oh my gosh, you guys.

So yesterday was one of the craziest days of my semester so far. I went to school, even though I didn’t have classes because of my friends, we’ll call him “Sean,” needed my help editing a video. So we worked on that and then went to have lunch. “Tom” joined us and it was weird because he was really quiet, like quieter than usual and every time I tried talking to him, he didn’t seem to want to talk to me.

Anyways, Tom had to leave for class and so it was just me and Sean. We were sitting outside having really deep conversations. I’ve opened up to him so much since we met. He’s just one of those people I automatically felt comfortable enough to let my guard down and tell him about my life. He’s a really sensitive and understanding person and we’re a lot alike in many ways, including our perceptions of relationships and life in general. So we were having a good conversation until his phone rang. It was his girlfriend, but I didn’t know that until he hung up. He finished the call and then looks at me. When he gets nervous, he starts smiling a lot so I knew something was wrong. I asked him what’s up and he basically said his girlfriend is super jealous that he and I have been hanging out a lot lately, just the two of us. I didn’t like where this was going. I am NOT the type of girl who would do that to another girl. If someone is in a relationship, that’s an automatic no for me. I honestly thought we were just friends hanging out, but apparently, he thought differently.

Their relationship is complicated. They’ve been dating for a long time now and both have issues that they’re trying to work out. Before we started working on our film, he was considering ending the relationship because he wasn’t happy anymore. Last week, he and I hung out, just the two of us. This is where it gets messy. So apparently he told her he was going to hang out with some of his guy friends, but really, he went to hang out with me. I uploaded the pictures to Facebook and she saw him and confronted him about it. They got into a huge argument and it completely blew up. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I couldn’t believe he lied to her like that and now I was in the middle of it. Now I’ve got this girl who hates my guts and she doesn’t even know me. My intentions were never to take him away from her. I would NEVER do that to ANYONE! I wanted to cry.

Eventually, the conversation reached a peak when she asked him if he liked me. He said yes. My jaw dropped as he was explaining all of this to me. Now, I’m sort of in a sticky situation. I’ve got this guy who likes me, but he’s in a relationship. He’s considering leaving her for me. There are a couple things wrong with that. A) I don’t want to be another reason for ending their relationship and B) I don’t want to be the rebound. C) I am interested in someone else. I don’t see him the same way he sees me.

But wait, it gets better. He told me that she wants to meet me and of course, I’m open to it. I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot and I don’t her to think of me like that. But before I could get in another word, she shows up right in front of us. Now I’m in an even more awkward situation because now it’s the three of us, sitting there. Right off the bat, she was acting super nice because I don’t know if she knows that I know about what Mark told me about their relationship. Anyways, so I could tell she wasn’t being completely sincere because I KNOW that she hates my guts right now. But I tried to be as genuine as possible. I couldn’t ignore the fact that I felt super uncomfortable. She made it known they were in a relationship, smiling at him, calling him pet names, and touching him every once in a while. I knew what she was doing, but I very well know he’s in a relationship and like I’ve said, I WOULD NEVER DO THAT! Nothing happened between us. If a friend wants to hang out, I’m going to hang out with him/her.

I get home later that night and end up talking to Tom on the phone about what had went down. He wanted to make sure I was okay. But yeah, my life just took a turn and I’m still trying to process everything…especially after the phone call I got this morning from Sean.

He basically said he can’t stop thinking about me and that he’s thought about getting me flowers and even meeting my parents. Talk about feeling overwhelmed! Is there an emotion that’s a level further than that…because that’s how I felt. To make things even better, he said he really is considering breaking up with her to go out with me. He said that when he’s around me he feels happy and he hasn’t felt that happy in a long time. The more I heard this, the more I wanted to cringe. He is a nice person and I was trying to let him down easy, but I don’t think he was getting the hint. I hate rejecting people, but I can’t help who I have feelings for. I guess in a sense, he knows what I’m going through. He likes someone who doesn’t like him back in that way…just like I like this guy who doesn’t see me as more than a friend. It sucks. And I feel even worse about this whole thing because the whole time we’ve been getting to know each other has consisted of me expressing my feelings about Tom to him and basically venting about how I am basically in love with this guy who doesn’t see me that way. I don’t know what I’m going to do. He said he’s going to call me back later tonight, but I just feel bad that all of this happened. I never intended for any of it to go down like this and I wish I could hit the rewind button. I think I feel extremely overwhelmed because I’ve never been in a situation like this. It may seem trivial to you guys, but to me, my mind’s all over the place.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Have any of you been in a situation like this? What did you do? Any advice???

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i complicate things.

