for the better.

So today was perfect. He and I got to spend time together and hang out. Most importantly, for the first time, I felt like I could be myself around him. We just kind of had a deep conversation about our friendship. I told him that sometimes I still feel like I receive mixed signals from him (my other friends are even beginning to suspect that there’s something going on between us). I was scared to bring this up because I was afraid he was going to straight up tell me that he doesn’t feel that way about me anymore, but he didn’t need to say it. I could just tell from what he wrote in his responses that it’s clear I’m overanalyzing the situation.

But oddly, I think I am okay with that because I think I’ve finally come to a point where I’ve realized that our friendship is one I’d never want to lose. I wouldn’t want us being in a relationship to destroy that friendship. Since our falling out, he’s really SHOWN me what a good friend he can be. I didn’t think that when I told him that actions speak louder than words that he wouldn’t listen, but he got the message loud and clear. Sure, it may have taken me ignoring him for a month in order for him to get the message, but I can tell that things have changed for the better. Even though there are times where I still think about him as more than a friend, I am really happy with the way things are now. I wouldn’t have them any other way. I feel like we are finally getting over that awkward and uncomfortable stage and finally becoming actual friends. That’s more than I could ever ask for.

-beautifuldarkmystery

you don’t see me that way.

I wish you’d care about me as much as I care about you, but you don’t see me that way. 
I wish you’d show interest in some of the things I love, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d look at me and smile like I look at you and smile, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d look into my eyes and tell me how you really feel, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d wrap your arms around me and tell me how much you love me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d come over to my house and cuddle with me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d watch Disney movies and romantic comedies with me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d hug me so tight you’d never want to let go, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d drive to my house late at night so we can watch the stars together, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d kiss me gently and smile as you pull away, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d put your jacket around me when it’s cold outside, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d take my hand and place it in yours, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d burn a cd of all the songs that remind you of me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d wipe my tears away when I’m sad, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d take goofy “couple” pictures with me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d say the words “I love you,” but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d play with my hair or move it away from my face as you look into my eyes, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d let me fall asleep to the sound of your heartbeat, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d take me somewhere we could be alone, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d pull me close and kiss me on the forehead, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d let me wear your favorite sweatshirt, but you don’t see me that way. 
I wish you’d tell everyone how lucky you are to have a girl like me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d call me beautiful and mean it, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d tell me you’d been in love with me this whole time, but you don’t see me that way.

-beautifuldarkmystery

There are a million more things I’d wish for, but there’s no point in continuing because you’ll never be mine. Though my heart aches, I need to accept that this is my reality. You can’t be all those things, you can’t do all those things because it’s not you. But despite the fact I KNOW I deserve better than you, my heart will never let go. Something always pulls me back to you. Just when I think it’s over between us, you say or do something that makes me think otherwise. I wish you could just be honest with me. You either like me or you don’t, which one will it be? I’ve been nothing but honest with you about my feelings. I just wish you’d do the same. But I get it, you don’t wear your heart on your sleeve like I do. But it kills me thinking of what we could be…

anything could happen.

We are going to be spending a lot of time together these next couple of weeks. I wonder what’s going on in his mind right now. I wonder if there’s a reason why he rearranged his schedule so that he can make it on Monday. I’m not going to get my hopes up. But I’d be lying if I said this doesn’t make me happy. Well, anything could happen. I just hope everyone else doesn’t suspect anything. This is the most complicated relationship I’ve had with anyone and the thing is…it doesn’t have to be this difficult. We’re MAKING it that way. -.-

-beautifuldarkmystery

mixed signals, mixed feelings.

Sooooo I need some help. So as most of you know, I’ve been dealing with this guy, we call him “Tom,” for about a year and a half now. We both had feelings for each other but didn’t do anything about it. We both felt like we were ready for that type of relationship. Well, I was, but he wasn’t. I just don’t think he knows how to handle himself in these types of situations. Plus, we’re both very awkward people and it doesn’t take much to make each other feel awkward. it kind of sucks, I know, and I don’t know how to change that.

Anyways, here’s my dilemma. So “Tom” and I are working on a project together, so obviously, we’ll be spending a lot of time with each other. Yesterday was a good example. So a group of us headed to the beach where we’ll be working on this project and the whole time he was either joking around trying to push me over or shove me into the water or giving me hugs from behind. But I can’t believe he actually picked me up and started going towards the ocean. I told him to stop because I had my cameras and cell phone but he insisted on getting me wet. Jerk.

When we got back to our friend’s house (where everyone met up), I got out of my car to help them get their stuff out of the trunk and he got out of his car and walked over to the rest of us. He comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me and just stands there, despite the fact that everyone was there. I don’t know. Maybe he was just trying to be nice, but I can’t help but feel like there’s something else going on. NOT getting my hopes up and to be honest, even if he did feel the same way, as much as I’d want this relationship to happen, I don’t think I can be in one with someone who doesn’t know what he wants. To me, you either want me or you don’t. But maybe that’s where we see things differently.

