what do they mean.

So I have something I want a little advice on and maybe some of you can help. I don’t want to over-analyze it or make a huge deal over it, but here it goes.

He and I have been texting A LOT since school got out…and I can’t help but wonder if some of those old flames are being rekindled. Every now and then, I feel like he drops little hints, but I don’t want to overanalyze them and think, oh my gosh, he said this, he must like me.

We hung out today…we saw a movie…just the two of us, but it was not a date, just two friends hanging out. Anyways, so I was waiting in the lobby for him to arrive and when he did, he gave me a hug, pretty normal. Then we start talking and he randomly says, “Don’t you usually wear a lot of rings?” and he grabs my hand. Not gonna lie, I was a little thrown by this, but again, not trying to overanalyze this. I think it’s just because it was out of the blue.

When it was time to actually go into the theater, we stood up and he walked behind me and put his hands on my shoulders.Β When we actually get into the theater, we still have like 20 minutes before the movie starts, so we’re just sitting there and talking and joking around with each other…and he continues to find more ways to touch me…not in a creepy way or anything…just small stuff like poking me (at one point he stretched his arm around me).

Honestly, I don’t know if he still has feelings for me or if he’s just trying to be “friendly,” but either way, I wish he would just decide what he really wants. My feelings for him haven’t changed which honestly makes hanging out with him that much harder. Like I said, I’ve never seen someone be so wishy-washy with his feelings towards someone. I mean, I think you either like me or you don’t. There’s no in between. But maybe that’s just me.

Once the movie was over we walked back to the parking garage (he parked next to me). I thanked him for getting me out of the house because I literally had not left at all due to studying for my classes and whatnot, so it was good to have a little break. So I said goodbye and we hugged. It wasn’t just one of those quick 1-second goodbye hugs. We stood there and I felt him rest his head on top of mine and we stood there for a few seconds. At that moment, I felt as if things were back to the way they were before everything happened…before our huge fight…before I got mad/upset with him.

When I got home, I saw a text from him and he said to let him know when I got home. I know he was just trying to be a good friend, but I can’t help but consider the other factors. What does this mean? Am I overanalyzing this or is there a possibility that there may still be feelings there?

-beautifuldarkmystery

getting my friend back.

I feel like I’ve started to see this different side of him, now that we’re getting our friendship back on track. He seems more relaxed when we text and when we talk in general. I think it’s because there’s no added pressure of having to “impress” me, which is great I guess. Like I’ve said though, there will always be a small part of me that has those feelings for him because they were real. They don’t just go away.

The other night, we were texting each other and it was late at night so maybe it was because he was tired and stopped censoring/filtering his words…but I’m just going to put it out there. He called me sexy. Now, I know the general “rule” is that…if a guy likes you, he calls you “pretty” or “beautiful” or something along the lines of that. But I was completely shocked because this didn’t sound like him at all. Oddly though, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it a little. I mean, sure, it was probably meant in the “friendliest” way possible, but it threw me for a loop. Haha I guess it’s because I’ve NEVER EVER been called that in my life…nor have I ever seen myself like that. But I guess it’s kind of cool.

Anyways, point is, I’m glad he’s starting to feel comfortable around me. I’m not going to lie, I initially started getting into his hobbies and showing interest because I wanted to win him back. But now that I really look at the situation, I’m getting my best friend back and that’s all that matters to me. Some things don’t always work out the way you want them to, but I mean, if this is what it’s going to take for him to feel comfortable around me, then I must be a damn good friend. He’s even told me that I’m too good to him, but I take my friendships very seriously and if there’s anything on my end I can do to make it work, then that’s what I’ll do. So the fact that I’ve at least given this a shot and have shown genuine interest (because don’t get me wrong, I actually like some of this stuff), shows how much this friendship means to me.

It may not be reciprocated from his end, but I expected it. Not to play the self-pity card, but it is what it is…I am always the one who puts in more effort when it comes to friendships/relationships. That’s just how it’s always been. But I mean, on the plus side, he DOES make more of an effort to talk to me, so I have to give him some credit. It would just be nice if he showed a little interest in some of the things I love, you know??? But I don’t expect it from him. I just don’t, and I’m okay with that.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i’m conflicted, what else is new.

So “Tom” and I have been having some pretty good conversations lately. Nothing too deep or personal, it’s great. I feel like things are finally getting back on track between us. However, I am still thinking about the conversation we had last night.

