in a moment, everything can change.

Recently, I came across some very sad news. I found out that a student who was set to graduate from my alma mater passed away on Monday after being critically injured by a drunk driver early Sunday morning. Before I found out about his passing (or even about the accident), I was on Facebook and noticed one of my friends liked a photo of this boy and girl. I didn’t know who either of the people were, but I clicked on the photo anyway. When I read the caption, it said something like “…I feel so helpless…all I can do at this point is pray for a miracle…” Then a couple of days later, I realized that the young man who passed away was the same one in that photo. Judging from what I read in the caption, it seemed like these two were in a relationship. Now that he’s passed away, I can only imagine what she’s going through right now.

Why am I bringing this up? It was another reminder that life is short and precious. I look at my situation with my ex-boyfriend. At this point, I don’t know if I’m ever going to get back together with him. I don’t think he wants it as much as I do. But the point is that…we waste so much time arguing over petty things instead of taking the time to appreciate each other and be thankful that we have another day with that person. We may be three hundred miles apart, but that shouldn’t be an excuse as to why we can’t tell each other how much we value the other person. In the blink of an eye, our loved ones can be taken away from us. Any moment. They could be gone tomorrow. So since that, I’ve been telling him that I love him because I really want him to know that and I want him to hear it. We may not be together at the moment, but I really do love him with all of my heart, and yeah, we may argue from time to time, but I never want a day to go by without telling him how much he means to me.

I miss him every single day and the distance sucks. I wish I could see him and have his physical presence with me, but even if all I can do is text him every single night, I’ll take it. But I think it’s really important to say these words to your loved ones every once in a while. You shouldn’t need a special holiday like a birthday or Valentine’s Day to let them know you love them. Just the other week, he was having a bad day and feeling extremely alone, angry, and frustrated. And I just told him, “I love you.” He was so caught off guard that he even asked me where that came from. I told him that I just wanted to tell him. Sometimes a few words can help us more than he thinks. I may not know what he’s going through right now, but I can be there to support him and love him.

I may not know what the future holds for us, but I do know one thing…I love this guy with every ounce of my being. He will always be my first true love and I will never forget that. He means the world to me and I didn’t know someone could be this important to me outside of my family. I will never be the same because of him and I wish I could be with him right now. I’ll remain hopeful that one day it will work out like it’s supposed to. But until then, I will keep reminding him of just how much I love him. I miss him so much.

– beautifuldarkmystery

all too familiar.

It feels weird being back here again…not texting each other every day, not seeing each other…this is all too familiar. I know that right now, we both need to not be in contact in order to move on…because as long as we’re still “present” in each other’s lives, we’re not going to let go. It sucks because I’m finally coming to the realization that I need to start doing what’s best for myself, even if it’s not what I want. For example, I’m going home in a couple of days and I’m staying there for about a week. I really want to see him and hang out with him…but I don’t think it’s going to help me. It sucks it has to be that way, but I need to fight it. As much as we want to be there for each other now, we can’t. It’s too hard when the feelings are still there.

I talked to my mom and sister about this because it was starting to scare me how upset I’ve been over this whole thing. I’ve never been through anything like this so all of these feelings are new. But they said I just need to allow time to heal me back, and they’re right. That’s the only way really. It just sucks when the one person you’re closest to is slowly becoming a stranger all over again. I hate it. I miss being close to him, I miss telling him everything, I miss him telling ME everything. I miss what we had. And now that’s all gone.

It seems like he’s already started to move on. I wish I could say the same, but deep down inside I am hurting. But I act like nothing is wrong…I want this week to be fun. I don’t want to think about what’s going on.

– beautifuldarkmystery

head vs. heart.

It scares me how strong my feelings are for him…but I think it’s for real this time, that we’re going back to being just friends. At the moment, I don’t know that I can. How do I even get over this? How do I push past this and move on? Right now, that seems impossible. I just want to be happy again, and right now, happiness would mean being with him…but I know that’s not going to happen. On top of that, I can’t seem to let go of what’s happened in the past, things that have caused me to have trust issues with him…so even if we were to get back into a relationship, I DON’T know that I’d be happy. It really sucks and I’ve never been in a situation like this. I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m going home for a week and maybe this will be my chance to talk to some of my friends and find comfort. I’ve confided in a couple of people about this, people who I think understand me the best and can sort of advise me through all of this. I know it’s not the end of the world, but it sure feels like it. He’s always been so good with his words, saying exactly what I want to hear, and me, being who I am and the emotional person I am, took every single word to heart and believed all of it. I’m not saying that all of what he was saying was false, but it doesn’t help me now.

