don’t force what’s not meant to be.

So I was sitting here just thinking and all of a sudden it hit me…for someone who’s always been a planner, my life has almost never gone according to plan. Things didn’t happen the way I had imagined or hoped. I’ve always been the type of person who needs to know what happens next. Uncertainty freaks me out. But the more I go through, the more I see that things happen for a reason, even if they don’t happen the way you want them to.

From the time I was about five years old up until my freshman year of high school, I knew I wanted to be a teacher. Whenever I was asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, that was my answer. I wanted to be a teacher because I always liked the idea of helping others. Growing up, I had teachers who inspired me and helped me. I just wanted to be that person for others. But I didn’t go to school to get my teaching credentials. I went to school for film, something on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Never thought that would happen.

I always knew I was going to college, no questions there. But I had no ideawhere. Even up until my senior year of high school when I had to start applying to places, I had no clue. My friends and peers seemed to have it all figured out and here I was, blindly picking from a hat (not really, but you get the idea). Ultimately, I chose the school I went to because that’s where my dad went and I didn’t really have anything else to go off of. I never had a “dream” school like most kids. I know that I would have made friends regardless of where I chose to go…but I wouldn’t have found the same people I did at my college. I made some of the greatest friends there and if choosing that school meant crossing paths with those people, then it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

During my undergrad years, I knew I was going to grad school…until I graduated and had no idea what I wanted to do. Suddenly, I wasn’t so sure of myself. The hesitancy came from not knowing exactly what I wanted to pursue in film, or if I even wanted to continue pursuing it at all. I began to ask myself so many questions, which led to self-doubt and I ended up overwhelming myself. Since then, I’ve calmed down a but. I realize that it just takes time. I believe that, for right now, I am where I need to be, and I’ve been provided an opportunity that could lead to something else. But if it doesn’t, that’s okay too! I’ll just pick another route and see what’s behind door #2. To be honest, I thought that I’d have my life figured out by the time I graduated college. Nope. That’s not how this works. Some people do, and that’s great…but it’s not like that for everyone. I can’t even begin to express how much anxiety this has given me, but luckily, I’ve surrounded myself with people who have kept me sane and grounded…people who talk sense into me when I need it most. That’s what friends are for, right? Sometimes I don’t know how they tolerate me. Bless their souls haha.

I always thought my first relationship would be like the one you see in movies. He takes you out on a date, he buys you flowers, he tells you how beautiful you are. Well, sadly, it was anything but, to be honest. I remember feeling so frustrated that things were moving so slowly. I begin to question his feelings towards me, which didn’t make me feel all that great. However, at the time, I didn’t know that he was going through some things…things I couldn’t even begin to understand. He didn’t open up to me until after we broke up, and that’s when the fighting began. I remember I was so mad at him. But now I’ve finally reached that point where I can genuinely say that I am happy for him. It took a while, but I got there. Looking back, I see that he had to go through what he went through in order to get to where he is now. At the time I didn’t see it because I was so frustrated, but I was that person who offered him stability. I was the first person he chose to confide in, probably because A) I was the first person who deserved to know, and B) I was his best friend. So even though things didn’t work out the way I had planned, I can see that things worked out for the better. No, we weren’t meant to be together, but we were brought together for a reason. Our relationship/friendship served as a stepping stone in order for both of us to get to the next part of our lives. Unfortunately, we haven’t seen each other in about three years, and we talk only once in a while, but from what I can tell, he seems very happy and that’s all I can ask for.

What am I getting at here? Life happens. Most of the time, it doesn’t go the way we want or imagine. It’s great to have goals and have something to work towards. At the same time, it’s also important to allow things to happen the way they’re supposed to happen. Don’t force something that’s not there because you’re only wasting your time. You go through the things you go through so that you become a better person. You go through these things because life is preparing you for something greater. If the universe is giving me all the signs, I need to take the hint. Continuing to fight what’s not meant to be is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It’s just not going to work.

