course…I always will. Do I love him? Yes, I always will, even if it’s not in a romantic way anymore. But at this point in our lives, it’s best to just let each other live our lives. If our paths cross again, I’m always open to being friends again. But I’ve come to find that the more I try and push being friends, the worse it gets. Plus, because we haven’t really seen or spoken to each other in over a year.

To be completely honest, this is all still so new to me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel or react, but all I can do is listen to my heart and use good judgement. I’ve never felt what it’s like to see someone you used to be in love with now in love with someone else. Even though I haven’t physically seen them together, just seeing that relationship change was enough. But you know what? I am okay. I have accepted the entire situation. Our relationship is way in the past. It’s time to move on to bigger and better things.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about how things could have been, but what’s done has been done. But this was the day I was waiting for, and now that it’s happened, there’s nowhere to go but up. Even if he doesn’t consider me a friend anymore, I will always be here for him. He will always have a special place in my heart, even if it’s not reciprocated. His happiness still matters just as much to me as it did when we were in a relationship, even if I’m not in the picture anymore…even if I’m just some distant memory at this point.

There’s a lot that can be said about this whole thing, but then I feel like I would just be repeating myself. If there’s one thing I can take away from this experience, it’s that I grew from it and learned more about myself than I ever thought was possible. I can only hope that he feels the same way. This has been a strenuous journey, but now it’s over. It’s time to start a new chapter and move forward. For the first time, I feel like I can walk away from the situation at peace. And I couldn’t be happier.

beautifuldarkmystery

un-friended.

Yesterday I deleted my ex off of Facebook. Some people may see that as an immature way to handle things, but sometimes it’s necessary, especially for someone like me, who’s been having a difficult time trying to move on. Sometimes, you need that clean break from an ex in order to even have the slightest chance of moving on.

We live in a generation where our lives revolve around social media. These are the main ways we stay connected to our friends…we find out what they’re doing through what they post. I’ve been thinking about this for the past week now. I knew that un-friending him meant I would no longer be able to see what’s going on in his life, and he would no longer be able to see what’s going on in mine.

I won’t go into too much detail about my situation, but we have been in this limbo since we broke up (which was about five months). We weren’t even in a relationship that long so it’s weird calling him my ex. But anyway, he’s made it clear to me in the last five months that he still has feelings for me but he doesn’t want to get back into a relationship any time soon. It has been THIS cycle that has caused me so much frustration because I don’t know what he wants from me. One day he’ll act like he wants me, the next he’ll act completely different. I’ve been unhappy through all of this, so enough is enough. I’ve learned that I need to come to a decision for myself…that we are never getting back together.

Unfortunately, since I’ve been in this cycle for a while now, it’s made it super difficult for me to move on…which is why I resorted to deleting him off of social media. Unfortunately, I lacked the self control and discipline and found myself visiting his Facebook page every once in a while to see what he was up to. Then, when I saw he was hanging out with his new friends, I would get my feelings hurt and I would feel left out and then I would get upset all over again. I want to get to that point where I’m not affected by the simplest of things. So I need a clean break. Cold turkey. I need to cut him off. It’s the only way…for me at least.

They say you should always trust your gut feeling. I was reluctant for the longest time about deleting him from social media, Facebook specifically, because I felt like if I did, I would lose him. But the irony of it all has been that…I’ve been holding on to him so tightly and I’ve been holding on to the hope that we would get back together that in many ways, I’ve already lost him. And like I said, I knew that once I did it, I wouldn’t be able to know what was going on in his life. But that’s the whole point of all of this. I need to break this habit of needing to know what he’s doing. I don’t want to be THAT person. Anyway, back to my point, my gut feeling told me I needed to do this. If I wanted any chance of moving on, I need a clean break. I thought I would feel regretful and sad after I did it, but surprisingly, I felt liberated, I suddenly felt like one of those chains had been broken and I felt a sense of freedom. I know it sounds crazy, but I guess I didn’t realize how much I was allowing this one person to hold me down. I don’t want to do that anymore.

I don’t know if he’s even noticed yet, but I’m not going to tell him I did it. The whole point of this is trying to be as subtle as possible. I don’t want to make a huge deal out of it. I’m just doing what I think is necessary for me in order to be happy again. Sometimes we have to be a little selfish and I’ve put his feelings before mine for way too long now and it hasn’t been reciprocated.

I know that this is just the beginning. But it’s a step in the right direction. I want to get to that place where I feel no bitterness towards him. Right now, because feelings are still so raw, I’m a little more sensitive than I should be to certain situations. I know that deep down in my heart, he has a piece of me I’ll never get back…but if I can move on for the most part and be okay, then that’s when I’ll know. It’s been difficult because he was my first love, so unfortunately, it’s the only love I know. But I know I’ll get there some day. It just might take a while, and that’s okay. But based on how I felt after I un-friended him, I knew it was the right thing to do. He might see it as an immature way to handle it, but if he really loves me, he’ll let me go.