Right now, he needs to do what’s best for him, and I need to do what’s best for myself. He shouldn’t have to feel like he has to walk on eggshells whenever he talks to me just because I get super sensitive over stupid things sometimes…but at the same time, he realizes and knows why I get sensitive over all of it…because he knows what he’s done. Unfortunately, I hate to have this type of attitude, but it is what it is. I don’t know what it would take for me to get over the times he hurt me in the past. I don’t know that it would happen again because he’s been the one unsure of his feelings all this time. It’s that hesitancy that makes ME hesitant and that’s no way to start off any relationship. Some may ask, so why give him another chance if it didn’t work out the first two times? Well, to be honest, YES, it would have spared me a whole lot of pain right now if I just said no. But I’m the type of person that would rather go through with it than spend my life wondering “what if?”. When he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, I had a feeling it was going to be different this time. And in some ways, yes it was. I do believe his feelings were real and strong towards me. Do I think he still has some of those feelings? Absolutely. We were both each other’s first real love, so we’ll never forget that.

A few posts back, I mentioned having a strong feeling that we’d end up together again in the future. It was a pretty strong feeling and I’d never felt anything like that before. But now that I’m looking at the bigger picture, the smaller that hope is becoming. I think we were putting too much pressure on ourselves in the first place, and I kind of felt it. I’m sure he did too. So that’s not to say that by taking this pressure away, things can happen more naturally…but based on our history and past experiences, I don’t see us having a successful relationship. So as much as it pains me to say it, we are better off being friends. But I just wish it didn’t have to be this difficult. I’ve never had feelings for anyone the way I have feelings for him. Like I said, it truly scares me. It scares me to lose him to someone else, it scares me that someone else can make him happier. And I don’t know if I can be friends with someone I am in love with…to watch him love someone else, that breaks my heart just thinking about it.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to move on. All I know is that I can’t let what happened happen again. I cannot let this consume me, to the point, where I sit in my room and just think about it. I’ve recognized this about myself and know it’s never good. So I need to try and stay as busy as possible…try to think of happier and more positive things. But I can’t leave myself alone with my thoughts because that’s when I get worked up over nothing. I wish I didn’t feel so much with my heart. I feel like that gets me into trouble a lot of the time. We’ll see what happens. I might see him when I come home and we’ll just see how that goes. I just hope it’s not too awkward.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Can you remember your first love? 

a test of true love.

So he and I had a pretty good talk last night and I’m glad we did, because it somewhat puts my mind at ease a little bit. Basically, I was hit with a very strong feeling yesterday, and I mentioned this in my previous post…that I feel as though this is not over yet. Somehow, someway, we will find our way back to each other. I gained more confidence as we were talking about how we’d both be a tad jealous if we ended up dating other people in the meantime. There’s a quote that I read a while back that always stuck with me, before I even knew what love was. It was a quote by Johnny Depp that says, “If you love two people at the same time, choose the second, because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.” It’s so true. So I’m going to look at this as a test of our love for each other. If he loves me like he says he does, he will come back. I can only speak for myself and know that I love him more than anything. Could I date other people? Absolutely, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll necessarily fall in love with them.

Yes, I’ll still be jealous if he finds someone else but this feeling I got last night…it was enough to give me the confidence I need in knowing that there’s a place in the future for us. Could I be wrong? Of course. For all I know, I am completely out of my mind. But his dad said we don’t know what could happen, my mom believes we’re going to end up together again, and even some of our friends have pointed it out. I think part of this feeling comes from knowing our past and knowing what we’ve been through together. Yes, there were times he was interested in other girls, but who did he go back to at the end of it? Me. And all of those previous events we went through together of falling apart and coming back together have made us stronger today. I can only hope for the best, but expect the worst.

He claims he doesn’t want it to happen, that he doesn’t want to find someone new, but it’s always going to be in the back of my mind. I need to prepare myself for it too. There could also be a possibility I could meet someone. But I know that things happen for a reason (I’m starting to sound like a broken record now). But I know this is not the end yet. We’re not through, our love story is just beginning. But this…this is going to be the true test of our love for each other, right here, right now.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Was there ever a time you tested your love with someone? How did it work out?

on the mend.

