just a mild crush.

There’s been this guy lately…that I sort of, kind of like. We have a lot of mutual friends, but we’ve only spoken to each other a couple of times. Let’s call him Lewis. We had a class last semester and one of our mutual friends, Juan, was in that class as well. Juan had made it very clear to me that he developed a crush and liked me. I’d like to know what he thinks of me, but as always, I’m too chicken to find out.

Once Juan told me this, I began to pay attention to Lewis more. I noticed he would often look at me, a couple of times we made eye contact. It was all innocent stuff. We went the rest of the semester not really speaking. We just went to class and he hung out with his friends in that class and I hung out with mine. Just recently, we were both helping out on the same production, and I hadn’t seen him all break long. Anyways, again, we made eye contact, and later I passed him and we had a brief dialogue exchange.

I don’t know if we’ll have any classes this semester but I’m kind of hoping that we do. I know all of this seems pretty trivial and not that big of a deal, but I live for the small stuff like this, even if it’s not what I think it is. Aside from that, I’ve heard he doesn’t drink and is straight-edge like me, which is I guess part of the reason why I like him…not that I have a problem with people who drink, but I don’t think I’d ever be able to date someone who does drugs. Just saying. Oh, and we’re both graduating this semester…sighhhhh.

– beautifuldarkmystery

oh my gosh, you guys.

So yesterday was one of the craziest days of my semester so far. I went to school, even though I didn’t have classes because of my friends, we’ll call him “Sean,” needed my help editing a video. So we worked on that and then went to have lunch. “Tom” joined us and it was weird because he was really quiet, like quieter than usual and every time I tried talking to him, he didn’t seem to want to talk to me.

Anyways, Tom had to leave for class and so it was just me and Sean. We were sitting outside having really deep conversations. I’ve opened up to him so much since we met. He’s just one of those people I automatically felt comfortable enough to let my guard down and tell him about my life. He’s a really sensitive and understanding person and we’re a lot alike in many ways, including our perceptions of relationships and life in general. So we were having a good conversation until his phone rang. It was his girlfriend, but I didn’t know that until he hung up. He finished the call and then looks at me. When he gets nervous, he starts smiling a lot so I knew something was wrong. I asked him what’s up and he basically said his girlfriend is super jealous that he and I have been hanging out a lot lately, just the two of us. I didn’t like where this was going. I am NOT the type of girl who would do that to another girl. If someone is in a relationship, that’s an automatic no for me. I honestly thought we were just friends hanging out, but apparently, he thought differently.

Their relationship is complicated. They’ve been dating for a long time now and both have issues that they’re trying to work out. Before we started working on our film, he was considering ending the relationship because he wasn’t happy anymore. Last week, he and I hung out, just the two of us. This is where it gets messy. So apparently he told her he was going to hang out with some of his guy friends, but really, he went to hang out with me. I uploaded the pictures to Facebook and she saw him and confronted him about it. They got into a huge argument and it completely blew up. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I couldn’t believe he lied to her like that and now I was in the middle of it. Now I’ve got this girl who hates my guts and she doesn’t even know me. My intentions were never to take him away from her. I would NEVER do that to ANYONE! I wanted to cry.

Eventually, the conversation reached a peak when she asked him if he liked me. He said yes. My jaw dropped as he was explaining all of this to me. Now, I’m sort of in a sticky situation. I’ve got this guy who likes me, but he’s in a relationship. He’s considering leaving her for me. There are a couple things wrong with that. A) I don’t want to be another reason for ending their relationship and B) I don’t want to be the rebound. C) I am interested in someone else. I don’t see him the same way he sees me.

But wait, it gets better. He told me that she wants to meet me and of course, I’m open to it. I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot and I don’t her to think of me like that. But before I could get in another word, she shows up right in front of us. Now I’m in an even more awkward situation because now it’s the three of us, sitting there. Right off the bat, she was acting super nice because I don’t know if she knows that I know about what Mark told me about their relationship. Anyways, so I could tell she wasn’t being completely sincere because I KNOW that she hates my guts right now. But I tried to be as genuine as possible. I couldn’t ignore the fact that I felt super uncomfortable. She made it known they were in a relationship, smiling at him, calling him pet names, and touching him every once in a while. I knew what she was doing, but I very well know he’s in a relationship and like I’ve said, I WOULD NEVER DO THAT! Nothing happened between us. If a friend wants to hang out, I’m going to hang out with him/her.

I get home later that night and end up talking to Tom on the phone about what had went down. He wanted to make sure I was okay. But yeah, my life just took a turn and I’m still trying to process everything…especially after the phone call I got this morning from Sean.

