it’s difficult, but i’m trying.

No one said moving on was going to be easy, it never is. I was looking forward to having spring break because I knew it meant not seeing hin around campus. However, since I started break, that’s the only thing that’s been on my mind. It sucks because I’m pretty sure he’s not thinking about me. I’m the one who called off the friendship, and yet I’m the one who wants him back.

Every time I get those thoughts, I tell myself that I don’t need people like that in my life. If he honestly cared about me like he claimed he did, he would have showed that. I’ve said it over and over again…his actions did not match his words. In addition, I actually have felt better cutting ties with him because after I did, I realized how much tension there really was between the two of us. It literally felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I think that says a lot.

I feel like once I go through something like this, I take some time for myself and I “switch it up.” I scheduled a hair appointment for Thursday and I’m going to cut my hair and get it styled (it’s about time…it’s been like three years), I went shopping today and bought a bunch of new clothes for spring. When it comes time to go back to school, I’m going to be ready. Fresh look, fresh start. I don’t know if anyone else does that, but it usually helps me.

One of my good friends is home for break and I’m going to try and get together with her. She’s probably the only one right now, besides my family, who’s close enough to me that I can tell her these things without feeling like a burden. We are so alike in terms of our personalities, it’s unbelievable. We can understand each other in a way no one else can and she’s a good listener. I’ll see what she has to say about this.

I also hope to get together with one of my friends from college so we can go take a day trip somewhere and take some photographs. It’ll just be nice to have any sort of distraction…something to keep me happy and make me forget about all of this for a while. I don’t want my whole break consumed in these negative thoughts because really, I should be doing the opposite. I should be happy and thankful for the real friends I have in my life and to have a family who cares. And I am, but I’m not going to completely ignore the fact that this sucks. I could be worse though…I could be in the state I was in that night he texted me and asked me where we stood in terms of having a future relationship. I didn’t sleep well, barely ate (which resulted in a dramatic weight loss), overworked myself, and cried (a lot). But right now, I am okay…there’s none of that. The only thing that’s bothering me is that as much as I try to tell myself not to think about this, the more I do. 😛 I know it will get better though, it always does.


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