do it for you and not anyone else.

The older I get, the more I’m learning about myself. But that’s how it’s supposed to go, right? Well, right now I’m in a situation where I don’t really know what I want to do with my life or what direction I want to go. I thought I did, but I’m lacking that fire, the passion that everyone around me has.

I recently applied for a job that I really want. I have not heard back from them yet, but if I do hear from them, it should be some time soon. The weird thing is that I haven’t wanted something so badly in such a long time. I kind of put all my eggs in one basket with this because I have not been looking at other jobs, I haven’t applied anywhere else. I know it’s crazy, but I want to hear from them first.

One of the main reasons why I want this job is because I want to push myself. I’ve always been a quiet and passive person, and I’ve heard that those qualities are ones you’re born with and can’t change, but I believe I can. By no means is it going to be easy…because what may come easily to others does not come as easily to me…but I know that if I really push myself outside my comfort zone, I can achieve what I consider impossible.

It’s one thing I’ve learned from past internships. I’ve surprised myself and done things I never thought I could do. It’s all about how much you want it and how far you’re willing to push yourself. It was very uncomfortable for me…something as easy as talking over a walkie to yelling and being loud (something I’m definitely not used to), but I did it enough times and it became comfortable. With practice, I felt more and more confident.

I’ve always been the type of person to believe when someone tells me I can’t do something. It’s a terrible mindset to have and I know I’ll never achieve anything with that kind of attitude. But as I’m growing older, I’m learning that, it’s more important to do it for yourself and not anyone else. I don’t owe anyone anything. If I want to push myself and I want to reach a certain goal, I have to do it because I WANT it.

I know it seems like common sense, but this is yet another one of those lessons that’s taking time and I’m going through it right now. I don’t think I’ll end up where I currently am. I don’t think this is my calling or what I’m meant to do. People may ask me, “Well, then what would you want to do?” I don’t know the answer. As frustrating as it is, I have to remind myself that it’s okay that I don’t have all of the answers. Things will happen for me when they are supposed to happen and if this job opportunity works out, then great. If not, then it’s not meant to be.

All I know is that I haven’t felt this passionate about something in a long time. I haven’t wanted something so badly in a long time. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I don’t want to lose hope either. Until then, I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

-beautifuldarkmystery

strike two, how many more will it take.

Well apparently he feels indifferent. I don’t understand how he can show ALL the signs he’s interested, yet he says he’s unsure about his feelings towards me. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand how his thought process works. This is the second time he’s broken my heart, I think that’s more than enough. I need to learn my lesson now.

The sucky part is that he’s unaffected by this, while I cried my eyes out a couple nights ago. At least I’ve had the weekend to process it and prepare myself for when I have to see him at school, because it’s going to be different now. Why do I keep allowing him to keep doing this to me? I deserve better and I don’t know why I continue to settle for less…

– beautifuldarkmystery

oh my gosh, you guys.

So yesterday was one of the craziest days of my semester so far. I went to school, even though I didn’t have classes because of my friends, we’ll call him “Sean,” needed my help editing a video. So we worked on that and then went to have lunch. “Tom” joined us and it was weird because he was really quiet, like quieter than usual and every time I tried talking to him, he didn’t seem to want to talk to me.

Anyways, Tom had to leave for class and so it was just me and Sean. We were sitting outside having really deep conversations. I’ve opened up to him so much since we met. He’s just one of those people I automatically felt comfortable enough to let my guard down and tell him about my life. He’s a really sensitive and understanding person and we’re a lot alike in many ways, including our perceptions of relationships and life in general. So we were having a good conversation until his phone rang. It was his girlfriend, but I didn’t know that until he hung up. He finished the call and then looks at me. When he gets nervous, he starts smiling a lot so I knew something was wrong. I asked him what’s up and he basically said his girlfriend is super jealous that he and I have been hanging out a lot lately, just the two of us. I didn’t like where this was going. I am NOT the type of girl who would do that to another girl. If someone is in a relationship, that’s an automatic no for me. I honestly thought we were just friends hanging out, but apparently, he thought differently.

Their relationship is complicated. They’ve been dating for a long time now and both have issues that they’re trying to work out. Before we started working on our film, he was considering ending the relationship because he wasn’t happy anymore. Last week, he and I hung out, just the two of us. This is where it gets messy. So apparently he told her he was going to hang out with some of his guy friends, but really, he went to hang out with me. I uploaded the pictures to Facebook and she saw him and confronted him about it. They got into a huge argument and it completely blew up. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I couldn’t believe he lied to her like that and now I was in the middle of it. Now I’ve got this girl who hates my guts and she doesn’t even know me. My intentions were never to take him away from her. I would NEVER do that to ANYONE! I wanted to cry.

