it is what it is.

At this point, I’m ready to accept the fact that it is what it is. It took me long enough to realize that this will never work. I don’t know what I was thinking, but hey, life’s about making mistakes and learning from them, right? I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately, but not in the way I’m used to thinking about him. I’ve been thinking about him from an outside perspective…I mean really taking a step back and analyzing our relationship.

I don’t know if I talked about this already or not, but I’ll briefly describe what’s been going on. So I hung out with him about a week ago and it was as if I saw a different side to him. He’s never been the one to be expressive with his feelings, let alone to me. Basically our friendship has been on the rocks for the last two years, ever since we confessed our feelings for each other. But this semester especially, I’ve been trying to distance myself from him because A) I felt like it’s what was best for me in order to move on, and B) he wasn’t exactly treating me the way I wanted to be treated.

I don’t know why he became mean to me all of a sudden. It was as if I wasn’t even a human being to him. I’ll admit, I can be a tad over sensitive at times, but in comparison to how the rest of our friendship has gone, this was like on a different level. Anyway, it’s sad because he spent this whole semester treating me like that, which resulted in me pushing myself away from him even more. And now that I’ve graduated college and about to move out of town, that’s when he decides to be nice to me. So essentially, while he could have spent what time he had left with me being nice and growing closer as friends, we were distanced…and now it’s “too late.” But I’ve learned to expect this type of behavior from him because that’s who he is. I don’t know if this is how all guys act and I’m not trying to generalize, but with the ones I’ve gotten super close to, this seems to always happen.

Yes, now, more than ever, will be a testament of our friendship. At this point, I’m having very mixed feelings about him. I know he wants to stay friends and he sees us living together in the future and working together, but I’m not entirely sure that that’s what I want. It’ll be interesting to see what happens, but I don’t think I’ve ever been in a situation like this before. I mean it’s pretty trivial from an outsider’s pov, but I don’t know. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

But it’s like I said in my last post, he has a piece of my heart that I’ll never get back. How can I live with someone I still have feelings for? It’s not fair to either of us. For the most part, yes, I have moved on, but as long as he’s still a presence in my life, I can’t move forward. I don’t know what his intentions are…all I know is that actions speak louder than words…and his actions have said enough.

– beautifuldarkmystery

i miss him.

I guess this is all part of the vicious cycle of trying to get over someone. I woke up this morning and started having all these flashbacks of him…all good ones. It doesn’t help when you’re trying to move on, but your mind keeps wandering back to those familiar places. I’ve been so tempted to text him lately, but I know that’s not what’s best for me at the moment. I’m trying to limit my contact with him.

It’s unfortunate that this is how things have to be, but I mean, it was inevitable. How distant he was on my birthday was somewhat of a reality check. THIS is our reality now. It’s so frustrating when you think someone wants the relationship, but in the end, he backs out because he’s “too afraid of ruining the friendship.” Is that really the case though?

I’ve had plenty of input on this situation, some from my guy friends (you wouldn’t believe how much that helps sometimes). At the end of the day, I am only in control of my own feelings. I don’t know what he’s really thinking or what he really wants. And as much as I miss him, I can’t go running back to him the minute I feel this way. I need to have more power and control. I want HIM to feel like he’s the one who’s going to regret this. Not the other way around.

– beautifuldarkmystery

you don’t see me that way.

I wish you’d care about me as much as I care about you, but you don’t see me that way. 
I wish you’d show interest in some of the things I love, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d look at me and smile like I look at you and smile, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d look into my eyes and tell me how you really feel, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d wrap your arms around me and tell me how much you love me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d come over to my house and cuddle with me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d watch Disney movies and romantic comedies with me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d hug me so tight you’d never want to let go, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d drive to my house late at night so we can watch the stars together, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d kiss me gently and smile as you pull away, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d put your jacket around me when it’s cold outside, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d take my hand and place it in yours, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d burn a cd of all the songs that remind you of me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d wipe my tears away when I’m sad, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d take goofy “couple” pictures with me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d say the words “I love you,” but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d play with my hair or move it away from my face as you look into my eyes, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d let me fall asleep to the sound of your heartbeat, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d take me somewhere we could be alone, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d pull me close and kiss me on the forehead, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d let me wear your favorite sweatshirt, but you don’t see me that way. 
I wish you’d tell everyone how lucky you are to have a girl like me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d call me beautiful and mean it, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d tell me you’d been in love with me this whole time, but you don’t see me that way.

-beautifuldarkmystery

There are a million more things I’d wish for, but there’s no point in continuing because you’ll never be mine. Though my heart aches, I need to accept that this is my reality. You can’t be all those things, you can’t do all those things because it’s not you. But despite the fact I KNOW I deserve better than you, my heart will never let go. Something always pulls me back to you. Just when I think it’s over between us, you say or do something that makes me think otherwise. I wish you could just be honest with me. You either like me or you don’t, which one will it be? I’ve been nothing but honest with you about my feelings. I just wish you’d do the same. But I get it, you don’t wear your heart on your sleeve like I do. But it kills me thinking of what we could be…

anything could happen.