– beautifuldarkmystery

Have you ever deleted an ex from social media after breaking up? Why or why not? Did it help you?

don’t force what’s not meant to be.

So I was sitting here just thinking and all of a sudden it hit me…for someone who’s always been a planner, my life has almost never gone according to plan. Things didn’t happen the way I had imagined or hoped. I’ve always been the type of person who needs to know what happens next. Uncertainty freaks me out. But the more I go through, the more I see that things happen for a reason, even if they don’t happen the way you want them to.

From the time I was about five years old up until my freshman year of high school, I knew I wanted to be a teacher. Whenever I was asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, that was my answer. I wanted to be a teacher because I always liked the idea of helping others. Growing up, I had teachers who inspired me and helped me. I just wanted to be that person for others. But I didn’t go to school to get my teaching credentials. I went to school for film, something on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Never thought that would happen.

I always knew I was going to college, no questions there. But I had no ideawhere. Even up until my senior year of high school when I had to start applying to places, I had no clue. My friends and peers seemed to have it all figured out and here I was, blindly picking from a hat (not really, but you get the idea). Ultimately, I chose the school I went to because that’s where my dad went and I didn’t really have anything else to go off of. I never had a “dream” school like most kids. I know that I would have made friends regardless of where I chose to go…but I wouldn’t have found the same people I did at my college. I made some of the greatest friends there and if choosing that school meant crossing paths with those people, then it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

During my undergrad years, I knew I was going to grad school…until I graduated and had no idea what I wanted to do. Suddenly, I wasn’t so sure of myself. The hesitancy came from not knowing exactly what I wanted to pursue in film, or if I even wanted to continue pursuing it at all. I began to ask myself so many questions, which led to self-doubt and I ended up overwhelming myself. Since then, I’ve calmed down a but. I realize that it just takes time. I believe that, for right now, I am where I need to be, and I’ve been provided an opportunity that could lead to something else. But if it doesn’t, that’s okay too! I’ll just pick another route and see what’s behind door #2. To be honest, I thought that I’d have my life figured out by the time I graduated college. Nope. That’s not how this works. Some people do, and that’s great…but it’s not like that for everyone. I can’t even begin to express how much anxiety this has given me, but luckily, I’ve surrounded myself with people who have kept me sane and grounded…people who talk sense into me when I need it most. That’s what friends are for, right? Sometimes I don’t know how they tolerate me. Bless their souls haha.

I always thought my first relationship would be like the one you see in movies. He takes you out on a date, he buys you flowers, he tells you how beautiful you are. Well, sadly, it was anything but, to be honest. I remember feeling so frustrated that things were moving so slowly. I begin to question his feelings towards me, which didn’t make me feel all that great. However, at the time, I didn’t know that he was going through some things…things I couldn’t even begin to understand. He didn’t open up to me until after we broke up, and that’s when the fighting began. I remember I was so mad at him. But now I’ve finally reached that point where I can genuinely say that I am happy for him. It took a while, but I got there. Looking back, I see that he had to go through what he went through in order to get to where he is now. At the time I didn’t see it because I was so frustrated, but I was that person who offered him stability. I was the first person he chose to confide in, probably because A) I was the first person who deserved to know, and B) I was his best friend. So even though things didn’t work out the way I had planned, I can see that things worked out for the better. No, we weren’t meant to be together, but we were brought together for a reason. Our relationship/friendship served as a stepping stone in order for both of us to get to the next part of our lives. Unfortunately, we haven’t seen each other in about three years, and we talk only once in a while, but from what I can tell, he seems very happy and that’s all I can ask for.

What am I getting at here? Life happens. Most of the time, it doesn’t go the way we want or imagine. It’s great to have goals and have something to work towards. At the same time, it’s also important to allow things to happen the way they’re supposed to happen. Don’t force something that’s not there because you’re only wasting your time. You go through the things you go through so that you become a better person. You go through these things because life is preparing you for something greater. If the universe is giving me all the signs, I need to take the hint. Continuing to fight what’s not meant to be is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It’s just not going to work.

Life is a mystery and I’m beginning to embrace the beauty of that. It’s exciting and a little scary wondering where I’ll be in ten years. I can tell you where I want to be, but it doesn’t mean it will happen. But that’s not what’s important. What’s important is that I KNOW that things will happen for me. They may not be on my watch, but that’s okay! As long as I have faith that I will have a job, I will work for a great company, and that I will get married, that’s all I really care about. If it takes a little longer for me, then so be it.

I may never be able to change who I am because, well, this is who I am. I like to plan things. I like to know what’s going to happen next. But if there’s anything this life can teach me, it’s that I need to be a little more open to the ambiguity.  As much as I may not like it at times, this is what makes life so interesting.