He basically said he can’t stop thinking about me and that he’s thought about getting me flowers and even meeting my parents. Talk about feeling overwhelmed! Is there an emotion that’s a level further than that…because that’s how I felt. To make things even better, he said he really is considering breaking up with her to go out with me. He said that when he’s around me he feels happy and he hasn’t felt that happy in a long time. The more I heard this, the more I wanted to cringe. He is a nice person and I was trying to let him down easy, but I don’t think he was getting the hint. I hate rejecting people, but I can’t help who I have feelings for. I guess in a sense, he knows what I’m going through. He likes someone who doesn’t like him back in that way…just like I like this guy who doesn’t see me as more than a friend. It sucks. And I feel even worse about this whole thing because the whole time we’ve been getting to know each other has consisted of me expressing my feelings about Tom to him and basically venting about how I am basically in love with this guy who doesn’t see me that way. I don’t know what I’m going to do. He said he’s going to call me back later tonight, but I just feel bad that all of this happened. I never intended for any of it to go down like this and I wish I could hit the rewind button. I think I feel extremely overwhelmed because I’ve never been in a situation like this. It may seem trivial to you guys, but to me, my mind’s all over the place.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Have any of you been in a situation like this? What did you do? Any advice???

i guess that makes me still hopeful.

We got out of class early so he and I hung out for a bit and waited for his class. When we got the end of the hallway, he wraps his arms around me and just stood there holding me. He knew I had a rough week last week and I told him I had a rough weekend as well. So he just stood there, holding me as I buried my head into his chest and embraced this sense of security. Nonverbal communication is all you need sometimes. When he let go, I told him I needed that and he smiled at me. We might be seeing a movie this Friday night. Maybe this is it…it’ll be interesting to see what happens.

nerves.

So tomorrow we’re shooting our short movie. Yeah, I am so nervous, but so excited. I hope this isn’t too awkward…I’m afraid that because we like each other and we know we like each other, awkwardness is going to be pretty much inevitable. Oh well, I still get to spend time with him, so I’m not complaining.

For those of you who didn’t read my other post, our short film is basically about this girl who’s rushing to her car and on her way, she drops her keys. A guy sees them and follows the girl to the garage (in a non creepy way of course) and when they meet, it’s “love at first sight.” ❤ He’s playing the male lead and I’m playing the female lead. The thing is…I never volunteered. They all volunteered me and then he volunteered himself. Coincidence? I don’t think so…

-beautifuldarkmystery

thoughts for the day.

So I’m sitting in the library right now…I have a 6 hour break, three hours are down, three more to go. It sucks when you don’t get priority registration or the classes you need are only offered at certain times. Anyways, that’s not why I wanted to write this post. I figured, since I have the time, I can do a little self reflection.

So basically, as far as my crush goes…I’ve actually kind of settled down for the time being. Over winter break I was obsessing over not seeing him and as crazy as it seems, 5 weeks DID make me crazy. I missed him so much and I know that if we really wanted to, we could have gotten together over break. I brought it up a couple of times but no one made the effort. I just feel bad because we live about two hours apart from each other and I don’t want to make him drive all the way to where I live just to see me. Then again, if he really likes me, he would do it anyway, right? Ugh, I suck at this sometimes.

Anyways, like I was saying…I saw him this morning in our class and we didn’t really talk all that much. It sucks because on Mondays he doesn’t have any breaks and so I only see him for that hour and 15 minutes and then we go our separate ways. But it’s weird…I feel so hot and cold with him. Like…one day I’ll really think about him and picture how things would be if we were in a relationship. Then there are other days where I just don’t see anything happening. I don’t know if it’s from a lack of “experience” in the dating world or what. But it sure gets a little confusing sometimes.

I think I’m just going to leave it alone for now…or at least until I can work up the courage and just say how I feel. THAT would be a HUGE step for me in terms of anything really. But until then, why worry about it…

I feel so paranoid typing this up in the library because I’m afraid someone’s going to just look over my shoulder and read everything. *dies* (not really). So yeah, that’s pretty much where I’m at now. Hopefully I’ll be able to get more in-depth posts but for now, I’ll keep it short and sweet. Hope everyone’s having a great Monday!

-beautifuldarkmystery

10 signs someone is interested in you.

Found these on Tumblr…I would say that most of these apply to my current situation. What about you?

1. They stand closer to you or they keep a smaller distance when they’re around you. It shows that they are comfortable with you and want to get physically intimate.

2. They are more likely to face you when talking to you as opposed to standing sideways or away from you. However, if they are shy, then maybe this point won’t apply so much. Instead, they will periodically take glimpses at you when you’re not looking.

3. They’d try to get your attention for trivial things such as calling you about what homework they have or when the homework is due.

4. They smile more frequently because of you. Even if they don’t show it while around you because they don’t want you to find out they like you, they will smile when they think of you.

5. Their behavior can be passive aggressive. They may appear to show interest in you one day and not the other. Sometimes, this leaves you wondering if you pissed them off without realizing. When someone likes you, little things you do can hurt them, because they have taken a bigger notice to you.