Life is a mystery and I’m beginning to embrace the beauty of that. It’s exciting and a little scary wondering where I’ll be in ten years. I can tell you where I want to be, but it doesn’t mean it will happen. But that’s not what’s important. What’s important is that I KNOW that things will happen for me. They may not be on my watch, but that’s okay! As long as I have faith that I will have a job, I will work for a great company, and that I will get married, that’s all I really care about. If it takes a little longer for me, then so be it.

I may never be able to change who I am because, well, this is who I am. I like to plan things. I like to know what’s going to happen next. But if there’s anything this life can teach me, it’s that I need to be a little more open to the ambiguity.  As much as I may not like it at times, this is what makes life so interesting.

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beyond frustrated.

At this point, I really don’t know what to do anymore…I don’t know what’s right. Yesterday was the first day of my internship and I was really excited to start working there and finally have something to keep my mind off of my personal issues. He texted me about 30 minutes before I got off and asked if I wanted to get something to eat, and, of course, I agreed.

Rewind. It was his birthday a couple of days ago. A couple weeks ago we had talked about what he wanted to do and at the time, he invited me to whatever it was that he was going to plan. The weeks go by and I continue to hear nothing about it. I wasn’t going to bring him up because I didn’t know if he’d changed his mind about inviting me and I didn’t want to make it awkward. Anyway, his birthday rolls around. I texted him in the morning to wish him a happy birthday and all he said was thanks. Then that was pretty much it. I got him a gift, I wrapped it and made it look nice…and then I waited. The whole day goes by and I don’t hear from him. I knew he had a work-related event that day so I was trying not to make a huge deal out of it. Before I know it, the whole day is gone and by the time I saw that it was 9PM, I gave up and thought to myself, forget it. So I changed back into my pjs and watched my tv shows, trying not to avoid the fact that my feelings were hurt.

When I picked him up, I asked what he felt like eating, and he said, “I don’t know, but anything that’s cheap and fast.” When he said this, I now felt like I was being bum-rushed and then I was slightly irritated. We ended up eating at Wendy’s, but I wasn’t expecting anything less, to be honest. So I asked him how the event went and how his birthday was. He proceeded to tell me he hung out with his friends the whole day and had dinner with a girl at her apartment and then went to the event. Then his roommates had friends over by the time he got back so he hung out with all of them until about 2 in the morning. The more he was telling me about what he did, the more irritated and hurt I felt because I thought he would have wanted to spend at least part of his birthday with me, but I guess that wasn’t the case. I wasn’t really mad because at this point, that’s exactly what I expect from him. I’m just there when he needs me. But I did make a point of telling him that for future reference, if plans change (granted, this time he didn’t really know how his day was going to pan out), to just let me know so I’m not waiting around. Then he felt really bad…because technically I could have started my internship on his birthday, but because I didn’t know what he was doing, I made sure I kept that day available just in case. But I wasn’t going to make a huge deal out of it.

Another thing that bothers me is that he always seems tired when we hang out. I don’t know if he’s aware of how that makes me feel, but I feel like if you’re really that tired, then why bother hanging out with me if this is what it’s going to be like. I feel like I am wasting his time. And I said that, maybe not so direct. But I did say something like, “Well if you’re that tired, then you could have just stayed home. I wouldn’t have minded.” Then he always says the same thing. “But I wanted to hang out.” I’m sure he doesn’t act this tired around his other friends.

I know this all probably sounds very high school, but it’s not even about the fact that I didn’t get invited to whatever birthday plans he may have had. It’s more about the fact that I feel like ever since he moved down here, I’ve just been the “side chick.” I feel like I’m just the friend to go to when he has no one else to hang out with or nothing else better to do. That’s not a great feeling. I also don’t feel like I am appreciated as a friend…as a person.