-beautifuldarkmystery

is it just me.

Or do you guys find it annoying when people “brush off” your interests like it’s nothing…I mean, I’m not saying they have to LIKE what you do, but I mean, a little conversation about it wouldn’t hurt. Once again, this shows me just how different “Tom” and I are. He asked me what I was doing and I told him that I was watching old marching band competitions (yeah, I was the band nerd in high school) and all he said was that’s cool. Then I asked him what he was doing and he said he was looking at highlights from Comic-con. So I started asking questions…if there was anything good, how long it lasts, where is it held…even though I have NO idea about any of those things. And yeah, I told him he lost me for a second when he dropped his “nerd vernacular” on me. But still, he seemed to get a lot more excited once we started talking about something he’s interested in. Go figure. That’s how everyone is.

I can’t wait to meet the one person who will actually show an interest in my life. Again, not saying they have to like what I do or even know anything about it, but SHOWING that they want to know more…that would mean a lot to me. Maybe I just have really really really high expectations of certain people and I need to either lower them or “discipline my disappointment.” I don’t know, just a thought.

-beautifuldarkmystery

rest in peace, talia.

Just when I thought I couldn’t be sadder, I found out that Talia Castellano passed away. For those of you who don’t know, this brave 14-year-old was on the Ellen show and she got to be Ellen’s honorary Covergirl. She made makeup tutorials on YouTube (and she was really great at it!). She had been battling cancer and the Lord decided she would be in a better place with Him.

Talia has to be one of the most inspiring people I’ve ever seen. I may have not known her personally, but from watching her interview on the Ellen show, she was a very bright, beautiful, and poised young lady…mature way beyond her years. When Ellen asked her how she deals with cancer, she said, “A little fishy once told me, ‘just keep swimming.'” Talia’s personality, her smile, her attitude on life…everything about her was infectious and I know she will be missed by a lot of people. Talia did not give up without a fight. She lived her life to the best of her ability. Instead of sitting around feeling sorry for herself, she chose to live life. That speaks volumes about a person. My thoughts and prayers are with her family and friends. The world is definitely not as bright without Talia.

rest in peace, cory.

As most of you know, on July 13, 2013, we lost a very special person. If any of you are huge Gleeks like me, this one really hit home. I meant to post this sooner, but this week’s been so busy for me. Anyways, here it goes…(I wrote this right after I heard that Cory passed).

So I know everyone’s talking about it. I JUST found out from my sister. I think I am still in shock and I can’t believe it. Whenever I hear of a celebrity passing, I’m sad when I hear the news, but hearing of Cory’s death really shocked me and to be honest, I’m still in denial, hoping that it’s just some terrible rumor. My prayers go out to his family, friends, Lea Michele and the rest of the Glee cast.

Glee is more than just a television show. It taught me that I’m not alone. In high school, I wasn’t the popular kid…no prom queen or captain of the cheerleader squad. I was in band, and we all know what people think of “bandies” right? Well, in my school, the band kids never really got picked on or singled out, but we all knew we were at the bottom of the social hierarchy.

When I heard of this show called Glee, I remember how excited I was to watch it because immediately, I could draw parallels to my own life. I fell in love with the series and I’m still a huge fan, despite the fact that most of the beloved and well-known characters are gone.

I never really had a favorite character on the show because I appreciated every single one of them for different reasons. However, I think the character I can best identify with is Finn…especially during the first part of this last season where he comes back to coach the glee club. Like most college kids, I’m sure, he didn’t know where his life was headed. The Army didn’t work out for him and college didn’t seem like an option to him…so he went back to the place where it all started for him, glee club. During my first couple of years of college, I had the hardest time trying to fit in with everyone. I seemed so different from them and I always found myself going back to the one place I always felt safe, band.

Finn’s always had that attitude like he’s not good enough, that his own fears are holding him back from being able to reach his full potential. He tries to surround himself with good people, people who show him that he’s more than he’s giving himself credit for.

When I heard that Cory admitted himself into rehab earlier this year, I was shocked because I didn’t know he was dealing with these types of problems. But I hoped for the best. Now, to hear that the cause of his death may be due to a drug overdose, it breaks my heart. At 31 years old, his life was cut short. Once again, this shows that life’s precious and we are not guaranteed tomorrow. I will always be a Gleek and I know Cory will be forever missed. This news shattered my heart, but if there’s anything I will take away from this, it will be the good things Cory/Finn and Glee did for me. Glee is more than just a television show. It’s proven to me that the underdogs can rise above the rest and come out better and stronger. Rest in peace, Cory.