So I think it’s safe to say that regardless of whether we end up in a relationship or not, I’m going to get hurt, just because I’ve been emotionally invested in this non-existent relationship for nearly two years. He wants to come over next weekend…I’ve loved all the time we’ve spent together this summer. He’s really made an effort.

However, it also scares me how jealous I get sometimes. I don’t want to be, but I don’t know why I’m so insecure. Maybe it’s because there is a part of me that feels I’m being led on in a sense. I think it’s that part in me that wants to secure this relationship and make it official. I just don’t know what’s holding him back. I have an idea and it’s pretty much the universal reason why guys and girls don’t want to get into a relationship…they don’t want to ruin the friendship that they have. However, I feel like if there’s chemistry there and a deep connection, sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and go for it. For all I know, it could turn out into something great, now that we’re more comfortable around each other. I realize the consequences that comes with dating him, but at this point, I’m willing to take that risk.

I need to talk to him and I need to do it soon. The long nights I spend thinking about what we could be are driving me absolutely insane. I don’t know why I choose to make life so complicated for myself when it doesn’t need to be. But I do fear that bringing this up will bring back that awkwardness and tension that took nearly two years to get over. I don’t even know what I’m doing…

– beautifuldarkmystery

dreading this conversation.

So I visited one of my good friends because he’s kind of going through some stuff and I wanted to be a good friend because he’s always been there for me. Anyways, I told him about my current situation and he said the only way I’ll get the answer I’m looking for is by talking to him (the guy I like). Shocker. It seems to make more sense when someone else says it. But I thought his advice was interesting. He said that by talking to him, I’ll get the answers I’m looking for, though they may not necessarily be the answers I want. He said I need to be blunt and just tell him how I feel. Easier said than done for me.

I don’t want to have this conversation because I don’t want to make things awkward between us. Yet, at the same time, I want to define whatever this is. I know he’s a nice guy, but there are just some instances where it seems like he’s treating me as more than just a friend. I mean, perhaps he’s waiting for me to make the first move since he was the one who did so last time. This meteor is headed to earth and there’s not much time left until it crashes.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i’m afraid.

I’m afraid that I’m digging myself a hole that I won’t be able to get out of. This summer has been amazing, mostly because “Tom” and I have grown super close. He says it’s all thanks to me because I picked up on some of his hobbies/interests, but honestly, he’s made more of an effort as well. This was the first summer in the two years we’ve known each other, that we’ve talked (texted) almost every night and actually hung out and saw each other over the 3-month break. The best part is that I FINALLY feel like I can be myself around him. For me (as well as a whole bunch of other people), when I like a guy, I am SUPER aware and conscious of how I behave. Being an introvert, I tend to think people are analyzing me more than they probably are so that results in me being super awkward and quiet. However, this summer was different. I wasn’t afraid of embarrassing myself or having my moments. He made fun of me of course, but it was all in good fun.

However, as we grew closer this summer, the more we acted like we were in a relationship. The time we spent together at the beach during the film, had me questioning if he still has feelings for me. I’ll never forget the one day we were just hanging around while everyone else was filming and he pulled me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around my waist. Do friends do that to each other? I don’t think so, but maybe they do.

The day he came over, a couple of days before school started, it was just the two of us at my house. We watched a movie and ate pizza, but then we started the tickling/wrestling matches. If this was us two years ago, we weren’t anywhere near that stage in our relationship. But there were times I caught myself staring at him and times I caught him staring at me. The way he pulled me off the couch so that I landed on top of him. The way he wrapped his arms around me so that my legs were draped over him and my head against his chest. The way he rested his head on my chest as we lay on the couch together. I don’t know…to me, these are things that friends don’t just do with each other, at least me and my friends.

The thing that worries me is that I’ve become so emotionally invested in this guy that at times I just want to straight up ask him what are we doing. I want answers. I want to know how he feels about me. At the same time, I don’t want to ruin the risk of having things go back the way they were, when we felt uncomfortable around each other. It’s like I think he wants the relationship, but he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship that we have and unfortunately, he can’t have both. But for me personally, I can’t separate my feelings from the friendship. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it makes sense to me. Like, I don’t know that I’d be able to be “just friends” with him. In my mind, it’s as if we’re already in a relationship, it’s just not “official.” I can tell you right now that if I were to see him being all cuddly with another girl on campus, it would break my heart. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared. I want to have this discussion with him, but I’m afraid that because of what happened before (the last time he told me how he felt, we eventually wound up in a fight which resulted in not speaking to each other for a month). This sucks.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Has anyone else been in a situation like this before? What did you do? 

if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.

