the end is near.

In a week from today, I will be graduating college. It’s so weird to think about and I don’t think I’ve fathomed it yet. I can’t believe how quickly these last four years went. If I thought high school was fast, college’s got nothing on that. As I’m preparing to end my undergraduate journey, I’m left with mixed feelings.

To be completely honest, I still don’t know if film is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. My mom and dad don’t know and my sister doesn’t know. I haven’t really talked to anyone about it because I’m still trying to figure all of it out. I’m torn because on one hand, I try to convince myself that this is my passion because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be putting in the long hours on set and helping out on as many projects as I can. At the same time, as I’m surrounded by people who know what they want to do and are driven and motivated, I feel as though I’m left on the sidelines. I’ve had an awesome time in college, but I don’t know that I ever found my niche, what it is that I really want to do with my degree.

I will be going to get my Masters and even though it “looks better” to have the higher degree, I don’t really want to go. I haven’t told this to my parents either because they’re the ones who “made the decision for me.” I don’t want to disappoint them. I guess I better start being more proactive and really focus on trying to see what I like to do.

And that’s the other thing…I feel like if I have to TRY and search for some aspect of film that interests me, then I feel like this is what I shouldn’t be doing. To me, having a passion doesn’t require the effort of “searching,” it’s there, you just have to mold and craft it. But perhaps I AM getting ahead of myself. Maybe I haven’t “found” my passion yet and the best is yet to come.

I’m sure there are a bunch of other people who know how I’m feeling right now and can relate. So what can I conclude from this post? I have very mixed feelings about graduation. I’m happy because the last four years of hard work are finally paying off. However, at the same time I’m sad…not only because I’m leaving behind some incredibly talented and amazing people, but also because it means I will no longer have school to simply occupy time. I need to figure my life out and I need to find what motivates and inspires me.

I know that I don’t need to have all the answers at this very moment, but some guidance wouldn’t hurt. I’ve always felt a little lost throughout my four years of college, but every time I begin to think like that, again, I always remind myself that if I didn’t love it, I wouldn’t be putting in the long hours being on set. It’s a scary place to be in, but I think that this is pretty normal. I think if I WEREN’T questioning myself, I’d be in a lot of trouble.

– beautifuldarkmystery

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they say enjoy college while it lasts.

And it’s true…I can’t believe that in just five weeks, my years as an undergrad will be over. These last four years went by so quickly. I hate to sound cliche, but it feels like it was only yesterday that I was entering college as a freshman, scared of the unknown, worrying about having to start all over again…new place, new people, new school. While it did get off to a rough start, I eventually found my way and made some of the most amazing friendships, ones that I hope last for a very long time.

Now, as a senior…those feelings are coming back to me as I prepare to embark on the next part of my journey…I will be taking a year off from school before going back to get my Masters. Yes, it scares me…it’ll be the first year I won’t be in school and on top of that, I have to try and look for work. To add to that I’m moving away, which means starting over…again.

But what I’ve come to learn over these last couple of years is that there’s no point in worrying over things I cannot control. The future is scary yes, but I have to have faith in myself that I will land on my feet…I’ve already started building a great network here, with people who would be more than happy to give recommendations for me. Sometimes life is about going beyond your comfort zone…otherwise you’ll never know what else is out there. That above anything else has been a challenge for me, but I’m hoping with a little more practice, I’ll be well on my way. But I need to keep pushing myself in order for that to happen.

For now, I’m going to enjoy the time I have left here…spent with friends, making short films, and gaining as much knowledge and experience as I can. I regret waiting until my last two years to get involved in the department, but better late than never, right? As I’ve said, I’ve met so many incredible people and have had the privilege of learning from some of the most passionate professors. I truly consider myself to be blessed.

– abeautifuldarkmystery

a new year, a new beginning.

I know that’s what everyone says, but I feel like this is true. I’m about to go into my last semester as a undergrad…after graduation, I’m moving to a different city…I don’t know what I’ll be doing by this time next year. It’s exciting yet scary at the same time. I’ve never been open to change, but I’m finding that as I get older, I’m becoming more open-minded. If you would have asked me if I wanted to live away from home four years ago, I would have said no. I always saw myself living near my parents and never really going that far away from home. But now I’m at that point, where I’m ready for a little independence. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s time for that next step.

I also feel like this move will also help me get over him. I mean, for the most part, we barely talk anymore, which is how it should be. The other night we were texting each other but it was so painfully awkward and dead so I ended the conversation. We never used to be like this, and it’s sad that this is how things are now, but that’s life…and you have to learn how to move on.

I’ve been keeping myself busy with production work so I haven’t really had the time for a social life, but honestly, I’m not looking for anything right now. I think I’m over these guys over here. They’re either bold and completely unafraid to make a move and come on strong…or they’re quiet and I have to play the guessing game. I feel like most of the guys that have liked me are the latter. I know because I talk to mutual friends, but shhhh you didn’t hear it from me.

I’m ready for this semester. I’m sad it’s going to be my last one, but I’m going to make it the best one. I can’t believe how quickly time has gone by. It feels like it was just yesterday I was starting my freshman year, but let’s not relive that again. I’ve grown so much as a person since then…and I’ve met wonderful people in my department. I think that’s what I’ll miss the most. I’ve never been surrounded by such passionate students and teachers. I can’t explain it, but it’s infectious. I’ve learned so much from them. I don’t want this to end.

But it’s time to move on…to bigger and better things. I’ll miss everyone I’ve crossed paths with here, but now comes the big test. How many of those people will I stay connected to?

-beautifuldarkmystery