happiness.

Sometimes, another person’s happiness doesn’t include you…and at some point, you have to be okay with that. I recently found out my ex got into another relationship and I was shocked at first, just because I wasn’t expecting it. I was suddenly hit with all these different emotions, sadness, anger, happiness, relief…it was very confusing and I could feel my moods quickly changing from one to the next. However, as I allowed everything to sink in and come to the realization that this wasn’t a dream, I came to terms with it and accepted that our story was never supposed to work out. There was no happily ever after for us, as much as we both wanted it.

Of course, being the person I am, I went to the girl’s profile to see who she is. She’s very pretty and seems to be into the same things as him, so what more could I ask for? He does deserve to be happy, just like anyone else. No matter what’s happened between us in the past, that doesn’t change the fact that I still want nothing but the best for him.

Do I miss him? Of course…I always will. Do I love him? Yes, I always will, even if it’s not in a romantic way anymore. But at this point in our lives, it’s best to just let each other live our lives. If our paths cross again, I’m always open to being friends again. But I’ve come to find that the more I try and push being friends, the worse it gets. Plus, because we haven’t really seen or spoken to each other in over a year.

To be completely honest, this is all still so new to me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel or react, but all I can do is listen to my heart and use good judgement. I’ve never felt what it’s like to see someone you used to be in love with now in love with someone else. Even though I haven’t physically seen them together, just seeing that relationship change was enough. But you know what? I am okay. I have accepted the entire situation. Our relationship is way in the past. It’s time to move on to bigger and better things.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about how things could have been, but what’s done has been done. But this was the day I was waiting for, and now that it’s happened, there’s nowhere to go but up. Even if he doesn’t consider me a friend anymore, I will always be here for him. He will always have a special place in my heart, even if it’s not reciprocated. His happiness still matters just as much to me as it did when we were in a relationship, even if I’m not in the picture anymore…even if I’m just some distant memory at this point.

There’s a lot that can be said about this whole thing, but then I feel like I would just be repeating myself. If there’s one thing I can take away from this experience, it’s that I grew from it and learned more about myself than I ever thought was possible. I can only hope that he feels the same way. This has been a strenuous journey, but now it’s over. It’s time to start a new chapter and move forward. For the first time, I feel like I can walk away from the situation at peace. And I couldn’t be happier.

beautifuldarkmystery

it’s for the best.

Things are going great…and even though I’m sad that he’s not a part of my life anymore, I know that this is for the best. I need to learn to focus on the positive and not so much on the negative. I’m not saying avoid them completely…but more like, acknowledge that they’re there, but don’t dwell on them.

The hardest part is waiting for that right person to come along who will change your life forever. I hope it’ll be worth the wait…because I feel like I deserve to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.

un-friended.

Yesterday I deleted my ex off of Facebook. Some people may see that as an immature way to handle things, but sometimes it’s necessary, especially for someone like me, who’s been having a difficult time trying to move on. Sometimes, you need that clean break from an ex in order to even have the slightest chance of moving on.

We live in a generation where our lives revolve around social media. These are the main ways we stay connected to our friends…we find out what they’re doing through what they post. I’ve been thinking about this for the past week now. I knew that un-friending him meant I would no longer be able to see what’s going on in his life, and he would no longer be able to see what’s going on in mine.

I won’t go into too much detail about my situation, but we have been in this limbo since we broke up (which was about five months). We weren’t even in a relationship that long so it’s weird calling him my ex. But anyway, he’s made it clear to me in the last five months that he still has feelings for me but he doesn’t want to get back into a relationship any time soon. It has been THIS cycle that has caused me so much frustration because I don’t know what he wants from me. One day he’ll act like he wants me, the next he’ll act completely different. I’ve been unhappy through all of this, so enough is enough. I’ve learned that I need to come to a decision for myself…that we are never getting back together.

Unfortunately, since I’ve been in this cycle for a while now, it’s made it super difficult for me to move on…which is why I resorted to deleting him off of social media. Unfortunately, I lacked the self control and discipline and found myself visiting his Facebook page every once in a while to see what he was up to. Then, when I saw he was hanging out with his new friends, I would get my feelings hurt and I would feel left out and then I would get upset all over again. I want to get to that point where I’m not affected by the simplest of things. So I need a clean break. Cold turkey. I need to cut him off. It’s the only way…for me at least.

They say you should always trust your gut feeling. I was reluctant for the longest time about deleting him from social media, Facebook specifically, because I felt like if I did, I would lose him. But the irony of it all has been that…I’ve been holding on to him so tightly and I’ve been holding on to the hope that we would get back together that in many ways, I’ve already lost him. And like I said, I knew that once I did it, I wouldn’t be able to know what was going on in his life. But that’s the whole point of all of this. I need to break this habit of needing to know what he’s doing. I don’t want to be THAT person. Anyway, back to my point, my gut feeling told me I needed to do this. If I wanted any chance of moving on, I need a clean break. I thought I would feel regretful and sad after I did it, but surprisingly, I felt liberated, I suddenly felt like one of those chains had been broken and I felt a sense of freedom. I know it sounds crazy, but I guess I didn’t realize how much I was allowing this one person to hold me down. I don’t want to do that anymore.