6. They prioritize their activities with you. They may cancel plans just so they can meet up with you or assist you with something.

7. Their friends know about you. They have probably at some point confess to at least one friend their feelings about you.

8. They want to find out more about you to see if you’re single or available or/and if you’re compatible.

9. They will care about you if you are upset and they will often try to do something for you. Remember, people may not always tell you how they feel, but they will always show you. You just have to pay attention.

10. Last but not least, the most obvious sign is that they will feel upset or hurt if they learn that you don’t like them or when they get rejected by you.

The more of these signs someone shows towards you, the higher the chance they are interested in you. However, 1 or 2 of these signs alone may mean nothing at all. Furthermore, each person is different and this may not apply to all types of personalities, but this does relate to most. You can add more tell-tale signs below

via Psychology Quotes.

what does it mean?

So today was the first day of the semester and I had a really weird thing happen to me. I was really anxious to see “Tom” because I hadn’t seen him in a month. I was sitting in the library trying to kill time and all of a sudden my stomach started feeling weird…almost like it was doing flips. It was almost nauseating. I felt sick. I don’t know if it was because I was excited/nervous…but I’ve never had that happen to me before. I’ve never felt like THAT nervous/anxious about seeing someone ever. Even as I was walking down the library steps, I felt my knees shake a little and I could barely walk down the steps. I thought, what the heck is happening to me? Why did this happen? Is my body trying to tell me something? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

-beautifuldarkmystery

Has a guy/girl ever made you feel like this? What was that experience like for you?

college crush (part 4).

After our feelings were out in the open, Tom and I felt that tension go away. I mean, we both liked each other all this time, but no one ever acted upon it. We continued texting for the next week or so and this was the longest we had ever consecutively “talked” to each other. It was nice.

One day he wanted to hang out so he ended up coming to school early one day just so he could see me. I stayed late so I could see him. We ended up sitting in the student union talking about random things for almost FOUR hours! It didn’t even feel like it, but I guess that’s what happens when you feel like this. There were some awkward moments though, where we both would run out of things to say and we’re left staring at the ceiling. I figured, oh no, this is what it’s going to be like? Tom is the type of person who feels comfortable talking through text, especially when it’s about more below-the-surface subjects. When I talk to him in person, it’s different than the person I talk to through text. I want to talk to the text guy, but I want him to be able to talk to me. But maybe this is a “flaw” of his that I just might have to accept.

It was getting late and I had to go home and he had to go to class so he offers to walk me to my car. I told him he really didn’t have to and that I would be okay, but he insisted. As we walked we were laughing and talking. Then all of a sudden I feel a hand take mind. I thought it was THE cutest thing ever. I couldn’t help but compare him to my ex at that moment. I know, I know…I really shouldn’t do that, but it took that guy forever just to hold my hand and Tom was not hesitant at all, or at least it didn’t show. When we got to the parking garage I gave him the biggest hug and we went our separate ways.

A couple of days later we were trying to plan our first date but I had some schedule conflicts and in the end, it never happened and I was bummed. I texted Tom one day, asking what he thought about us so far. He said he honestly thinks we’re not ready for a relationship like this and that we don’t feel comfortable enough around each other yet. I agreed with him, but at the same time I was crushed because I felt like it was my fault. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do and relationships are so unfamiliar to me that I guess I just put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself for no reason. So, before anything could really start, we decided we would just stay friends…for now at least.

-beautifuldarkmystery

college crush (part 3).

It was Thanksgiving evening. My mom, sister, and I decided to go Black Friday shopping (it was a first for my sister and me and we just wanted the experience…to see what all the fuss was about). I had been texting Tom that evening asking him how his Thanksgiving was and what he did…the usual stuff, it was very casual. Then out of the blue, he begins confessing his feelings for me. I got that feeling of being in denial because I thought, “This isn’t really happening right now.” I would have liked it if we had this conversation in person because I think it’s really cute when a guy confesses his feelings to you and seeing the look on his face as he does it.

To make a long story short, we ended up texting for about seven hours that night, a record for me because I’m generally not a texter. I couldn’t help but feel like we were that much closer now. Everything was in the open. That tension was no longer there and we could be honest with each other. He told me that he liked me the moment we interviewed each other for class that day and never stopped since and the reason it took him so long to tell me how he felt was because he was afraid of scaring me away and didn’t want to lose a friend.

It was one of those moments when I felt as though there was still a little hope. It’s always good when the feeling is mutual between the two people and it’s been a rare instance…a guy I like likes me back. He said he couldn’t wait to take me out on a real date and see where things go and I felt the same way. He also told me about this New Years party his friend was hosting and wanted me to go as his date. I immediately got excited because things were finally starting to work out. But of course, just when things start to go my way, something happens that makes me take a couple steps back.

