maybe my expectations are too high.

Okay, I’m supposed to be writing an essay that’s due tomorrow, but I need somewhere to vent, so here it goes.

I am so tired of putting myself out there only to get rejected. I know I’ve said that I’m going to start pulling back, but I mean it this time. I am done with this. I think I can safely say I would be settling for less than I deserve if he and I went out. It sucks because I like him so much, but with everything that’s been going on between us lately (or lack of)…I don’t know that anything could develop. I think we’re better off as just friends.

All I want is to find a nice boy who will treat me well and show me that he cares about me. Is it really that much to ask? I don’t think I’m a high maintenance person, but it sure would be nice to feel like I’m cared about every once in a while. I guess the thing that frustrates me the most is that what he says and what he does are completely different.

And I know what most of you are going to say…just talk to him about it. Honestly, right now, I just want to brush it under the rug and not make a huge deal about it. For all I know, I could be overreacting to this whole situation. I just can’t help but feel a little hurt because I’ve done so much for him, and he can’t seem to return the deed.

I think the best thing for me to do right now is to pull away a little bit. I’m not saying I’m going to completely ignore him and make a big deal about this, but I need to lay off a little. If he really cares, he’ll step up. It’ll be hard, but I have to do this.

And I thought things would be easier being single…psh.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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i’m an idiot.

So I was walking to the library when I saw him walking away. I thought it would be a clever idea to see if I could catch up to him, but as I was walking, I was so concentrated in looking for him that I didn’t even notice he was now walking towards me. He waved and that’s what caught my attention. He was walking with a girl, I’m pretty sure I’ve met her before, but I don’t remember. Then, because I suck at lying, I basically said that I saw him and that I was trying to see if I could catch up with him and surprise him, but I think I ended up making myself look like an idiot in front of both of them. Then I walked as quickly as I could to the library, which was in the same direction they were walking, which made me look like more of an idiot. FML. Seriously…I definitely need to stop trying to hard sometimes. I am so embarrassed right now. I know things could be worse, but still…I think it was because that girl was there. She’s way prettier, and here I am…no makeup, wearing glasses. I wish I wasn’t so introverted sometimes because I end up magnifying my flaws a hundred times more. NEVER doing that again. Words cannot express how embarrassed I feel right now. I know it’s not that big of a deal, but seriously.

i think i’m going to talk to him this weekend.

If I could talk to him right this minute, this is what I would say…

I don’t know what your intentions are or what you want out of this, but I can’t keep pretending like there’s nothing there. It’s obvious that we both have feelings for each other, so why are we trying to go around it? I don’t understand. I want to know how you honestly feel about all of this because I feel like I need a definite answer. I’m not trying to create this huge issue or add stress to your life, but I need to know where we stand.

When we had that talk about just staying friends for the time being, how long was that intended for? I don’t want to be just a friend to you. Don’t you get it? I’ve dropped all the obvious hints and so have you, yet no one has stepped up and admitted that we want this relationship. So who’s it going to be? Do I need to say something? Do I need to initiate this? Just tell me what you want. If you don’t have those feelings for me anymore, then just tell me the honest truth because it’ll save me a lot of pain in the end.

I hate it when you say, “Don’t be afraid to tell me anything,” because every time I put myself out there for you, I feel like it’s not reciprocated. I’ve never received so many mixed signals from a guy before and I don’t know how much longer I can “play this game” with you. There have been many accounts where I’ve wanted to hold your hand, or tell you how I truly feel…but I don’t want to do that if you don’t feel the same or as strongly as I do about you. No one does. That always seems to happen with me anyway. I always seem to be the one who wants the relationship more and I hate that.

Sometimes I get the feeling you want to be more than friends. Whenever you hug me, it’s not just a hug. It’s an embrace. It’s that feeling you don’t want to let go. The way I catch you staring at me from the corner of my eye. The way you laugh at my jokes, even when they aren’t funny. The way you joke with me, whether it’s because you want to touch me or you want me to laugh.

Every time I begin to have these thoughts, I think to myself that perhaps I can find someone better, someone who won’t do this to me. But I can’t. You’re the only person I can see myself with at now. We’ve been friends for about a year and a half now and yet, you have become one of the most important people in my life. How did I let one person have this much control over my thoughts and feelings. It’s quite scary honestly, and it makes me wonder about how dependent I’ll become on the guy if I get into a relationship.

I just wish you’d tell me what you’re thinking. I wish you’d be black and white with me…either you want this relationship to work or you don’t. Which will it be?

-beautifuldarkmystery

“Forget the risk, take the fall. If it’s what you want, it’s worth it all.”

in his arms, i feel safe.

So the film was a success. I was happy to get to spend time with him, let alone play supposed “love interests”. Gosh, this is just so hard. I want to be able to tell him how I feel, but there’s something holding me back. I can’t pretend like there’s nothing wrong…maybe I just need to talk to him. Today when we were filming, we did this take where we had to look in each other’s eyes. And I felt it…that connection, that desire to be with him. I don’t know what to do. Lately, whenever we see each other or say goodbye to each other, we embrace in these long hugs, especially lately. They’re perfect. He’s taller than me so when we hug, I turn my head to the side and rest against his chest and honestly, I love that feeling. I never want to let go. I feel secure in his arms. His hugs are the best.

