Monthly Archives: June 2013

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what do they mean.

So I have something I want a little advice on and maybe some of you can help. I don’t want to over-analyze it or make a huge deal over it, but here it goes.

He and I have been texting A LOT since school got out…and I can’t help but wonder if some of those old flames are being rekindled. Every now and then, I feel like he drops little hints, but I don’t want to overanalyze them and think, oh my gosh, he said this, he must like me.

We hung out today…we saw a movie…just the two of us, but it was not a date, just two friends hanging out. Anyways, so I was waiting in the lobby for him to arrive and when he did, he gave me a hug, pretty normal. Then we start talking and he randomly says, “Don’t you usually wear a lot of rings?” and he grabs my hand. Not gonna lie, I was a little thrown by this, but again, not trying to overanalyze this. I think it’s just because it was out of the blue.

When it was time to actually go into the theater, we stood up and he walked behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. When we actually get into the theater, we still have like 20 minutes before the movie starts, so we’re just sitting there and talking and joking around with each other…and he continues to find more ways to touch me…not in a creepy way or anything…just small stuff like poking me (at one point he stretched his arm around me).

Honestly, I don’t know if he still has feelings for me or if he’s just trying to be “friendly,” but either way, I wish he would just decide what he really wants. My feelings for him haven’t changed which honestly makes hanging out with him that much harder. Like I said, I’ve never seen someone be so wishy-washy with his feelings towards someone. I mean, I think you either like me or you don’t. There’s no in between. But maybe that’s just me.

Once the movie was over we walked back to the parking garage (he parked next to me). I thanked him for getting me out of the house because I literally had not left at all due to studying for my classes and whatnot, so it was good to have a little break. So I said goodbye and we hugged. It wasn’t just one of those quick 1-second goodbye hugs. We stood there and I felt him rest his head on top of mine and we stood there for a few seconds. At that moment, I felt as if things were back to the way they were before everything happened…before our huge fight…before I got mad/upset with him.

When I got home, I saw a text from him and he said to let him know when I got home. I know he was just trying to be a good friend, but I can’t help but consider the other factors. What does this mean? Am I overanalyzing this or is there a possibility that there may still be feelings there?

-beautifuldarkmystery

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getting my friend back.

I feel like I’ve started to see this different side of him, now that we’re getting our friendship back on track. He seems more relaxed when we text and when we talk in general. I think it’s because there’s no added pressure of having to “impress” me, which is great I guess. Like I’ve said though, there will always be a small part of me that has those feelings for him because they were real. They don’t just go away.

The other night, we were texting each other and it was late at night so maybe it was because he was tired and stopped censoring/filtering his words…but I’m just going to put it out there. He called me sexy. Now, I know the general “rule” is that…if a guy likes you, he calls you “pretty” or “beautiful” or something along the lines of that. But I was completely shocked because this didn’t sound like him at all. Oddly though, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it a little. I mean, sure, it was probably meant in the “friendliest” way possible, but it threw me for a loop. Haha I guess it’s because I’ve NEVER EVER been called that in my life…nor have I ever seen myself like that. But I guess it’s kind of cool.

Anyways, point is, I’m glad he’s starting to feel comfortable around me. I’m not going to lie, I initially started getting into his hobbies and showing interest because I wanted to win him back. But now that I really look at the situation, I’m getting my best friend back and that’s all that matters to me. Some things don’t always work out the way you want them to, but I mean, if this is what it’s going to take for him to feel comfortable around me, then I must be a damn good friend. He’s even told me that I’m too good to him, but I take my friendships very seriously and if there’s anything on my end I can do to make it work, then that’s what I’ll do. So the fact that I’ve at least given this a shot and have shown genuine interest (because don’t get me wrong, I actually like some of this stuff), shows how much this friendship means to me.