We are going to be spending a lot of time together these next couple of weeks. I wonder what’s going on in his mind right now. I wonder if there’s a reason why he rearranged his schedule so that he can make it on Monday. I’m not going to get my hopes up. But I’d be lying if I said this doesn’t make me happy. Well, anything could happen. I just hope everyone else doesn’t suspect anything. This is the most complicated relationship I’ve had with anyone and the thing is…it doesn’t have to be this difficult. We’re MAKING it that way. -.-

-beautifuldarkmystery

I may not act like I have feelings for you anymore, but I hope you know that deep down inside, they will never truly go away. I’ll always love and care about you as more than a friend, even if you don’t feel the same way about me. I wish I could just be upfront with you and say these words to your face. But what’s the point? I know you don’t see me that way anymore. In my perfect world, we’d be together by now. I can’t help but feel like I messed this up. You made an effort to try and treat me as more than a friend, but I freaked out. My insecurities got the best of me…and I’m sorry. I wish things would have worked out differently. We’re put in a weird situation because I can’t see myself in a relationship with anyone else right now, but at the same time, I know that this is what’s best for us…after we admitted out feelings for each other, it was as if, all of a sudden, there was this pressure to try and impress each other, to the point where we were just awkward. I know a relationship shouldn’t be forced, and I know that if it’s meant to be, it will happen. I just don’t want to get hurt twice by the same person. I know if you’re capable of breaking my heart once, when you weren’t even mine to begin with, I know you’re capable of doing it again. And I think that’s what scares me the most.

trying too hard or just trying?

So today, I had class with him but I noticed he sat in the back of the classroom, which I thought was odd. I mean, we’re on speaking terms again, I figured he would have sit with me and the rest of our friends, but I didn’t pay any attention to it. He came in late, so I figured he didn’t want to disrupt the class, which is understandable.

Later on in the afternoon, he texts me apologizing for not talking to me today and that he didn’t want me to think that he didn’t want to sit with me. This made me feel a little weird, only because I don’t want to feel like I’m controlling his life. Like, now he’s going to apologize for the littlest of things because he thinks that one thing is going to set me off? At the same time, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt because I think he truly knows he screwed up and because we’re on eggshells right now, he’s trying to be extra careful because he doesn’t want to upset me again, I get it. But at the same time, I don’t like when people put me in that position, where they feel like they need to get “permission” from me. I don’t know how else to explain it, but it’s a weird feeling. But I’m going to work with it and hope that’s he really trying and not just saying the things I want to hear. Only time will tell.

He still doesn’t seem to grasp the fact that just because he says “I’m sorry” it doesn’t mean it automatically solves everything. A person can say it over and over again, but it has no meaning unless he/she can SHOW it. That being said, every time he apologizes for these insignificant things, I don’t really know what to say or how to react, because in my mind, he still has to SHOW me that our friendship is important to him. I don’t know. Maybe I’m being too hard on him? I have my reasons though. In my own defense, I don’t have time to sit here and have the same mistakes happen over and over again with the same person. If he’s going to be in this friendship, then some things are going to have to change. He’s either going to help me fix this, or I’m going to walk away. I honestly want to believe he’s trying, but we’ve got a long way to go.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i miss him, but i’m still upset.

So I’ve decided that I’m going to talk to him after spring break, which, for me is in a couple of weeks. I don’t want to be mad at him anymore, but I want to give this enough time so that he knows this is not okay. It is NOT okay to play with someone’s feelings. I don’t know what his intentions were of telling me how he felt if he was going to move on so easily. But I miss him so much, yes, even though this whole situation sucks and I’m still hurting…I miss talking to him, I miss his hugs, I miss sitting next to him in class, I miss texting each other…I miss it all.

What is wrong with me? Is this even normal? I also feel bad because I’ve been taking my anger out on my mom. I know she cares and she just wants to help. Sometimes, all I need is to be alone and she refuses to let me sulk because she knows my thought process. Every time something bad happens, I do down “that path”. I can reassure her and everyone else that I WILL be okay. I realize this isn’t the end of the world, but I am so confused and I refuse to stop thinking about it…as much as I try.

I deactivated my Facebook account last weekend and I’m scared to reactivate it because I don’t want to see my worst fear become a reality. I don’t want to know anything about this girl. I don’t want to know any of it. But see, the thing with that is…how are we supposed to be friends if he can’t tell me about this stuff? It sure sucks when feelings are involved. Has anyone else been in a frustrating situation like this? Please, share your thoughts and experiences.

-beautifuldarkmystery