my dream last night.

It was so real that it could have happened in real life. I wish I could control my dreams…meaning that I wish I could tell myself what to dream about. The nights I want to dream about him, I dream about completely random things…when I least expect to dream about him…that’s when I dream about him.

So I don’t know where we were, but there were picnic tables and there were other students around. The classroom looked unfamiliar though. We were all sitting on the ground in a circle. I was sitting next to him. I leaned my head on his shoulder and from there, we started being affectionate with each other. We sat extremely close to each other, I held his hands, we didn’t stop hugging each other…and all of this happened, knowing that he was interested in someone else. It was like I won him back or something. THIS IS TORTURE. I know that’s never going to happen so I don’t even know why I had a dream like that.

On another note, things were a little tense between us during class today. We didn’t talk that much. However, when he got out of his next class, he stopped by the office of the professor I help on Mondays and Tuesdays, and we talked for like a minute. Then he moved toward me like he wasn’t sure if he should give me a hug or not and he did. So I mean, yeah, he’s trying, but I hate that things are so awkward between us now. I try to act normal around him, but he has NO IDEA….no idea how difficult it is for me.

You know, I really hope that one day he’ll know what this feels like. I hope he meets someone in his life that he truly loves and cares about…someone he’s afraid to lose…someone who doesn’t want him as much as he wants her. I really want him to know what this feels like. But until that happens, he’ll NEVER understand what it’s like for me. I haven’t cared so much about a person ever. I care so much that it hurts. Story of my life. I’m still waiting for the day I meet someone who’s afraid to lose me.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i’m torn.

So tonight I had my honors convocation and I posted some pics from the night. Then he texts me and says, “Congrats on the award, my friend.” The last two words fried me….really? I HATE being friend-zoned like this. Like, my life might as well be a soap opera right now because this is just too much. Right then and there I wanted to send him a message over Facebook, but then decided not to. I figured, if I did, then I’d be doing it more out of impulse.

But I am torn right now, and here’s why. Yes, I am glad we’re speaking again and on somewhat good terms. But I’m not happy that things are different between us now…like the way he treats me, the way he talks to me…I miss the OLD us. So I’m torn between making myself happy and making him happy. A part of me wants to say what’s on my mind right now and let him know that this isn’t going to work…while another part of me wants to keep quiet. There are only a couple of weeks left in the semester. Then summer will be here, which means when we return in the fall, it’ll be a new semester and I won’t have to see him around campus…hopefully. And maybe we can just “drift” apart. He just doesn’t understand where I’m coming from and at this point, I feel like trying to explain it to him will be like talking to a wall.

I mean, at this point, I really don’t think I should be sacrificing my own happiness for someone else. If I’m not happy in this friendship, then I have a right to remove myself from it. I honestly feel like the only way I’ll ever be able to move on from any of this is to stop talking to him, stop seeing him, etc. Every time I see him I’m reminded that things are different and that I’m no longer the one he likes or wants to be with, and that sucks! No one likes feeling that way.

I don’t want to make it seem like I’m giving up on him, but sometimes, if you truly love someone, you have to let him/her go. When it comes down to happiness, I don’t care if it seems like I’m  being selfish, I need to be happy again and my happiness comes first. And sometimes, I need to realize that there’s a difference between giving up and doing what’s best for me. I know I can’t change a person, so why am I still doing this, going through the same routine…

I really don’t know what to do, and this is where you guys come in. Some advice would be much appreciated. I mean, right now, I’m leaning more towards just keeping quiet until the end of the semester and slowly start to pull away as he fades out of my life. In a way, that’s not good for my happiness, because it means two weeks of being unhappy around him. But at the same time, I feel that by doing things this way, not only are we ending things on a non-confrontative note, but in this case, I believe silence is the best way to let him know he did something wrong. If he decides to randomly ask me what happened, then I can explain. But I won’t be aggressive about it, jut real and honest. I don’t know. What do you think?

-beautifuldarkmystery

the heart wants what it can’t have.

I’ve never really understood what that meant until this year…when I realized that the guy I was falling for, woke up one morning and felt differently. I haven’t even been in love yet, but with these experiences I’ve been having, I’m fearful more than ever about falling in love.

