history repeats itself.

I’ve been keeping a journal on and off for the last 10 years. It’s always been my way of keeping a written record of my past. I wrote about everything. Things I was going through, drama with friends, breakups, my transition from high school to college. Everything. It’s always been my safe space, where I can write and freely express myself. It’s the only time I really don’t hold back. It’s therapeutic. It’s helped me understand myself better.

I recently came across a binder full of old entries from my high school years, and all I have to say is that history sure has a way of repeating itself. When I started college, I was frustrated because things weren’t happening for me as quickly as I would have liked. I had a hard time making new friends. I lived on campus and my roommate and I didn’t get along. I was frustrated because I felt like my friends from high school had seemingly moved on with their lives and were fitting in well at their new colleges. They had no problems making friends and making that transition. I was hard on myself because I just wanted in, and my straight-edge lifestyle didn’t mesh with the college campus life. I found myself on the outside, desperate for acceptance.

There was one entry in particular I came across that talked about a conversation I had with my mom. I had told her how difficult this transition has been for me and she knew that I had a hard time adjusting. I know her heart was in the right place and she just wanted me to be happy, but she suggested that I drop out of my university, move back home, and enroll in a community college for a couple of years. I was a little shocked at my response (and so was she), but apparently I said something along the lines of, “If I move back home where it’s comfortable and safe, I won’t be able to grow. This is supposed to be hard. I need to go through these struggles…”┬áLong story short, I ended up moving out of the dorms because that was an environment I knew I couldn’t live in for an entire year. However, I chose to stay at my university. I just opted to commute instead of living on campus (which ended up being one of the best decisions I ever made. Living on campus isn’t for everyone).

While I was happy I didn’t have to live on campus anymore, I was now worried about the next three and a half years because I thought that commuting would hinder my ability to get involved in the college life (as if I wasn’t struggling with that enough already). But, sure enough, when it came time for me to start my sophomore year, that’s when I met my core group of friends. Those were the people I hung out with and they were the ones who became my closest friends. And, guess what…NONE of them lived on campus. They all commuted.

The rest of my time at college was great. I had the best time. I met some great people and formed lasting friendships. Since graduating from college, I’ve found myself in a different, yet similar, situation. The transition from college to workforce. It hasn’t been easy for me. I haven’t been able to land a steady job yet, and it has me worried. I’ve been doubting the decisions I made in college. Maybe I should have picked a different major. Maybe I should have done this or that.

I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that I’m starting to overwhelm myself again. I’ve found myself in a situation where I’ve seen my friends graduate college and they’ve successfully found work and are doing fine. Meanwhile, I’ve been at a standstill and it doesn’t feel like I’ve made much progress. It’s similar to how I was feeling when I started college. The frustration of seeing everyone move ahead while I’m stuck. I want things to happen faster for me.

If there’s anything I can take away from my past, it’s that I just need to give it time. I need to also remember what the past version of myself once said…that I need to face these challenges and struggles so that I can grow. If anything, I think that going through these struggles now will make me appreciate things more later on down the road. No one said it would be easy, and if it was easy, what would we learn?

It’s been an interesting day reflecting on my past, and I’m going to use that information to help me move forward. My problems back then seemed like they were the end of the world. I didn’t see how things could get better. I need to realize that just because things aren’t happening for me right now, doesn’t mean they never will. Yes, it’s frustrating feeling like you’re the one falling behind. It’s easy to convince yourself you’re a failure because of that and you’ll never be successful. But sometimes we need to take a step back, breathe, and chill out. As long as I am trying my hardest,┬áthere’s no reason to have any doubts.

beautifuldarkmystery

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i find this very interesting.

So I’m taking an Intro in Career Writing Class and I absolutely love it so far. Writing has always been a strong point and I love the books we’re reading on how to become better writers. It may not have anything to do with my major, but who knows…I may need this stuff some day. Plus the professor really likes me, so that’s a bonus.

Anyways, what I wanted to write about is blogging. I find it so fascinated that people, such as myself, tend to hide so much from family and friends…things we don’t necessarily want others to know…yet we come on sites like this, and publicly post our stories. Why is that?

And it’s not so much that I hide all this stuff from them. I tell my mom pretty much anything (because if I don’t, she’ll end up finding anyways, so it’s easier to just be upfront…mothers…). When it comes to my friends, I’m very careful about what I disclose to what people. I know there are people in my life who are just curious. The hard part is sifting through all of those people to get to the good, genuine ones. But even so, now that I’m thinking back on every friendship I’ve encountered, I’ve never found that one person who I felt completely comfortable opening up to…even my best friend of eight years. So what does that say about me?

But there’s a risk with telling your personal stories in such a public way…what if my family and friends DO find out? Well A) That is why my name isn’t posted anywhere on this blog, my avatar covers my identity, and I change the names in my stories, and B) None of my friends use WordPress (that I know of) or are bloggers, so I highly doubt they will ever find this. Basically, like I said, I wanted to create this vessel where I can get out whatever it is I’m thinking, good, bad, all of it.

I think for me personally, I like the idea of getting non-biased opinions about my life from other people who’ve experienced similar situations. Another thing is that I’m sitting behind a computer screen, where no one can see me. It’s almost like there’s a sense of security. And yeah, you may judge me for that and I may be a hypocrite for saying this because I’ve always been against people hiding behind computer screens. I’m talking about people who go online anonymous and start harassing and bullying people. That I don’t approve of. I’m not saying that what I’m doing is right either. But I believe everyone needs their own escape…one their friends or family don’t know about, where they can never find you. That’s what this blog is for me.

I apologize if this seems super disjointed. I’m really just rambling and writing down whatever comes to mind.

-beautifuldarkmystery

How do you escape your everyday life? Does it work for you?