The last time we hung out, he mentioned he had to run a couple of errands and asked me if I could drive him so it would go faster. Of course, I said yes. He had a whole day off before we hung out where he could have run his errands. But no, he was out with his friends. So what does he do? He waits until the day WE hang out, cutting into OUR time together, so he can run his stupid errands. I know I really have no right to complain because I could have just said no and been done with it. I’m usually passive aggressive about things but I let him know that this is not going to be okay…that he can’t make a habit out of me running his errands with him just because I have a car and he doesn’t. And at some point, I’ll have to draw the line too, and just say no.

Last night when we hung out, we were trying to find a place to eat and we drove by a Target. As we were driving back to his place, he asked if we could stop by the Target. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and it wasn’t like I had to go out of my way to get there…it was on the way back, so I said yes. As we were getting out of the car and heading into the store, he put his arm around me and thanked me for making this stop. I hinted to him how it made me feel by saying, “Yeah, no problem…because that’s all I’m good for, right?”

Then we got into the store, I thought he actually had to get stuff he needed…he got a dvd. That was it. As we were walking up to the front to pay for it, he starts poking me. This is his personality. This is who he is. When he feels there’s tension, he tries to break it by poking me or acting obnoxious, but it was actually annoying me even more.

When I finally pulled up to the front of his place, he gave me a hug and thanked me for hanging out with him. He said we’ll probably hang out next week and I kind of just brushed it off and didn’t make a huge deal out of it because I’m not expecting it anymore. It just kind of sucks feeling like I’m the option. I know that I did this to myself and I really can’t be upset about it. But when you still have feelings for someone and they don’t treat you with the respect you deserve, it’s kind of hard not to take it personally.

When I woke up this morning, I was in a bad mood, I didn’t feel like getting up and getting ready for my internship. I didn’t even put my contacts in or put my makeup on. All I could think about was everything he had told me last night…and realizing that every time he tells me he’s hanging out with a girl or going to a girl’s apartment, that this could potentially mean he’s moving on. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true. I believe a guy can go over to a girl’s place with no intentions other than to hang out with her. But this is all preparing me for the possibility of that happening.

I hate that I continue to allow situations to control me. I need to get my emotions in check. I need to not make myself to available to him because I think that’s why I continue to end up feeling hurt. He doesn’t think twice about his words or actions and how they might affect other people. But the more I give into him, whether it’s helping him run errands or hanging out when it’s convenient for him, I need to stand my ground more, and not just say the words. I feel like every time I begin to get to a good place where I feel emotionally stable, I take two steps back and I end up right where I started. I want to start making progress and I want to move on. I NEED to move on. Hanging on to him is toxic and not benefiting me. I think I just don’t want to face the fact of what I need to do…which is to cut him off completely. As long as he’s still in my life and I’m still seeing him, talking to him, interacting with him, there’s always an increased chance of me getting hurt.

I wish I could say I don’t know what to do, but I know exactly what I want to do, I just don’t want to do it. For me, at this point, I feel like it’s a lose-lose situation…and I say that because he’s told me before that whatever I need to do, just let him know. If I want him to leave me alone and give me space, to just tell him. I fear that if I do that, he won’t even be affected at all. He has his work friends, he’s been hanging out with them a lot more than he has with me. So I feel like even if I did this, it’ll do nothing to him…because right now, with the way he’s been treating me, it’s like I don’t even exist to him at all. So what difference would it make if I told him not to see or speak to me?

Whatever. I know I deserve to be treated better and I don’t know why I continue to hold on to a person who’s presence is hurting me more than benefitting. me. Maybe it’s time I really start evaluating the pros and cons of this relationship and really decide if it’s worth continuing to put myself through all of this.

I may not be in the best of moods right now, but the minute I walk through those doors at work, my personal problems don’t exist. I need to focus my energy in the things that really matter. The moment I crack and allow this to bother me, is the moment I let him win. And I am DONE allowing him to win.