Eventually, the conversation reached a peak when she asked him if he liked me. He said yes. My jaw dropped as he was explaining all of this to me. Now, I’m sort of in a sticky situation. I’ve got this guy who likes me, but he’s in a relationship. He’s considering leaving her for me. There are a couple things wrong with that. A) I don’t want to be another reason for ending their relationship and B) I don’t want to be the rebound. C) I am interested in someone else. I don’t see him the same way he sees me.

But wait, it gets better. He told me that she wants to meet me and of course, I’m open to it. I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot and I don’t her to think of me like that. But before I could get in another word, she shows up right in front of us. Now I’m in an even more awkward situation because now it’s the three of us, sitting there. Right off the bat, she was acting super nice because I don’t know if she knows that I know about what Mark told me about their relationship. Anyways, so I could tell she wasn’t being completely sincere because I KNOW that she hates my guts right now. But I tried to be as genuine as possible. I couldn’t ignore the fact that I felt super uncomfortable. She made it known they were in a relationship, smiling at him, calling him pet names, and touching him every once in a while. I knew what she was doing, but I very well know he’s in a relationship and like I’ve said, I WOULD NEVER DO THAT! Nothing happened between us. If a friend wants to hang out, I’m going to hang out with him/her.

I get home later that night and end up talking to Tom on the phone about what had went down. He wanted to make sure I was okay. But yeah, my life just took a turn and I’m still trying to process everything…especially after the phone call I got this morning from Sean.

He basically said he can’t stop thinking about me and that he’s thought about getting me flowers and even meeting my parents. Talk about feeling overwhelmed! Is there an emotion that’s a level further than that…because that’s how I felt. To make things even better, he said he really is considering breaking up with her to go out with me. He said that when he’s around me he feels happy and he hasn’t felt that happy in a long time. The more I heard this, the more I wanted to cringe. He is a nice person and I was trying to let him down easy, but I don’t think he was getting the hint. I hate rejecting people, but I can’t help who I have feelings for. I guess in a sense, he knows what I’m going through. He likes someone who doesn’t like him back in that way…just like I like this guy who doesn’t see me as more than a friend. It sucks. And I feel even worse about this whole thing because the whole time we’ve been getting to know each other has consisted of me expressing my feelings about Tom to him and basically venting about how I am basically in love with this guy who doesn’t see me that way. I don’t know what I’m going to do. He said he’s going to call me back later tonight, but I just feel bad that all of this happened. I never intended for any of it to go down like this and I wish I could hit the rewind button. I think I feel extremely overwhelmed because I’ve never been in a situation like this. It may seem trivial to you guys, but to me, my mind’s all over the place.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Have any of you been in a situation like this? What did you do? Any advice???

if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.

I just texted him from about 9PM-4AM. Now I can’t sleep because I can’t stop smiling. We had an awesome conversation filled with sarcasm, a tad bit of flirt-i-ness, and a lot of love. He’s driving all the way out here to see me on Monday, which basically made my day…or night? I cannot wait to see him. I miss him so much and I want to give him the biggest hug ever. Just when I think things couldn’t get any better, they do. The best part of the night was when he texted me, “Good night beautiful.” The last time I saw those words, it was a few months ago when he liked me. I don’t want to get ahead of myself here, but I think those feelings may be resurfacing and I’m not going to say anything. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.

-beautifuldarkmystery

one of the best summers ever.

My summer is coming to an end and I must say this has been one of THE best ones yet. I got to see a lot of my friends, make movies with them, and just hang out and have some fun in the sun…not to mention, I got a really nice tan. But I must say out of everything that’s happened, one of my favorites is the fact that he and I have grown a lot closer. He pointed out the other day that we texted each other nearly every single day this summer. I can’t count the number of times we’ve seen each other. Overall, I finally feel like I can be myself around him and feel comfortable enough to make an idiot of myself and not feel embarrassed. For the longest time, I didn’t think we’d ever get to that place, but all I had to do was stop thinking about it and just let it happen.

