and then reality sets in.

I’m starting to reach that point where I’m really starting to evaluate my relationship with him and starting to wonder if it’s even worth trying to pursue something more. After talking to my mom and sister and some of my closest friends about this, it almost seems like there are more cons than pros. It’s not the answer I want, but I have to stop and ask myself…is it really worth it. That doesn’t mean that he’s not worth it. I’m saying, is it really worth putting myself through all of this to be with someone…especially when I feel I am not being treated like I deserve to be treated.

It’s so difficult when your heart is in one place, but your head is in another. How is it possible to have feelings for someone who isn’t right for you, and you KNOW he isn’t right for you? How? That blows my mind. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. My mom told me that I should follow my heart and I told her, “Well, look where that got me.” This is probably one of the toughest growing pains I’ve experienced yet. I know I’ll have to talk to him face-to-face at some point about all of this because I want to know once and for all where we stand for each other. Are we friends? Are we more than friends? I am done being in this limbo with him and it shouldn’t have to be like that. Honestly, I feel like if he really wants a relationship with me and wants to be with me, it would have happened by now. Something is holding him back and I don’t know what it is. He told me yesterday he’s totally fine and recovered from our “disastrous” breakup back in September. Maybe there is someone else in the picture but he isn’t telling me about her. It’s none of my business, but if he doesn’t want to be with me, then he has to let me know. I think I deserve to know that much at the very least. I waited three and a half years for him and I’m not going to wait around any longer.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Advertisements

some things fall apart so other things can fall together.

I’ve been texting him a lot tonight and our conversation suddenly took a turn towards the deep end…we just broke up recently and obviously the feelings are still there on both ends. But he wanted to know if he should tell me if/when he meets someone new. I didn’t really know how to answer this at first, but basically I told him that I would want him to tell me so I wouldn’t be waiting around wishing on something that’s not going to happen. However, because my feelings are so strong, I wouldn’t be happy…I would start to pull away. Then he responded with something like, “Well then you won’t have to worry about that because I don’t want you to pull away. I need you in my life.” See how sticky this situation is??? I told him it wouldn’t be temporary, but it WOULD be difficult for me to be in his life, seeing him happy with someone else. I know I’m not alone in this. We’ve all gone through it at some point.

This whole conversation started when I brought up the film festival a few of our mutual friends gathered for back in June. There was one particular night when a group of us were hanging out at the after party and we were all bowling and having a good time. He pointed out that that night is his favorite memory of me because he’d never seen me so free and happy before. I’m typically a reserved and quiet person…a lot of my friends know me as the “serious one,” but that night, it was like everyone saw a different side of me, a FUN side. Yes, serious people know how to have a little fun too. Anyway, then I started joking around saying that I’ll probably have plenty more of those nights now that I’ve moved and he said he wish he could be there to see it. Then, randomly, he said, “Yeah, you’re sure to catch someone’s eye.” I said, “What’s that supposed to mean?” He said, That you’re beautiful and amazing.” And then we went on from there. I said, “The girl you end up with is going to be a lucky one. Guarantee it. ­čÖé You’re more amazing than you think.” He responded with, “Here’s to hoping it’s you. And the same goes for you. Whoever you end up with there will always be a part of me that’s jealous.”

It’s difficult not being in a relationship anymore when the feelings are still so strong and very much there. He plans on visiting me at least once this semester and he still wants to take me to Disneyland for my birthday. I don’t know if this is going to help or hurt us, especially since we’re trying to hard to “move on.” I keep having this gut feeling that he’s going to meet someone this semester or grow closer to someone this semester and then I’m going to get that dreaded text or phone call. I fear this because it’s happened before. A long time ago when I was still in school, I was working a shift at a local film festival and he texted me and said something along the lines of, “Do you think we’ll ever end up together? I’ve been hanging out with someone and I feel like I’m betraying you.” That was one of THE worst text messages I had ever received and I fear that history is going to repeat itself and I’ll be the one hurt again. Feelings suck. I wish I could detach them all…