I don’t know if he’s even noticed yet, but I’m not going to tell him I did it. The whole point of this is trying to be as subtle as possible. I don’t want to make a huge deal out of it. I’m just doing what I think is necessary for me in order to be happy again. Sometimes we have to be a little selfish and I’ve put his feelings before mine for way too long now and it hasn’t been reciprocated.

I know that this is just the beginning. But it’s a step in the right direction. I want to get to that place where I feel no bitterness towards him. Right now, because feelings are still so raw, I’m a little more sensitive than I should be to certain situations. I know that deep down in my heart, he has a piece of me I’ll never get back…but if I can move on for the most part and be okay, then that’s when I’ll know. It’s been difficult because he was my first love, so unfortunately, it’s the only love I know. But I know I’ll get there some day. It just might take a while, and that’s okay. But based on how I felt after I un-friended him, I knew it was the right thing to do. He might see it as an immature way to handle it, but if he really loves me, he’ll let me go.

– beautifuldarkmystery

Have you ever deleted an ex from social media after breaking up? Why or why not? Did it help you?

time heals, or does it.

I wish I didn’t get mad…because getting mad means I still care, and I don’t want to care anymore. I know it’ll get easier with time, but still.

moving on.

It’s one of the most difficult things to do but sometimes it’s necessary. The heart wants what it wants, but when you take a step back and look at the bigger picture, you have to ask yourself one question…are you benefitting or suffering from the relationship? If you are suffering more than you are benefitting from it, then I think the answer is pretty clear. Sometimes we’re blind and we ignore the signs because we want things to work out. But sometimes, the truth hurts.

No matter how much you want to change a person, you can’t. They have to want to change for themselves. Unfortunately, you have to accept things at face value. This is who they are, this is who they will always be. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the situation, thinking that if you hold on for just a little longer, maybe it’ll turn around and things will start to get better. In a perfect world, that would be lovely. However, this is what happens in life and there will come a point where you realize that the only option left is to accept the reality of the situation. It’s just not going to work out.

My mother told me that one day, I’ll wake up and not care about what he’s doing. I won’t care about who he’s with or questioning whether he still has feelings for me. Right now, it doesn’t feel that way because this is just the beginning of the process. I have a long road ahead of me.

I’ve held on to the idea of this relationship for the last three years. Unfortunately, when it finally happened, it didn’t last that long, and things ended before they even started. Since breaking up with him, I’ve continued to hold on. No matter how many red flags and warning signs came my way, I chose to ignore them…and that’s what got me to where I am now…hurt, disappointed, frustrated. When we’re in love, we look for the best in the other person. When they say or do something we don’t like, we try to ignore it. But over time, it starts to build, and then one day, you have that “aha” moment. You realize that you have to move on.

I really hope that one day, I’ll be able to wake up and not care about what he’s doing. I want to wake up not feeling jealous, not feeling betrayed, hurt…He will always have a piece of my heart, but I want to be in control of my life again. I have a habit of letting my circumstances control me and that’s not good. Until I get to that stable place again where I can be happy without him in my life, I’ll continue to fall into my ruts on occasion. I’ll have moments of weakness. I’ll cry, I’ll vent to someone, all my emotions will hit me at once. It’s going to hurt because I care. But everything is going to be okay. Life doesn’t stop for anyone.

They say that some of life’s toughest situations bring the most valuable lessons…and the longer it takes to learn the lesson, the more valuable the lesson. He was my first love, therefore it’s the only love I know, which makes this that much more difficult. I’m going to be that much more guarded when they next guy comes around, I’m not going to jump into things right away. It’s going to take some time. But knowing how to cope with a broken heart and deal with the pain that comes after the relationship ends…knowing that much will make the next one a little easier…at least I hope.

I’m not the type of person who does things out of spite or wishes harm on anyone…but if there is any sort of revenge I would want…it would be for him to realize later on down the road that he made a huge mistake…that he lost someone who really cared about him and would have given him the world…but it’ll be too late. I will have moved on and be with someone new, and I will be happy.

They say when you meet the right person, you’ll know. I find that very interesting, but I guess I’m going to find out.

in order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.

Something profound happened today and I don’t know if it’s temporary or not, but I hope it’s not. Something spoke to me on the inside…it went straight to my heart. But basically, I had a realization that I’m holding on to nothing. The probability of me getting back together with him is very small. Like I mentioned in my last post, we’re complete opposites and it’s just not going to work out.