We were talking about his hobbies and whatnot then he told me about how proud he was of me that I had “stuck” with this and actually gave it some thought as opposed to brushing it off like anyone else would. To make a long story short, I made a comment saying that it was like he was the proud dad or something because he’s very knowledgeable in his hobbies obviously and I felt like I was the little kid…and he replied, saying that I made it all weird by saying that. I took a step back at first because I mean, yeah, I guess it was a little weird, but I didn’t expect him to take it like he did. He said that he wouldn’t say that anymore if that’s how I felt and then I apologized, then after that, the conversation seemed a bit stiff.

I mean, here’s how I look at it. I felt comfortable enough, as a friend, to joke around with him like that and I told him that if he’s going to be friends with me, he has to learn to deal with the crazy stuff I say sometimes. A part of me feels like something else was going on. If he was just trying to be my friend, I don’t think that would have bothered him that much. Or maybe it’s just me…would you be weirded out if your friends said something like that to you? Would it be a huge deal? I don’t know.

I guess a part of me will always wonder if he does still have feelings for me…but he’s not going to say anything because of the huge fight we got into the last time this happened. He probably thinks he ruined his chances, which yeah, he sort of did, but I just wish that he would be honest and straightforward with me. Since the beginning, I’ve been nothing but sincere and honest with my feelings. If this were high school, I’d probably be doing anything and everything to make sure my crush didn’t find out I liked him. But this is different. Any opportunity I got, I made sure to let him know how much I care about him, how strong my feelings were, and all that.

I just think it was a little weird that he got THAT creeped out by one trivial little statement…and he once told me that there was no way I would ever creep/freak him out. Guess he was wrong. πŸ˜› Oh well, I’m not worried about it, but small things like that will always get my brain thinking. I can’t help it.

-beautifuldarkmystery

so i started summer school last week.

Wow, I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I forgot that since instructors have to fit a semester’s worth of work into 6 weeks, the workload is overwhelming! Oh well, hopefully I can manage. The first week is always a little stressful because you have to find a routine that works for you. On the bright side, now there are only 5 weeks left! πŸ˜› This summer is going by so quickly, before I know it, it’ll be August. Then I have to starrt actual school! πŸ˜› So much for a break, but that’s okay. I think it’s good to stay busy…just as long as its manageable. Haha

On another note, I am super excited to start filming my short! We’re looking at the beginning of August. *fingers crossed* I can’t believe we’re going through with this. I am beyond thrilled and I can’t wait to see how everything turns out. :’) This is a huge deal for me.

-beautifuldarkmystery

better this way.

You know, I’ve always heard the saying that some people are meant to fall for each other, but not meant to be together. To be honest, that never made sense to me and I never understood how that was possible. However, now I believe in that. It practically sums up my non-existant relationship with this guy for the last year and a half.

Without a doubt, we were drawn to each other. It was attraction at first sight. Our hesitance got the best of us both. For fear of crossing that line, we were always afraid to make a move and in the end, that’s what destroyed our chances. I mean, perhaps our friendship was too valuable for him to risk it. I know feelings are only temporary and that eventually, they change, but if he claimed to have feelings for me for over a year, I would have thought we might actually have a chance here because it’s very rare I like the person who likes me back .

It was frustrating to know we couldn’t develop anything more than a friendship. I mean, unless we both have very different ideas of what it means to have feelings for someone. I can only validate my own. There are times I just want to blurt out everything I’ve kept bottled from him…every feeling and emotion…but then I think that I’d just be wasting my time. Showing him I’m vulnerable only hurts me in the end. My own hesitance is very self-destructive. When will I change my ways?

– beautifuldarkmystery

when to let go.

How do you know when it’s time to let go? I wish this was easier said than done sometimes. I’m practically setting myself up for failure here, yet I continue to dig myself deeper into this hole I’ve made…all for some guy who doesn’t even think twice about me.

I can’t help it though…sometimes I think he still feels the same way, but is too afraid to say anything because the last time he did, it practically cost us our friendship. I know he doesn’t want to see that side of me again so of course, for him, it’s easier to not say anything. I know the only way I’ll ever find out is to talk to him about it. I feel like that’ll be a waste of time personally, but it’s the only way. I just need to get over it and talk to him.

It’s kind of sad because I feel like he’s been wanting to talk to me more and more lately…only because I’ve shown interest in his hobbies and passions. Otherwise, I don’t think we’d be talking this much, honestly. But I can’t complain…like I said, no one told me I HAD to do this. I guess this just shows me who values the friendship more. Just saying.

-beautifuldarkmystery