Speaking of feelings, he told me he didn’t have very many until he met me. That was kind of nice to hear because it only reaffirmed that what we had was very real. The feelings were real. It wasn’t just some relationship. We truly loved each other and we still do. These last two weeks have been hell for us…from breaking up to coping with trying to go back to being “just friends.” It’s been difficult. And now that I’m 300 miles away from him, it sucks even more. But I mean, maybe we have to be apart to realize how much we need each other. We may even date some people between now and the next time we see each other. But at the end of the day, I truly believe with all of my heart that if we love each other, we will find our way back. I strongly believe it. There’s something about him, there’s a connection I feel with him that I don’t feel with anyone else. I don’t know how to describe it. But I don’t want to get my hopes up and be disappointed yet again. But something is telling me that this isn’t over yet. My mom’s told me the same thing, some of our friends have said the same thing. I can only hope that they are all right.

-beautifuldarkmystery

heartbreak and regret.

The last couple of days have been pretty rough for me. First off, I broke up with my boyfriend. I know, it’s crazy…we’d only been going out for a couple of months. But there’s more to the story. I am hurt, frustrated, lost, and regretful.

It all started when I came back from my trip. I hadn’t seen him for a whole month so I was looking forward to returning home and spending time with him before I have to move. Sadly, that wasn’t the case. Things started off great…he came over to my house the day I got back just so he could spend time with me. I had missed him so much and I’ll never forget the feeling I had when I saw him for the first time in 30 days. It was what happened after that was the beginning of the end.

A couple of days after he came over, I noticed we were a little distant. Okay, sometimes, I have a tendency to be really passive aggressive, and instead of telling someone what’s wrong, it translates into being pissed off. He brought up that when I get in moods like this, he doesn’t know how to handle it and it hurts him because he doesn’t know what to do…and that if it continued, he didn’t know how much longer we’ll last. Our conversations started to become stiffer and stiffer. (These conversations were all happening through text, which was not a good idea.) He also started saying things like he has doubts about our relationship whenever he doesn’t see me…meaning it gets difficult for him when we are apart. As he was saying these things, I started to become anxious and get way inside my own head, overanalyzing every little thing instead of just talking it out. As the week went on, I became more and more frustrated. On top of this, I was already dealing with other personal issues, so the timing of everything really sucked. I felt trapped and I had no way of getting out. We continued texting for the week and I was so paranoid that I kept asking him if this is what he really wanted. He kept telling me yes, but the way I was thinking was that he wasn’t happy and that he was staying in this only because it was what I wanted.

On Friday night, we met up and I ended up being the one breaking up with him. But the thing was, I just jumped to a conclusion instead of trying to talk it out like I wanted to. And I found out after the fact, that he had NO IDEA why I was upset. So if he didn’t know, how could he have fixed it? We were both upset. I broke down because I really didn’t want to do it, but I felt like it was what was best at the moment. We both left things on bad terms. Both of us were broken, hurt, and visibly upset.

I spent all of Friday night and Saturday morning absolutely miserable, crying my eyes out. I can’t remember a time I felt that upset over anything. It physically hurt, I could feel my heart breaking. I felt like I had no control over my emotions. And I think I felt ten times worse than he did because I was the one who broke up with him. I hurt him.

When I woke up Saturday morning, I checked my phone out of habit, expecting a text from him like usual. Sadly, there wasn’t one. I nearly went the entire day not talking to him. My mom hated seeing me so upset that it actually made her cry, and that didn’t make me feel any better about what was going on. She sat down with me and we had a talk. I decided I needed to talk to him again. So I texted him…I said I just wanted one or two hours of his time to really talk and we were originally going to do it Sunday because Saturday night, he had already made plans with his friend. But he said if I really wanted to meet up that night, he’d be there.

