He’s going to be here in a few minutes. I am so nervous. Someone help…dhjskahfkjdagsfldasfd
So today, even though I’m still thinking about it, I was actually…happy, I was in a good mood. Maybe it’s psychological, but I think the weather had something to do with it. The sun was out, it was warm, and it’s practically impossible to be in a bad mood on a day like that. But today was the happiest I’ve been in these last two weeks. Maybe this is good though. Maybe this means I’m slowly starting to get over this bitterness I have about this whole thing. I don’t know though. I may wake up tomorrow morning and feel like crap again. But this is super weird. I don’t understand how I can go from one emotion to the other end of the spectrum in a day. Is this even normal? I have no idea what’s happening and honestly, I’m not going to complain. It’s not like me to get over something quickly, but if I can be in a good mood about it and not let it affect me, then hey, I’ll take it.
Maybe it’s because I’ve been “practicing” what I’m going to say to him when we finally talk. I’ve been saying all of it out loud too, as if he’s actually with me and I’m having the conversation with him. Who knows…I’m going to try and keep this positive momentum going into next week. I don’t want to fall back into this yucky mood. All it takes is for me to see him and then I’m back at the beginning. That’s one of the most frustrating things…you feel like you’re making progress and then you end up back at the beginning again. That’s how I feel right now. During the week, I get into this terrible mood because I have to see him twice a week in class and deal with the fact we’re not speaking to each other and we’re not really a part of each other’s lives at the moment. Then the weekend rolls around and that means three days (I don’t have classes on Fridays) of not seeing him at all, so my mood lightens. Then Monday comes around and I have to see him in class and the cycle starts all over again. Well, it’s time to beak the cycle! I need to regain my footing and not allow one person to have THIS MUCH control over me. I mean, come on! A little ridiculous, yeah?
I’ve been writing in my journal too. I think that’s also helped. Man, it sure is great to have all these outlets for me to express myself. Otherwise I think I would lose my sanity. And thanks to those of you who’ve been helping me with this situation. You’ve given me some great advice that I’ve taken to heart and it definitely gives me something to think about.
I’m going to make this week a great week. I’m not going to allow one person to ruin it for me. I’m better and stronger than that. I’m going to keep my head up, smile, and breathe in a new sense of confidence. Now if I can keep telling myself that, I’ll be back on track again.
So I was walking to the library when I saw him walking away. I thought it would be a clever idea to see if I could catch up to him, but as I was walking, I was so concentrated in looking for him that I didn’t even notice he was now walking towards me. He waved and that’s what caught my attention. He was walking with a girl, I’m pretty sure I’ve met her before, but I don’t remember. Then, because I suck at lying, I basically said that I saw him and that I was trying to see if I could catch up with him and surprise him, but I think I ended up making myself look like an idiot in front of both of them. Then I walked as quickly as I could to the library, which was in the same direction they were walking, which made me look like more of an idiot. FML. Seriously…I definitely need to stop trying to hard sometimes. I am so embarrassed right now. I know things could be worse, but still…I think it was because that girl was there. She’s way prettier, and here I am…no makeup, wearing glasses. I wish I wasn’t so introverted sometimes because I end up magnifying my flaws a hundred times more. NEVER doing that again. Words cannot express how embarrassed I feel right now. I know it’s not that big of a deal, but seriously.
If I could talk to him right this minute, this is what I would say…
I don’t know what your intentions are or what you want out of this, but I can’t keep pretending like there’s nothing there. It’s obvious that we both have feelings for each other, so why are we trying to go around it? I don’t understand. I want to know how you honestly feel about all of this because I feel like I need a definite answer. I’m not trying to create this huge issue or add stress to your life, but I need to know where we stand.
When we had that talk about just staying friends for the time being, how long was that intended for? I don’t want to be just a friend to you. Don’t you get it? I’ve dropped all the obvious hints and so have you, yet no one has stepped up and admitted that we want this relationship. So who’s it going to be? Do I need to say something? Do I need to initiate this? Just tell me what you want. If you don’t have those feelings for me anymore, then just tell me the honest truth because it’ll save me a lot of pain in the end.
I hate it when you say, “Don’t be afraid to tell me anything,” because every time I put myself out there for you, I feel like it’s not reciprocated. I’ve never received so many mixed signals from a guy before and I don’t know how much longer I can “play this game” with you. There have been many accounts where I’ve wanted to hold your hand, or tell you how I truly feel…but I don’t want to do that if you don’t feel the same or as strongly as I do about you. No one does. That always seems to happen with me anyway. I always seem to be the one who wants the relationship more and I hate that.
Sometimes I get the feeling you want to be more than friends. Whenever you hug me, it’s not just a hug. It’s an embrace. It’s that feeling you don’t want to let go. The way I catch you staring at me from the corner of my eye. The way you laugh at my jokes, even when they aren’t funny. The way you joke with me, whether it’s because you want to touch me or you want me to laugh.
Every time I begin to have these thoughts, I think to myself that perhaps I can find someone better, someone who won’t do this to me. But I can’t. You’re the only person I can see myself with at now. We’ve been friends for about a year and a half now and yet, you have become one of the most important people in my life. How did I let one person have this much control over my thoughts and feelings. It’s quite scary honestly, and it makes me wonder about how dependent I’ll become on the guy if I get into a relationship.
I just wish you’d tell me what you’re thinking. I wish you’d be black and white with me…either you want this relationship to work or you don’t. Which will it be?
“Forget the risk, take the fall. If it’s what you want, it’s worth it all.”
I don’t know about you guys, but when it gets late like this, I do a lot of thinking. This is going to be another post about the guy I currently like. (You are probably going to get sick of hearing about this because I’ll probably write about it a lot). Anyways, I guess I’m sort of anxious about this week because the spring semester starts and my first class is with him. I haven’t seen him all break and I’m really nervous…you know, that kind of nervous when you haven’t seen someone in a while and all you want to do is just physically see him/her. Yup, that’s how I feel.
It’s times like this…when I’m sitting in my room in silence all alone…when I just want him next to me so I can explain everything that’s on my mind. Why do I find it so difficult to do that? There’s so much I feel like I want to say to him and I want to be honest, but I don’t want to scare him away. I really am afraid that I’m starting to fall for him but I fear that he doesn’t like me as much as I like him. If he does, he has a weird way of showing it because I haven’t talked to him in a couple of weeks, so I took initiative and just sent him a very casual text saying asking him how he’s doing.
Honestly, I don’t know what’s going to happen this semester. I’m getting this weird feeling where I like him, but at the same time I feel myself slowly starting to pull away…almost losing interest. I don’t even know how to explain it because it’s so weird. Maybe it’s just me being irrational at the moment. Scratch that…I AM being irrational at the moment.
I think I just need to be up front with him like a couple of people have told me. I just want to be completely sure of my feelings before I say or do anything because I know that if I have to question myself, then something’s not right. Maybe I just need to see him again. I don’t really know.
Late nights = lots of thinking = uncertainty of what I really want. Maybe I should try and sleep instead.