It may not be reciprocated from his end, but I expected it. Not to play the self-pity card, but it is what it is…I am always the one who puts in more effort when it comes to friendships/relationships. That’s just how it’s always been. But I mean, on the plus side, he DOES make more of an effort to talk to me, so I have to give him some credit. It would just be nice if he showed a little interest in some of the things I love, you know??? But I don’t expect it from him. I just don’t, and I’m okay with that.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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i’m conflicted, what else is new.

So “Tom” and I have been having some pretty good conversations lately. Nothing too deep or personal, it’s great. I feel like things are finally getting back on track between us. However, I am still thinking about the conversation we had last night.

We were talking about his hobbies and whatnot then he told me about how proud he was of me that I had “stuck” with this and actually gave it some thought as opposed to brushing it off like anyone else would. To make a long story short, I made a comment saying that it was like he was the proud dad or something because he’s very knowledgeable in his hobbies obviously and I felt like I was the little kid…and he replied, saying that I made it all weird by saying that. I took a step back at first because I mean, yeah, I guess it was a little weird, but I didn’t expect him to take it like he did. He said that he wouldn’t say that anymore if that’s how I felt and then I apologized, then after that, the conversation seemed a bit stiff.

I mean, here’s how I look at it. I felt comfortable enough, as a friend, to joke around with him like that and I told him that if he’s going to be friends with me, he has to learn to deal with the crazy stuff I say sometimes. A part of me feels like something else was going on. If he was just trying to be my friend, I don’t think that would have bothered him that much. Or maybe it’s just me…would you be weirded out if your friends said something like that to you? Would it be a huge deal? I don’t know.

I guess a part of me will always wonder if he does still have feelings for me…but he’s not going to say anything because of the huge fight we got into the last time this happened. He probably thinks he ruined his chances, which yeah, he sort of did, but I just wish that he would be honest and straightforward with me. Since the beginning, I’ve been nothing but sincere and honest with my feelings. If this were high school, I’d probably be doing anything and everything to make sure my crush didn’t find out I liked him. But this is different. Any opportunity I got, I made sure to let him know how much I care about him, how strong my feelings were, and all that.

I just think it was a little weird that he got THAT creeped out by one trivial little statement…and he once told me that there was no way I would ever creep/freak him out. Guess he was wrong. 😛 Oh well, I’m not worried about it, but small things like that will always get my brain thinking. I can’t help it.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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so i started summer school last week.

Wow, I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I forgot that since instructors have to fit a semester’s worth of work into 6 weeks, the workload is overwhelming! Oh well, hopefully I can manage. The first week is always a little stressful because you have to find a routine that works for you. On the bright side, now there are only 5 weeks left! 😛 This summer is going by so quickly, before I know it, it’ll be August. Then I have to starrt actual school! 😛 So much for a break, but that’s okay. I think it’s good to stay busy…just as long as its manageable. Haha

On another note, I am super excited to start filming my short! We’re looking at the beginning of August. *fingers crossed* I can’t believe we’re going through with this. I am beyond thrilled and I can’t wait to see how everything turns out. :’) This is a huge deal for me.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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better this way.

You know, I’ve always heard the saying that some people are meant to fall for each other, but not meant to be together. To be honest, that never made sense to me and I never understood how that was possible. However, now I believe in that. It practically sums up my non-existant relationship with this guy for the last year and a half.

Without a doubt, we were drawn to each other. It was attraction at first sight. Our hesitance got the best of us both. For fear of crossing that line, we were always afraid to make a move and in the end, that’s what destroyed our chances. I mean, perhaps our friendship was too valuable for him to risk it. I know feelings are only temporary and that eventually, they change, but if he claimed to have feelings for me for over a year, I would have thought we might actually have a chance here because it’s very rare I like the person who likes me back .

It was frustrating to know we couldn’t develop anything more than a friendship. I mean, unless we both have very different ideas of what it means to have feelings for someone. I can only validate my own. There are times I just want to blurt out everything I’ve kept bottled from him…every feeling and emotion…but then I think that I’d just be wasting my time. Showing him I’m vulnerable only hurts me in the end. My own hesitance is very self-destructive. When will I change my ways?