We were texting each other again last night and he said he was at a friend’s house hanging out. He invited me over, but I said I didn’t want to impose, because I don’t know any of those people, and I didn’t want to be rude. If it was a mutual friend, it would have been a little different. Anyway, he kept saying how he wishes I lived closer to him and how much he wanted me there…he even said he missed me.

The other night, I was out with a couple of mutual friends (we took a spontaneous trip to the city), and I was texting him and he straight up told me that he was a little jealous that they got to hang out with me. He continued to say how he wished he was there with me, that he could watch out for me, that he wanted to make sure I got home safely. All these things are very nice and friendly, but a part of me thinks that there’s a little more behind it. I don’t know though, and I don’t want to begin to over-analyze this. We all know what happens when I do that…

It’s still hard to read the signs. I feel as though a part of him still has feelings for me, but then I also feel another part of him pull back every once in a while. But perhaps I just need to not think so much about it and let it happen if that’s where this is going. I mean, it seemed to work pretty well for our friendship. I’m just worried that the more I invest myself, the more I’m going to get hurt…and if I thought it hurt the first time, I know it’s going to be even worse this time around.

The reality is that I may not be around here in a year. My parents bought a house somewhere else and they eventually want to move there. So it’s difficult to tell what will happen. He said not to remind him though and that he’ll deal with it when the time comes. But basically we sort of made a pact, that we’re going to make this the best year ever, whatever that may be.

I want to hang out with him on Monday because he doesn’t have work and I want to see him one last time before school starts, but I don’t know if it’ll happen or not. I better start lowering my expectations and not build up so much hope.

-beautifuldarkmystery

today was perfect.

A group of us hung out at the beach today. He was there and I was so happy to see him. I feel like the more I see him, the more I find myself falling harder. One of my friends became suspicious and asked me if we’re going out. I said no and he looked shocked. I guess he could tell by the way we were interacting with each other that there was something going on.

Basically he kept trying to find ways to hug me. If he made a jab at me or said some snappy remark, he quickly returned it with a laugh and a hug. He gave me back rubs/massages while we were sitting down. He wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head on his chest. We tried tickling each other, but he kept grabbing my hands so I couldn’t get him. He basically shoved me in the ocean, but in a playful way. It was absolutely perfect. ¬†At one point, we weren’t really doing anything so we walked back to where all our stuff was so that we could “watch it” and make sure no one stole anything. It was just the two of us and we talked and joked around. I kept giving him crap for sticking me in the ocean. Then all of a sudden he pulls me onto his lap and puts his arms around my waist and I wrap one of my arms around his neck. We looked into each other’s eyes and smiled. I sat there for a minute and just held on to him as he rested his head on my chest. We couldn’t get any closer than we were. It felt right. I don’t know how else to describe it. How is it that we can be so affectionate with each other but we’re nothing more than just friends? I don’t understand. Makes me wonder if he still does have feelings for me. The last thing I want to find out is that I’m being played. I know that people who are “just friends” don’t treat each other like that. I’d like to think he doesn’t treat all his friends who are girls like this. I’d like to think I’m just a little more special than the others. But I’ll never know…

I wish we could spend one day at the beach together. Just the two of us, alone with no one around, because that moment when I was sitting on his lap and both had our arms around each other looking out into the ocean, it was like we were the only people there. I wish that could have lasted forever.

-beautifuldarkmystery

for the better.

So today was perfect. He and I got to spend time together and hang out. Most importantly, for the first time, I felt like I could be myself around him. We just kind of had a deep conversation about our friendship. I told him that sometimes I still feel like I receive mixed signals from him (my other friends are even beginning to suspect that there’s something going on between us). I was scared to bring this up because I was afraid he was going to straight up tell me that he doesn’t feel that way about me anymore, but he didn’t need to say it. I could just tell from what he wrote in his responses that it’s clear I’m overanalyzing the situation.

But oddly, I think I am okay with that because I think I’ve finally come to a point where I’ve realized that our friendship is one I’d never want to lose. I wouldn’t want us being in a relationship to destroy that friendship. Since our falling out, he’s really SHOWN me what a good friend he can be. I didn’t think that when I told him that actions speak louder than words that he wouldn’t listen, but he got the message loud and clear. Sure, it may have taken me ignoring him for a month in order for him to get the message, but I can tell that things have changed for the better. Even though there are times where I still think about him as more than a friend, I am really happy with the way things are now. I wouldn’t have them any other way. I feel like we are finally getting over that awkward and uncomfortable stage and finally becoming actual friends. That’s more than I could ever ask for.

-beautifuldarkmystery