I know we agreed to be friends for now, but that’s only making things more difficult. It’s apparent that we both want the relationship (or at least that’s what I’m getting from him), but neither of us is doing anything about it. I really wish I could tap into his mind and read his thoughts…see what he really thinks about me. But I know, that’s also a little creepy.

I really want to hang out with him outside of school…just the two of us. It can be casual. But I just want to see what happens. I just don’t know when to ask him because I know he works for most of the week. But then again, if he feels the way he claims to feel, then he would hang out with me right? I don’t know…all I want is just one day with him…is that so much to ask for?

-beautifuldarkmystery

 

nerves.

So tomorrow we’re shooting our short movie. Yeah, I am so nervous, but so excited. I hope this isn’t too awkward…I’m afraid that because we like each other and we know we like each other, awkwardness is going to be pretty much inevitable. Oh well, I still get to spend time with him, so I’m not complaining.

For those of you who didn’t read my other post, our short film is basically about this girl who’s rushing to her car and on her way, she drops her keys. A guy sees them and follows the girl to the garage (in a non creepy way of course) and when they meet, it’s “love at first sight.” ❤ He’s playing the male lead and I’m playing the female lead. The thing is…I never volunteered. They all volunteered me and then he volunteered himself. Coincidence? I don’t think so…

-beautifuldarkmystery

this WOULD happen to me.

So….today’s been an interesting day so far. For one of my film classes, we have to create a one-minute movie using only a smart phone. Our professor wants to see how well we fair with limitations. So the entire movie has to be shot on a smart phone (including audio) and it can’t be any longer than 60 seconds.

I met up with my group this morning for some pre-production work. There are four of us, including me, and we were all in the same TV production class about a year ago so we all know each other pretty well. HE (*cough cough*) is also in that group, which means we’ll be working together.

We had a rough start, trying to come up with ideas and whatnot. We tried clustering ideas and that didn’t really work, and then my friend came up with an idea and we just went with that. Basically it’s going to kind of be a love story. All three of them volunteered me to be the talent and I basically had no say. So now I’m the actress. As for the actor, yeah, I bet you can tell where this is going. 😉 Anyways, so here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to rush to my car (to the parking garage) and on my way up the stairs, I drop my car keys. When I get to my car, I realize I’ve lost my keys and I begin to panic. My friend, “Tom,” is going to be the actor. He’s going to find my keys and pick them up. He eventually finds me in the parking garage and gives my keys back to me and it’s going to be “love at first sight.” He sort of volunteered to play the lead actor 1) probably so he can play my love interest and 2) we have these matching keychains (I bought them when I went to Disneyland one time and gave him the other half for his birthday present last year). This will help the whole “fate” factor.

All I have to say is that this should be interesting. We’re going to play love interests in this 60-second movie, which will eventually be shown to the rest of the class. I am actually kind of excited, but definitely nervous. I don’t want to watch myself on screen in front of everyone, but I want to see if we have any on-screen chemistry. Okay, now I’m starting to get cheesy. I can’t wait to see how this turns out. We’re filming on Wednesday. Here goes nothing…

-beautifuldarkmystery

wine is bad for you.

So here’s an interesting story that involves me and my mother. So when I was little, I was always taught in school that drugs and alcohol are bad. When I found out that wine had alcohol in it and that my mom was drinking it, I was furious! I used to get so mad at her whenever she drank wine that I would lock myself in my room out of anger.

Bless my mom…one day at a family gathering that was held at my house, my mom was drinking a glass of wine. I stormed out of the kitchen and locked myself in my room, as usual. When my mom came and found me she asked me why I was so upset and I told her it was because she was drinking wine and I didn’t like that. She then said, “Well Gramps (my grandpa) drinks wine, but you don’t get mad at him.” I replied with, “Because he’s not my mom.” Seeing the tears, the pain, and the hurt in my eyes, my mom took me by the hand and led me to the kitchen. She showed me the glass of wine and proceeded to pour it down the drain. She made sure I saw this happening so that I would know she wouldn’t be drinking wine for the rest of the night. As a matter of fact, I think that was the last time she ever drank wine until I grew out of that phase and realized that wine isn’t necessarily bad for you.

Looking back on it now, I feel like a complete loser, but as a child, all of that completely makes sense. I thought my mom was harming herself by consuming what I thought was this toxic beverage. But on that day, my mom made a sacrifice for me. Because I was that important to her, she never drank wine after that night. She didn’t have to do that, but because she loves me and she wanted to see me happy, she did what was best for her kid.

Today, my mom and I still look back on that and laugh. It’s just interesting to tap into the mind of a child and to try and remember what I was thinking at the time and all of that. My mom truly is the best for what she did for me.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Can you think of an instance where your mom/dad made a sacrifice for you as a child? How did it make you feel?