We met up, same time same place as the night before. He was very guarded when I saw him, which was understandable. I don’t think he wanted to give me a hug, but I gave him one anyway. Then we sat in my car and I started the conversation. It’s never easy to admit you’re wrong, but that’s exactly what I had to do…own up to my mistake, because I felt like I’d made a HUGE mistake Friday night. I told him I was willing to make some compromises and changes to make this work. There was a pause before he looked at me and said that he didn’t think it was a good idea. He said it was too soon and he was really destroyed Friday night. Yes, I was disappointed, but at the same time, I understood and he had every right to feel that way. But yes, I was hurt because I guess I was expecting the answer he gave me, but I was still a little hopeful.

He didn’t make me feel any better when he continued to tell me how the rest of Friday night went for him. He came home and talked to his sister and now she doesn’t like me very much. He said he was hoping that before we parted ways that night that I would have taken him back. That KILLED me because for the rest of that night, that’s all I wanted to do. I began to regret everything I said on Friday night, the way everything went down, the fact that I didn’t even give him a chance to explain his side of the story…and I ruined something good. We would have been perfectly fine if I would have just communicated with him on Friday night like I did on Saturday night.

When things got a little better, we ended up grabbing a bite to eat, and then we sat in his car for the rest of the night just talking and reassuring each other that we’re always going to be a presence in each other’s lives…that no matter what happens, we will ALWAYS be there for each other. We both agreed we’ve never fought for each other as much as we have for anyone else, and that what we have is something truly special. I almost felt as though we became even closer that night, no matter how much the circumstances sucked. So in the end, yes, we walked away on good terms, which is great because it could have ended a hundred other ways under much worse circumstances. But the fact that he was willing to meet up with me the day after I broke his heart and that I cared enough to reach out to him and talk to him and apologize for what I felt was a mistake on my behalf…that shows what type of relationship we truly have. We care enough about each other that much.

When we were just sitting in his car, it was a little rigid, only because we were used to being a couple and now we were trying to keep our hands off of each other. It was difficult because he kept staring at me and rubbing my leg as if we were still in a relationship. He’s a very physical person when it comes to that sort of thing, so his natural tendency was to touch me.

“What are you thinking about?” I said.
“Well, I want to say something, but I don’t know if I’m allowed to say it anymore,” he responded.
“Tell me.”
“You look amazing. That’s why it was so hard for me to look at you and say that I couldn’t take you back.”
“Oh, well thank you.”

We sat there and continued to look at each other. His hand was still on my leg. I put my hand over his.

“It’ll be okay,” I told him.
He gave me a look.
“What?” I asked.
“I really want to kiss you now and it’s taking everything in me not to do it,” he said.
“I know, it’s hard. Believe me,” I said.

To make a long story short, we gave into temptation and went back to being a couple for one more night. In hindsight, I don’t know that that was a good idea. At the time, I was thinking, well, it doesn’t really matter because I’ll be gone after this and I won’t be able to see him. But I shouldn’t have given him what he wanted because the next morning, he told me that this gave him closure to this step in our relationship. I kind of felt like if he didn’t want to go back to being in the relationship, I shouldn’t have let him treat me like his girlfriend when I wasn’t.

But now I need to move forward, even though it’s difficult at the moment. I’m a person who adores the small things…a good morning text, holding hands, cuddling, a kiss on the forehead…ALL of those things are the things I’m going to miss the most. I’m going to miss being close to him. I’m going to miss texting┬áhim all day, every day. I’m going to miss sitting on the couch with him watching The Big Bang Theory. I’m going to miss him telling me that he loves me. The sound of his voice, the way he used to look at me, like I was the most beautiful girl in the world. I’m going to miss the fact that he remembered every single detail of our relationship, from the day I said yes to him, to the first time he told me he loved me. I’m going to miss everything we’ll never have…how we saw a future together, living together, growing old together, the fact that we both wanted to go to Disneyland together as a couple for my birthday…but now none of that is ever going to happen.