I want to talk to him this weekend but I feel like that’s going to be pretty much pointless. In the end, it’s going to be me who pours my heart out, only to run right into a brick wall. There are some days I wish I never met him because then I wouldn’t be feeling any of this. But at the same time, I can’t regret all of the good times we have. I want to replay those memories instead. But the mind has a way of finding the negatives, especially my mind.

With my ex, yeah I was hurt when we broke up and it took me what seemed like forever to get over, but with this guy…I feel differently…worse. I felt like we were so close and then he changed his mind. It sucks always being the one who cares more…who wants the friendship/relationship more. For once, I want someone to be afraid to lose me. For once, I want someone to show me he cares.

Despite what’s happened…despite how dysfunctional this friendship is, there’s still a part of me that wants to be with him. Is that wrong? I told myself I would never be the type to fall for the “wrong guy,” but I guess, once you’re actually in the moment and you’re experiencing it for yourself…some things change. There are certain things I will never sacrifice, like my morals and values. For me to be in any relationship with a guy, he has to be able to respect, or even better, share those values.

It’s late and I’m tired. I’m probably not even making sense anymore. So I think I’ll just stop here…

-beautifuldarkmystery

trying too hard or just trying?

So today, I had class with him but I noticed he sat in the back of the classroom, which I thought was odd. I mean, we’re on speaking terms again, I figured he would have sit with me and the rest of our friends, but I didn’t pay any attention to it. He came in late, so I figured he didn’t want to disrupt the class, which is understandable.

Later on in the afternoon, he texts me apologizing for not talking to me today and that he didn’t want me to think that he didn’t want to sit with me. This made me feel a little weird, only because I don’t want to feel like I’m controlling his life. Like, now he’s going to apologize for the littlest of things because he thinks that one thing is going to set me off? At the same time, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt because I think he truly knows he screwed up and because we’re on eggshells right now, he’s trying to be extra careful because he doesn’t want to upset me again, I get it. But at the same time, I don’t like when people put me in that position, where they feel like they need to get “permission” from me. I don’t know how else to explain it, but it’s a weird feeling. But I’m going to work with it and hope that’s he really trying and not just saying the things I want to hear. Only time will tell.

He still doesn’t seem to grasp the fact that just because he says “I’m sorry” it doesn’t mean it automatically solves everything. A person can say it over and over again, but it has no meaning unless he/she can SHOW it. That being said, every time he apologizes for these insignificant things, I don’t really know what to say or how to react, because in my mind, he still has to SHOW me that our friendship is important to him. I don’t know. Maybe I’m being too hard on him? I have my reasons though. In my own defense, I don’t have time to sit here and have the same mistakes happen over and over again with the same person. If he’s going to be in this friendship, then some things are going to have to change. He’s either going to help me fix this, or I’m going to walk away. I honestly want to believe he’s trying, but we’ve got a long way to go.

-beautifuldarkmystery

is it weird?

So as I was sitting here thinking about my situation with him and I just thought about something…is it weird that we’ve never hung out with each other outside of school? I don’t know, maybe that’s just me. Well, actually I take that back…we have, once…for his birthday. But even so…ONE time during the year and a half we’ve known each other??? Seems kind of sketchy to me.

the reality.

Yeah, the reality is sinking in…I know you’ve moved on and I’m still here, waiting for something that’s never going to happen. You’re supposed to be working on your paper. We texted for a little and then I said, “Okay, I’ll let you finish.” Normally, you would say, “No, I’d rather talk to you instead.” I’m not saying drop all your homework for me…but I guess I just miss that. I miss the way things used to be. I miss feeling important to you. Now I feel like because I still have feelings for you, everything you do is magnified because in my head, I want you to be a certain way, but instead, what I see is what I get. That’s all.

don’t know if i can do this.

I’m sitting here in the hopes that you’ll ask me where I’m at and come hang out with me, but then I remembered that things are different now and you won’t want to spend as much time with me anymore. It kills me to think that you’re probably hanging out with her, but it is what it is. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to do this. I don’t know that I’d be able to look at you and see you as just a friend, even if it’s easy for you. I think I should slowly begin to pull myself away and hope that you don’t notice…

I thought I’d be happy to have him back in my life, but the truth is, I don’t want to be friend-zoned. trying to look at him in a different light is like wanting it to rain on a sunny day. It’s not going to happen. I’ve told him how strong my feelings are and how much I like him, but I just don’t think he understands how I really feel and the sad part is…I don’t think he ever will because he’s that clueless.

-beautifuldarkmystery