We’ve never been great at communicating to each other, so I don’t know if he has motives. I don’t know if he’s trying to make me jealous. I don’t know how he feels about me…even though he says he still has feelings for me, what does that even mean? I can’t keep thinking about this as much as I have been because it’s rotting me away. I’m too young to feel this damaged by one person.

I am not defined by my past. I am not defined by the choices I’ve made. I’m not defined by the way others treat me. I am defined by how I get up after I fall. How I recover. How I make my comeback. Life’s going to throw a whole bunch of curveballs at me. The real test will not be how I take the hit, but how I deal with the pain.

– beautifuldarkmystery

Have you been in a situation where you felt like it was controlling you instead of you controlling it? How did you handle yourself? How did you overcome this obstacle?

the end is near.

In a week from today, I will be graduating college. It’s so weird to think about and I don’t think I’ve fathomed it yet. I can’t believe how quickly these last four years went. If I thought high school was fast, college’s got nothing on that. As I’m preparing to end my undergraduate journey, I’m left with mixed feelings.

To be completely honest, I still don’t know if film is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. My mom and dad don’t know and my sister doesn’t know. I haven’t really talked to anyone about it because I’m still trying to figure all of it out. I’m torn because on one hand, I try to convince myself that this is my passion because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be putting in the long hours on set and helping out on as many projects as I can. At the same time, as I’m surrounded by people who know what they want to do and are driven and motivated, I feel as though I’m left on the sidelines. I’ve had an awesome time in college, but I don’t know that I ever found my niche, what it is that I really want to do with my degree.

I will be going to get my Masters and even though it “looks better” to have the higher degree, I don’t really want to go. I haven’t told this to my parents either because they’re the ones who “made the decision for me.” I don’t want to disappoint them. I guess I better start being more proactive and really focus on trying to see what I like to do.

And that’s the other thing…I feel like if I have to TRY and search for some aspect of film that interests me, then I feel like this is what I shouldn’t be doing. To me, having a passion doesn’t require the effort of “searching,” it’s there, you just have to mold and craft it. But perhaps I AM getting ahead of myself. Maybe I haven’t “found” my passion yet and the best is yet to come.

I’m sure there are a bunch of other people who know how I’m feeling right now and can relate. So what can I conclude from this post? I have very mixed feelings about graduation. I’m happy because the last four years of hard work are finally paying off. However, at the same time I’m sad…not only because I’m leaving behind some incredibly talented and amazing people, but also because it means I will no longer have school to simply occupy time. I need to figure my life out and I need to find what motivates and inspires me.

I know that I don’t need to have all the answers at this very moment, but some guidance wouldn’t hurt. I’ve always felt a little lost throughout my four years of college, but every time I begin to think like that, again, I always remind myself that if I didn’t love it, I wouldn’t be putting in the long hours being on set. It’s a scary place to be in, but I think that this is pretty normal. I think if I WEREN’T questioning myself, I’d be in a lot of trouble.

– beautifuldarkmystery

untitled.

Well, this week will be interesting, since we’re talking again…no more awkwardness or tension in class, which I guess is a good thing, right? I don’t know. I just hope I don’t regret this. On the bright side, the semester is almost done. I think I’ve got like five weeks left or something like that. Wow, only five weeks left…that is crazy.

Anyways, I’m trying to force myself not to like him anymore, but it’s difficult. I mean, I don’t know what his intentions were by telling me he liked me in the first place. I don’t even know if he really thought this was going to go anywhere. I want us to be together, but I’m conflicted. If I listen to my heart, he’s the one I want and he’s the one I want to be with. There’s something about him that I’m still attracted to…there’s still some sort of comfort or security. Like I’ve said before, perhaps it was because he had good timing. He came into my life when I really needed a friend…and he didn’t even have to say anything. His physical presence was that sense of security and stability. If I think with my head, we’re better off as just friends. He’s thrown WAY too many red flags and his actions don’t match up with his words. A huge part of me says that is he really cared, he would have thought about my feelings…if he liked me like he said he did, he would have acted upon it. But I don’t know his past. Maybe someone’s hurt him before and he’s scared to put himself out there again. And I know I don’t make that very easy for him sometimes…I’m not always the easiest person to talk to.