Before the night ended, he told me he’ll never lose hope that one day this could work out, but sadly, I think I lost my final chance. I forgot to mention that there’s a possibility he cold be gone for a year and a half starting next January, and a LOT can change in that amount of time. Feelings could change. But I can only speak for myself, and I know that I truly love this guy. There’s no one else I can see myself with. I love him so much I was willing to really make some changes in my life in order to make this work, but I guess at the end of the day, it wasn’t worth it to him too…not saying that he doesn’t care, because I know he does. But we are different people and maybe I’m too much for him to handle. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to detach my feelings because I don’t think they will ever go away. I’ve felt this way about him for the last three years and the feelings are still strong; they just grew stronger once we were actually in a relationship. He will always have a part of my heart I will never get back…even if he moves on completely. I will always love him in a way I don’t love anyone else. He will always be that one guy I never lose feelings for. I know it may seem like I’m only saying that now because everything is raw and still recent…but I truly believe this in my heart…it’s why I held on for so long, it’s why I fought. The thought of meeting someone else seems unfathomable. I hate that I took away his happiness, I hate that I hurt him, I hate that I was the cause of his pain.

-beautifuldarkmystery

What challenges and obstacles do you face in your relationships? How did you work it out?

rock bottom.

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been super busy. First off, I spent last month in another state working on my first feature. Unfortunately, that caused some friction in my relationship because ever since I’ve come back home, things have not been the same between us. To make things worse, we’ve been texting, not talking, which is resulting in me overthinking and overanalyzing a lot of things…therefore, jumping to conclusions I don’t need to jump to. We’ve both considered splitting before I move. I’m going to be six hours away from him and he doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle the distance. But a couple of days ago, he decides to drop the bomb (well, almost) on me and tell me he might be moving across the country for a year and a half. How am I supposed to take that? They’re both for job opportunities and I would be happy for him if he got both, but I don’t know if I can do long distance. I think in order to do long distance, both people need to feel secure in the relationship, something both of us are lacking. A recipe for disaster.

To make things even worse, as soon as I got back home, I was supposed to start studying for the GRE so I can start applying to grad schools. However, by me being distracted by all that’s going on with him, I neglected my studies and caused friction with my mom, who gave me NO slack. I don’t blame her though. I let this stupid thing take over my life and resulted in some very poor decision-making.

I tend to be the type of person that doesn’t like to open up, and my mom got even more frustrated with me because I wasn’t telling her what was going on. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to her about it, I didn’t know if I was too much inside my own head and that anything I was thinking was even rational at all. Plus, I kind of knew what she would say…and she would try and talk me out of the relationship without intending to.

I don’t know what’s going to happen, but something needs to change. We need to sit down and talk. I think there’s been a lot of miscommunication, which is causing a lot of unhappiness. I’m frustrated because I want this to work, but I keep getting the vibe from him that he doesn’t want this. Yet, he tells me he doesn’t want to break up with me and all he wants is for me to be happy. The way I interpret that is…he’s in the relationship only so that I’ll be happy, which is not right. It’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to me. I’ve given him opportunities for an out, but he insists on staying. Maybe I’m going to have to be the one to pull the cord. As much as I don’t want to. Everything my mom is telling me, everything I am feeling…points to, I shouldn’t be with him.

But I love him so much and I can’t picture my life without him. If we end it, there’s no way I can go back to being “just friends” with him…especially after EVERYTHING we’ve been through these last three years. We’ve only been dating for a couple of months, but this whole thing has been going on since we met. It may be one of the toughest decisions I have to make and I don’t want to do it. But if things really don’t start changing, I’m going to have to do it.

I haven’t felt this frustrated in a long time…not just with relationships, but with my personal life as well. I just graduated college and have no idea what I’m doing. In some ways I feel like I’m being pressured to go to grad school so I can get that higher degree, but at the same time, I don’t even know that that’s what I really want. On top of that, I need to start looking for a job and I don’t know if what I got my BA in is what I want to do in life. There are a lot of things in question at the moment and the timing of everything just sucks. I’ve been crying for the last four days and I don’t even know how I still have any tears left, to be honest. Well, it’s like they say, the great thing about hitting rock bottom is that you can only go up from there. So here goes nothing.

– beautifuldarkmystery

In a relationship, how do you know when to try harder or when to walk away?