Anyway, my point is, often times, when we get caught up in something that seems to bring us so much happiness and joy, we sometimes forget to look at the bigger picture. Sure, there are lots of nice things, but when you look at longevity, how is this going to benefit you? Is it going to benefit you at all? When I take a step back and look at my relationship with him, do I miss the person or do I miss the feelings? Truthfully, I miss the feelings. He was my first love, so of course, this one’s going to be the hardest. It’s all I know. It’s the only love I know.

My problem is that I’ve wanted to be in a relationship for so long and I’ve wanted it so bad that I end up ruining it for myself every time I get into one. Not that it’s happened frequently. But I just need to chill out. Obviously, I am nowhere near ready to get back into one and it’s going to take some time. There are things I need to work on about myself before I can get back into another relationship. Then, when I least expect it, it will happen. I know because that’s exactly what happened before I got into this last one.

I’ve told myself a thousand times that I need to let go of him. I need to find someone who will treat me better, someone I can trust, someone I won’t have to worry about losing. I’m so afraid of losing him to someone else that it’s causing all of these unnecessary insecurities and jealousy and I don’t want any of those feelings. It doesn’t make me feel good and it doesn’t make me look like a terrible person.

The reality of it is finally beginning to set in, I fear. It’s a good thing though. I know the heart wants what it wants, but sometimes you have to say no to something in order to achieve greater. If I keep holding on to something that will never happen, how will I ever know what lies beyond? That is my worst fear with relationships…getting so caught up in something and holding on to it so tight that I put the blinders on and ignore potentially good matches.

I’m sure some of you have felt this way and can relate. Sometimes, I feel lost. Sometimes, I feel crazy. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal or if I’m losing my mind. But I think after today, I feel a sense of peace…something I haven’t felt in a while. I mean, sure, it’s still going to hurt when he finds another girl, but I can’t let that poison me. I have to free myself of those bonds, the ones that have been preventing me from moving on in my life.

There’s a quote from one of my favorite authors, Mitch Albom, that I often see that relates to all of this. “In order to move on, you need to understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.” It’s a quote that’s stuck with me ever since and it could no relate to my life more than it does now.

At the end of the day, whatever’s going to happen is going to happen. The more I begin to distance myself now, the less hurt I’ll end up. It sucks always feeling like you’re the more vulnerable one…and although there’s only so much you can do to protect yourself, you can try to take as many steps as you can to lessen the amount of pain. It’s going to hurt regardless, but this is the only life we’re given. We need to make the most of it instead of staying in the same place. We need to move on. I need to move on.

– beautifuldarkmystery

goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem.

I think most people feel it is immature to cut someone completely out of your life, but sometimes it’s necessary. I’ve decided that this is what I need to do with my ex. Right now, it’s just too difficult to go back to being just friends when we’ve already crossed that line.

I’ve cut him out once before, but that was a while ago, and before anything really happened. At the time, all that HAD happened was that we confessed our feelings for each other. But he couldn’t make up his mind about how he felt about me and every time we tried to be more than friends, he’d pull back because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. So finally, I got fed up and cut him off. I didn’t speak to him, I only saw him when necessary (I was still in school at the time). But that was it. And as much as it sucked not being able to see him or hang out with him, allowing that time for myself helped the healing process. For the most part, my feelings for him were starting to go away because I had finally gotten to the point where I didn’t want to wait around anymore.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, for the longest time, I thought that cutting him off was a stupid thing to do and it seemed very childish. But seeing as how much pain I’m causing myself by trying to be in the friendship, I know exactly why I did it in the first place. I haven’t had the conversation with him yet, but I am waiting until he is done with finals because I know he’s not going to like this. He absolutely hated it that last time I did this and for the longest time, that was the reason he was scared to get into a relationship with me. Not losing me completely was more important to him than being in a relationship. But if he’s really my friend and loves me like he says he does, then he’ll understand why I need to do this. He will let me go. It’s going to hurt so much and if there was some other way I could go about this, I would. But right now, even just trying to be friends, it’s not working and I’m sacrificing my own happiness to be in this friendship and I’m tired of being sad all the time. I need to completely separate myself from him…however long that’s going to take. And if or when I am ready, we can try to be friends again.

But I need to completely remove him from my life. That means, no speaking to him, I can’t see him, I’ve removed every photo of us I have up in my room, I need a clean cut in order to move forward. I wish I wasn’t that type of person because it all sounds so drastic and unnecessary, but I feel like this is the only way. Sometimes, you have to be a little selfish and put yourself before anyone else. It sucks I’m going to hurt him in the process too, but like I said, if he’s truly my friend, he will understand that I need to do this for myself.

It’s never easy saying goodbye to a friend, especially when that friend has been such an important part of your life…this person has become a part of you. But goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem. But I need to move on. The longer I try to hold on, the more painful this is going to be. He’s told me he wants to give this another chance, but at this point, I don’t see a happy ending for us. Maybe in another life…

– beautifuldarkmystery