I didn’t talk to him at all yesterday, not even text him, even though I had many urges to ask how he’s doing. In a sense, I feel obligated since I’M the one who broke his heart. But at the same time, I think the only way I can begin to move forward for myself is to create some space and distance. It’s difficult because we spent the last three months or so texting each other every single minute of every day, we FaceTimed each other, talked on the phone occasionally…it’s going to be hard getting into a new routine. I don’t know what’s going through his mind or how he feels, but I get the feeling he’s starting to move on too.

I’m definitely still having some regrets about how things went down last weekend, but every time I start to go back to that place, I just remind myself that if we didn’t do any of that now, it would have happened at some point, eventually. There is just SO much in the air right now, so much uncertainty. With the fact that he might be gone for a year and a half makes my stomach turn. If we were to still continue our relationship, I don’t know that I could. I feel like long distance only works if both people feel completely secure with each other, and , clearly, neither of us felt like that. So in my mind, we were going to break up anyway, whether this fight happened or not…

What sucks is that I DON’T know if that’s actually going to happen. There could be a possibility he gets neither job opportunity and he’s still here. I don’t know why I don’t think about that. In my mind, I think he’s going to get both. Well, whatever the case, I do believe that things happen for a reason, and if we are seriously and truly meant to be together, we’ll find a way back to each other. I really do believe that…we’ve tried this three times now, and, from the outside, someone would probably tell me that it’s never going to work if it hasn’t worked yet. But the way I look at it is that there’s still something that keeps drawing us back together. I blame timing for why our relationship didn’t work out this time. My sister brought up a very good point. He and I started our relationship at the beginning of July. Immediately after that, I went away on vacation for a week so I couldn’t see him or spend time with him. I was offered a job/internship for the entire month of August, so unfortunately, we lost some more time there…and looking back on it, we didn’t really have time to develop anything before I move down south. I think THAT’S where a huge amount of this feeling of insecurity is coming from. it sucks that I see this only now in hindsight. But, there’s a slight possibility that we’re not through yet. I don’t want to plant any false hopes in my head so I keep telling myself that this is it…but I DON’T know what’s going to happen. I don’t know that we’ll end up together again.

With the way we left things, it’s not a yes or a no…it’s a maybe. My mom told me it’s important to be really good friends before dating. When I hear that, in my mind I’m thinking, well, yeah, we were friends before we started dating. But what she truly meant was…really get to know the person. I may have known this guy for three years, but have I really KNOWN him? I know it sounds weird. But we are both still growing and there are things about each other we don’t like or don’t know how to handle. If we really took the time to develop a serious friendship, maybe this would have turned out differently…which is why my mom keeps telling me that maybe it’s not over yet. She said we both need to go through hardships like this and if we can get over this hurdle, we’ll be stronger in the end.

Everything happens for a reason. They say if you love someone, let that person go. If he/she comes back, then they’re yours. If they don’t, then they never were. I know I’ll love him no matter what. In the deepest parts of my heart, I’ll ALWAYS want a relationship with him, I will ALWAYS have those feelings for him…but if a friendship is the only thing that will ever come out of this, then I’d like to continue developing that. I just really wish I could read his mind right now and really know what he’s thinking.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Can two people go back to being friends after being in a relationship? 

nothing’s going to change.

Same routine. We go to class, sit next each other, ask, “How are you?” and that’s pretty much it. I couldn’t help but glance at him a few times and think about how frustrating this is. I keep telling myself I can’t do this, but at the same time, I don’t want to let go. Why? Seriously…I’m trying to act normal around him, but I’m sure he can read right through it. I think he can sense that I’m pulling away from him because when class was over, I looked at him and said goodbye, and he kind of had this sad look on his face and he waved goodbye. I left the building with one of my other friends.

The day I find a guy who’s as emotionally mature as I am and serious about being in a relationship will be the sign of the apocalypse, I feel. I seem to be looking in all the wrong places. I’ve got to come up with a new plan here…

There are only about 19 days left in the semester, including finals week. I just need to hang in there for 19 more days. I can do this. I think. I wish he was better at communicating so we could just talk about this. But I know that it’ll be useless. No matter what I say, nothing is going to change. Nothing.

-beautifuldarkmystery