do it for you and not anyone else.

The older I get, the more I’m learning about myself. But that’s how it’s supposed to go, right? Well, right now I’m in a situation where I don’t really know what I want to do with my life or what direction I want to go. I thought I did, but I’m lacking that fire, the passion that everyone around me has.

I recently applied for a job that I really want. I have not heard back from them yet, but if I do hear from them, it should be some time soon. The weird thing is that I haven’t wanted something so badly in such a long time. I kind of put all my eggs in one basket with this because I have not been looking at other jobs, I haven’t applied anywhere else. I know it’s crazy, but I want to hear from them first.

One of the main reasons why I want this job is because I want to push myself. I’ve always been a quiet and passive person, and I’ve heard that those qualities are ones you’re born with and can’t change, but I believe I can. By no means is it going to be easy…because what may come easily to others does not come as easily to me…but I know that if I really push myself outside my comfort zone, I can achieve what I consider impossible.

It’s one thing I’ve learned from past internships. I’ve surprised myself and done things I never thought I could do. It’s all about how much you want it and how far you’re willing to push yourself. It was very uncomfortable for me…something as easy as talking over a walkie to yelling and being loud (something I’m definitely not used to), but I did it enough times and it became comfortable. With practice, I felt more and more confident.

I’ve always been the type of person to believe when someone tells me I can’t do something. It’s a terrible mindset to have and I know I’ll never achieve anything with that kind of attitude. But as I’m growing older, I’m learning that, it’s more important to do it for yourself and not anyone else. I don’t owe anyone anything. If I want to push myself and I want to reach a certain goal, I have to do it because I WANT it.

I know it seems like common sense, but this is yet another one of those lessons that’s taking time and I’m going through it right now. I don’t think I’ll end up where I currently am. I don’t think this is my calling or what I’m meant to do. People may ask me, “Well, then what would you want to do?” I don’t know the answer. As frustrating as it is, I have to remind myself that it’s okay that I don’t have all of the answers. Things will happen for me when they are supposed to happen and if this job opportunity works out, then great. If not, then it’s not meant to be.

All I know is that I haven’t felt this passionate about something in a long time. I haven’t wanted something so badly in a long time. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I don’t want to lose hope either. Until then, I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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the end is near.

In a week from today, I will be graduating college. It’s so weird to think about and I don’t think I’ve fathomed it yet. I can’t believe how quickly these last four years went. If I thought high school was fast, college’s got nothing on that. As I’m preparing to end my undergraduate journey, I’m left with mixed feelings.

To be completely honest, I still don’t know if film is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. My mom and dad don’t know and my sister doesn’t know. I haven’t really talked to anyone about it because I’m still trying to figure all of it out. I’m torn because on one hand, I try to convince myself that this is my passion because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be putting in the long hours on set and helping out on as many projects as I can. At the same time, as I’m surrounded by people who know what they want to do and are driven and motivated, I feel as though I’m left on the sidelines. I’ve had an awesome time in college, but I don’t know that I ever found my niche, what it is that I really want to do with my degree.

I will be going to get my Masters and even though it “looks better” to have the higher degree, I don’t really want to go. I haven’t told this to my parents either because they’re the ones who “made the decision for me.” I don’t want to disappoint them. I guess I better start being more proactive and really focus on trying to see what I like to do.

And that’s the other thing…I feel like if I have to TRY and search for some aspect of film that interests me, then I feel like this is what I shouldn’t be doing. To me, having a passion doesn’t require the effort of “searching,” it’s there, you just have to mold and craft it. But perhaps I AM getting ahead of myself. Maybe I haven’t “found” my passion yet and the best is yet to come.

I’m sure there are a bunch of other people who know how I’m feeling right now and can relate. So what can I conclude from this post? I have very mixed feelings about graduation. I’m happy because the last four years of hard work are finally paying off. However, at the same time I’m sad…not only because I’m leaving behind some incredibly talented and amazing people, but also because it means I will no longer have school to simply occupy time. I need to figure my life out and I need to find what motivates and inspires me.

I know that I don’t need to have all the answers at this very moment, but some guidance wouldn’t hurt. I’ve always felt a little lost throughout my four years of college, but every time I begin to think like that, again, I always remind myself that if I didn’t love it, I wouldn’t be putting in the long hours being on set. It’s a scary place to be in, but I think that this is pretty normal. I think if I WEREN’T questioning myself, I’d be in a lot of trouble.