I value the opinions of my friends and family…they think I’m making a mistake…but they know that this is a battle I have to fight myself. They don’t know him like I do. They just know what I’ve told them. There’s a gut feeling telling me that this is supposed to work out. But I’m not going to force it. If this friendship is meant to be, then it will happen. We both know it’s going to take a little more effort going forward because of what happened, but I have no idea what the future has in store for us.

I had it set and decided in my mind that after we had that fight, that was it. That was literally the end. But then he re-enters my life when I least expect it.

-beautifuldarkmystery

picking a college major.

So for this post, I’m interested in breaking down the process of choosing a major in college. As someone who’s been struggling with finding the right field, I hope this will help those of you just entering college who still don’t know what you want to do.

To be honest, I should have been more proactive in high school. I didn’t know where I wanted to go to school or what I wanted to major in…until it was time to begin the application process and I was forced to start choosing places. The universities I chose to apply to, I may have well just picked them out of a hat because I had no clue! I ended up applying to three local universities that were close to home and I got into my “top choice.” I had declared English as my major simply because I loved writing and considered myself a fairly experienced writer since I did well in my English classes and was a staff writer/reporter for my school newspaper.

After my first semester of college, I decided to change my major to film. In high school, I loved putting together music videos with my friends and I loved working with cameras and editing. I took my first Film/TV Production class the following fall term and I’ll admit, it was overwhelming at first. But by the end of the class, I had made new friends who were also in that major and I had learned how the different positions of a TV studio work.

After that semester, things got a little dry, and by that I mean, I took the film history classes and the electronic media classes that are more lecture than hands-on. I was beginning to question if I was in the “right” major or not. I began to lose motivation and confidence, but one of my friends told me to stick it out because the film industry is very broad and there are many different options you can go into with that degree.

At the beginning of this school year (now a third-year student), I saw an educational counselor to get an opinion on what I should I do. She basically said that if I wanted to change majors, I needed to do it now because after you pass a certain number of units, you are locked in that major and can’t switch. They want students to get in and get out. That didn’t help, so I ended up staying with my major.

On top of that, I declared a minor. A minor is not required for my major but A) It looks better to have those two degrees and B) It’ll be a good thing to fall back on if film doesn’t work out for me…or I can marry the two and form my own independent company. Who knows?

To this very day, I am still unsure about whether film is the right field for me. But now I am starting to get into field-specific classes like film management, the business of film, audio production, etc. I hope to take a screenwriting class next semester. Hopefully I’ll begin to figure out what it is I want to do.

Now that I am a little older and a little more mature, I am beginning to be a lot more proactive than I was in high school. I’ve even calculated what it’ll take to get me out of school on time (Not that I don’t want to leave just yet because I actually like college). At my university, they make it practically impossible to graduate within 4 years because students can’t get their classes and there are budget cuts left and right. The likelihood of my graduating by next spring is still pretty slim because that’s only IF I can take summer school and get ALL the classes I need for the next two terms. It’s a huge “What If” game.

So if you’re out there and you feel completely lost, whether you’re in high school or college, don’t stress. You WILL find what works best for you. Sometimes you just need to give it time. Don’t rush into things so quickly like I did. Slow down, breathe, and see what your strengths are. What are you PASSIONATE about? What can you see yourself doing for the rest of your life? I know what it feels like to “fall behind” the rest of the pack. It’s hard to watch your friends move ahead of you, who have everything planned out. Just remember to run your own race. I have to keep telling myself that because I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others, especially when it seems like they have it so much easier than me. But I know, everyone has their own battle they’re fighting. So stay in faith, don’t lose hope, and be PROACTIVE.

-beautifuldarkmystery