I just texted him from about 9PM-4AM. Now I can’t sleep because I can’t stop smiling. We had an awesome conversation filled with sarcasm, a tad bit of flirt-i-ness, and a lot of love. He’s driving all the way out here to see me on Monday, which basically made my day…or night? I cannot wait to see him. I miss him so much and I want to give him the biggest hug ever. Just when I think things couldn’t get any better, they do. The best part of the night was when he texted me, “Good night beautiful.” The last time I saw those words, it was a few months ago when he liked me. I don’t want to get ahead of myself here, but I think those feelings may be resurfacing and I’m not going to say anything. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.

-beautifuldarkmystery

one of the best summers ever.

My summer is coming to an end and I must say this has been one of THE best ones yet. I got to see a lot of my friends, make movies with them, and just hang out and have some fun in the sun…not to mention, I got a really nice tan. But I must say out of everything that’s happened, one of my favorites is the fact that he and I have grown a lot closer. He pointed out the other day that we texted each other nearly every single day this summer. I can’t count the number of times we’ve seen each other. Overall, I finally feel like I can be myself around him and feel comfortable enough to make an idiot of myself and not feel embarrassed. For the longest time, I didn’t think we’d ever get to that place, but all I had to do was stop thinking about it and just let it happen.

We were texting each other again last night and he said he was at a friend’s house hanging out. He invited me over, but I said I didn’t want to impose, because I don’t know any of those people, and I didn’t want to be rude. If it was a mutual friend, it would have been a little different. Anyway, he kept saying how he wishes I lived closer to him and how much he wanted me there…he even said he missed me.

The other night, I was out with a couple of mutual friends (we took a spontaneous trip to the city), and I was texting him and he straight up told me that he was a little jealous that they got to hang out with me. He continued to say how he wished he was there with me, that he could watch out for me, that he wanted to make sure I got home safely. All these things are very nice and friendly, but a part of me thinks that there’s a little more behind it. I don’t know though, and I don’t want to begin to over-analyze this. We all know what happens when I do that…

It’s still hard to read the signs. I feel as though a part of him still has feelings for me, but then I also feel another part of him pull back every once in a while. But perhaps I just need to not think so much about it and let it happen if that’s where this is going. I mean, it seemed to work pretty well for our friendship. I’m just worried that the more I invest myself, the more I’m going to get hurt…and if I thought it hurt the first time, I know it’s going to be even worse this time around.

The reality is that I may not be around here in a year. My parents bought a house somewhere else and they eventually want to move there. So it’s difficult to tell what will happen. He said not to remind him though and that he’ll deal with it when the time comes. But basically we sort of made a pact, that we’re going to make this the best year ever, whatever that may be.

I want to hang out with him on Monday because he doesn’t have work and I want to see him one last time before school starts, but I don’t know if it’ll happen or not. I better start lowering my expectations and not build up so much hope.

-beautifuldarkmystery

today was perfect.

A group of us hung out at the beach today. He was there and I was so happy to see him. I feel like the more I see him, the more I find myself falling harder. One of my friends became suspicious and asked me if we’re going out. I said no and he looked shocked. I guess he could tell by the way we were interacting with each other that there was something going on.

Basically he kept trying to find ways to hug me. If he made a jab at me or said some snappy remark, he quickly returned it with a laugh and a hug. He gave me back rubs/massages while we were sitting down. He wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head on his chest. We tried tickling each other, but he kept grabbing my hands so I couldn’t get him. He basically shoved me in the ocean, but in a playful way. It was absolutely perfect.  At one point, we weren’t really doing anything so we walked back to where all our stuff was so that we could “watch it” and make sure no one stole anything. It was just the two of us and we talked and joked around. I kept giving him crap for sticking me in the ocean. Then all of a sudden he pulls me onto his lap and puts his arms around my waist and I wrap one of my arms around his neck. We looked into each other’s eyes and smiled. I sat there for a minute and just held on to him as he rested his head on my chest. We couldn’t get any closer than we were. It felt right. I don’t know how else to describe it. How is it that we can be so affectionate with each other but we’re nothing more than just friends? I don’t understand. Makes me wonder if he still does have feelings for me. The last thing I want to find out is that I’m being played. I know that people who are “just friends” don’t treat each other like that. I’d like to think he doesn’t treat all his friends who are girls like this. I’d like to think I’m just a little more special than the others. But I’ll never know…

I wish we could spend one day at the beach together. Just the two of us, alone with no one around, because that moment when I was sitting on his lap and both had our arms around each other looking out into the ocean, it was like we were the only people there. I wish that could have lasted forever.

-beautifuldarkmystery