– beautifuldarkmystery

a good “friend.”

You know I love my friends when I go out of my way to get involved with their interests. Yes, we’re talking about him in particular. Last night, I started watching his favorite show and honestly, now I’m hooked and I think that made him really happy when I told him. It would be awesome if he showed a little interest in some of the things I love to do, but I’m not going to force it on him. If he’s interested, he can let me know. But yeah, I plan on finished every season this summer.

To me, there’s nothing more beautiful than watching people talk about the things they love or are passionate about. I even told him it’s as if I’m talking to a different person now because this is his life. He loves comic books and super heros so it was as if the level of enthusiasm went up a few notches when I started talking about it. Haha. It was great though. I mean, I’m really trying, and despite things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to, I’m at least showing him I’m a good friend by doing this. I just hope I don’t get hurt again by doing so…I need to keep my expectations low. I’d be a good girlfriend though, I’m just saying. Showing interest in his likes and passions. He’s making a huge mistake…

-beautifuldarkmystery

music will always be a part of my life.

I played the flute for nine years, and in those nine years, I fell in love with music. Little did I know that when I first picked up that instrument that I would embark on this wonderful journey. There are times I find myself missing it and I wish I could just go back to those days. Now that I’m in college, I’m already having enough trouble getting into the classes I need and there’s just simply no time for it anymore.

My parents never forced music to be a part of my life. It was something I wanted to do on my own. I guess you can say part of it may come from genes because my mom used to sing and play guitar, and my dad knew how to play piano and guitar. So music runs in our family.

To be honest, I don’t know what made me choose the flute. When it came time to sign up for band class and we had to select which instrument we wanted to play, I picked flute without any hesitation, and I stuck with it for the rest of my time in band classes. I can barely remember what it was like picking up that instrument and attempting to play it for the first time. Obviously, I was awful at the time, but I remember the day I bought my flute at the music store. Looking at this shiny piece of metal with buttons all over it. There’s no doubt it was intimidating, but I accepted the challenge. In no time, I was playing basic songs.

My passion for music was always there, otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed with it, but when I got to high school, that’s when it really became a huge part of my life. By my senior year I was enrolled in three band classes and it was so much fun. I was also involved in the marching band at my high school, an experience I will truly never forget for as long as I live.

Flash forward to my very last band concert. For me, it was very bittersweet. I knew that this was the end of my journey and that after this, I would no longer perform and be in a band class anymore. As weird as it sounds, being in band is like being on a sports team. We all have to learn to work together…learn to blend together and not overpower the other sections. So I was really sad when that last concert finally came. During intermission, me and three other senior flute players decided we wanted to play Canon in D during intermission. As I stood there looking into the audience, I stopped for a moment to take it all in. I loved performing and it was one of the things about music I would miss the most.

Another thing I will miss about band is all of the friends I made. Pretty much all of my high school friends were also in band with me and we had that in common. Though I’ve grown apart from most of those people, I’ll never forget the memories we created. Because band is generally looked down upon at our school (yes, there was the band geek stereotype at our school), we all kind of stuck together and didn’t really care what anyone else thought. We were all in this because music is what we loved.

Not too long ago, one of my good friends decided to have a get-together over winter break for the band kids who’ve graduated within the last five years or so. I’ll never forget what that felt like because I hadn’t seen more than half of those people since I was a freshman in high school. Now, they’ve graduated college or getting married. It’s unbelievable how quickly time flies. But what amazes me is that though we’ve all gone our separate ways…gone to different schools and started on the paths to our future, there’s one thing that will always bring us together and that’s music. It has that sort of power. Our band director even went and he kept saying how we should all do this again because it was just one huge walk down memory lane. It was awesome. The turnout was excellent, there were about 50 people that showed up, graduates ranging from class of ’07 to class of ’12.

I miss music so much. I will always be a band geek at heart and I’m glad I have pictures and video footage from those days to constantly remind me of how much fun I had. Music was my second life. Because I was so heavily involved with it, it became a huge part of my life. Every once in a while, I’ll put my flute together and start playing. It may not be as frequently, but I’ve still got it…and when I start playing, I’m reminded of how much I loved music and why I started in the first place.