-beautifuldarkmystery

college crush (part 2).

The more I hung out with Tom, the more I liked him. He was very cute, but also had the type of personality I look for in a guy…funny, sensitive, caring…plus we had a lot of other things in common besides our major. We both hate scary movies, we love our sisters more than anyone, we love Disneyland and want to go together someday, the list goes on.

Tom was one of those people who came into my life when I really needed a friend. Ever since I started college, I’ve found that I’ve pretty much drifted away from my close high school friends and during fall semester, my dog got really sick and we had to have her euthanized. Tom’s timing could not have been any better. He was there to comfort me and reassure me that everything was going to be okay and it’s hard not to get attached to someone who was there for you during one of you weakest moments.

After the fall semester was over, we decided we wanted to try and take more classes together for the spring semester. We ended up in two classes together and it was great being able to still see him every week. I kind of got the sense he liked me from the start because shortly after we started talking, he asked me for my number and we began to text back and forth. He dropped little hints here and there like telling me I was one of the prettiest girls he’d ever met, how much he loved my name, and things like that. My ex-boyfriend never told me things like that so you can imagine how I felt…hearing these things from a guy and for the first time in my life.

The more we got to know each other, the more the flirting occurred. Even though most of this happened through text, it was clear that feelings were beginning to develop, or were they? See, I’ve always been one of those people who over-analyzes every situation. I began to run through the questions in my head…Does he like me? What if he’s just being really nice? But would a friend send you texts like that? Oh my goodness. I need to work on that because thinking can become so exhausting sometimes. I’ve also been the one to hold back and wait for the guy to make the first move because I’m old-fashioned like that…that’s not to say that I think it’s wrong if a girl initiates the first move, but I’m more comfortable with it the other way around.

So I waited. We still hung out as usual. He invited me to his birthday get-together, and this was a huge step for an introvert like me. I didn’t know any of his friends and I knew it would be uncomfortable, but I still went because it was his birthday and I wanted to spend time with him, even if there were other people there. We hung out in downtown for the first part, and for the second part, they all wanted to have dinner together but I figured I put myself out there and I wanted to go home at that point. He didn’t really talk to me all that much and I figured dinner would be the same way so I didn’t want to put myself through more awkwardness. It’s not like I didn’t try. I talked to this one girl he had known in high school and we got along fine. But there was no doubt, I felt like the outcast because they all knew each other. The next day, he texted me and told me I should have stayed and that his friends wanted me to. I don’t think that was entirely true. I think he said that to make me feel better, but it was the thought that counted. I told him I had fun and that his friends were pretty cool.

A whole year went by and still, no one took action. By fall 2012, I began to think that nothing was going to happen, that he simply didn’t see me as anything more than a friend. Of coure, I could have just put myself out of my own misery and just asked the guy, but being an introvert, I didn’t want to risk embarrassment if I found out the feeling wasn’t mutual. I started to think that he was just being a nice guy and saying those compliments just to be nice. During this fall semester, we had zero classes together. However, we did see each other for a little bit on the first day of school because he was trying to add a class and I had a break in the library. He also told me he had something for me and of course, I got a little excited because I wasn’t expecting it.

I’ll never forget how I felt as I waited for him that day. My heart was racing, I was so anxious. You know that feeling you get when you haven’t seen someone in a long time and all you want is his/her presence…that’s how I felt. So I sat in the library and waited, and then all of a sudden I feel two arms come up from behind me and hug me and he kind of just stood there hugging me from behind for about 10 seconds and then we caught up. I was so happy to see him and I could tell he was happy to see me because he wouldn’t stop looking at me.

For the rest of the semester, we didn’t really see each other that much due to the fact we didn’t have any classes together and we were never on campus at the same time. Every once in a while, we texted each other, but it became less frequent. So I figured that we would just stay friends, and I was okay with that. But of course, I secretly hoped that he would have said something by now. I’m one of those people that likes to save conversations and re-read them. Maybe that’s weird to some people, but for those of you who do the same thing, I’m sure you can relate. The connection Tom and I had was instantaneous…I had never clicked with anyone so quickly before and I loved all of the conversations we had.

I’m so bad when it comes to friendships and relationships and just socializing in general. Sometimes I think there’s something wrong with me because it seems to come so easily to those around me. It gets frustrating at times, but this is what life’s all about…figuring out what works best for you right?

Anyway, so I became paranoid that maybe I was saying too many flirtatious things and it was starting to scare him away so I started to pull back and refrain from doing so. It was hard because I just wanted to tell him how I felt and now that I think about it, that’s exactly what I should have done…but no…people like me like to have these little mind games. 😛 I really need to work on that.  The less we started to talk, the more I was convinced that he didn’t like me the way I liked him…or he lost interest and moved on.

– beautifuldarkmystery