the end is near.

In a week from today, I will be graduating college. It’s so weird to think about and I don’t think I’ve fathomed it yet. I can’t believe how quickly these last four years went. If I thought high school was fast, college’s got nothing on that. As I’m preparing to end my undergraduate journey, I’m left with mixed feelings.

To be completely honest, I still don’t know if film is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. My mom and dad don’t know and my sister doesn’t know. I haven’t really talked to anyone about it because I’m still trying to figure all of it out. I’m torn because on one hand, I try to convince myself that this is my passion because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be putting in the long hours on set and helping out on as many projects as I can. At the same time, as I’m surrounded by people who know what they want to do and are driven and motivated, I feel as though I’m left on the sidelines. I’ve had an awesome time in college, but I don’t know that I ever found my niche, what it is that I really want to do with my degree.

I will be going to get my Masters and even though it “looks better” to have the higher degree, I don’t really want to go. I haven’t told this to my parents either because they’re the ones who “made the decision for me.” I don’t want to disappoint them. I guess I better start being more proactive and really focus on trying to see what I like to do.

And that’s the other thing…I feel like if I have to TRY and search for some aspect of film that interests me, then I feel like this is what I shouldn’t be doing. To me, having a passion doesn’t require the effort of “searching,” it’s there, you just have to mold and craft it. But perhaps I AM getting ahead of myself. Maybe I haven’t “found” my passion yet and the best is yet to come.

I’m sure there are a bunch of other people who know how I’m feeling right now and can relate. So what can I conclude from this post? I have very mixed feelings about graduation. I’m happy because the last four years of hard work are finally paying off. However, at the same time I’m sad…not only because I’m leaving behind some incredibly talented and amazing people, but also because it means I will no longer have school to simply occupy time. I need to figure my life out and I need to find what motivates and inspires me.

I know that I don’t need to have all the answers at this very moment, but some guidance wouldn’t hurt. I’ve always felt a little lost throughout my four years of college, but every time I begin to think like that, again, I always remind myself that if I didn’t love it, I wouldn’t be putting in the long hours being on set. It’s a scary place to be in, but I think that this is pretty normal. I think if I WEREN’T questioning myself, I’d be in a lot of trouble.

– beautifuldarkmystery

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