– beautifuldarkmystery

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when to let go.

How do you know when it’s time to let go? I wish this was easier said than done sometimes. I’m practically setting myself up for failure here, yet I continue to dig myself deeper into this hole I’ve made…all for some guy who doesn’t even think twice about me.

I can’t help it though…sometimes I think he still feels the same way, but is too afraid to say anything because the last time he did, it practically cost us our friendship. I know he doesn’t want to see that side of me again so of course, for him, it’s easier to not say anything. I know the only way I’ll ever find out is to talk to him about it. I feel like that’ll be a waste of time personally, but it’s the only way. I just need to get over it and talk to him.

It’s kind of sad because I feel like he’s been wanting to talk to me more and more lately…only because I’ve shown interest in his hobbies and passions. Otherwise, I don’t think we’d be talking this much, honestly. But I can’t complain…like I said, no one told me I HAD to do this. I guess this just shows me who values the friendship more. Just saying.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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a love/hate relationship with love.

“I can’t get comfortable with someone who wants to confuse my emotions.”

I just came across this on Tumblr and I mean, it makes sense. That’s why I can never feel like myself around him…because he HAS confused my emotions for the last year and a half. That’s why I never know what to say or how to act. It seems like common sense but it didn’t click until right now, when I read that post.

Anyways, we’re talking now and I made a point of saying I’m trying to show interest in his hobbies so that we’d have something to talk about other than school, and I think he got it. I mean, I like that this stuff is, in a sense, bringing us closer I guess…but no matter how much we talk about it, it doesn’t change the fact that things can’t go back to the way they used to be.

I actually think it’s kind of funny because he liked me when I wasn’t into all this stuff, and now that I’ve shown genuine interest in it, he doesn’t even feel that way about me. I guess I’ll never know how this works…which leads me to the next quote I read on Tumblr…

“I am too jaded to completely believe in a happily ever after.”

Which leads me to my last quote.

“Don’t give up on love, because there is always someone who loves you. Even if it’s not the person you were hoping for.”

A love/hate relationship with love. That’s what this is. Haha.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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not trying to play the self-pity card here, but…

So he showed up…I was actually surprised. I guess this is what happens when you begin to lower your expectations of others. I’ll give him credit though, he did drive all the way over to my house just to hang out with me. He even said he was glad he got to see me, so I guess it all worked out.

It was a little difficult though, if I’m going to be completely honest. We were sitting so close to each other that all I wanted to do was put my head on his shoulder and hold his hand. But then I had to remember where we stood, and that it’s not like that anymore. I couldn’t help but notice that when I sat super close to him, he started bouncing his leg really fast, it’s like a nervous habit of his. I don’t know if it was because it was because he, in fact, does still like me but acts like he doesn’t…or he really doesn’t feel that way anymore and I was making him uncomfortable. Regardless, he didn’t move away. In fact, he moved closer. By the end of the night, we were arm against arm.

It just sucks because I’m genuinely showing interest in his world and I’m trying to show him that I at least care about what he’s passionate about. Yet, in the end, I KNOW that I’m going to be the one hurt, once again…because my heart is stupid and always dominates. When will I learn? Why do I continue to pine over the one I cannot have? I don’t know. But at least this one thing…for now…is bringing us closer together as friends, and if that’s all that’s going to happen, then so be it. I mean, other than school, we really don’t talk about anything else, which I find strange. So I thought that by showing interest in something he loves so much, he’ll feel more comfortable around me. But I don’t know why that is…why it’s so hard for us to be ourselves around each other. I almost feel as though it’s not normal.

t just sucks that once again, I’m the one putting in more of an effort. I mean, yeah, no one said I had to do any of this, but to me, being part of a friendship means being open-minded to different hobbies and passions. It means a lot to the other person when you show interest…that’s just common sense.

I feel like I need coaching in the picking friends department sometimes. 😛

-beautifuldarkmystery